by Diana Kane
I call in the meal order for Alex. She isn’t going to enjoy her broth, jello, applesauce and juice but she can only have clear liquids to start. I stop by the locker room for a quick shower and my laptop. I grab a pair of scrub pants for Alex. If we can get her up and moving then she will be able to have her catheter out. I’m hoping the shower helps alleviate the stiffness in her muscles.
I call Taylor to give her an update. This time it sounds like she was already out of bed at least. “That’s great news Cat! So did you tell her then?”
“Tell her what?”
“How you feel?”
“No. I’m quite sure that this is killing me though. I want to tell her but now is not the time. She wouldn’t be able to leave if she wanted to and I’m still her treating physician. Too much of a conflict.”
“Well don’t let this second chance slip through your fingers. Never know if you’ll be given a third.” Taylor is right, I know she is. I can wait a little longer. Besides I don’t really know why Alex hasn’t figured all this out on her own at this point. I end the call with Taylor. I’ve been gone for around an hour, I want to get back to Alex.
When I get back Alex has finished her shower and is working on her food. “Gourmet broth, jello and applesauce. Exactly what you were hoping for I’m sure.” Alex’s look tells me it isn't all that she had been hoping for. “Well you’re going to have to start slow, work your way back to solids. How was your shower?”
Alex answers in a raspy whisper, improving for certain, but it still sounds painful. “As great as it could be. I feel cleaner at least. I don’t like the smell of this soap though.” I chuckle, remembering how I thought she smelled wrong after they first bathed her. “What I miss?”
“Nothing. You just reminded me of something, you had to be there. I’ll pick you up some of your usual soap and bring it tomorrow.”
“Don’t you have clinic tomorrow?”
“Normally, but I’m planning on canceling the day.” Alex gives me a look, one that makes it clear she doesn’t approve.
“No cases today?”
“I canceled them.”
“Why?”
I try to come up with a stalling technique, hoping that someone will interrupt. I’m not that fortunate and the impatience on Alex’s face is becoming clearer by the second. “Because you… because I needed to be here.” I wait for Alex’s response, but she doesn’t seem to have one. After the silence stretches on for at least a minute she finally speaks.
“I think you should go to clinic tomorrow.” Her words hurt me more than they should. She doesn’t want me here. I should go, should sign her care over to one of my partners. I try to keep a poker face, to hide the hurt and disappointment, but I must be failing. “It isn’t that I don’t want you here. Abby said you haven’t left this place since the accident, that you have barely left my side. You can’t keep postponing your other patients for me. I’m here and I will be fine.” I have no answer, at least not one that I can tell her now, so I say nothing.
Abby enters the room, as if she had heard her Alex say her name seconds ago. I look at my watch, it is just after 2 pm. “Hey Abby. Late lunch today?”
“Yeah. First case involved a lot more work than we anticipated. We are hours behind now. How is she?” I wonder if Abby even realizes she is talking about Alex as if she is still in the coma. If she doesn’t, Alex does.
“She is doing fine.” Her voice is still a bit raspy but she doesn’t seem to be struggling as much to be heard.
Abby turns and faces Alex, her eyes wide, the surprise at hearing some semblance of a voice from her clear. “Hey I can hear you! How are you feeling?”
“Alright.” Alex turns to me. I feel like I should leave them alone yet can’t find a reason that I need to leave.
“So we are hours behind. I know I said I’d be able to pick some stuff up for you from your place but we won’t be done until late and I need to get home and see the kid tonight. Maybe Catherine could go?”
I’m pulled from my efforts to find an excuse to leave. Abby has just provided me with one, just not one I was expecting. I look to Alex, then Abby, then back to Alex. This isn’t my decision to make, it is up to Alex. She doesn’t take long in her deliberation. “Yeah that would be fine, if she is willing to.”
“Sure. I can go now while you two visit. What do you want me to get?” Abby hands me a list and gives me directions. It shouldn’t take me long to get there and back.
*****
I ring the bell and wait for an answer. It is still freezing outside. Spring doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight. I am about to leave when the door finally opens. “You must be Catherine. Come in, it is freezing out there.”
“How do you—,” Lydia cuts me off before I can finish.
“What, know who you are? You look just like Alex said. Have a seat. You want something to drink? I’ve just got to take care of something in the kitchen. Won’t be a minute.” Lydia heads back to the kitchen. Instead of sitting I make my way over to a wall filled with pictures. Their varying quality shows that they have been taken throughout Lydia’s life.
“First thing Alex noticed too. That’s John, my ex-husband. Those are our children. That’s Clara, my partner.” Lydia glances at the photos with me. “I’ve been pretty blessed.” She hands me a glass of water that I never asked for. “Take a seat. I’d like to know how Alex is doing.” I hesitate. Legally I’m not allowed to tell her. I don’t think Alex would mind but I didn’t ask her either. “I know you can’t tell me much. Abby told me she is awake now so I assume that is a good sign.”
“It is. You are right though, as her treating physician I am legally prohibited from telling you more. Abby is with her now. I’ll ask her to call and update you.”
“Thank you. I don’t know how you did it or how you are still doing it though. When my Clara was sick there were times I could hardly take care of her. We knew she was never going to make it. Sometimes I just lost it.”
“I was as scared as I have ever been when I saw that it was Alex. I don’t know how I made it through the craniotomy either. I think once the drape went on and I couldn’t see her face I just ran on an autopilot of sorts. I lost it after though and I’ve had my moments since.”
“I can imagine. Well Abby said you were stopping by to pick up a few things for Alex. I suppose I should get you the key.”
“Well there is actually one thing I was hoping to discuss with you first.”
“Oh?” Lydia sits back down in her chair and waits for me to continue.
“Alex is going to be off work for a while. I’d like to take care of her rent for the next two months if I may.”
“I know Abby said you haven’t left her side but you really do care about her, don’t you?” I look at the floor. It isn’t shame that I care about Alex that causes me to do it. It is shame that everyone else seems to have figured it out before I did. “It’s alright, nothing to be ashamed of. I told Abby not to worry about rent for now. I doubt I’ll have the same luck brushing you off though, will I?”
“Nope. I can take care of it now, and if she will be off beyond two months I’ll continue to take care of it.”
“Very well. Here is the key. Just go through the door on the side of the garage and up the stairs on the right. If you don’t mind I’ll stay in, out of the cold.”
“That is fine. I’ll only be a few minutes anyway. I’ll drop the key off when I’m finished.”
I’m not sure what I expected when I entered the apartment. Alex once told me she is a simple creature, this apartment with its small space and sparse furnishings certainly suits a simple lifestyle. I grab her laptop from the coffee table and put it in the messenger bag from the closet. One item off the list. I make my way to the bedroom. It feels so small, the full size bed taking up a lot of the room. I grab her Kindle from the floor beside the bed and the phone charger from the outlet. I open the closet to grab her a pair of sweatpants, found next to the chest that Alex made. One of them at least.
There are now two chests, the newer one finished in a different stain than the original. I continue on my quest. It takes me a second to find the gym bag I am to use. It is out in the coat closet, not in the bedroom closet. Bag in hand I place the sweatpants inside and grab her slippers as well. All that remains is some clean underwear, deodorant, her toothbrush and toothpaste. I grab her preferred soap as well. Everything in hand I realize I’ve seen the entire apartment in under 5 minutes. I’m certain I had bigger places in residency.
I put the bags in the car and write a check for the next two months rent. Check and key in hand I head back to the front door and ring the bell. Lydia answers much more quickly this time.
“That was fast. Find everything she wants?”
“I did, thank you.” I hand Lydia the key and the check.
“I’m heading down to Texas to see my sister tomorrow. Will they let me visit Alex before I leave?”
“Sure. They will be moving her out of the ICU sometime today. I haven’t been given the room number yet. It should be available at the information desk, but I’ll have Abby text you with it as well. I’m sure Alex would like to see you.”
“Ok then. Well tell her hello for me please.”
“Will do.” I turn and head down the walk towards my car. I hear the door open again and stop.
“It’s none of my business but if you care about her half as much as I think you do then you need to tell her. These chances don’t come around often and they are rarely given twice. You two can’t keep running from each other.”
I smile at Lydia. I respect her boldness, her willingness to overstep and speak her mind. “I know.”
Alexis
“You shaved it all?” Abby seems surprised. I don’t understand why, it was already half gone anyway.
“Looked funny. Gonna be a late night huh?”
“Yep. The case now is a quick one but another long one after that. I don’t need to be there for the first one. The residents will help. She knows where I am and the nurse has my number if she does need me. So how you feeling?”
“Alright I guess. Voice is improving. I showered and drank some sustenance. Tried to stand up, Catherine had to catch me. Eventful day.”
“Well at least you still have your sense of humor. How are things with Catherine?”
“Like torture. I want her here, to be near her but it is so painful. I feel like a masochist.”
“Oh Alex stop it. Can’t you see it?”
“See what?”
“That it is the same for her. Come on. I know you can be thick when it comes to another woman being interested in you but it doesn’t get more obvious than this. She has barely left your side since you were admitted, she was a wreck when she called me, was a wreck while you were unconscious, she cancelled a full day of surgery to be by your side. She was going to cancel her clinic tomorrow as well. I’m not sure if she has but that was her plan. She cares about you, and she clearly isn’t going anywhere.” Abby might see a nice sugar coating on her own romantic relationships, but she is never one to have such delusions about anyone else’s. I ponder her words for a minute.
“Then why was she trying to set me up with some nurse earlier? It doesn’t matter. You can speculate all you want to. It has to come from her.”
“Or you could say something. You don’t have anything better to do while you’re here anyway.”
“Can’t. It has to come from her. It isn’t the same for the two of us. This would be easy for me. For her it means a shift in her identity, how she has always seen herself. I don’t want to pressure her into figuring that out.”
“I think she already has it figured out. Your call though. Everyone says hello and sends their love. They plan to come see you once you’re out of the ICU.”
“Catherine said that will happen today. I haven't heard anything else so I’m not sure. Tell them all hello for me.” Abby’s phone rings, making both of us jump.
“Well quick case is over. Gonna have to go back in a few. Depending on how late we finish I’ll stop up after, but I’m not hopeful. We have office tomorrow so I won’t be by until dinner time.”
“No worries. I get it. I’ll have something to do at least when Catherine gets back.”
“Talk to her Alex. One of you has to take the first step here. This is like watching a stand off where both gunmen refuse to shoot.”
“I has to be her. It has to come from her.” Abby shakes her head as she walks out the door.
*****
I’m awakened by the sound of people in my room. I open my eyes to see that Catherine is back and asleep, her head lying on my leg. “Hi. We are here to move you to your new room.”
“Ok, just a second please.” The pair step out into the hallway. I don’t want to wake Catherine. I can’t imagine she has had much quality sleep if she has been here with me for days. I don’t have a choice though. “Catherine. Catherine wake up.” Nothing. She is out. I sit up and brush the hair from her face, then find myself lightly running my thumb over her cheekbone. I cup her cheek in my palm and slowly trace the length of her jawline with my finger tips. I stop with my thumb hovering just over her lips. She looks so peaceful. I shake myself out of it and move my hand to her shoulder. “Catherine. Catherine, time to wake up.” This time I give her shoulder the slightest of shakes. Just enough to jar her from sleep. She opens her eyes, sees me and smiles, her smile quickly fading into a look of panic when she realizes where she is.
“So sorry. I—.” The two unknown individuals come back into the room, this time with my nurse.
“Hey Alex. Looks like you’re leaving us. They are here to take you to your new room. Good luck with the rest of your recovery.” Catherine rises from her chair and begins to grab the few things we have to take with us.
“Just put the bags on the bed Catherine. Plenty of room.” Plenty of room for you too, I think to myself. I still feel the warmth from her face on my thigh. I need to stop. It is difficult enough being around her, no need to make it worse.
A trek down one hallway, a short ride in the elevator and a few turns later we are in my new room. Seems bigger than the ICU room did. Probably due to less equipment and maybe because the window allows a view of something other than the side of the building. Catherine immediately starts to settle in. The chairs are further from the bed in this room. I immediately like it less. My new nurse comes in to introduce herself and take my vitals. Once she is gone Catherine and I are alone again.
“Well at least this room has a recliner you can sleep in.” I cringe as I hear myself say it out loud. The look on Catherine’s face makes it even worse. “I didn’t mean it that way. You using my leg as a pillow is fine. I just meant the recliner will probably be a bit more comfortable.” Catherine gives me a small smile but says nothing. “Before I forget could you text Abby the room number please?”
“Sure.” Catherine sends the text. “Lydia says hello. She is planning to come see you tomorrow I think.”
“Yeah I need to talk to her. Try to figure out the rent situation.”
“Do you want to try to get up again? The sooner we get you up the faster that catheter can come out. Faster that comes out the sooner you can have your sweatpants.”
“Excellent motivation Dr. Waters! We can give it a go when you’re ready.” Catherine moves to my bedside, waiting for me to move. I swing my legs over the side and plant my feet on the floor.
“Oh hold on a second. Don’t stand up just yet.” Catherine leaves the bedside and opens the gym bag she got from my place. She comes back to me with my slippers in her hand. “These will keep your feet warm and give you a little more traction.” She squats and places a hand on the back of my right calve, slowly moving her hand downward to draw my foot to her. The sensation of her touch on my bare skin sends chills down my spine and elicits gooseflesh. If Catherine notices she doesn’t say anything. She repeats the process on my other leg, my body again betraying me. I become embarrassed when I realize it has been a few days and that I pro
bably need to shave. Catherine stands again and looks at me. I want to bolt up off of the bed, pull her body against mine, feel her lips on mine but sit, frozen and waiting. “There. When you’re ready.” I shake my head to clear the fog my imaginings have left me in.
“Ok. Ready?” Catherine holds out her arms, indicating that she is. I plant both feet and stand. The motion creates a Charley horse in my right calve and sends me back to sitting on the bed.
“What happened? Are you ok?” Catherine’s concern fills her voice and face.
“Yeah. Just a Charley horse. Shouldn’t be surprised I guess.” I lean over to grab my toes just as Catherine squats down. Her chin connects with my head, sending her backwards and causing me to fall from the bed. Catherine springs back to my side.
“Alex are you ok?” She is already helping me up to my knees.