Fusion

by Diana Kane

  “Yeah, just my pride I think.” Catherine has my face in her hands, tilting my head at all angles, first to examine the burr holes then everywhere else. She finally stops tilting my head around but keeps my face contained in her hands.

  “Where did we connect?” She is so close it would be easy to shrink the distance, to use the press of my body to pin her against the floor. I finally look at her knowing that she has to see how badly I want her. The thoughts quickly go away, ice water putting the fire out.

  “You’re bleeding.” Without thinking I instinctively reach up and gently wipe the blood from Catherine’s lower lip. I’m vaguely aware that my thumb lingers longer than necessary. Catherine doesn’t move away immediately but does after a moment.

  “I’m not worried about me. Are you ok?”

  “Physically fine.” Catherine releases my face and stands. “Ok well we need to get you off of this floor and back onto the bed. Let me call for the nurse.”

  “No. I can do it. Just give me a hand.” Catherine stops, clearly planning to argue with me. I don’t give her the chance and begin the process of trying to stand. My muscles fight against me, taunting me that Catherine was right. I make it back onto the bed and this time swing my legs back up onto it before attempting to grab both sets of toes.

  “Here let me help.” Catherine moves to the foot of the bed. “Straighten out your legs.” I do as she commands. “I’m going to push back on your feet, see if we can’t get those cramps to ease up.” She does as promised. It aches in the way that breaking up a Charley horse does, painfully good. She repeats this a few times and moves to the side of the bed, taking a seat on the edge. She proceeds to start to massage my right foot. I pull away and slide back up the bed. “Relax. Those muscles need to stretch. Just relax.” I do and she resumes massaging my foot. It feels amazing. She does the same with the other foot. I think she is done but she isn’t. She slips her hands behind my heel and starts to massage my calve, stopping just below the back of my knee. My muscles tighten in response and I try to pull away. Catherine is quick though and has a lock on my leg. “Honestly Alex, relax.” I have no choice. I will my muscles to relax. Her touch is driving me insane. She moves her attention to my other leg. I nearly moan but suppress it in time. “Want to try again?”

  “Sure,” I whisper, catching the breathless rasp of my own voice.

  Catherine resumes her position at the side of the bed as I pivot, placing my feet on the floor. She extends her arms and I take my cue and stand. My legs shake causing Catherine to place a hand on each of my hips, not knowing that of all things that probably won’t help. I will my legs to get control of themselves. It takes a second but they finally do.

  “You alright? Do you want to try to take a step or do you need to sit back down?” I am acutely aware that Catherine’s hands are still on my hips. I look up to find Catherine staring at me intensely. She isn’t looking away and I am unable to. The pull of her proximity, her hands on my hips, the intensity of her stare is all too much. I can’t stop myself this time. I take a step forward, moving in to kiss her. She doesn’t stop me. A knock on the door however brings me back to my senses, stopping me before I force Catherine’s decision.

  “Hey you’re out of bed!” The nurse has come to check my vitals again. I can’t tell if she is a blessing or a curse in this moment. Either way she is oblivious to the fact that she has interrupted something.

  “Yes. Just managed my first step I think.” Did I or did I imagine it?

  “Great! You’ll be up and down the hall in no time. Do you need anything?” I shake my head no but Catherine has other ideas.

  “Can we get her one of those heating pads from therapy please? I think the heat will help her muscles.” Catherine has no idea that my body is on fire right now, her hands still on my hips. I must have taken a step as her arms are slightly bent now.

  “I’ll work on that. I’ll bring you some more water as well.” We thank her as she leaves the room.

  I turn and find Catherine staring at me again. My legs are starting to shake anew and the moment has been lost. “I think I should get back to the bed.”

  Catherine

  Not now Catherine. Not yet. I keep repeating this, my inner monologue running on a loop. All this physical contact with Alex is driving me mad. Now is not the time for me to tell her, this is not the place. Alex needs to focus on her recovery, not on me. My head and my heart are at war, my heart urging me to shout if from the rooftops and my head reminding me that now is not the time. She is so close though, my hands locked on her hips, hers on my biceps, our eyes locked on each other. My heart is pounding so hard that it drowns out my brain. Fuck waiting. Just as I start to close the gap the nurse comes in to check on Alex, spoiling the opportunity. My brain resumes control, the loop continues to play.

  I help Alex back onto her bed. It takes every ounce of control I have to not push her down and straddle her, to claim what my body is screaming for. I know that she can’t for many reasons, so for now just sharing a space with her will have to do. I settle back into my chair and find my eyes fixed on Alex. The gorgeous green eyes that were so wrong in my nightmare are perfect here, filled with life and an indescribable spark that draws me into them. A knock at the door interrupts the connection. I figure it is the aide with the heating pad and am surprised to see Erin.

  “Hey Alex! Great to see you awake and out of the ICU!” Erin gives her a big hug before turning to me. “I sorta rushed up her to warn you that we just wrapped up our cases for the day. A group of nurses and techs from the team are heading to the gift shop and then up here to see Alex.” I don’t need Erin to elaborate. It is one thing for Erin to know, but if the others find out the whole OR will know within five minutes.

  “Right then. Well I do need a shower and could stand a bite to eat. I’ll leave you to it.” Alex’s brow furrows.

  “I thought you showered this morning.” Her voice is becoming stronger and stronger, I no long have to struggle to hear her.

  “It is hot in here, I feel sweaty.” I look at the thermostat, it reads a cool 68 degrees. Erin and Alex look at each other, Alex seems more confused than ever. I don’t give her time to argue further, I rush to get out the door. I don’t risk the elevators, instead I burst into the stairwell and run as quickly down them as possible. I need a cold shower and clean panties. I already know before I get to my locker that I’ve depleted the bag I packed Friday morning. After thinking for a moment I decide I have time to head home. There I can shower and grab clothes for clinic tomorrow. It should take around a hour, which I estimate will be enough time for Alex’s visitors to be long gone. I grab my keys and coat from my locker and head towards the parking ramp.

  The stuffed mailbox serves to remind me that I have been gone for a few days. I realize that I need to take care of a few things while I’m here. I toss the mail on the bar knowing there is nothing there that won’t wait. I immediately head to the pool and add the needed chemicals. The water looks so inviting but I don’t want to be gone long enough to get a good workout in. I water the few plants I have and head back to the kitchen. I open the barren refrigerator and realize with a pang how much I miss having Alex here. The pang is quickly eviscerated by the desire I have been struggling to contain. I need a shower.

  The cold water assaulting me from the four shower heads does nothing to extinguish the fire my hormones have blazed throughout my body. Giving up I switch them to hot, steam quickly billowing out of the stall. My forearm brushes over my nipple as I reach for the loofah. Little jolts surge through me. I need relief so I lean back against the warm tile and imagine what it would be like to be here with Alex. I imagine her behind me, running her hands down the back of my shoulders, snaking them around to cup my breasts, slowly working them down my abdomen, then my hips, trailing her fingers along my inner thighs. I imagine that the warm trails of water running down my body are Alex’s lips and tongue working all over me. I start to massage myself with one hand and work a breast and nipp
le with the other, imagining that it is Alex sending the surges of heat through me again and again. I want to feel her inside of me so I slowly insert two fingers, angling so I can keep pressure on my clit as well. I imagine Alex working me, forcing my hips to move faster and faster. I come quick and hard and realize that the fire has only been dampened. Feeling somewhat better I finish my shower and pack up my bag with fresh clothes to last a few more days. I get in the car and head to the cafe near the hospital to pick up some soup for us. I figure she will be alright as long as it is soft food, so I go with chicken noodle and cream of chicken with rice. I see the dessert offerings and add a pair of red velvet cupcakes, deciding that Alex needs a treat of some kind.

  I return to her room and stop just short to listen for any conversation to indicate that I’ve returned too early. All I hear is the sound of a movie or show. I enter and immediately see the flowers and balloons her coworkers have brought her. They add a little warmth to the coldness of the hospital room. I mentally kick myself. Now that Alex is out of the ICU she can have these things. I’ve never been big on flowers or balloons, they seem impractical as they wither away so quickly. I make a mental note to brainstorm something better, something permanent. Alex is sitting on the bed stretching her calves as they lay on the heating pad. I warm at the sight of her, my desire for her immediately amping back up, like a fire that has had gasoline tossed on it. The green eyes I can’t get my fill of and her warm smile greet me.

  “You’re finally back.” She eyes the bag of food in my hand, I realize she is probably starving. “Any chance I can at least have a bite of yours? I want something other than broth and jello.” A small pout replaces her smile making me laugh.

  “I suppose it is a good thing I brought enough for the both of us then.” Alex’s eyes light up and her smile returns. I love knowing that I can do something so small to make her so happy. “What are you watching?” I reach into the bag and remove the two bowls of soup keeping the cupcakes hidden, a surprise for later.

  “Some movie Erin told me to watch. I can’t get into it at all though. I was waiting for you to see if you want to watch some more Thrones or something.”

  “Thrones is fine, unless you aren’t in the mood.” I sit the bowls on the table in front of Alex and remove the lids. She eyes them greedily. I’m afraid I’ll have to wipe drool off her chin soon.

  “But what are you going to eat?” We both laugh. I love seeing her so relaxed.

  “Which ever one you don’t want.” I put a spoon in each bowl as she makes her choice. Alex takes the bowl of cream of chicken and immediately digs in. She moans with pleasure as the first spoonful hits her tongue. I immediately flush, the sound of her moaning causing me to recall the memory of Alex and Brooke, morphing my desire into arousal.

  Alex eyes me carefully. “You alright?” I’ve been busted.

  “Yeah soup is just a little hotter than I expected.” A terrible lie, but she either accepts it as truth or is too hungry to press.

  Sara and Abby knock at the door bringing more balloons and flowers for Alex. Their visit is a brief one. I check the clock and discover that it is well after seven. “Want me to put those with the others?” Alex nods her head and watches me. She smiles and shakes her head slightly. “What? Did I do something?”

  “No. It’ll sound terrible if I tell you.”

  “Well now you have to tell me.”

  “I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I do not understand the whole flowers and balloons thing. The sentiment is nice, and it is nice to be thought of, but they just fade so quickly. Seems like a waste of money is all.” I laugh, clearly shocking Alex. “What is so funny?”

  “Nothing. It is just when I came back earlier I saw them and kicked myself for not getting you any. It honestly never occurred to me though because I feel the same way you do about them. They wither so quickly, what makes them so great?”

  Alex surprises me by taking my hand. “You don’t have to get me anything. You’ve basically lived here since the accident. I don’t know why, but you have. You’ve run errands for me, brought me food and kept me company. All those things are better than flowers and balloons.” I don’t let go of her hand and am surprised when she doesn’t release mine. We lock eyes with one another, and I will her to see everything I am feeling, everything I am unable to say.

  “Feel like watching something lighter? A cheesy comedy maybe?”

  “Sure. Sounds like you have something in mind.” We can watch anything Alex wants to. I just want to be here with her.

  “I do, but it has a lesbian love story in it.” She eyes me, trying to assess if I’ll be ok with it. I smile at her.

  “A love story and a corny plot? Sounds good.” I watch as Alex starts up D.E.B.S., never releasing my hand. Her thumb absentmindedly strokes the back of my hand, sending ripples of sensation through the rest of my body, as if her thumb were stroking me everywhere. We watch about half of the movie before she looks over and stares at the bag.

  “Anything good in there?”

  “What makes you think—,” I stop myself. Alex has always been perceptive of the things around her. I grab the bag and am forced to release her hand. The cold and empty feeling returns as I open the bag and extract the cupcakes, watching Alex’s eyes grow at the sight of them. “I thought we could use a treat, if you think you’ll be ok to eat it.”

  “I will be. First I want to try walking again. I want to get this catheter out so I can go home.” The words hit me like a hard slap. Home?

  “Home? We haven’t discussed discharging you yet.”

  “I know we haven’t, but I’m fine and I’m ready to get out of here. I’m slowly going crazy being confined to this room.”

  “Slow down Alex. For starters getting the catheter out is only a small step. You need to be ambulating with a walker at least before I will consider discharging you. You also need to consider the fact that your place is up a narrow flight of stairs and that you live alone. I’m not sure how you plan to get up those steps but you cannot go home and be alone.” Alex sits in sullen silence. “Look I’m not trying to bring you down. I just want you to realize that you will probably be here the rest of the week, at least. Alex you suffered a head trauma. You are going to need someone to help you out for a while. You need a plan.”

  “I know.” She sighs heavily. “That just isn’t me. I don’t like to be a burden on anyone. I can take care of myself. I need to get out of here and get back to work, get back to some semblance of the life I had before the accident.”

  “I’m sorry Alex. I need you to realize that you will need to accept help this time. Even when I do discharge you, it will be on a very limited activity basis. You have to take it easy and continue to rest. You understand that means you won’t be going back to work for at least a month, probably longer.”

  Alex sighs again, sounding defeated. She won’t even look at me. “I know, only I can’t—.” I cut her off.

  “Come back to the house with me.” My heart is pounding as the words come out. I’d like to say that I offered for entirely altruistic reasons but I’d be lying. I want her back at the house, need to be near her. “You wouldn’t be a burden. I’ll arrange to have someone there with you when I’m working. Think about it.”

  “Catherine…I don’t know. Is it really a good idea?”

  “Just think about it. I’m offering because I want to do this for you.” I’m such a liar. I do want to help Alex anyway that I can, but I’ll selfishly be fulfilling a need of my own as well.

  Alexis

  Catherine acquiesced and went back to work on Tuesday. I am lost in a new book when there is a knock at the door. I am surprised to see Lydia.

  “Well you look like you’re doing alright. Nice to see you awake. Abby has been keeping me updated.”

  “Lydia it is nice to see you! How are you?” I am truly happy to see Lydia, she quickly became like a grandmother to me before the accident. It doesn’t hurt that her presence also distracts me from thinking a
bout Catherine.

  “Oh you know, I’m good. Getting ready to visit my sister. Tired of this gloom and doom weather we keep having. What about you, feeling ok?” I laugh a little. I understand being sick of this weather for sure, but would give anything to be able to walk outside and take in a lung full of that crisp fresh air.

  “I am. I can walk a little, but they won’t let me get out of bed without paging for help and using a walker. As soon as Catherine left they turned the fall risk alarm on. If I even try to get up the damn thing goes off.”

  “Good. You need to be careful. So you finally got the doctor to leave your side. How is that going?” I sigh. How is it going? Great with a side of torment? Lydia chuckles. “Never easy is it?”

  “Guess not. Honestly it has been great having her here. Things are relaxed and we are getting along just fine. It is also like being water boarded. I can’t fight my feelings for her. I’ve agreed to go back to her place after I’m discharged until I am able to take care of myself again. I know it isn’t a good idea. I need to distance myself from her, but I can’t.” Lydia doesn’t respond. She does this often. Whenever you speak to her about a problem she will let you sit and think about it, letting you reach your own conclusion. I know I won’t find one.