by Jill Shalvis
With one last look at her, Colin walked down the hallway, thinking Lani shouldn't be working, not so soon after her concussion. She should be in bed. Maybe he'd put her there himself.
Yeah, he liked that idea.
Then he stood in the doorway to his office, staring in horror at the crushed mess of metal and delicate laser model laying on his floor. Above it, tears in her eyes, stood Lani.
Carmen stood quietly next to her, looking both defeated and afraid. Refusing to acknowledge Colin's presence, she stared at her clenched hands. He gritted his teeth. His ruined prototype looked like a cheap two-dollar toy.
"I'm so sorry, Colin," Lani said quickly. "It was a terrible accident. Carmen was dusting and—"
"It's ruined."
His eyes were dark, angry and colder than Lani had ever seen them. "Yes, I know. I'm so sorry."
"I'd like to talk to you alone," he said in a terribly quiet voice.
"But—"
"Now."
Lani could hardly move she was so upset. Awkwardly, she made a few signs, and for once Carmen didn't pretend to not understand.
With one last furtive glance at Colin, the older woman escaped through the door.
It was the first time she'd left Colin's presence without sticking out her tongue.
Despite Lani's best efforts not to cry, two tears squeezed out, slid down her cheeks. "God, Colin. I feel sick."
"That's because you shouldn't be working today, dammit."
"Not from the concussion. From what I've done! Tell me the cost of the damage."
"It's irreplaceable, Lani."
It was his tone that got her, that distant tone that told her she was nothing to him but an irresponsible maid. "Everything can be replaced for the right amount," she said. "Tell me the cost and I promise to somehow—"
He laughed. Laughed. "You could work for the rest of your life cleaning and still not make enough."
The implication of that sank in. She knew he was angry, he had a right to be. She had made a horrible, heart-breaking mistake and she would do anything she could to rectify it.
What couldn't be rectified was her pride. "Are you telling me there's nothing I can do to make this better?"
"Firing her would be a great start."
"Carmen?"
"Who else?"
"I…" She didn't understand why he would ask such a thing, but she thought of Carmen's three grandchildren, the ones that Carmen struggled to raise by herself. Lani could never live with herself if she fired the woman, but that was beside the point. She would never choose the welfare of four lives over the value of one thing, no matter how important that one thing was. "I can't believe you can ask me to do that."
"I'm not asking, I'm telling."
"I don't follow orders well," she warned him, her voice shaking. "Not even for you."
"You'd keep her after this?" he asked incredulously. "After she broke the laser prototype?"
Now she understood and was overwhelmed with sadness for his quick judgment. "Carmen didn't break the model, Colin. I did."
"No."
"I tried to tell you, you didn't want to listen. Carmen was dusting and saw a spider. She made a funny strangled noise and I jerked around. When I did, my elbow bumped the laser. It shattered before I could catch it."
His eyes were hard and shuttered. "You're covering for her. You wouldn't be so clumsy."
The sorrow spread through her veins, killing her spirit. "Then you don't know very much about me. Certainly less than I thought if you think I'd fire Carmen over my own error."
"I know you better than you think. You have a save-the-world-heart. You're trying to save Carmen, and she doesn't deserve it."
"I'm telling you, it wasn't her fault."
He stared at her, clearly unable to believe she could be so loyal. But then again, he hadn't had a lot of loyalty in his life. She tried to remember this and looked for a sign of the warm, loving, passionate man she'd been with the night before.
He was completely gone, hidden behind a mask of grim, unforgiving anger.
But she did see a flicker of something that looked suspiciously like fear, and it made her heart hurt. "You're using this as an excuse to push me away," she realized. "Did last night scare you that much?"
A tightening of his lips was her only answer.
"It was the real thing and you can't take it." She let out a hurt little laugh. "I'm right, aren't I? You can't trust me enough to give me your heart. You woke up and panicked. You needed a reason to be hard and ungiving, to back off and tell yourself you were right in doing so. I just gave you that excuse. Well, damn you, Colin West. After all we've shared, you still can't do it. You can't let yourself love me."
"You're forgetting again, dammit, that this is all pretend."
"Oh, no. It stopped being pretend the moment you first touched me, and you know it. And even if you somehow didn't, then last night should have proved it to you once and for all."
"No." But his voice was hoarse. "You agreed to this, Lani. I knew I was asking a lot, but you agreed to play house. It's all a show."
He was right, but that only made her feel worse. She wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. "I realize this is the last straw for you, Colin. You see your project set back even further now. You see me having to stay longer. You see your peaceful, quiet existence permanently in your past. I understand. I'll back out of this office job. And out of the deal, if you'd like. But don't you dare lie to my face and tell me you never had feelings for me."
He dragged in a ragged breath and admitted nothing.
She looked at him, hoping to find a piece of the man she'd fallen for, but there was no one but the successful, rich, disdainful inventor, the one who could and would trust no one.
"I was there last night," she said urgently, trying one last time to reach him, knowing this was her last chance. "I saw your face when we made love, I saw the wonder and the affection and the heat swimming in your eyes. You can't tell me it was fake. I won't believe you."
Colin had no idea what to say to her, not when his head was spinning with the need to run away, far and fast. Yes, he lusted after her, deeply. But lust wasn't love.
He didn't do love.
He simply couldn't allow himself to fall for this woman who had turned his life upside down without trying. Couldn't allow himself to get in that deep because he wouldn't be able to take it when it was over.
"Obviously you're not ready for this," she said, pinching her lips together. He thought he saw more moisture fill her eyes, which was like a knife to his gut, but she blinked, clearing it away.
Gently, she scooped the shattered laser onto her dustpan, then very carefully set the entire mess on his desk. "I'm very sorry, Colin," she said quietly, straightening. "I'd do anything to be able to take it back. I know I can't. I only wish that you'd understand I'd rather rip out my own heart than hurt you."
He didn't say a word when she came close, smelling like sweet summer rain, looking strong yet vulnerable in a way that made him want to throw everything he'd said out the window. With an incredibly light touch, she set her hands on his shoulders, bracing herself so that she could reach up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.
"Good-bye," she whispered.
Then she was gone.
Colin stood there, still frozen. He had been blown away by her intense determination to break through to him, by her fierce loyalty to Carmen, by her need to make him understand. That she had walked away now, when he knew damn well how much his business meant to her own, caused a deep, piercing ache.
He was an idiot. A big, dumb jerk. He was taking his frustrations out on her and an old woman for God's sake.
For an encore he'd have to go beat up some orphans.
Disgusted with himself, he walked to his desk and took a good long look at what he'd put before everything else. Pieces of metal, nothing more.
Shattered, like his heart.
He looked at the closed door, certain he'd just let the best thing ever
to happen to him get away.
* * *
It was past midnight before he allowed himself to go home. He was heavy-footed and bleary-eyed.
And just maybe exhausted enough to crawl into bed without missing Lani.
The house was dark, a good thing because no way could he face his mother and aunts and admit his failure. Or that the engagement party, scheduled for tomorrow night, was pretty much a moot point.
He turned his shower on boiling hot and stood under it for a long time, but the tension inside him didn't drain away. Naked and wet, he padded out of the bathroom into his dark room, hoping to fall into the oblivion of sleep.
"Hey."
It was the sweetest, softest, sexiest "hey" he'd ever heard, and it had come from the vicinity of his bed.
"Hey back," he said, so ridiculously relieved that his voice sounded like gravel. He peered into the moonlit dark and saw the shadow of Lani sitting cross-legged on his bed.
"I thought you'd never get out of that shower."
Her voice held a touching mix of affection and nerves. He'd never been so happy to see anyone in his life, even though he couldn't exactly see her. He came closer to make sure he wasn't dreaming. His knees touched the bed. "I thought you were gone."
"You fired me from the cleaning job," she said slowly, touching his arm when he reached for the lamp. "Not yet, Colin. I'll say this better in the dark." She drew in a ragged breath. "You didn't say anything about this, about our agreement, so I didn't know, but … I didn't want to go back on my word. I still want to help you, if you want me."
He didn't deserve her.
"I'm so sorry, Colin," she said quickly before he could say a word. "I'm so, so sorry about your work, about what I did to the laser. Please forgive me."
God. He'd yelled at her, been a complete jerk and she was apologizing to him. He was slime.
Worse.
And completely incapable of keeping his distance, not tonight. Hell, he couldn't even remember why he'd ever wanted to.
"Colin?" She was still worried, still half braced for his rejection.
He had to see her. He overrode her hand on his arm and flipped on the light, thinking only that he had to look into her gorgeous eyes.
Her startled gasp filled the room and he remembered … he was totally nude.
"Colin…" Her eyes feasted on him, feeding the heat and hunger that were already nearly out of control. "You're so beautiful," she said dreamily.
"Not like you." His gaze never left her face. She could have been wearing a potato sack for all he cared. "Not like you, Lani. You're the most beautiful sight I've ever seen." Slowly he lowered himself to the bed, then dragged her close. Banding his arms around her, he bent his head to hers.
"Does this mean you forgive me…?"
"Don't," he begged. "Don't ever apologize to me for today. I can't believe how I talked to you, how you looked when I did. I know that you've lost too many people in your life—"
She went utterly still.
He cupped her face, made her look at him when she would have pulled away. "You never told me about it. About your family."
"I … couldn't. It was a long time ago, it doesn't matter now."
"It still gives you nightmares, it matters. I'm so sorry, Lani. I will never forgive myself for how I treated you."
"I will," she said simply.
Unable to bear hearing the words that came straight from her heart, when his own was so overflowing and confused, he kissed her. Blind, obsessive heat consumed them but it was different this time, different from anything he'd ever known.
It was soul-searching, earth-shattering and incredibly tender. The urgency was there, but suddenly they had all the time in the world, at least all night, and knowing that, Colin was hopelessly caught by every little nuance, the whisper of a kiss, the slightest touch, a promising glance.
It started again before it was over, the passion, the hunger, and while the initial desperation was gone, the need remained.
He needed her, and he knew without a doubt that she needed him, too.
Nothing in his life had ever felt so … right. So perfect, though even that word didn't do justice to what they shared in those magical hours between midnight and dawn.
"I love you, Colin," Lani whispered at one point, the pale moonlight highlighting her lovely features. "I'll love you forever." Then she kissed him, halting any words or panic, and for the rest of the long, dark night, he lost himself in her.
* * *
Chapter 12
« ^ »
The next day Lani literally danced down Colin's hallways.
It wasn't pretend anymore between Colin and her, it couldn't be. Not with all they'd shared the night before.
Deliriously happy, she danced right to work, starting with Colin's house. She had lots to do—too much, given how behind she'd gotten yesterday, but she didn't mind.
Work was great. Life was great.
She was great.
And tonight—her engagement party.
Hugging herself, she grinned with excitement. Then got to work, starting with the downstairs. She was in the room next to Colin's office, very carefully dusting the bookshelves, concentrating intensely. The last thing she wanted to do was break something else.
In the next room, she heard Colin's office phone, heard his rich, deep voice answer and greet Claudia.
Lani tried to ignore what the mere sound of him did to her. She sprayed furniture polish on her cloth and turned her attention to the shelf.
Through the wall came the low, sexy timbre of Colin's voice. She didn't listen to the words, that would be eavesdropping, and Lani respected his privacy too much for that.
But she wasn't above losing herself in the simple sound of him. She'd done the same last night, listening to his husky whispers as he'd made love to her. Just the thought of some of those wicked suggestions brought a heat to her face now. For a dark, driven man, Colin was earthy, uninhibited and amazingly sensual.
She loved it.
Then she heard the word wedding from the other side of the wall and she stilled.
Wedding? He was talking to Claudia about a wedding? It was wrong to listen, she knew that, but she couldn't tear herself away.
"I realize you just want to help," he was saying. "But it's not necessary."
Lani put a hand to the wall to steady herself. There was going to be a wedding? Theirs?
"No, Claudia. You don't understand." He spoke more quietly now, so that Lani had to strain to hear. And strain she did, plastering her ear to the wall.
"It's not necessary," Colin said. "Because there isn't going to be a wedding."
The rag and polish can fell from Lani's hands to the thick carpet as her raging emotions went from a sudden high to an all-time low.
It's all right, she told herself, scooping up her supplies. They'd not discussed anything yet. There was plenty of time.
And she should walk away now, before she heard something she shouldn't.
"I didn't want to tell you about it for this very reason," came Colin's voice. "I knew you'd react this way— No, listen to me, Claudia. I'm not trying to shut you out of being involved. It's not like that at all. My engagement to Lani? It's not real. It never was."
His voice was so calm and certain. So mundane, as if he were discussing dinner plans.
Lani staggered away from the wall. Shouldn't have listened, she chastised herself, but it was too late. Her heart was processing the words her brain had heard, and it hurt. God, it hurt.
Colin made a disparaging sound. "Yes, that's right. It was all a sham, designed to let me work. There's not going to be a wedding. Ever." His certainty was unmistakable.
Lani's heart broke.
Colin had never dropped the pretense. The realization wasn't an easy one. Last night—oh, last night—she covered her hot face. She'd been so free with herself, so into the beauty of what they'd shared, and it hadn't been real.
She should have known. After all, he'd been ca
reful to make her no promises. She had no one to blame for the anguish she felt now, no one but herself.
Facing the truth was a humiliating experience, and far more painful than she could have believed. No matter what she had told herself, no matter what she'd thought she'd seen in Colin's eyes, she had been the only one to fall.
Lani just barely managed to scoop up her bucket and get out of the room without falling apart. Her vision hampered by bright, hot tears, her throat clogged with stinging hurt, her head down so that she could concentrate on getting her feet to cooperate, she escaped.
And ran directly into Irene in the hallway.
"Darling?" Irene frowned with worry.
Lani's heart was at her feet, crushed, and she was seconds away from self-destructing. Irene's sympathetic smile nearly killed her.
"Are you all right? What's the matter?" Irene wanted to know.
What was the matter? Her heart was broken. She wanted the man of her dreams to fall in love with her. She wanted him to need her above all else. She wanted, oh, how she wanted, to be a real bride. For Colin.
"Lani?"
"Nothing," she answered quickly, her chest hitching with pain. "It's nothing." She let out a little laugh to mask her quiet sob. "I just got a dust fleck in my eye, that's all. Excuse me—"
But Irene gently took her arms and held her still. "You don't have to hide from me. I can see what's happened plain as the nose on my face."
"I doubt it."
"My son hurt you."
"Oh, no. He would never—"
"Not physically," Irene agreed. "Of course not. But he hurt you all the same. No need to rush to the rat's defense."
Lani cleared her throat and swallowed her tears, hoping she sounded normal. "He's a wonderful man, smart and—"
"Lani—"
"—and responsible and strong and—" Her voice cracked when Irene's sad smile threatened her control.
"Oh, Lani. I know what Colin's good points are. Believe me, I know. But I also know the man's faults, and one of them is an inability to open his heart to another."
The tears Lani had been holding back betrayed her and several spilled over. "It's not his fault," she whispered. "He's been hurt." She sniffed and wiped her face. "He's afraid."