by Jill Shalvis
"And now you're paying the price." Irene made a small noise of distress. "I shouldn't have pushed him into this. I'm so sorry."
More than anything in that moment, Lani needed love, desperately. She needed a hug, needed to feel the warmth. It seemed natural to surge forward and hug Irene tight.
It took Irene only one second of hesitation before she wrapped her arms around Lani. "I'm sorry. So, so sorry," she murmured, her voice rough with her own unshed team.
The affection from a woman very unused to such things made Lani cry harder, but it was worth it. For one last special moment, she held onto a part of Colin's life. A life she'd wanted for herself with all her heart. "I have to go," she whispered, knowing if she hung around now she'd make a fool of herself.
Irene straightened away, her own eyes suspiciously damp. "Where? What will happen?"
"I don't know."
Irene's gaze was still hurting, but searching, too. "Truth, Lani. Was this engagement ever real?"
Only for herself. It'd been all too real. And short.
"Damn him," Irene breathed when Lani didn't answer. "How could he have done this to you? To me? To the entire town? It's unthinkable."
"Don't judge him too harshly," Lani begged. "He had his reasons and they were unselfish ones. He didn't want to hurt you or anyone else."
Irene nodded, looking thoughtful. "Yes, I see where he thought he was doing the right thing. Maybe there's hope for him then."
Lani couldn't imagine it; she'd given him everything she'd had and that hadn't been good enough. She had nothing left but her pride, and she was taking that home. "I'm sorry about tonight." The thought of her engagement party seemed … obscene. "Will you be all right?"
"Don't you dare worry about me." For the first time since they'd met, Irene made the first move of physical affection. She reached out and clasped Lani's hands. "Are you sure you have to leave? There's nothing left?"
There was plenty left. Too much. It was why she had to go. "I have to leave, Irene. For me. Do you understand?"
"I don't want to, but of course I do. Lani, darling…" her eyes filled again "…take care."
And so, for the second time in her life, Lani lost a mother. She wanted to hate Colin for that alone, but couldn't. Not when she understood him so well.
She managed to walk away, but it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Remembering his last words helped.
It's not real, he'd said. It never was.
By leaving, she was breaking her word to Colin, something she'd sworn never to do, but it could no longer be helped.
It took her a pathetically short amount of time to pack—less than three minutes. She left the cool house and stepped out into the simmering heat. She got in her car, rolled down her windows and drove off while Colin was still in his office, probably still on his phone casually denying everything she had believed in.
Risk.
She'd wanted one, and in the bargain had gotten far more than she'd counted on. Oh, well, it was done. She wouldn't regret it.
She headed down the hill and crossed the tracks.
* * *
Colin heard the front door shut. Between himself and Lani, and now his family, he heard the sound many times a day.
But for some reason, this time his head came up. His heart clenched. A very bad feeling filled his gut. Something was wrong.
Claudia was still talking in his ear so he shook off the feeling and made a new attempt to listen to her listing his messages. They were important, he knew this, but he couldn't concentrate.
Not when inside him there was a sudden, terrifying aloneness. "I'm sorry, Claudia, I've got to go." He hung up the phone, then went still as he tried to place his sudden uneasiness.
The house was silent as it hadn't been since … since before Lani had come into his life. He got up and left the office.
The living room was empty. So was the kitchen. His unease grew. "Lani?" he called out. Nothing. No sweet voice, no musical, contagious laughter.
Spurred on by a strange fear, he raced up the stairs. She wasn't in the bedroom, where he'd left her soundly sleeping only a little while before. He remembered how she'd looked when he came out of the shower, sleeping so peacefully, looking heart-wrenchingly at home in his huge bed, wearing nothing more than his sheets and a contented expression.
Now she was gone.
Probably at work, he assured himself.
But the panic persisted. He looked in the bathroom.
Her toothbrush was gone.
So was her hairbrush and her small bag of makeup. Heart racing, palms damp, Colin raced back into the bedroom, but there was no mistake.
All her clothes were gone.
She'd left him.
She'd broken her promise and—
"Well, Son, you finally did it," said his mother from behind him. "Chased away the best thing ever to happen to you."
"She's … gone," he said, stunned. His thoughts raced back to last night, to their incredible night of passion. Had she been upset, even as he'd held her, touched her, tasted her? Remembering her soft cries, her not-so-soft demands for more, the way she'd held him clenched tight to her, he knew she hadn't been holding back, harboring any resentment.
She was too honest for that.
But was he honest enough to see the truth? He knew she loved him, knew that he hadn't been able to say those words back to her.
And he knew, dammit, he knew that eventually what he'd given her wouldn't be enough. She'd want the pretense dropped once and for all.
She'd want him for real.
Why hadn't he given her that? Why had he held on to his fear in the face of the most incredulous, giving love he'd ever received? "She's really gone," he said again, bewildered, sinking to his bed. He looked around him as if she might materialize out of nowhere. "Gone."
"Yes," his mother said.
"She promised." He had no idea why he said it, it just popped out, and he wouldn't take back the words because suddenly pride meant nothing. "She promised."
"Promised what?"
No, dammit. He couldn't pin this on her. This was his fault, all his fault. "What happened?"
"She came out of the room next to your office, looking like she'd seen a ghost…" She paused. "Or maybe she heard something? Something that would hurt her?"
Colin closed his eyes, knowing what he'd done. What she'd heard, and how it would have crushed her.
Claudia had been so eager to help, so eager to rush him down the aisle, and he'd balked.
But even as he'd done so, he'd known in his heart he wanted to throw the deception out the window and hold Lani to him forever. Forever. And that meant vows.
So why had he been so adamant with Claudia? Stubbornness, pure and simple, and Lani had been on the other side of the wall, unable to see the truth in his eyes, hearing only what he had said to his secretary.
It's not real, it never was.
He'd said that to Claudia and Lani had heard him and believed it. Why wouldn't she? He'd certainly said it enough.
Just another lie.
He swore.
"Oh, yes, it's a mess," his mother agreed solemnly. "And you only realize the half of it."
"What are you talking about?"
"In less than eight hours everyone that knows you is converging here for the engagement party of the year. It's going to be unpleasant without a fiancée, Colin."
"That's the least of my problems at the moment." He sighed and looked into his mother's hurt eyes. "I'm sorry."
"I don't think I'm the one you should be apologizing to."
"No, you're wrong about that. I tried to fool you. I lied to you."
His mother gave him a sad, forgiving smile. "I might still have been furious, but Lani pointed out that you had good reasons and even better intentions, and I have to agree with her." She sat next to him. "You're a wonderful man, Colin. You can run your own life perfectly well and I shouldn't have tried to interfere. I hope you'll forgive me for that."
; She startled them both by giving him a fiercely loving hug. "You'll do what's right now," she whispered, squeezing him close. "I have faith in you."
Then she left him alone.
It was the emptiness that scared Colin the most, the deep, ripping loneliness already filling his heart. That he had caused Lani to feel the same way was unforgivable. She deserved so much more.
He wanted to give it to her, if only she'd let him.
Having no idea how he was going to make this all better, only knowing he had to try, he went after her.
* * *
Several hours later, in the thick, repressive heat, Colin had to admit failure.
Lani had vanished.
She wasn't at her office, wasn't on a job, wasn't in her apartment.
He'd got a fulminating look from Great-Aunt Jennie, one that should have withered him on the spot, but he was already so miserable she couldn't possibly make him feel worse.
He had fallen hopelessly and irrevocably in love, only he'd been stupid enough to let it sift through his fingers.
He drove by every one of Lani's jobs. Nothing. Eventually he made his way back home, only to be confronted with the frantic, last-minute preparations for his fake engagement party.
Faced with only a few hours until guests were due to arrive, dinner in various stages of preparation and the house more like a home than he could ever remember it being, Colin came to a decision.
He stood in his foyer and stared down at a plant on the floor. It had a blue ribbon around it and several white flowers blooming. He had no idea what kind of plant it was, but it looked very at home. Just another visual reminder of Lani. Somehow it strengthened his resolve. "I'm not going to give up," he told the plant. "I love her and, dammit, she's going to hear it."
"Well, it's about time."
Grimacing, he turned to face an unusually quiet Bessie and Lola.
"Fix this," Bessie demanded of him, poking him with a finger. "Because I got to tell you, Colin West, that Lani was a definite keeper."
He managed a smile. "I know." God, how he knew. "The party—"
"We'll worry about the party, you worry about your fiancée," Lola said much more kindly than her sister, patting his arm. "Just go fix this mess, darling."
He turned to leave, but suddenly Carmen was there blocking his way. She'd been hired for the day to help prepare for the party, and though she didn't look friendly, at least she hadn't stuck her tongue out at him.
Her eyes told him she thought he was one stupid man for letting Lani go. They also told him something else, and hope surged within Colin for the first time in hours.
"You know where she is," he said, trying unsuccessfully to rein in his excitement. "Tell me."
She gave him a sardonic gaze.
Damn, she couldn't talk. "I have to know, Carmen." She peered deeply into his eyes for so long he nearly yelled in frustration.
The more agitated he got, the calmer she appeared. She pointed to her ring finger, then looked at him with her eyebrows raised.
"I'll buy her a ring," he promised, but she rolled her eyes, disgusted.
What then? He would have gone running for paper and pen, but she grabbed his hand and pointed to his ring finger.
"Yes," he said urgently. "I promise, I want to marry Lani for real. I want the party tonight to be real. But I can't do any of it unless I find her. Tell me, Carmen, please, where is she?"
She searched his eyes, and he hoped to God she found what she wanted there because he had to know. Time was running out. "Tell me."
She nodded, then backed up to give herself space and started to … gyrate?
Bouncing, shimmying and shaking her bootie, she turned in a slow circle. Colin just stared at her, certain she'd cracked. "Uh … Carmen? We were talking about Lani?"
Irritated, eyes flashing, she stopped and glared at him with her hands on her hips.
"Okay, okay! Try again. I'm watching."
Again she started to writhe. No … she was hula dancing? "She's taking … dancing lessons?"
Carmen sighed loudly and shot a glance heavenward. Then she started again, definitely doing the hula for all her heavy, sixty-something-old body was worth. Colin stared at her in amazement. "She's … oh, damn. She's going to Hawaii!"
Carmen pointed to her nose and nodded triumphantly.
He was right. Lani had apparently said the hell with life and had taken off for a well-deserved vacation.
Colin hoped he could catch her or she was going to miss her own—real—engagement party.
* * *
Chapter 13
« ^
Lani hadn't taken a vacation in … well, forever. She owed herself one, she decided.
Now seemed as good a time as any. Hawaii was calling.
In less than an hour she had a bag packed and had notified everyone that she was taking two weeks off. In another hour she was at the airport, staring at the departure screens, wondering which flight to take.
The airport was a bundle of activity around her. Voices, laughter, shouts, people rushing, walking, sleeping. Even the smells: coffee, leather, people, diesel, they all made her think of exotic places.
She was standing in front of a ticket counter before she knew it. The next flight left in minutes. If she was quick, she could be in Oahu for a late dinner. She'd lie on the beach watching the sunset, sipping pretty colored drinks.
She'd enjoy herself.
She would.
"Ma'am?" A friendly ticket agent smiled at her. "Are you next?"
She could be. With a flick of her poor, abused credit card she could be gone. Outta here. Away from any memory of the man who'd broken her heart.
But that heart didn't want to run. It wasn't the answer, no matter how tempting, and she had to face the truth.
Yes, she'd fallen in love with a man who couldn't give that love back to her. But that wasn't a crime, nor was it his fault. He'd never misled her, not once.
Not only was she acting childishly, she'd done the one thing she'd promised she wouldn't—she'd broken her promise.
She'd let him down.
It hurt, just thinking it. How could she have done that to him?
At this very moment, Colin's mother and aunts would have staff racing madly through his house, preparing for their engagement party, the party she'd agreed to attend.
But her heart was breaking, dammit. To stand at Colin's side and pretend to love him, when she really did, would be the hardest thing in the world.
"Ma'am."
"I'm sorry." Lani smiled apologetically. She stepped aside. "I've changed my mind."
If she lived through this heartache, she promised herself, then she'd travel. She'd go to Hawaii and maybe, just maybe, never come back.
But she didn't move away, not yet, just stood there and gazed blindly at the black screen high above her, where the flight she had nearly gotten on started to blink.
They were boarding. Without her.
Then her neck was tingling, her heart racing, and slowly she turned. Standing there, chest heaving as though he'd been running, his face drawn and pale, was Colin.
"Lani."
Just her name, but he put such a wealth of feeling into it, she closed her eyes against the new onslaught of pain.
She felt his hands on her shoulders. They slid up, cupped her face, tilted it up. "Thank God, I found you in time."
Lani hadn't imagined this, what seeing him again would do to her heart.
Funny, but around them everything was normal. People rushing like ants toward their gates, hugging good-bye, laughing, smiling.
And her heart was breaking all over again.
"Please," Colin said, his voice low and raw. "Don't go. I'm so sorry I didn't understand everything sooner." His hands slid down her arms, clasped her hands tight, and in a heartrending gesture, he brought them to his lips. "Please, Lani, don't leave me."
He thought she was going.
She glanced down at her packed-to-bulging bag. She still stood in
front of the ticket counter. In one of her hands tucked in his, she held a brochure she'd picked up at the airport entrance, one that could have been mistaken for a plane ticket.
He believed she could leave him.
"I know I don't have the right to ask," he said urgently. "But if you could listen to me, just give me a few minutes, maybe I can change your mind."
She owed him. She had made a promise she had no right to break simply because of her feelings for him. She pulled her hands free and stepped back. She needed to be able to think, and she couldn't do that with his hands on her. "Colin, I'm not going—"
"I know I hurt you," he said in a rush. "I'm sorry for that, too. You're the last person in the world I wanted to hurt."
"I'm not—"
"But you threw me, Lani. You were so … real. So loyal and trusting and sweet." He came close again but didn't touch her. "So absolutely—"
"Colin, I'm not going." It wasn't his fault, she reminded herself. You fell on your own, knowing he couldn't return the feelings.
"Lani, I love you."
"I'm not— What?" She grabbed his shirt, hauled him closer. "What did you just say?"
"I love you."
There was a new line forming at the ticket counter behind them. It was a noisy group, but Lani managed to make herself heard. "That's a low blow, Colin," she whispered furiously. "I said I'm not going anywhere. I'll be there for your damn engagement party. You don't have to tease me by telling me—by saying— You know!"
He blinked at her, opened his mouth in shock, but she whirled, intending to stalk off, madder than she could ever remember being.
How dare he throw her words back in her face just so that she would come back, especially when she had already made up her mind to do so on her own. A firm but easy hand settled at her elbow, drawing her back against the hard, warm chest she'd know anywhere. "Lani, wait."
She actually had little choice since Colin wasn't about to let her go anywhere with such a huge misunderstanding between them. Her bag fell on his foot, but he ignored the pain because it took two hands to hold her still.
The people in line seemed interested in the tussle between them but Colin didn't care.
All he cared about was keeping Lani.