The Kraken in Love

by Abbie McAnn

  She paused when she got to his hand, waiting for him to pull away. He didn’t. It was enough of an encouragement for her to lace her fingers into his.

  Sam groaned quietly, though he tried hard to cover it up. She didn’t want him to be embarrassed. It wasn’t hard to guess that this was the first time someone had held his hand.

  She sighed, enjoyed the feeling of his strong hand cradling her own. It felt more right than anything else she had ever experienced. There was a swishing noise coming from where he was standing, and a loud thud as something hit the ground. Were those his tentacles? She wished she could see them.

  His thumb gently rubbed the back of her hand and she glanced down. All she saw was her hand clutching air.

  “I want to see it, Sam. I don’t want to just feel like I’m grabbing at nothing,” Kate pleaded.

  It was a moment before he replied, but at least he didn’t ignore her this time. When he finally spoke, his voice was full of awe.

  “Okay.”

  As she watched, his hand became visible to her. It was a quick change; all she had to do was blink and there was a hand holding hers It was the same color as her own golden skin, just like he had been when she spied on him in the barn.

  Was that his natural skin tone? She didn’t want to scare him away by asking.

  His hand was much larger than her own, though she had already felt as much. It swallowed her hand. She was surprised by how much the primal side of her liked the look of it.

  The skin on his hand looked completely normal, just like any other man’s. She traced it with her eyes, following it up to his arm. His forearm was thick, the muscle tense and bulging. It was hot and she was greedy. She wanted to see more of him. But unfortunately, his golden skin disappeared right at about where his elbow should be. From there up, he was just the same old camouflaged Sam.

  “Sam,” she whispered again, as she soaked in the warmth from his hand. “Is that why you don’t want me to see you in the snow? You don’t want me to see the indent that your tentacles make?”

  His hand was immediately tense around her own. The swishing that was coming from the floor stopped and the room fell silent. His thumb stopped rubbing her hand as his grip on her loosened. One question and he was pulling away.

  “Please, you don’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed. You can’t hide it from me Sam, I’ve already seen it in the snow,” Kate said.

  All the frustration from the past week was boiling inside of her threatening to spill over. She was so tired of trying not to step on his proverbial toes. She felt like she was going to explode.

  “I’m staring at it right now! And I’m not running away or screaming or looking at you in disgust. Did you think I didn’t know that you had them? I’ve known since that first day when I saw you in the living room. And I’ve let you pretend for the last week that you don’t have them because I didn’t want to scare you away. I know you have tentacles. Tentacles. See, I said it again. You don’t have legs, you have tentacles. I can’t keep pretending that you don’t have them, just because you want me to. I’ve seen them and I’ve felt them and I don’t care. I don’t just like you despite them. I just like you! The whole package, tentacles included.

  “So please, Sam. It’s not just that I want to see you. Because don’t get me wrong, I really do. But it hurts me that you won’t show yourself to me. Like you don’t trust me enough to let me see you. And I guess we haven’t really known each other that long, so it shouldn’t matter this much to me. Except that it does. It does because I trust you. For whatever stupid reason, I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before. Hell, I’m living in the middle of nowhere with you! I’ve gone against all common sense and stayed with you here. If that doesn’t show my trust, then I don’t know what else will. But I guess you don’t feel the same. You don’t trust me.”

  Tears clouded her vision, threatening to spill over. What did it matter if she couldn’t see? It’s not like she could see Sam anyways.

  She didn’t even try to fight the tears. It was finally time to embrace her self-pity. It was exhausting trying to be strong.

  Why did this always happen to me with men? I give myself whole-heartedly, and all they ever do is take. I can’t believe I thought that Sam might be different. He’s just like Eric. They were both just using me without having to give anything back.

  “Kate, please,” Sam said, his voice breaking on her name. “Please don’t cry.”

  His pleading only made her cry harder. The swishing noise was back, and there were several thuds as invisible things hit the hardwood.

  Even now, his tentacles were so obviously making noise. She knew that they were there, yet he still wouldn’t show them to her.

  “You’re right, okay?” Sam said. “I am ashamed of them. I hate the way I look. I hate that I can’t just be human and normal. I hate that I have to spend my whole life trapped on this fucking property! And I hate myself for not being able to be a human man for you. Because that’s what you deserve.

  “John was always good to me and he did his best to give me a good life. And I always thought that I would have to spend the rest of it in isolation with him or Michael. I never imagined anything as good as you coming into my life. You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Just you being here, staying here, has given me more hope than you could imagine. And I don’t want to do anything that could spoil it.

  “But I also know that you deserve so much better. You are so beautiful and so full of life. Why should you spend it in the middle of nowhere with some freak? That’s what I am, Kate. I’m a freak. Maybe not amongst my people, but it’s been fifteen years since I’ve been around other Krakens. It might as well have been another lifetime. Here, I’m a monster. A freak of nature. Even if you accepted the way I look, even if you accepted me, I could never give you the life that you deserve.

  “Before you, I had never even let myself hope that a woman could accept me. You, Kate, you’ve given me so much hope. If I really believed that that was true, that you could look at all of me and still like me, still want to be with me, then I’m afraid that I might never be able to let you go.

  “Please don’t think that I don’t trust you, because of course I do. This has nothing to do with trust. I’m trying my fucking hardest here to not be completely selfish. It would be easier if you just treated me like the monster I am. But you haven’t, which makes me trust you when you say that you really don’t care what I look like. Hearing you say that you like me, that you like being here with me...fuck Kate, I’m too selfish. I’m never going to be able to let you go if you see me and still want to stay. I would never be able to find anyone else like you. You’re it for me. You’re the only chance I have.”

  Chapter 10

  It’s a miracle that Kate could hear Sam over the pounding in her ears. Her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest. Emotions that she had never felt before, ones that she couldn’t even begin to describe, flooded her system.

  She was still crying, but not for the same reasons as before. She was so overcome by his profession that she couldn’t contain her feelings.

  There was so much buried in what Sam had just said, more than she could process right now. His isolation, his loneliness, his overwhelming need for acceptance and love. Even the fact that he had finally put a name to what he was. Sam wasn’t a human, he was Kraken.

  Kate already knew what her answer was. She knew it the moment she had first looked into his depthless blue eyes. She wanted Sam. Not just for sex, not just for one time. She wanted everything from him.

  Kate wanted nothing more than to be Sam’s. She wanted him to be selfish and to never let her go.

  Then never let me go.

  It was on the tip of her tongue.

  But she couldn’t get it out.

  Something in the back of her mind was nagging at her. There was something about what he had just said that didn’t seem quite right.

  The way he spoke about her...Kate c
ould have been replaced with anyone. The thing he found so special about her was that she hadn’t run away screaming. Would anyone who fit that criteria work for Sam?

  It sounded like all he really wanted was someone who accepted him.

  As much as it hurt, she understood it. She got it, she really did. Sam was twenty-something years old and had never been with a woman. Not just that, he had never been in any kind of proximity with one either. If she were in his position, she wouldn’t be picky either. But Sam was setting the bar low. Would he take any woman that didn’t mind looking at him?

  She wanted Sam too much to be okay with that.

  For the first time in Kate’s life, she felt like she was worth more than that. She was worth more than just being a warm body, or the daydream of any woman. She needed Sam to want her, not just the idea of a partner. She needed him to want her, Kate, as much as she wanted him.

  It was impossible to meet his eyes when she finally spoke. Instead, she turned around and walked back to the hearth. She picked up her blanket where she had dropped it and wrapped it around her shoulders again. Tears rolled off her face and onto the soft material where they were immediately absorbed.

  “If you’re going to be doing all the chores, then you have to let me make you lunch and dinner. It’s the least I can do if you’re going to do all the hard work while I stay inside and relax,” Kate said. She couldn’t even feign sincerity, her words coming out quiet and flat.

  Sam was quiet too. So quiet that she wasn’t even sure if he was still in the room. If he was feeling at least half of the things she was, then she wouldn’t be surprised if he couldn’t stay. Rejecting him tore her apart inside. She couldn’t even imagine what it was doing to him.

  After a lifetime, Sam finally spoke. His tone was an echo of her own.

  “You don’t have to worry about it, just enjoy your day off.”

  She heard shuffling behind her and the creak of the back door as it opened. A gust of freezing air blew in, poetically matching the atmosphere of the room.

  She huddled closer to the fire, wishing he would just close the door already. But she didn’t wish for him to leave. She wanted him to close the door and do something to make her feel better. How hard was it to say something that could make her feel like he wasn’t just using her as Eric had? That’s all she needed from him.

  But he still didn’t speak.

  The door was open, so he must still be there. It really pissed her off that he was standing there not saying anything. She didn’t want to be understanding, she just wanted to be mad.

  So of course she couldn’t just let him leave. Maybe it was immature, but she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “So Kraken’s don’t eat, or do you just not eat? Or maybe you think my cooking is disgusting because you’ve turned me down every day since we met.”

  “I’m not like you, remember? I can’t eat most of the foods that you do. My digestive system wasn’t made for it. On my home world, on Pangeria, Kraken’s only eat raw fish. That’s really all I can eat here too. The lake is well stocked, and I have no problem getting my meals from it. I-I need to go now. I’ll see you later.”

  The door slammed shut.

  Even with the snowy breeze gone and the fire raging, it took a long time for Kate to get warm again.

  Chapter 11

  Things were weird after that.

  After their fight, it was impossible to tell how she stood with Sam. In her experience, men did not take rejection well. She could only guess how that might be amplified getting rejected by a woman for the very first time.

  Her heart ached for Sam. All day she had to fight the temptation to find him and make things right. She was dying to tell him that it was okay, that she was his. She knew that being with Sam would be life-changing; even just holding his hand was better than several of her previous sexual experiences. But then her mind would replay the last few words he had said.

  “I’m never going to be able to let you go if you see me and still want to stay. I would never be able to find anyone else like you. You’re it for me. You’re the only chance I have.”

  She couldn’t stop thinking that he only wanted her to stay because she was cool with the way he looked. It sounded like he would settle for her because she didn’t retch at the sight of him. He was setting the bar low and it really hurt. It felt like she had been punched in the gut.

  What did Sam really think of her? Did he find her attractive at all? Did he like spending time with her? Or was he willing to settle for anyone because he was just worried about missing out on his only chance of getting laid?

  It was a big hit to her already low self-esteem. Kate had settled for a lot of guys in her life, Eric being just the tip of the iceberg. She put up with a lot of shit from those guys because at the time she had thought that it was better than being alone.

  Sam was the first guy that she wasn’t settling for, and it was empowering. He made her feel good about herself. He made her feel like she deserved better than her previous boyfriends. That was, of course, before he made his big profession. Now she realized that there really was something worse than being single: being the person that someone else settled for.

  She held onto the hurt and anger because it was the only thing stopping her from running to him.

  She sat around for most of the day while Sam did the chores. After a week of spending almost every waking moment together, Kate was incredibly lonely by herself. She kept looking over her shoulder thinking that she would find his eyes staring at her, but he was never there. She spent most of the day watching the clock and wondering how long it would take Sam to finish the chores.

  At some point, she concluded that space from Sam was a good thing. She needed some time to figure out how she was feeling and to decide what she would do.

  Instead of staying in the living room, she decided to hang out in the home theater for the rest of the day.

  Kate put on movie after movie, trying to keep her mind occupied. It was impossible when all her mind wanted to do was replay Sam’s words.

  She spent the rest of the day in the home theater and eventually fell asleep on one of the couches.

  ∞∞∞

  Kate wasn’t sure how snow normally worked, but she hadn't expected it to hang around for as long as it did.

  The first morning after their fight, she had been shocked to find that the snow was still there. She took her time showering and getting dressed that morning, trying to put off seeing Sam for as long as possible. Once she went downstairs, she realized that all of her anxiety was for nothing.

  Just like the morning before, a fire was blazing in the hearth. Except for this time, Sam was nowhere to be found.

  Was he avoiding her or was he back to his normal routine?

  When she went into the kitchen, her eyes immediately fell on the two flowers on the counter.

  Her heart warmed when she saw them. She loved getting his flowers every morning. Kate hadn’t realized until seeing them that she had been worried they wouldn’t be there.

  She walked closer to examine them, wishing she knew what they were called.

  When she got closer to the counter, Kate realized that they were placed on top of a note.

  Good morning. I thought you might enjoy some more time off, at least until the snow passes. Don’t worry, I’ll handle the chores.

  Yours,

  Sam

  The snow didn’t pass that day or the one after that. It hung around for another two weeks before showing any signs of melting. Some nights, it even snowed more. By the end of it, Kate was more depressed than she had been in a long time.

  Sitting inside all day for two weeks was horribly lonely and boring. Especially when she thought about how much fun she had had with Sam. It should be completely irrational for Kate to miss him as much as she did, but she couldn’t help the way she felt. It was even worse knowing that there was a simple way to fix all of this. But was compromising her self-worth simple?

  After that first day,
she found that she didn’t just miss Sam. She missed the barn, the animals, the forest, the lake, and the hard, rewarding work of laboring outside.

  There were several times over the next two weeks where she strapped on her boots, put on her coat, and headed to the backdoor. But every time, her eyes would fall on the snow on the back porch. The perfect white coating of snow was gone. It had been ruined by countless depressions of Sam’s tentacles as he came and went from the house.

  Was she giving into Sam if she went outside? Or was she enabling him by staying in here?

  She always chickened out at the last second. There were a lot of things that she wanted to say to Sam and she just wasn’t ready to have that conversation yet.

  It seemed like he wasn’t ready to either. She could hear him moving around the house every evening. When she woke up early enough, she could hear him in the mornings too. That seemed to be every morning now because she was having a horrible time sleeping. Before this, she had never had any trouble falling or staying asleep. Now it felt like all she did in bed was toss and turn.

  On the fourth night, Kate completely gave up on the idea of sleep. It was about three in the morning when she tiptoed downstairs to get some water. The main floor was eerily quiet. It was late enough that the fire had died from last night and early enough that Sam hadn’t made a new one yet.

  Did that mean that he was asleep?

  The thought was so tempting that it overwhelmed her thirst. Instead of heading towards the kitchen, she took a left down his hallway.

  Ever so carefully, she tested the door knob. His door was closed, but it wasn’t locked. She paused long enough to ask herself if she should really be doing this.

  What if Sam caught her? What would he do?

  But by this point, she missed him so much that she didn’t even care.

  She ever so slowly pushed the door open just wide enough to peek her head in. Moonlight shone in through his back window, illuminating his over-sized bed. Not just his bed, but Sam too.