Next Time

by Alexander, Robin

  Shelly scrubbed at her face, sniffed her hands, and huffed. “Let’s talk about something else. I feel myself getting really pissed off all over again. What’ve you been up to lately?”

  “Work, that’s about it.”

  “I don’t know how you do it. There’s no way I could be cooped up in a room with someone else’s kids. I love my boys, but there are days I could just slap the freckles off of them.”

  “Because I get to leave my kids at the end of the day,” Ryann said as she stared at Anya’s sleeping face. “Oh, my God, but they start off precious, don’t they?”

  “Uh-huh, but at four in the morning when they’re screaming their heads off, not so cute.” After a moment or two of silence, Shelly said, “I’m not happy that my kitchen is scorched, but it is nice to be able to talk alone. I’ve been wanting to ask what’s wrong with you.”

  Ryann looked at her in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  Shelly gazed at Ryann, studying her face and eyes. “Maybe you haven’t noticed that you’ve changed. You used to be silly, we’d laugh at the dumbest things. Now you’re just blah.”

  “Are you saying I’m boring?”

  “No, you’re not yourself. You haven’t been for the past year, maybe longer.”

  Ryann looked away. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

  “My life is chaotic. I start thinking about you right before I fall asleep at night, and I think to call you, but I know you’re already asleep. You’re just not yourself. If I changed like that, you’d be all up in my face demanding to know what’s going on.”

  “Yeah, if you were suddenly at peace, I’d wonder if you were on drugs,” Ryann said with a laugh.

  Shelly smiled, but the joke didn’t throw her off topic. She continued to gaze at Ryann, as though she were trying to read her mind. “I gripe to you about Evan and the kids all the time. You vent to me about work, teachers that get on your nerves, and the audacity of the grocery store to put stickers on the vegetables. You never talk about Leigh, though. I know you’re both human, and it isn’t all roses and chocolate hearts over here.”

  Ryann held her stare for a moment. “It is stupid to put stickers on vegetables and fruit. They don’t scan them at the register, and any fool knows what an apple is.”

  “Ryann, come off of it.”

  “I don’t like to talk about my relationship. Mom, Joan, and Paula don’t consider it as something real because I don’t have a marriage license.”

  “You’re not talking to them, you’re talking to me, and that’s a lame excuse. You’ve confided in me with everything but this. That’s how I know that something’s going on over here, and you’re not happy.”

  Ryann stared down at Anya’s little pink toes and debated whether or not to let it all just tumble out. Once she verbally acknowledged what was inside, she knew it would set change in motion, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to make that step yet. She knew that Shelly would be open-minded, but perhaps not as patient as she was.

  “If I talk to you about this, it stays with us, and it is mine to deal with how I see fit. You have to swear to me that you won’t do or say anything without my say-so.”

  Shelly let out a long breath. “I wish I wasn’t nursing and you had tequila because I sense I won’t like what I hear.”

  “Regardless, you have to give me your word. If you want me to confide, those are my terms.”

  “I can make that promise as long as you swear you’re not about to tell me about any physical abuse.”

  “You know me better than that,” Ryann said with an edge. “Do you honestly think I’d let someone hit me?”

  Shelly shrugged. “You could be beating her ass for all I know.”

  “There’s nothing like that going on.”

  “You have my word,” Shelly said resolutely.

  As the words passed Ryann’s lips, she felt a mixture of relief and resignation. “You’re right, I’m not happy. The entire time Leigh and I have been together, we’ve been repeating a pattern, and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can’t rally. I—somebody’s awake.”

  “Of course she is because you were just about to say something interesting.” Shelly held her arms out when Anya began to fuss. She stuck a finger into Anya’s diaper and nodded. “She’s clean, that means she’s hungry.”

  Ryann watched as Shelly unbuttoned her shirt. “You didn’t even put on a bra?”

  “There was no time! Sirens were going off. I took the baby and ran.” Shelly settled Anya onto a breast and sighed. “It’s a good damn thing I’m packing my own dairy. Continue.”

  “Does that hurt?”

  “Not anymore. I’ve had three kids, my nipples are like leather, and when I’m done nursing her, these poor overworked girls are going into retirement, or what’s left of them. Now go on. I want to know about the pattern.”

  Ryann blew out a sigh. “We’d been together for about a year, and she just withdrew. There was no intimacy, and at times, I felt like she resented me. I asked if I’d done something to hurt her, and she’d say no, and that was all I could get out of her. This lasted for like a month, and I thought, ‘Okay, we’re done.’ I started to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for a breakup. As my distance grew, she came back, and she was her old self.”

  “So you have no idea what caused this withdrawal?”

  “I didn’t know then, and I still don’t. The first time I thought it was her adjusting to us living together because we’d just moved into this place. The following year almost about the same time, she did it again. She became really short with me. When I talked to her, she acted like she really didn’t care what I had to say. That time, I really pushed her for an answer, and she said it was just stress and she’d gotten stuck in an emotional rut. Even after she admitted that, she was still distant, and I was so wrapped around her finger I decided to wait it out. But I got to the point again where I began to accept that we were through, and that’s when she came right back. It made me feel like she only wanted me when I got to that point. Like, ‘Oh, crap, she’s gonna leave, I better reel her back in.’”

  “And you put up with this?” Shelly asked with her brow raised. “That’s not your style.”

  Ryann clamped her lips together tightly and stared at the ground. “No, it isn’t, or it didn’t used to be, but I’ve been going through this pattern with her for years. She’s insecure about a lot of things and extremely jealous. If I spend time with anyone but you, it makes her angry. I went to a movie with our mutual friends who were a couple a while back, and Leigh actually asked me if we had a threesome.”

  “You’ve been together for eight years!” Shelly nearly shouted and upset Anya. After she got the baby settled again, she stared at Ryann, her eyes wide and angry. “Tell me why you stay.”

  “Because I love her…or I did…I do. The other side of her, the one I met and fell in love with is what keeps me hanging on. Now…I can’t get the part of me that responded to that side back. Here I stand at the crossroads.”

  “Take the path she isn’t on,” Shelly said impatiently.

  Ryann leaned her head back and stared up into the trees. “This is the other reason I don’t talk to you about this, I’m embarrassed. It’s shameful to me to admit that I’ve been on this merry-go-round, and I haven’t had the sense or the courage to get off.”

  “Have some self-respect, woman.”

  “Just like you and Evan, I’ve built a life with her. Could you just pack a bag and easily walk away if you were in my shoes?”

  “You’re asking me that today? I wanna go home and pack his bag, and if he wouldn’t leave, I’d run him off with pepper spray, maybe a flame thrower.”

  Neither of them said anything for a few minutes as Shelly’s temper cooled.

  “Is it financial?” Shelly asked calmly. “I could help you.”

  “I can afford to live on my own. Not in this house, but somewhere else.” Ryann sighed. “This is just something I need to sort out for myself.
I met a woman—”

  “Oh, my God, how much more can you complicate your life? You’re not even done with this one.”

  Ryann exhaled loudly and glared at Shelly. “As I was saying, I met a woman a couple of months ago. She’s the best friend of Melanie’s new girlfriend, Jana. We talked the night those two got together for the first time. She made a comment about her ex never self-analyzing. She didn’t contemplate why she did the things she did. Leigh doesn’t, either. She just reacts to things and goes on.”

  “Or if she does look inside herself, she’ll never tell you what she finds.”

  “That’s what I want. I want to be with someone who knows who they are, the good and the bad. I’d like to tell someone who I am and be heard. I’d like to be able to confide in someone about what I think my shortcomings are. Whatever is wrong, I want to work through it together. Basically, I crave the bond I don’t have and come to accept that I never will with Leigh.”

  Shelly shrugged. “I tell Evan who he is, and he tells me who I am. I call him a jackass, and he calls me a nag. Today, I called him a dumb dickhead…I feel bad about that now. I’m still mad, but I regret that,” she said as she put Anya on her shoulder and patted her back. “So what happens if she comes home tonight and she’s the woman you fell in love with?”

  “She might. The problem is, I’m not the woman she met eight years ago.” Ryann wrapped her arms around herself. “We’re strangers now, and for the first time in eight years, I don’t care. I think we may be finished.”

  Chapter 3

  September 2011

  “Lydia seems nice,” Jana said as she prepped chicken to go onto the grill.

  “Yeah, she—”

  “I’m gonna ask Melanie to move in with me. I’m gonna do it tonight after everyone leaves.”

  Payton missed her finger by a hair with the knife she was using to cut a bell pepper. She set it aside and stared at the back of Jana’s head. “Seriously?”

  Jana stilled and stared out the window at the people gathered in her backyard. “She’s here all the time…and I like it. Tell me it’s a good idea.”

  “No.”

  Jana whirled around. “Payton, you’re my voice of reason, don’t screw with me. I love her, I’m happy, we’ve been together for eight months. This is the most logical next step…right?”

  “It’s just that you sound so undecided about the cohabitation thing. If you have doubts, you should wait. What’s your biggest fear?”

  “That she’ll say no.”

  Payton laughed and shook her head. “That’s it?”

  “Well, her cat hates me, but he’s going to therapy to work through his anger issues.”

  Payton bit her lip to keep from laughing because Jana was dead serious. She imagined a cat lying on a couch, his paws behind his head meowing and growling as the therapist made notes. “Anything else?”

  “No, that’s it. I want to share my life with her.”

  “Okay,” Payton said with a smile. “If this is your decision and you’re not being pressured to make it, then I’m behind you one hundred percent.”

  Jana closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Payton. “Thank you.” She pulled away and gazed at Payton with a cheeky grin. “So getting back to Lydia. How’s it going?”

  Payton had met Lydia when she did some freelance work. What she found appealing was that Lydia sounded like she had a dozen different people inside of her as she did the voice work for a new animated show. The appeal had begun to wane, though, because they could not have a serious conversation without Lydia lapsing into character.

  “I’m not sure. Don’t get attached just yet. This morning, I had breakfast with Steffie the Squirrel, which was kind of annoying. Lydia’s practicing for some voice work she has to do on Monday morning. I’ve asked her not to do the squirrel while we’re at your party.”

  “Please tell me she doesn’t go into character when you’re having sex.”

  Payton closed her eyes and tried to block “Well, hello, Ms. Beaver” spoken in a cartoon voice from her mind and failed. “Like I said, don’t get too attached.”

  Jana’s jaw sagged, and Payton could tell she was about to completely lose it. She steeled herself for the forthcoming jokes, but a knock on the front door spared her the humiliation. She went back to work on the bell pepper and tried to choke down her embarrassment. The truth was that after that weekend, she planned to let Lydia and her cadre of characters gently go.

  “I know you!” Payton glanced up upon hearing the familiar voice.

  Ryann, clad in a sleeveless shirt and a pair of shorts, stood just inside the kitchen doorway with a very athletic blonde next to her. Payton smiled at them both. “Hey, Ryann, good to see you again.” She wiped her hands on a towel and put her hand out to Ryann’s partner. “You must be Leigh.”

  “I am,” she replied coolly, and her handshake was like steel. She held Payton’s hand a little longer than normal in a vise grip as their gazes met.

  Payton felt like she was being given a not-so-subtle warning but continued to smile for the sake of Jana’s party. “Ryann had nothing but great things to say about you the night we were on wingwoman duty. I’m glad I have this opportunity to meet you.”

  Melanie strode through the back door beaming and pulled Ryann and Leigh into a group hug. “It’s about time I got to see you two. I feel like it’s been years.”

  “I’ve been working a lot, sorry,” Leigh said in a completely different tone of voice from the one she used with Payton.

  “Come outside, I want you to meet the rest of Jana’s friends. You’ll love them,” Melanie said as she dragged the pair out the door.

  Jana followed, and Payton remained behind with her bell pepper. She and Melanie got along okay, but Payton realized that Melanie favored Jana’s friends who were coupled. Jana never said so, but the few times they did anything alone together, Payton got the impression that Melanie wasn’t happy about not being included. Payton tried to be considerate of the new relationship, but there were times she just wanted to have her best friend to herself.

  “Oh, no,” Payton said with a wave. “I’ll just stay in here and make the salad. I’m happiest when I’m in the kitchen. Fresh drinks, anyone? Later, I’ll mop the floor.”

  “Hey, are you packing nuts in that bra, or are you just happy to see me?”

  Payton frowned at Lydia as she darkened the doorstep. “I know I asked you not to use that voice.”

  *******

  Ryann listened to the conversation between Leigh and Melanie, sometimes nodding at things they said, but her interest was elsewhere. Payton, Lydia, and Jana were seated on the other end of the table and talked to a couple whose names Ryann couldn’t remember. Ryann willed herself not to stare at Payton; instead, she gazed at the trees that shaded the entire backyard, the dog next door that paced along the fence hoping for a treat to be thrown his way, the hummingbirds visiting the feeder hanging from the arbor that covered the patio. Eventually, she glanced at the other end of the table and caught Payton’s eye. Payton smiled, then returned her attention to Lydia, who was speaking in a strange voice.

  Over the years with Leigh, Ryann had developed what she considered innocent crushes on women she knew she was safe in admiring from afar. Women she knew she could never have—actresses, married women, the anchor on the morning news show, all untouchable and safe. Payton was different, though. She was real and accessible, and Ryann knew if she spent time mulling the odd feeling of familiarity in Payton’s presence, temptation to explore it might occur.

  Still, she sat there stealing glimpses. Payton’s hair had grown out some. The part that had been shaved was hidden by the longer top that fell in waves just past her jaw. The change gave Payton a softer look. Ryann noted how pretty her blue eyes were and realized that their gazes had found each other again. She felt a twinge in the pit of her stomach and looked away, thinking it would be best to keep her distance from Payton, knowing that she couldn’t.


  *******

  Lydia might’ve been a few acorns shy of a load, but she was one hell of a volleyball player. Payton watched with satisfaction as Lydia spiked a ball Leigh couldn’t return. “In your face, Lady Thor,” she whispered as someone took the seat beside her.

  “Not into volleyball?” Ryann asked with a smile.

  “Love it, but I ate way too much. Jana’s barbecue chicken is a weakness. Can we just get something out of the way?”

  Ryann gazed at her curiously before saying, “Sure.”

  “Is Leigh the jealous type?”

  Ryann pursed her lips and nodded. “That’s one of the things we’re working on. Can I ask you if Lydia’s on drugs?”

  “Of that, I’m not certain. In her defense, she does a lot of character voices, and I think she gets a little confused. She’s really talented and in demand, so she works a lot. I think she’s having a problem with the off switch if you know what I mean.”

  “I met Steffie the Squirrel and a very soft-spoken raccoon, but I forgot its name. Who exactly are you dating?”

  Payton stared at Lydia as she bounced from foot to foot in anticipation of the next serve. She was agile, athletic, and strong as an ox; her energy was boundless when it came to sex. She had a sexy pair of bedroom eyes, desire always seemed to be lurking in their depths. Physically, she was Payton’s dream girl.

  Payton scrubbed at her face and sighed. “I think it’s the damned squirrel.”

  “An inter-species relationship, how exotic,” Ryann said with a laugh. “Does she—”

  “Don’t go there.” Payton held up a finger. “New topic. It’s good to see you. I kept thinking our paths would cross again, but every time Jana and Melanie had one of their get-togethers, you never showed.”

  “That would fall into the jealousy issue category. Leigh doesn’t like it when I go to parties without her, and she’s been working a lot lately. The company she works for merged two divisions together after the first of the year, and there have been a few demotions and layoffs. Leigh feels like her job may be in jeopardy if she doesn’t prove herself. They produce a lot of equipment used in the petrochemical industry, and that’s still a very male-dominated field. She’s putting in extra hours to show she can get the job done.”