An Accidental Pirate, The Adventures of Captain Pigtail McQueue

by J.A. Sprouls

  Chapter 6

  It was about that time that Tally starts yelling from the crow's nest. Lark and Pill looked up to see Tally hanging out of basket and waving his arms. Wicket started up the ladder to the crow's nest to see what Tally was hollering about and Lark and Pill got up to look over the side of the ship. Sure enough there was this little bit of a stick running full steam towards the ship.

  "I guess he got his answer from the Wind Hag," Lark said.

  "I guess so. I also guess we're not gonna get the chance to play anymore for right now. I was hoping it would take a long time for him to find the Wind Hag."

  "The Wind Hag is pretty punctual, for a hag that is. Most hags just don't give a darn about being on time for anything. We had a hag travel with us once on our wagon train. She was always the last in line and last to be ready to leave. Dad got kinda ticked about her being so darn slow but he just couldn't get her to move any faster." Lark explained.

  Wicket and Tally came down from the crow's nest and headed to the railing. They grabbed the rope ladder and tossed it over the side. After they got it thrown over the side they looked over the railing to see this little piece of stick sprawled on the ground with the rope ladder on top of it.

  "Well, now you've gone and done it. You broke the stick man." Wicket accused Tally.

  "Me! We both threw it overboard so we are both guilty of breaking him. So don't try blaming it all on me, it ain't my fault. We should share the blame equally."

  "Tally, I'm older and wiser than you and I know for a fact that two people can't take the blame for something. It has to be one person and since you're stronger than me and had a greater share of the ladder when we threw it over, then you should be the one to take the blame." Wicket tried to explain to his friend.

  "What about that saying - It takes two? So if it takes two, then there are two of us, so the two of us should take the blame. And I don't see how my being stronger than you makes a hoot of difference. I just think you don't want to get into trouble with the Captain. So you're trying to pawn the blame off on me and that ain't the least bit fair."

  "Hey, guys, I think Piteque is alive." Pill said as she stuck her head over the railing.

  "Well, now that is a stupid thing for you to be saying, Pill. If Lark was the one to say it then that would make a lot more sense but coming from a boy then that is just plain stupid."

  Pill looked at them with a confused quizzical look on her face. "Just what did you think I just said?" She asked Tally and Wicket.

  "That pedicures are alive. And of course, pedicures are very popular but it's mainly for high society and most importantly, for women. Guys don't get pedicures. They have standards, you know," Wicket explained, though he didn't see the reason for having to explain it to them. After all, it was more than obvious what Pill had said and she had been the one to say it in the first place.

  "Piteque, not pedicure, that's what I said and it happens to be the name of the Knarl." Pill told them.

  "Are you sure you didn't say pedicure, 'cause it certainly sounded like it to me. But I suppose that it makes more sense for you to have used the stick guy's name rather the start talking about pedicures outta the blue like that." Wicket said.

  "How the heck do you know about pedicures in the first place? You ain't no society person and you're sure as heck ain't no dame. So how would you even know about something like that?"

  "I'm a well-read man. I like to broaden my horizons and I do so by reading anything I can find to read. Once I found a book and it talked about all sorts of manners and things and they mentioned pedicures, so that's how I know about them. Is that all or do you have any other questions, mister nosey?" Wicket said a bit defensively.

  "I didn't know you could read. Now why the heck didn't you ever mention that you could read? I mean, that's the kind of thing a friend needs to know about their friends."

  "I didn't want you to think I was uppity and all, since I could read and you can't" Wicket explained.

  "Who says I can't read? It may surprise you just what I can and can't do."

  "GUYS!!!! I think we need to go down there and get Piteque up and to the captain. And I think we should do it now while he is a bit out of it so he can't take off scared, thinking we were attacking him with rope ladders." Pill tried to stop the fight before got into full swing.

  "Right,. Now you're talking, Pill. Tally, you go get the little stick and bring it up here," Wicket ordered Tally.

  "Why should I be the one to go and get him? You were the one who ordered me to help you throw the rope so I think you should be the one to go and get it."

  "I'm not the strongest one here; I thought we had established that fact. So we need a strong person who can handle climbing up the rope with a lifeless form. So that would be you."

  "It's a stinking stick, how does it require any bit of strength to carry a little piece of stick up a ladder?" Tally asked.

  "It may wake up while you're carrying it up and start to struggle and that would require someone who is strong to keep a hold on him. We wouldn't want him injuring himself, now would we?" Wicket tried to explain the obvious to Tally.

  "Well, it wouldn't have been hurt in the first place if you had watched where we were throwing the rope ladder. I think that makes it your responsibility to go and get him. After all, you are the brains, I'm just the brawn." Tally was a little smug when he said this because he had always valued strength over brains. Of course, that could be because he wasn't the swiftest boat in the fleet.

  While Tally and Wicket tried to decide who deserved to go over the railing and rescue Piteque, Pill decided to take the matter into her own hands. She climbed over the railing and got to Piteque and gently picked him up. She then headed back up the rope ladder cradling the stick man in her arms. Lark was waiting for her at the railing and when Pill got to the top Lark took Piteque from her arms so Pill could climb safely back on board.

  "I'm telling you that as the smart one I know that you would be the better man to do this. It takes a special man to go get an injured being and then climb up a rope ladder with the injured party in his arms. It's a compliment, you should be thrilled that I think so highly of you," Wicket said in exasperation.

  "Yeah, right, if it's such an honor then why don't you go and do it yourself. I'll tell you why you don't want to do it; it's because you know it's a stupid job and whoever hurts the stick any further is gonna get it from the captain. And so you want me to go so you won't get into any more trouble. After all, you were the one who said to throw the rope ladder down and hit the poor thing." Tally was starting to yell now.

  Pill was getting irritated with the both of them and had had enough. So she decided to take the matter into her own hands, "Enough, you two! It's over with. I went and got Piteque. See he's lying here on the deck so stop arguing and help me and Lark try to revive him. We can't take him in to see the captain with him being knocked out."

  "Well, now see what you've done. You've gone and made Pill mad at us. He's the one and only one who happens to be our friend. Pill's not gonna want to stay friends with us if we keep making him mad at us, now is he?" Tally told Wicket. Lark smiled at Pill at each mention of Pill being a him.

  "Me!? It wasn't my fault you wouldn't listen to me when I asked you to go and get the little stick fella. That was your doing. And you're standing there arguing about it hasn't helped a bit. All you had to do is go down there and grab the fella, but noooo, you stood there questioning my decision about sending you down there." Wicket felt the need to defend himself.

  "Guys, could you please place the blame later and get me some water to revive Piteque."

  As soon as she said this Piteque roused just a little bit and seemed to be saying something. But his voice was weak and they all had to crouch down low over Piteque in order to hear what he was saying.

  "Honey." Piteque said in almost a whisper.

  "How's about that, he's taken a liking to you, Tally, and thinks you're his sweetie. Give him a kiss and I bet that wil
l make things all better," Wicket teased Tally.

  "Me? Who said he was talking to me, I think he was talking to you. You're the one he's sweet on, not me. So you can pucker up and lay a big old wet one on him," Tally said.

  "Aw for crying out loud. I said 'Honey' as in honey, the food! I want honey that's what's gonna make me feel better, so stop talking about kissing me, 'cause I don't want either of your lips touching me in any way, shape or form! And if one of you tries to kiss me I'll sock ya right in the kisser!" Piteque was sitting up; his hands on his hips and a very defiant look on his tiny face.

  "I'm thinking that he's feeling so much better that he doesn't even need the honey to revive him anymore, isn't that what you're thinking, Pill?" Lark asked.

  "Yes, I'm definitely thinking that is the case. So I guess we'll take you in to see the captain now and you can tell him what the Wind Hag said." Pill agreed with Lark.

  "Come on, just a little bit of honey to give me the strength to talk to the captain?" Piteque begged.

  "Okay, I'll give you one drop and that's it. After all, the captain said you couldn't have the honey until you talked to the Wind Hag and reported to him what she said." With that she got the jar of honey and dipped the very tip of her finger into the honey and got just enough on her finger to give him one drop.

  "A drop isn't gonna help revive me. If you give me two more drops then I won't tell the captain how these two tried to kill me by bonking my head with the ladder." He jerked his tiny branch like a thumb in Wicket's and Tally's direction. Since Pill was, in fact, their friend and she didn't want them to get into any trouble, she agreed but made Piteque promise he would say nothing about being hit by the ladder to the captain. It was only after he promised that she gave him the other two drops. Piteque smacked his lips and jumped up ready to talk to the captain. They all five went to the captain's cabin and knocked.

  Pigtail had been busy familiarizing himself with the captain quarters. He had looked in all the drawers and cabinets. Studied the maps on the table and even laid down to see just how comfortable the captain's bed was. In one drawer he had found a gun and had slipped it in his belt. He thought if he was going to be meeting a Wind Hag it might be best to be armed. Who knows what sort of protection he would need. He was busy looking at a book he had found, "How to Captain a Vessel and Live to Tell About It.' It was pretty good reading. This particular version of the book was the pirate's version so it told all sorts of things that you needed to know on how to be a pirate captain. He had just reached the part about how to gain treasure and what to do with it once you got it, when he heard a knock at his door.

  "Enter," he said in a rather gruff voice. It wasn't that he didn't want any visitors. It's just that they came just when he got to the most interesting part of the book.

  The door opened and Wicket walked in first followed by Tally, Piteque and the girls.

  "Captain, sir, you said you wanted to see the stick just as soon as he came and so here he is," Wicket announced.

  "Stick, who you callin' a stick? I'm a Knarl. There's a big difference between us and a stupid stick."

  "This isn't the time to make petty distinctions." Pigtail snapped.

  "Yes, it is," said Piteque. "How would you like it if I compared you to a cow? It wouldn't set well with you, now would it? It's the same thing. I'm not a stick. I've got a mind, and a good one at that, and I can walk and talk. A stick can't do none of those things. So there's a big difference. I'll also point out that a mere stick can't get you an audience with the Wind Hag, now can it?"

  "So you got us an audience with her? That's great! Where and when?" Pigtail asked excitedly.

  "Now calm yourself down. It ain't all that easy. You have to learn the proper etiquette before you go see her. She don't tolerate any ill-mannered slothful behavior. So y'all need to sit back and let me tell you how you are to dress and address the Wind Hag. If you do anything wrong then she will be ticked off and refuse to listen to what you have to say, got it?"

  "Yes, of course, just tell us what to do and we'll do it. Pill, can you write?" Pigtail asked.

  "Yes sir. I can read too." Pill felt it best to get all the pertinent information out.

  "Why don't ya ask Wicket if he can read too? I bet he'll tell you, seeing as to how important it is and that you're an important person, being the captain and all. It's not like you're just a friend who apparently doesn't need to have such useful information about his buddy." Tally said, still ticked about Wicket's secret.

  "I don't even want to know what that was about," Pigtail said and turned his attention back to Pill. "Okay, Pill, I want you to write down everything he says and I don't want you to miss anything. It's important that we do this just right."

  "Yes sir," Pill said as she grabbed a quill and paper.

  "Okey dokey, let's get this started." Piteque said as he rubbed his hands together. Pill thought to herself that if he did that too much he might cause enough friction to set himself on fire. A sight Pill didn't want to witness.

  "You need to wear your best clothes. I'm talking ones that have been washed and have no holes in them. If ya got anything that is blue then wear that 'cause she loves the color blue. Avoid yellow if at all possible. It reminds her too much of her sister, Sunshine. She's really jealous of Sunshine because everyone just loves her to death. They are always saying how bright and warm she is. They never say that about the Wind Hag. So she's a bit touchy about it."

  "I'd be bright and warm too if I had a name like Sunshine. I can't say that I blame the Wind Hag for not liking her. I mean, really, what sort of parent names one sister Sunshine and the other Wind Hag. It's obvious favoritism." Tally said under his breath to Wicket. Wicket nodded in agreement.

  "If you have a hat you need to wear that. Then you can remove it in a grand sweeping motion. That always impresses the Hag. But if it has a feather in it, take the feather out. She doesn't like feathers. She had this really big fit one day and let loose a humongous wind storm but unfortunately it was during the birds' molting season and all these feathers started floating around her chambers and she started to sneeze up a storm. This is the Wind Hag I'm talking about. When she sneezes up a storm, I mean an actual bonafide treacherous windstorm the likes of which you've never seen."

  "I don't know about that. Look at the storm that brought us here. That was a pretty bad one. After all, it picked up our ship from the Gulf and landed it all the way inland. So that was a pretty bad storm. And I'm betting that most folks haven't seen one that bad before." Wicket said.

  "He's got a point. It was a pretty bad storm. I've never been through one like that before." Tally added.

  "Well, this one was a lot worse than that storm, I can promise you that. So that should give you an idea about how bad it would be if you wore a feather. When you walk up to her you need to stand straight, no slouching. When you get up to her throne then you need to bow at the waist and say 'Good day, your royal haggness.'"

  Haggness, is that even a word? Are you sure I say that and not 'your highness?' I mean, that sounds a lot better to me." Pigtail inquired.

  "Nope, she likes to be called her royal haggness. So you need to call her that. Now, after you say that you stand up straight again and look her in the eyes. She doesn't like wishy washy fellas who can't look a person in the eye. So that's very important. Then you need to beg for her forgiveness for the intrusion but that you, a mere man, need her great assistance in a matter of utmost importance. That way it humbles you and makes her sound really important. She likes that. To feel important, that is." Piteque explained.

  "Do I need to bring her something, like flowers or honey?" Pigtail asked remembering what the wagon master had said about taking her flowers.

  "Flowers make her sneeze. The last fella that did that made her so mad that she sent a major dust storm his way. So no flowers."

  "I thought she sent the dust storm after him because she was sweet on him and he was trying to court another woman and not her." Pigtail said.


  "Naw, that's just what most people think because she never married. She doesn't want a human anyway. She wants a great and powerful being like herself. The problem is, there aren't too many of those out there and those that are out there avoid the Hag because she's nuttier than squirrel breath."

  "Okay, so no flowers. But is there something else that I can bring in order to get on her good side? If she likes pretty smelling things how about some perfume?"

  "Nope, she doesn't wear perfume. It messes with her sinuses. She really has a time of it come the spring storm season, what with all the pollen she kicks up with her wind storms."

  "Then why does she make the storms, if they bother her so?" Pill asked.

  "Yeah, makes sense to me that if you are allergic to pollen then you wouldn't stir up wind to make things worse." Wicket added.

  "She's the stinking Wind Hag, it's her job and no one, and I mean no one, can ever accuse her of not doing her job. She does a right good job of making wind, let me tell you." Piteque explained.

  "Still doesn't make sense." Wicket said defensively.

  "She's the Wind Hag, it don't have to make sense. She's all powerful when it comes to the wind so she does whatever she wants to do and to heck with anyone else. That's her attitude anyway."

  "I take it she's not the brightest candle in the chandelier?" Pigtail asked, wanting to know exactly what he was up against.

  "Nope, but that's only because that would lend references to her sister, Sunshine, and I've already told you how she feels about her. I think you could take her some pretty fabric that she could make a dress out of. She likes to sew. That might make her happy. But nothing …"

  "Yellow, with flowers or feathers in the pattern, right?" Pigtail finished his sentence for him.

  "You've got it. If it's blue then that should get you on her good side. Otherwise, I wouldn't bring her anything at all. She might think you're uncouth for not bringing her anything but you can tell her that where you come from they don't give presents. That should satisfy her."

  "But I don't want to offend her in any way. Tally, you and Wicket go down into the hold and see if we got any blue fabric from that last ship we attacked. If you don't see any fabric then look for something, anything that you think the Wind Hag might like and bring it up here for Piteque to look at and see if the Wind Hag might like it."

  "Yes sir," Wicket said and turned to go when he stopped and asked. "You mean something like a nice knickknack?"

  "Yes, something pretty and classy looking. We don't want to offend her with something ugly."

  "Don't see why not? The Wind Hag is ugly beyond belief." Piteque said softly. "That's not something she likes to have pointed out to her, so don't do that."

  "I don't need to be told that. I do have a modicum of common sense, you know."

  "Really? 'Cause there are a lot of humans who don't. One fella asked if that was a real mole she had. And if it was, she needed to take it to the doctor to have something done about it. She took offense to that. She likes her pet mole, Swifty, and spoils him rotten. She gives him all sorts of organic soil to dig around in, so when he insulted her mole she sent a tornado after him. She chased him all the way to Kansas with it."

  "Okay, Pill, make note that I shouldn't insult her mole, at any point."

  "After you greet her and give her whatever it is you decide to give, then you explain what you need. The shorter the story the better. She has a very short attention span. It goes with her stature. She's kinda on the small side. She'll probably come up to your belly button. So, no short jokes. In fact, don't use the word 'short' at all if you can help it. Don't even mention that you are short on time and need this favor to happen really soon. She might take offense to it." Tally thought to himself that if the Wind Hag only came up to the Captain's belly button then she must be really short because the Captain wasn't all that tall.

  "Is there anything that doesn't offend her?" Lark asked out of curiosity.

  "Nope, she's pretty much offended by everything. Offensiveness offends her too. Just try to be nice, look her in the eyes and be brief. If you do those things then you should come out of it none the worse for wear. You might even get her to do what you asked. I doubt it, but you might."

  "If you doubt that she will do what we ask of her, then why are we doing this?" Pigtail asked.

  "As far as I can tell, it's your only hope of getting back to the Gulf quickly. Otherwise it's gonna take you weeks, possibly years to make it back, if ever."

  "Great, that certainly is a sunshine and lollipops way of looking at it." Pigtail said sarcastically.

  "Don't mention Sunshine to her. I told you, she don't like her. So avoid the reference."

  "Right, gotcha, I forgot. I promise I won't do that when I'm talking with the Wind Hag." Pigtail held up his right hand like he was taking an oath when he said this.

  "So is that everything we need to know or is there something else?" Pill asked because her hand was starting to cramp. She wasn't used to writing.

  "Nope that's everything. She'll probably take a few minutes to think about what's in it for her, but then she will give you her answer. Once she answers you then you need to go, even if the answer isn't what you need or want to hear. Once she's made up her mind there ain't no changing it. End of story. So there's no use standing there and arguing with her. It'll only make her mad."

  "If we make her mad then will she create a storm that could help us get back home? Because if that's the case then I might try it if she says no." Pigtail remembered what the wagon master had said earlier.

  "Nope, that would make her mad enough to send you further inland, away from the Gulf. So I wouldn't try that if I was you."

  "Yeah, Dad did say that was a possibility too," Lark added.

  "Well, piddle. So if she says no then what do we do? We need to get back to the Gulf. What good is a ship if it's not on water?" Pigtail declared.

  "I'd get used to being here. Or you could build some sort of a transport to take you back to the Gulf by way of land. It may take a few weeks or months but that may end up being your only option." Piteque said.

  ~~~~~