Andrew laughed, “I remember telling Him once, ‘Lord, I’m doing what you are asking, just from a different position.' But even though I tried to rationalize my actions, I couldn’t get comfortable. It was like having an itch on your back – trying to ignore it didn’t help, and trying to scratch it was just as futile of an attempt. Finally, in desperation for relief, I cried out to God.”
“What were you afraid of?”
“That people would look to me for guidance and direction, and I would mess up, lead them astray.”
“So how did you overcome that fear?”
“I don’t know if I ever did.” Andrew said, resting a hip on his desk. “God trumped my excuses. I came to the realization that God wanted me to walk through life following Him, instead of looking back at Him and telling Him to follow me.”
At Nathan’s look, Andrew reached over and picked up the small plaque sitting on his desk. It was a plaque of Psalm 37:23. “Son, a righteous man’s steps are ordered by the Lord because he is placing his feet where God has already walked out a path for him.”
“I realized that I was trying to fit God’s will into my will. Not out of disobedience, but out of fear that I would disappoint God, or let Him down. God has entrusted the members in the church to me – not because of my greatness, skills or abilities.” Pointing to the wall, Andrew said, “I was just a tool in God's mighty hand. And whatever you are called to do, you will be just another tool. But if God crafted you to be a screwdriver, and you are going around hammering – well, Son, your head is going to hurt after a while.”
Nathan winced, and with a smile said, “That was not one of your best analogies.”
Andrew laughed, “I’m getting old, give your father a break.”
Nathan hugged his father. “Thanks, Dad. You always know what I need.”
“Well, you just remember that your other Dad knows even more of what you need.”
“I think He’s already shown me. I’ve just been too afraid to see it.”
Chapter Fifteen
Kristina sat at her kitchen table, attempting to grade papers, but her mind refused to stop wandering. After receiving the box, her first reaction was to grab her bags and begin packing. But, with half of her clothes thrown in her suitcase, she paused. She would not run, she would fight. This time I’m calling the shots! But even after talking with Chief Aday at the police department, who promised to work with the sheriff’s department and send a patrol car by her house regularly, she still felt on edge. It was easy to be brave when David wasn’t standing before her. Maybe it would be best to try and run.
She jumped at the sound of the door. Looking through the people hole, she was momentarily relieved to see it was only Nathan, but then apprehension overcame her. She had been avoiding him since that afternoon in his classroom, not wanting to have the conversation that she knew she needed to have. She knew the second she opened the door, their relationship was over, and her heart broke as she reached for the doorknob.
She opened the door and allowed him to enter. Before closing the door, she briefly scanned the street, and was relieved to see a patrol car parked on the other side of the street. She waved to Officer Devin, and then closed the door.
“I tried to call you,” Nathan said, his voice trailing off as he watched her lock the doors and set a newly-installed alarm system.
“Yeah,” she avoided his eyes, “I don’t think I'm going to make it on Saturday.”
After a brief pause, he said, “Oh…okay.” There was no mistaking the hurt tingeing his voice, and it sliced through her heart that she had to cause him pain. But better at her hands than David’s.
Sitting down next to her on the couch, he cupped her face gently in his hands. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine, just tired.” She pulled his hand from her face and looked away again. She could tell by the lengthy pause he didn't believe her, but was glad to have him drop the subject.
“Well, I came to discuss something important with you. Do you have time?”
She was about to put him off, but she couldn’t drag it out. The quicker he was away from her, the safer he would be. “I do, too.”
“What is it?”
His warm hand enveloped hers, and she wanted to leave it there. Instead, she pulled away and gathered up her papers. “You first.” You’re stalling, Kristina. Just get it over with.
“I wanted to tell you I’m thinking about accepting the interim pastor position at the church.”
For a brief moment, she forgot about everything, and exclaimed, “That is great!”
“I haven’t accepted it yet, because I wanted to talk with you first. If I accept it, and I feel that this is what God has called me to do, then I’ll accept the permanent position."
“Are you still unsure of taking the position?” she questioned. “You sound like you feel like it is the right thing to do."
“I’m sure the interim position is the right thing to do,” he said, “And God will show me if the permanent position will be right for me. I’m asking you, because I want to know if it is right for us.”
The meaning of his words crushed her heart. How cruel you are, God! All that she had hoped for stood in front of her, and she had to turn him away.
“Kristina, I know we have had a rocky start, but I think we have come far.” Turning her to face him, he said, “I know you still have some demons you need to wrestle with, but I want you to know that I love you.”
Emotions tumbled within her heart. Weeks ago, she struggled with whether she wanted to hear those words again. Now having heard them, she was terrified. Those words carried new promises of marriage, family….everything she longed for, but would never see fulfilled. Having the hope of being his wife, being loved for the rest of her life by this extraordinarily gentle and compassionate man, ripped from her hands, broke the dam of tears she had been holding back.
Thinking she was crying tears of joy, he bent to kiss her. If only she could just accept his kiss, accept his love, accept the promises that lay before her, and stay like this forever, securely tucked in his arms.
“Nathan,” she pulled back before his lips met her. Her voice was shaking with emotion, “I . . .” Sitting up, she brushed her hair back and looked at him. Despite her valiant efforts to gain control over her emotions, they slipped through when she said, “Nathan, you don’t know me well enough to love me.”
“Kristina…”
“No, listen to me,” she said, “I have thought I knew people before, and they have turned out to be something altogether different." She crossed her arms in front of her, and turned from him. She said in a voice barely above a whisper, “I can’t deceive you that way.”
“If you are talking about your past,” Nathan said, coming to stand behind her, “you are right, I have no idea about your past. All I know is you are afraid, whether that is something you’ve done, or something that was done to you, I don't care. I love who you are now.”
“My past is a part of who I am now,” she said, tears choking her voice. This wasn’t how she was supposed to tell him, she thought.
“Only if you let it be,” he said softly as he placed his hands lightly on her arms. Kissing her softly on the top of her head, he inhaled the sweet scent of her hair, as if this would be the last time he would do it.
“You say that now,” she said turning toward him, tears streaming unchecked down her cheeks, “You say that now, because you don't know.”
“I say that now, because I don’t care.” Cupping her face in his, he said firmly but gently, “I love your quick wit, and sweet spirit. I love your passion for you work, your love of your students and your compassion for those around you. I love the way you reached out to Leanne, and encouraged Barbara. I love the way you cry in church when I sing.” He laughed and added, “I love the way you can make others cry when you sing.”
Kristina half sniffled, half laughed at his comment.
“I love the way you use these incredibly big words when you are
angry with me, and I’m left with nothing to do or say but to go running for a dictionary. I love the way you have reached beyond your past for a God who you know is greater than it. I have watched you grow in your relationship with Him, and it thrills me more than those sweet little kisses of yours.” Brushing the tears off her cheeks with his thumbs, he gently kissed her and then continued, “If your past has made you what you are today . . . well, I love that woman."
“I need to tell you of my past. I can’t let you go on thinking you love me, when you don’t even really know me.”
“Kristina, I told you I don’t care. Whatever you say won’t change my mind. Know that,” he whispered, cradling her face in his hands. A tear rolled across the back of his hands. “Please, know that.”
“I’m not worthy of your love!” she cried, yanking his hands from her. They felt so good there; they felt so right.
Nathan sat on the couch, inviting her to sit next to him, “Then tell me, little one. What makes you so unworthy of my love?”
Instead of sitting beside him, Kristina perched on the edge of an armchair, as if ready to fly away at the slightest movement.
She lifted her chin as if in defiance to the pain she was facing. “My father was an austere and acrimonious man who believed little in the show of affections,” Her defensive dictionary was in full swing. Despite her outward show of indifference, her chin quivered slightly and her voice trembled with her suppressed emotions as she fought valiantly to tell the story.
“I watched as my mom, so full of love and compassion, worked hard for his approval. He was so harsh to her, criticizing every mistake, and failing to recognize all she did for him.” With a self-reproaching laugh, she said, “But I followed suit with my own desire to be accepted and loved. I worked hard at school, did my best to not disturb him, and helped my mom as much as possible . . .” her voice trailed off. “In his own way, I imagine he loved me and my mom. But he died . . . and I never got to hear those words.”
Brushing an errant tear, she said, “Michael moved to New York right around that time. He and I had a bond, both having lost parents so young. He helped me through that difficult time. and in some ways, provided the love that I always wanted. He was like the brother I never had."
She smiled as she spoke of Michael, and Nathan instinctively knew this was probably the only man who she probably didn’t fear. That pained his heart that this woman, with such a beautiful and sweet heart, had been forced to know such a painful childhood.
“In my senior year, I decided to go out with a young man on the football team. I was a quiet young girl, caught up in my studies, and not many guys paid attention to me.” Nathan caught the slight change in her voice. Disdain and bitterness were laced with the sadness and pain, and he was caught off guard. “I don’t know if Steve knew this and used it to his advantage, or . . .” her voice trailed off as she waved her hand in the air. "I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
“He was quite attentive to me, and of course, being starved for affection, I lapped it up. We went to the prom together, and the evening began so wonderfully. For the first time, I was surrounded by what I thought was love . . . but in the end, when I couldn’t reciprocate the kind of love he wanted . . .”
Nathan watched as she struggled to finish her story, and his heart melted as he pictured her as a beautiful young woman, heart out on her sleeve for a man who was only after one thing. It must have hurt her terribly when he dumped her because of her decision to remain pure. In her mind, she must have thought she failed to please another man.
The sound of Nathan’s cell phone chiming from his pocket interrupted the silence between them. He reached in his pocket and flipped the phone open to turn it off, when he noticed his father’s cell phone number. He ignored the call, but a few seconds later, his was calling again.
“Answer it.” Her voice was like ice, and she got up and headed toward the kitchen.
Moments later, Nathan hung up the phone and found Kristina scrubbing the dishes with a fury. His steps halted as he stared at the woman before him. He had no idea how to tell her about the call he just received. It was going to crush her, send her reeling back behind her wall for good.
“Kristina, it’s Barbara,” he said, the sadness and fury barely leashed in his voice. “She’s in the hospital. She’s been attacked.”
Without any further discussion, she grabbed for her purse and said, “I’m on my way.”
He grabbed her arm and said, “I’m going too. I’ll drive you.”
As they drove the short distance to the hospital, he filled her in. “She was out with her friend Cindy tonight; apparently, they went to the movies. Barbara left the movie to get some popcorn, but when she didn’t return, and didn't answer her cell phone, Cindy called George.” Pausing, he said in a voice softened by the depths of his anger, “Cindy told George that before the movies, Bobby was harassing them. She could tell that he had been drinking……” His voice trailed off as he parked the car. Running a hand through his hair, he added, “The police found her on the football field about an hour ago…”
When he reached for her elbow, she neatly sidestepped him and asked, “Are the police going to let him get away with this one?”
He could see the anger swimming behind the tears, “They already have him in custody.”
He went to reach for her again, but thought better of it, and instead offered, “She was still with the doctors when my dad called.”
They walked inside in silence. The elevator’s chime signaled their arrival, and the two silently stepped off. She followed Nathan to Barbara’s room. Barbara’s father, George, had just stepped outside the room and leaned wearily against the door. Shudders wracked George’s shoulders as he bowed his head and sobbed into his hands. “She looks like he used her for a punching bag.” Tears were flowing, unchecked, down George and Kristina’s face. As he raised his head, he sniffled and laughed at the same time, “And she is still trying to make me smile.”
Kristina hugged George and reassured him, “She has such incredible strength of spirit. That is the thing that will carry her through this, and above this.”
He regained his composure slightly, briefed them on Barbara’s status, and then stepped into the room for a moment to see if she was up for visitors. While he was gone, Nathan took a moment to gaze at Kristina. She stood beside him, staring blankly at the door. He reached out to touch her, but George returned and was telling him he could go in. Letting his hand fall to his side, he heaved a sigh, and gathered the courage to go into the room.
Barbara lay on the bed, and he had to swallow back the tears as looked down on her once-beautiful face, which was now all swollen and bruised. I know you have a plan God, but sometimes, I just don’t get it!
Barbara’s eye that was not swollen shut slowly opened. “Hey,” he said softly, sinking into the chair beside her bed.
“Hey,” she managed, and after a moment’s pause she added. “Dad's not doing so well.”
“He’s worried,” he said. After a moment he asked, “How are you?"
She managed a little laughed, filled with pity, and said, “I guess you won’t believe ‘Fine,’ will you?”
He smiled, and took her hand, “I know you want to be strong for your dad, but you don’t have to be for me.”
Barbara sighed, and looked down at the blanket, unable to meet his eyes. Tears began to roll silently down her face as she began, “I’m angry at…” she struggled to get Bobby’s name past her lips, “But I’m also mad at myself . . . and embarrassed. Which, even though I know in my head I shouldn't be, I’m still embarrassed that I let it happen.” She turned her eyes back to him as she finished, “I just keep thinking I shouldn’t have ignored him so much . . . I knew he was a jerk, but I should have recognized he was so much more than that. I should have seen the kind of guy he was and what he was capable of.” Sobs shook her shoulders as she cried, "I just feel like such an idiot.”
He squeezed her hand and let her cry it
out. A muscle ticked in his jaw as anger poured through his heart like fire. So when he finally said, “None of this is your fault.” It was said with more force that he would have liked it to come out. Softening his tone, he added "He’s done enough damage to you; don’t let him keep hurting you.”
She shook her head, “I know,” was all she said, and for a few moments, she just fiddled with the blanket, eyes downcast as more tears ran down her cheeks. When she raised her eyes to his, and said, “I know,” again, he somehow knew that she did know. That behind all the doubt, self-recrimination, pain and anger, she did understand that God would somehow pull her out.
Squeezing her hand for strength and courage, he smiled and said, “Kristina’s here, too. Do you feel up to another visitor, or do you want to wait?”
Exhaling sharply, she said, “Okay, give me a minute and send her in.”
“Well, let me pray for you and then I’ll go get her.” She nodded and held his hand as he prayed.
Nathan opened the door and found Kristina and George still sitting in the chairs, and she was holding his hand for support and comfort. “She’d like to see you,” he said to Kristina.
Kristina’s head turned to him as soon as the door opened, and he was aching for her, knowing her heart was filled with pain for this girl she had let so fully into her heart. He watched her rise and look up at him, a myriad of emotions playing across her features. Pain and sorrow swam in her eyes, and concern creased her brow. She was clutching her anger in tightly clenched fists. Unanswered questions of why slowed her steps, as if she took time to reach the door, she would somehow find the answers.
Turning to George, he said, “Let’s go get you something to eat.” He was ushering George out, despite his protests, when she reached the door. He turned and saw her heave a weary sigh as she paused at the door, and then pushed it open and walked inside.
Miracles in Disguise (The Trampled Rose Series) Page 11