by Khan, Jen
“I wanted to come and tell you that I’m an asshole. I also wanted to let you know how sorry I am for that.”
Holly didn’t say a word. She sat there looking back at him skeptically, waiting for him to continue.
“I treated you terribly. I still can’t believe that I did those things to you. All you wanted to do was love me, and I was so wrapped up in my own selfish pity party that I didn’t think rationally. I was a horrible fucker, and for that, I am so very sorry.”
She visibly swallowed and nodded her head. “I thought about you every day that you were gone. I’m happy to see that you got the help you needed to see through your problems, Tristan. I truly am.”
He should have been happy to hear that she still cared about him. Instead, he had a hollow feeling in the depths of his stomach. Tristan rounded her desk, crouched down next to her chair, and stared up at her.
“Will you please forgive me? Let me make it up to you?”
She looked down at him with sorrow in her eyes, and Tristan felt the knot in his gut tighten. “I haven’t slept well in over a month. I think about what transpired between us every second of every day that I have time to go over it in my head. I keep myself busy so that I can find a moment’s peace. If not, my mind betrays me. Takes me right back to you.”
Tristan’s heart pounded in his chest. What had he done to this beautiful woman? “Cupcake—“
Holly’s hand rose, palm out in between them. “Don’t, Tristan. I’m not your cupcake.”
Damn. That cut him straight to the bone. Those words she had just uttered caused him more pain than he had ever experienced in his life. No kidding. He couldn’t breathe. He needed to leave for now, give her some space so that he could come up with another game plan. At least she had let him say what he’d needed to say to her for so long.
He tore his gaze from her and nodded. “Okay.” He stood, leaned over, and gripped the back of her head, bringing her closer before placing a tender kiss to the top of her hair. Then Tristan turned and made his way to the door. He grabbed the knob, looked over his shoulder, and stated, “You haven’t seen the last of me, cupcake.”
Before she could respond, he was through the door and had closed it behind him.
I hadn’t seen Tristan in six long weeks since he went off to Charlotte, where he entered a rehabilitation facility. I’ve woken up in the middle of every night with the sweats after the nightmare. It’s the same one every damn night. I almost hate to go to sleep because I know that, once I do, it won’t be long before I get a visit from Tristan and the woman he was with when I walked into his bedroom.
The texts and messages have been relentless. Each one with the same message. All of them apologies. All of them pleas to see him, talk to him. He’s changed. He wants to be a father and the man I deserve. I’m just so damn tired.
That doesn’t include the flowers that have shown up at my office daily. Every last bouquet met its fate at the bottom of the wastebasket. Then there was the visit to my office. I had known it would happen eventually. I just wasn’t prepared for it to be so soon.
After I walk in the door, I toss my purse on the couch and flop down beside it. This pregnancy is wiping me out. I lift my legs and rest my feet on the table. Doing that one simple movement almost takes everything out of me. My eyelids feel like they are eighty pounds apiece and I quickly lose my battle to keep them open.
I must have fallen asleep, because when I got home, the sun was still up. Now my apartment is dark. The only light shines in from the streetlamps in the parking lot outside. I bring my hand to my slight baby bump and give it a good rub before removing my feet from the table and rising from the couch.
The room tilts, and before I can steady myself, I am on the floor. As soon as I sit up, nausea takes its hold, and I crawl to the bathroom. I make it just in time to throw up into the toilet.
Ugh. I feel like shit.
There is a warmth trickling down my legs.
Oh God! Mortified that I passed out, peed myself, and barely made it to the bathroom to throw up, I lift myself onto the toilet, shimmying my underwear down my legs from under my skirt.
My head is pounding in my ears and my mouth instantly fills with saliva all while flashing spots fill my vision. I shift my gaze to the floor by my feet, where there is a dark-red puddle. Whoa! That is a lot of blood.
A sharp pain courses through my torso and down to my thighs. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no! This isn’t happening.
“My baby,” I gasp. I slowly rise from the seat when I gush of heat floods down my legs. “NO!” I scream. I can’t lose my baby too.
I lean against the wall and push myself down the hallway to the living room. After stumbling to the couch to retrieve my purse, I riffle through it in search of my cell. I slide my thumb across the face and dial 911.
That is the last thing I remember.
I blink away the darkness only to be assaulted by the blinding light of the room. My eyes snap shut. I try more slowly this time, peeling them open and squinting around the room. It’s a very white room and sterile-looking space. My gaze shifts to the left, where I see a window with hideous drapes—the kind you would see in a cheap hotel room. Dark blue with huge shapes of flowers in all different colors. Mostly yellow and orange.
I peer down by my feet, realizing that I’m covered in a white sheet. Off to the right, I notice a number of machines, a tray holding a pitcher of water, and a plastic cup. I try to sit up when an immediate pang of emptiness engulfs me. I feel my eyes bug out and vision go blurry from the water pooling inside of them.
“My baby,” I whisper. The tears flow over and slide down my cheek at an alarming speed.
The door to my room slowly pushes open and Tristan’s big, strong form fills the frame. His face is twisted in a mix of pain, sorrow… Maybe regret? My eyes shut, but before I can stifle the sob, it escapes my lips. I close my eyes tighter in an unsuccessful attempt to disappear and let my head fall to the side. I don’t have the energy or the fight to hide my emotions from him right now. I have lost everything.
Once I found out I was pregnant, nothing else mattered. If Tristan didn’t want me, I knew I would live with it, no matter how devastating, because I had my little angel. The one who took over every beat of my heart. I can feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I know my baby is gone. There is nothing left. I don’t know how I will go on from here.
“Holly,” Tristan speaks softly as he runs his fingers through my hair.
This only causes me to go into a fit of hysterics. He climbs into the bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me, and mine instinctually grab on tight. He is offering to be my anchor right now and I am accepting that gesture.
I don’t know how long this goes on. Minutes? An hour? It feels like days. When I have no tears left to cry, I push off of him and wipe my face. “Get out of this bed.”
“Cupcake—“
“No! You don’t get to call me that stupid name anymore. I told you before. I’m not your fucking cupcake.” My emotions are all over the place. Confusion, which leads to an immense sadness, which then opens up to anger. I have so much anger for this man right now that the sight of him makes my gut twist in knots.
“Holly, please just let me take care of you.”
“I hate you.” At first, it comes out so softly that I don’t think he has heard me until the color drains from his face. “Get out of this bed. Right fucking now!”
Tristan jackknifes out of the bed, his eyes wide with horror. Oh yeah, that is the reaction I was going for. Why shouldn’t he hurt as much as I do? Who does he think he is coming in here like everything was just going to be okay?
“Holly, calm down, sweetheart,” he tries to reason, but that just fuels the fire that is flickering inside. I feel a goddamn forest fire about to ignite.
I flip the sheet back, kick my feet to the side, and rise off the bed. “I HATE YOU!” I bellow, but I don’t stop there. Oh no. I plan to take him down into the depths of my hell. See how h
e likes losing something so perfect, so sweet, so innocent. Something you are sworn to protect with every fiber of your being.
My eyes are leaking. I don’t think that I will ever stop crying. I am on my feet and stomping towards Tristan, who has his hands up in surrender.
“I FUCKING HATE YOU!” I screech. I don’t even recognize the sounds that are coming out of my own mouth. I feel like a madwoman. I lift my hands to his chest and push him with every ounce of strength I can muster. I do it again and again and again until I have him backed into the wall. Then I close my fists and wail on him, pounding him in the chest as hard as I can. “You did this! You didn’t want our baby! You thought there was evil growing inside me!”
Tristan grabs my wrists and holds me to him. “No, cupcake! I loved that baby so much. So much that I—“ He swallows, and I notice the tears he is shedding.
Oh my God!
“After that night, I got my act together. I had Braden get rid of the drugs, I entered rehab, and now, I’m in an outpatient drug treatment over in Greenville and working on my issues. In particular, the ones that have to do with my mom. I know the things I said and did to you were terrible. I know that now. At the time, I was just so blinded by the reality of the situation and the pain I had been holding on to for so long. I never really did move on from the accident. She haunts me in my dreams, Holly. But after that night, when you came to my apartment and saw me at my lowest of lows, the dreams changed. They became more of a nightmare. Like she was trying to show me something. Tell me something. I checked into rehab and started talking to the counselors. They have been helping me work through all of the shit that haunts me every day of my fucking life. But, Holly, I swear to you that, once I settled down and started paying attention to the direction my life was headed“—he sucks in air and averts his eyes to the wall near the door— “I swear to you that you and my baby were all that mattered. You two mean more to me than anything else in this world. And now, our baby is gone, you are in so much pain, and I just want to fix it for you.”
I take in a sharp breath when my knees buckle. Tristan’s arm goes tight around my waist while the other hooks me behind my knees and I am cradled in his arms. He sets me in the bed and brings the covers up to my chin.
“You have to rest. You had lost a lot of blood by the time I found you.”
“You found me?”
Tristan nodded and gave me an impish grin. “The call you made to 911 came across the scanners. Jake was on duty at the fire station when it came through. He heard the address and immediately called me. I used the key you gave me a while back and saw you lying in a pool of blood in the middle of the living room floor, curled into a fetal position, clutching your belly. I have never, in my entire life, been so scared. The ambulance and fire department showed up right after I did and got to work on you.” He reaches over, grabbing my hand, turning it palm up, and kissing it.
I can’t take this show of intimacy. It is too much. I pull my hand back and put it under the covers. Tristan watches where my hand disappears. His eyes close briefly and he nods.
“I know that you’re angry with me, but I’m going to fix this. I’m going to fix us.”
“Please leave,” I cry. He is trying to offer me something I wanted more than anything. Now, I just don’t believe that he is capable of it.
“I’ll leave if you want me to, but I won’t give up.” He stands from the chair he placed next to the bed and leans over me, cupping my face with both hands and swiping at the tears that have begun to make their march down my face with his thumbs. “I’ll see to it that you never cry another day.”
Our eyes meet and his are full of determination and strength. He truly means what he is saying.
“I’m going to leave you alone for a little while. Let you get your strength back. And then I am coming for you. We’re going to do it right this next go-around and“—he leans in, kissing my forehead—“I will treat you exactly the way you deserve. I know that you have no reason to believe me now, nor have I ever given you a reason to hang in there, but, Holly…I swear it, sweetheart. I’m going to make all of your dreams come true. I’m going to give you the life you so desire and deserve. It’ll be me who protects you. Me who takes care of you. Me who loves you. And ME who makes a baby with you.”
I think I stopped breathing. Did he just say all of that?
“Like I said, I will abide by your wishes and leave you alone, but only for now. This is in no way me giving up. I’m just giving you time and space. If you need me for anything or just want to talk, you call me and I’ll be there before you can hang up the phone.”
I nod my head to let him know that I understand. There’s no way that I feel strong enough to fight him right now.
His eyes go soft. “Good. Get some rest.” He dips his head to place a soft kiss to my lips, pulls back, and gives me a small smile. “I’ll be seeing you real soon.”
He walked through the back door to Holts and saw his very pregnant sister-in-law standing behind the bar, doing inventory. Wednesday afternoons were always slow. There were a few customers playing pool and five people sitting at the bar, talking amongst each other. Emma put the clipboard and pen she was holding down on the bar and smiled at him.
“How’s my favorite sister-in-law?”
She rubbed her pronounced baby bump and replied, “I’m your only sister-in-law.”
He leaned over the bar and kissed her cheek.
“This is a nice surprise. What did I do to be graced by your presence?” Her eyes scanned his face, and he could tell when it registered that she knew exactly why he was visiting her today.
“You got a second?”
“For you, I’ll make one,” she answered, tipping her head to the side.
“How is Holly?”
“She’s okay. Seen better days, but I’m sure you know that.”
Yeah, he knew that. These last few months had been miserable. He’d spent his days training a few guys up in Charlotte who were planning to head up to Big Bear in a few weeks so that they could get their shot at the big time. Every young guy who trains in MMA wants to make it to the UFC. Of course, not many do, but they have dreams nonetheless. His nights had been spent in his apartment, thinking about Holly. What was she doing? How was she handling things? Was she feeling better? Was she eating right to gain her strength after the miscarriage? She consumed him.
“She’s better than she was the last time you saw her, Tristan. A lot better. I don’t think she’s sleeping all that well though.”
That made the two of them.
“You and Holly are tight. I just wanted to come and warn you that I’m done waiting, Em. I’ve given her time and space. I can’t give any more.”
Emma gave him a sad smile. “I don’t know if that’s such a great idea right now. She has a lot going on between work and…well, with her father’s possible release next week.”
Yeah, he knew about that too. In the state of North Carolina, they no longer dished out parole for murderers. That was if you’d landed your sorry ass in jail after 1994. That motherfucker had barely made it, but he had done it and that shit pissed Tristan the fuck off. No matter. The days of holding that over Holly’s head were over. The two of them would work through it.
“She was pregnant with my baby. I know I was an asshole, a real piece of shit to her, but that’s over now. I’ve got my shit together and I plan on proving it to her every day for the rest of her life—or until she kicks my sorry ass to the curb, whichever comes first. What I need from you is to convince her to meet with me.”
Her mouth dropped open.
Tristan ignored that reaction and kept going. “I need you to go see her tonight and tell her that she can meet me over at Side Street for lunch tomorrow.”
“I…uhhh… But—“
He ignored that too and talked over her stumbling reaction. “By the end of this year, I want her living under my roof, cooking meals while dancing in my kitchen, and waking up in my bed every morning. I have a
nursery already made up in the spare bedroom from all of the shit I bought for the baby—“
Her mouth quirked at the corner. “You have a nursery? In your house? You created a nursery for the baby?”
“I did. It took some time, but after the shit I pulled months ago when she was pregnant, I realized that I was an idiot. Needed to wake up and take care of business like a man. Within a couple of days of being back in rehab and talking out my shit with the counselor, I started buying up the baby section of every department store within a fifty-mile radius. I wanted that baby. I wanted to prove it to Holly first and I never got my chance because she lost—“He cleared his throat. It never got easier to talk about it.
“Well, you know. Anyhow, that’s where you come in. You’re her best friend. Maybe she will listen to you and come see me. Hear me out. It’s been a long three months, Em. A very long three months.”
“She means a lot to you, doesn’t she?” Emma pulled in a breath and laid it all out on the table. “You destroyed her, T. Never once in all of the years that I’ve known her have I seen her fall in love. Until you.”
Tristan held her eyes. Then he met her head on.
“I knew I fucked up when she punched me in the face because of fucking Giggles.” Tristan and Emma started to laugh. Hell, now he was calling Mara Giggles. “I wanted to do everything in my power to see what she had to offer. The woman has always been a mystery to me with her ‘lady in the street and a freak in the sheets’ persona. I fell in love with her, but when I found out that her father was the one behind the wheel of the car that killed my mother and left me for dead all those years ago, I lost it. The drugs gave me an out—as always. They numbed me. I didn’t want to feel the pain. Then to find out that she was also in that car. I couldn’t take it. I was weak. Somehow, I managed to find a way to put the blame off on her. She was a kid for Christ’s sake.”