by Khan, Jen
Emma stared at him, listening, not offering anything more than an ear.
“Then I fucked up even worse by sleeping around. God, the pain in her eyes at seeing what I was doing to that woman—I will never forget that look. I did all of that to the mother of my child.”
When he looked away, he heard her sniffling.
“When she lost the baby, I was beyond devastated. It struck me deep in my soul. I never thought I would be a father, but when I accepted the fact that I was actually going to be one, I got used to that. I grew to love the idea. I have never been tied to a woman, and here I was, anchoring myself down forever with the most beautiful one I have ever met. And she was carrying my child. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I mean, I knew I’d screwed things up between us, but I was working on trying to put it back together. I was going to get her to forgive me by any means necessary and then we were going to raise our child together. Eventually, I want to put a ring on her finger and have her accept my name.”
Emma’s sniffling faded and she gasped. “What? You want to marry my home girl?” she asked while blowing her nose.
Tristan nodded. “I want to one day marry your home girl. Not today or tomorrow—well unless she wants to. But someday.”
She went silent and held his gaze. Then, slowly, her eyes lit up and she smiled big and bright. All teeth. “Then it looks like I have some convincing to do.”
Tristan sat in a booth in the far back of the bar area of Side Street. He drank a sweet tea and watched the door intently. He knew that Holly was about to walk through the door because he had just received a text from Emma saying that she was on her way. He was nervous as all hell yet excited at the same time to see her again after all of those months. He hoped that she was taking good care of herself.
Sunlight poured in through the doorway when the it opened and Holly stepped through. She looked absolutely stunning. He watched as she smiled at Amy, who was working the hostess station this afternoon. She pointed in his direction, to which Amy turned her head over her shoulder, her eyes finding his. He gave her a chin lift. She smiled and nodded in return. Then he watched Holly walk to him.
She was wearing a simple, blue, long-sleeved shirt with blue jeans. Her brown hair was tied into a ponytail. He could tell that she had cut a considerable amount of her hair since he had seen her last. The woman pulled off casual like a sex goddess. He found it amazing how she could work any outfit and any style.
When she reached his booth, she gave him a slight smile that didn’t meet her eyes. She was sad, which physically pained him. Tristan slid out of the booth and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her on the top of the head.
“Hey, cupcake,” he greeted.
She gave his waist a squeeze and released him. He gestured to the booth and they took their seats across from each other. That’s when it hit him like a ton of bricks. Everything he had lost with this woman. He’d lost time, affection, a baby. It hurt like hell.
“Can I get you a drink, darlin’?” our waitress Maryann asked.
“Just a water with lemon,” Holly answered.
“You got it, sugar. The menus are right there,” Maryann said, pointing her finger at the corner of the table. “I’ll be back with your water to take your order.” She smiled and hurried off to the bar area.
Neither Holly nor Tristan bothered with menus. They both had been there enough times before to know exactly what they wanted. Side Street had the best pizza and pasta dishes.
Her eyes came to him. “Emma tells me that it’s very important that I see you today. What’s up?” she asked.
His eyes scanned her face. She looked good. The color had come back and she appeared healthy. She’d been taking care of herself. Good.
“You doing good?”
She nodded and smiled.
“You look so sad.”
Her smiled died. Tristan noticed the way her face fell and wished he could take back that last statement. She didn’t need to be reminded of her emotions.
“Yeah, I guess I do,” she said honestly.
“I wanna make you happy,” he told Holly. He wasn’t going to tiptoe around the subject. There was no point. Best to get it all out in the open now instead of wasting time with idle chitchat.
She shook her head at him. “Let’s not do this now. Things are going well. Work has been busy. I just don’t have the time for this in my life right now too.”
“Things may be going well, but I can see it in your face. You’re not happy. I plan to change that starting now.”
“I don’t have time for this right now,” she stressed. “I thought you wanted to catch up? I was willing to come see you if that was what your intentions were. I wanted to see for myself that you were better. That you haven’t fallen off the wagon.”
“My intentions will be clear when you stop fighting and jump on board.” He was losing his patience already and they had just sat down. “Look, I know I screwed up. I didn’t handle you the way you need handling. That’s over now. I gave you the time you needed to sort things out in that pretty little head of yours. Three months is a long damn time, Holly. I’m not that patient of a man, but I would do anything for you.”
She glared at him from across the table. All of a sudden, he had an urge to remove all of the sharp objects from her reach.
Maryann set Holly’s water down in front of her on the table. “Can I take your order?” she asked.
“Volcano,” Holly ordered. “Double the pineapple.”
Tristan wanted to laugh but decided against it. This woman knew how much he hated pineapple on pizza. Who the hell does that? Whatever. He’ll just pick it off and enjoy it with the bacon and jalapeños. She was getting her spunk back and he rather enjoyed watching it.
Maryann looked to me and I nodded before she spun on her heels and headed to her next table.
“Last thing I want to do is upset you,” he told her quietly while reaching across the table and taking her hand in his. He could feel her resistance, but she gave up the fight once she figured out that he wasn’t going to let her win this one.
“Yeah, well, you are,” she returned.
“Then you’ll just have to learn to get over it. I plan on winning you back. Being your man again.”
When he was done, her eyes were wide. “I don’t think you ever were my man, Tristan.”
Shit.
Of course she felt that way. What had he ever really done to convince her otherwise? He was such a dick, and he had to rectify himself beginning now.
“I know why you would think that way, but you’ve had me for a very long time. I think you had me the night you walked into my gym and rubbed that sweet little ass across my cock during class.”
Tristan watched as Holly’s face changed to a bright red. God, he loved it when he made her blush.
“You and me, babe? We’re not over by a long shot,” he informed her while rubbing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.
“So that’s it? You’re not giving this up?” she asked in an almost defensive tone.
He could feel his eyes flare. She noticed. “Nope. Never.”
She swallowed, closed her eyes, and looked down at where their hands were intertwined.
“Cupcake, look at me,” he urged, and she did so. “We’ve been through a lot together. The circumstances behind our relationship are only found in the soap operas. The shit’s fucked. But what I know is that you are the most amazing person I have ever met. I never know what is going to happen next with you. More than that, you are loving and kind, and you think of others way before you think of yourself. It’s astounding how unselfish you are. I am in love with a fascinating woman.”
Before he could tighten his grip on her hand, it was gone and she was on her feet, hooking her purse to her shoulder.
“How dare you,” she seethed at him. “How dare you tell me that you are in love with me. Where was all of that love months ago when I found you fucking that woman in your apartment?”
“Holly, sit down.”
“Don’t you dare tell me what to do. I don’t belong to you. You have no claim on me.”
“You were pregnant with my child. I believe I have all the claim I need.”
That might have been the wrong thing to say.
“Oh my God,” she gasped. “How could you throw that out there with no regard to my feelings?”
“Sweetheart,” he tried to interrupt.
“You love me? That’s what you claim? You. Love. Me? You are so full of shit. You don’t love anyone but yourself, Tristan. How could you possibly love the woman who lost your baby? The woman whose father killed your mother!” she blurted and slapped her hands over her mouth with the horror of what she had admitted.
Tristan was on his feet and taking her in his arms. “That wasn’t your fault. Her blood does not stain your hands.”
She released all of her weight on him and he gladly accepted it. She wrapped her arms around his middle. They held on tight to one another until Maryann returned with their pizza piled high with pineapple and two drink refills.
“Hmmm…”
“That’s awesome!”
“It is so not awesome!”
I am sitting on my couch, my feet tucked under me sipping on a glass of wine. Emma and Olivia are sitting opposite me on the sectional, listening to me recount the lunch I had with Tristan at Side Street the other day.
“So? Has he tried to contact you since then?” Olivia asked.
“Only about five thousand text messages and two hundred voicemails in the past two days.”
“Those Holt boys don’t give up without a fight. I have to say it, home girl, but you’re not going to win this one,” Emma says matter-of-factly.
“Have you two not listened to a word I just said?”
“Uhhh…what? The fact that my brother is a great, big, giant nut sack?” Olivia asks sarcastically. “Yeah, I coulda told you that. Problem is, I told you that before and you didn’t listen. I love T, but he has some serious hang-ups.”
“Give him a break, Olivia. I’ve talked to him and I think he’s seriously in love with her”
“I don’t doubt that for a second, but the boy has been fucked up for a long while. I just want to make sure that Holly is fully aware that my brother has been battling these demons for a long time and I’m pretty sure that he will continue to battle them for a lot longer.” She shifts her eyes to me and says, “You gotta be up for the fight, baby doll.”
“Holly, listen to me,” Emma soothes. “You know my history, honey. I may not have turned to drugs, but I did some of the same things that T did to you to Braden. I ran, I pushed, and I fought him at every turn. He never gave up on me. I know it wasn’t fun for him, but he reminds me every day that I was worth it.”
She has a point. She gave poor Braden a run for his money and he headed her off at every curve she tried to throw his way. The man didn’t give up. If Tristan is anything like his brother, I don’t stand a chance.
“I know that you’ve had a rough go lately with losing the baby and the situation with your father that ties you all together—“
“And my brother being a large shit-eater.”
Emma rolls her eyes. “The point is, if you still love him despite all that has happened and you can find it in your heart to forgive him and move on, you should give yourself that gift. Let love in, because, darlin’, when you do, it’s the most incredible feeling in the world. To love someone and for them to return that to you”—she smiles and shakes her head—“giving more than you get and him doing the same for you—“
“When did you become such a love-struck sap?” Olivia grunts.
“When your brother gave me all of the orgasms and knocked me up,” Emma returns.
“Lulululululululululululululu!”
Emma and I laugh while Olivia covers her ears.
“How did this happen to me? Two of my besties both ending up with my brothers. It’s gross. I mean, okay, I love it. Don’t get me wrong. But ewww.”
I bite my lip to attempt to silence the giggle that is threatening. “I’m not with your brother,” I remind her.
“I think you should go to his house wearing nothing by a coat and a smile, get the business, and all will be right with the world,” Emma speaks up as if I hadn’t said a word.
“The business? Really, Em?” I ask.
“You know.” She wiggles a brow and then jerks her head in Olivia’s direction whispering loudly, “That one doesn’t like to hear us talk about orgasms with her brothers.”
Olivia tosses her hands in the air, at the same time throwing her head back and staring at the ceiling, clearly exasperated.
Emma throws me a grin.
I am not going to show up at Tristan’s house and give him the business. Or am I? Shit.
“Look, I’m a home bitch. You’re a home bitch. We’re all home bitches here,” Emma says, lifting a hand and pointing between the three of us. “It is my duty as a home bitch to lead you in the right direction. I would never steer you wrong, especially in love. I’m going to tell you that I know for a fact that Tristan is in it to win it. He doesn’t just love you, girl. He looooooves you. He loves you the way a man loves a woman when he realizes he can’t live without her. That all-consuming, heartwarming, soul-crushing kinda love. The kind you need more than your next breath.
My heart skips a beat—or maybe two—at her words.
“I felt that way about Braden the first go-around and I gave it up. But that pull was there. I couldn’t deny it any more than he could. I see that in Tristan when he looks at you. When he talks about you, there is a light in his eyes that was otherwise dim. He has issues, but, honey, so do you. You held on to that secret about your father all this time. Need I remind you how unhealthy that was?”
No, she certainly does not.
“Now, you have an outlet. Help him through his issues while he helps you through yours. Trust me, you do this and you’re going to see this thing between the two of you explode. In a good way. I did it and so can you. It’s your turn, doll. You put yourself out there and got burned in the process. I get that. Now, he is doing the same thing. He’s on the ledge, ready to jump, and I think you need to be the one to catch him.” Emma leans across the couch, placing her hand on my knee. “I promise you on the home bitch code of conduct that I would never send you down the wrong path.”
“It’s true. She would never lead you astray. Go for it, chica. I just don’t want to see you hurt. I also don’t want to see your squander this time. You gotta live in the moment, yo! All craziness aside, be cautious. If you want this with him, you have all of the information you need to make that choice. It won’t be easy, but take a shot at it. No regrets.”
Classic Olivia. God, I love her.
“She’s right, hun. From what I have gathered, you love that man. Don’t sit on it and not make a move. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life. I do. Every day, I wish that I had done something sooner instead of wasting and losing so much precious time with Braden. Don’t let the love of a lifetime slip through your fingers.”
These girls make a compelling case, which scares the shit out of me. Am I really going to take that leap again? Risk my heart? Emma gives me a reassuring squeeze of the knee and a smile.
“Well, he is a pretty awesome lay.” I shrug, taking another sip of wine.
Olivia throws her hands in the air and slaps them down on the couch beside her. “Really?”
Emma giggles, shaking her head.
“Really. He gives amazing—“
“Lulululululululululululululululululu!”
It is my turn to get a round of shots for the girls and Curtis. Tonight, we are dressed to the nines. It is what Olivia calls “dresses, drinks, and debauchery, yo!” I have on a short, red dress that fits me like a glove, and I look damn good in it. Olivia and Emma are both in their LBDs—little black dresses. Emma is showing off her large baby bump. Charlena is wearing an array of colors with a low neckline and proclai
ming, “These double Ds need some air, honey.” The girl likes to stand out. Curtis opted for a suit as always. He always looks amazing. It’s too bad that he is gay. One of god’s cruel jokes on women.
Holts has a healthy crowd, but it is a little after eight o’clock, which means that it’s right after happy hour, when the big rush has already died down for the evening. I walk to the bar. The bartender asks what I want, and I yell to him over the other patrons and music from the jukebox, “Four Fireballs and another round of beers. Oh, and a water for the pregnant chick!” As he begins lining up the shot glasses, I peer over at our table and watch in horror as Braden, Juice, and Tristan take seats with the others. “No, wait! Five Fireballs.” This calls for two shots. I need some serious liquor flowing through me to get me through this.
“Honey, Tristan’s here,” Emma says, appearing beside me.
I look at her then over my shoulder to the table. “Yeah, I saw him come in,” I respond with a slightly irritated sting in my voice.
Emma’s face goes gentle. “I know that you’re still trying to find it in your heart to forgive him, but I am telling you now. He has paid for being an asshole to you. He is still paying for it with the loss of your baby.”
I flinch as if she’d slapped me in the face.
“I’m sorry to be so harsh, and if I could take that away from you, I would.”
I know she would. I nod once and turn to see Tristan staring at me.
“I know that you don’t get it right now, but he is hurting too. I think that, even when his head wasn’t right, his heart still belonged to you and that baby.”
I turn my eyes from Tristan and train them back on Emma.
“Honey, I know that you’re getting tired of hearing it, but that man over there? He is in love with you.”
At her words, a lump forms in my throat. I swallow then take a deep breath.
“Do you want to go? If you want to go, we’ll go,” Emma offers.
That’s Em. She says that I am the one who always looked out for others when, in reality, she’s the one who does that. I was just making it up to her last year when she finally needed someone. I have no doubt that, if I say yes to leaving, she would run right over to that table, gather her belongings, and tell them that all we were rolling out, but I can’t do that.