Can't Buy Me Love

by Summer Kinard

  Vanessa felt as though she wasn’t breathing. She sucked air and ran to the toilet to sit down. Lightheaded from hyperventilating, she tried to calm herself. “Think,” she chided. She was disconnecting from everything around her, floating above herself as she sat on the toilet. “No,” she whimpered quietly. The floating was worse than vomiting. Why couldn’t she vomit? Then she wouldn’t have to talk to Bradley, and she could go to bed and sleep off the attack. Her pleas were useless, and the feeling of disintegration heightened. Noticing that she could not stop the floating only made it worse.

  Vanessa tried to feel her hands as they squeezed together over her knees, but they were tingling. With a force like hitting hard water, flashbacks slammed through her: her Uncle Larry the child molester was there, with a child…with Vanessa…trying to force. NO. She pushed the memories away. Shaking, she caught her breath. She was back inside herself. Then she got her wish, leaning over the toilet to let her empty stomach retch.

  She sat up, inhaling deeply. She brushed her teeth and rinsed the brush. When she turned off the water, she heard movement in the bedroom.

  “I thought you were waiting in the living room?” Vanessa called through the bathroom door.

  “And I thought you didn’t have a huge supply of condoms sitting on the dining table!” Bradley called back.

  “What? What does that have to do with anything? Go back in there,” Vanessa finished up and washed her hands, noticing as she did that her outfit had not escaped her upset stomach. She peeked into her bedroom to make sure Bradley was gone, then came out to change clothes. After pulling on an old pair of yoga pants and a big yellow T-shirt, she slipped her fancy demi bra out by a sleeve, not wanting its enhancements in effect when she saw her ex. “Might as well see what he wants,” she muttered, pushing her hand through her hair. She checked herself out in the mirror on the way. Assured that she looked decidedly unsexy, Vanessa opened the door to the living room. Bradley was mostly naked on the couch.

  “Hey, Nessa. We need to talk.”

  “Bradley?” She crossed her arms over her chest, wishing she had taken time to find another bra to wear. “What the hell? Put your clothes back on. You are not crashing on my couch.”

  “What? Oh, no, that’s not why I undressed. I saw the box of condoms and thought you wanted to get back together. Then I saw all the large ones, and I put my underwear back on, just in case you were getting some from elsewhere, you know?”

  “I don’t understand you, Bradley. You cheated on me because you didn’t want to screw me, and now you show up here after I have been on the best date of my life with the man of my dreams, and you want to screw me because you snooped around and found a box of condoms?!” Vanessa threw Bradley’s clothes toward him and picked up the box of condoms. She handed it to him. “Take them. Go do your girlfriend, Bradley, and leave me to my thoughts.”

  “I’m sorry, Nessa,” Bradley pulled his shirt on. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, I realized something the past few weeks. We didn’t really have closure. Sexually, I mean. There were a lot of things I liked to do with you that keep coming back to my mind. I just thought, maybe we could have one more night to wrap things up.”

  “One more night,” Vanessa crossed her arms, looking doubtful. Her head was throbbing, and she felt off balance from her mother’s message.

  “Look, I know I cheated on you. But Amber only does head, no vag. I miss being with you, you know? I miss feeling you, oh, man, Nessa. I just miss having sex with you.”

  “So you came here on a Tuesday night hoping to bed me? Is that what the note was about? Percy thought maybe you caught something.”

  “What? No. I’m clean. You know I always glove up,” Bradley stood and stepped near Vanessa, rubbing her shoulder lightly.

  His touch zipped through her, making her recently traumatized nerves tingle with pleasure. Touch helped her feel anchored back into her skin, and Bradley knew how to touch her. Her resolve faltered as her senses fixated on the opportunity he offered. The floating was so horrifying. Was there any harm in letting Bradley help her stay grounded?

  “Look, I’ll leave if you want. I just thought I would stop by, see if you and I were on the same page.”

  “No strings attached; just one night?” Vanessa muttered softly, hating herself. Even though her heart ached at the thought of being with someone other than Javier, she had a visceral longing to be held near just then.

  “No strings attached,” Bradley purred, misreading the meaning to the way she was leaning into his touch. He moved his hand along her back, coaxing.

  “Well, first you have to agree to never say anything about this to anyone, Bradley. I think this man I’m with now is the one.” Her body was screaming with the relief of being alive, of touching, but her thoughts were pulling back to the perfect time with Javier. Her head was spinning, and she rested it on Bradley’s chest. He patted her gently, taking her actions for assent.

  “No problem. Amber doesn’t even know I’m gone. She’s at a conference in Greensboro all week. No one will know.”

  “Good thing for the condoms,” she laughed mirthlessly.

  “Lucky me,” Bradley smiled. He stood behind Vanessa, massaging her shoulders with firm pressure.

  She had forgotten how good he was at massages. All thoughts of Javier, of any person outside of her immediate experience, slipped away. A quiet part of her mind wept that she was shutting out Javier in order to shut out her mother and uncle, but she let the overwhelming pleasure of the moment soothe it. Every stroke of Bradley’s hand over her shirt sent shivers of relief through her. She wanted more.

  “So, what exactly is it that you miss?” Vanessa asked, resolving to go with the flow.

  “I’ll show you,” he said in a soft rumble. “But first, I have something for you. Don’t worry, I washed it. Amber’s mom gives her this olive oil soap all the time. They’re Greek or something. I used the soap to clean up this scarf.” Bradley walked to his jeans and pulled a dark pink and red silk scarf out of his pocket. It was very large, the kind for belly dancing.

  Vanessa took it in her hands and rubbed it through her fingers. It was nice, far nicer than anything Bradley had ever given her before. Its only flaw was a small pull near one corner, where the fabric had been tugged too hard.

  “It’s pretty,” Vanessa admitted. “Thanks.”

  “Here. Let me,” Bradley said. He lifted the silk so that it brushed over her face, whisper light. Then, settling the veil over his shoulders, he put his hands around Vanessa’s waist and pushed her shirt up, slowly. He rubbed his fingers up over her bare skin and tugged the shirt off over her head. When the cold air hit her skin, she pined for a moment for warmth. Javier’s face came to mind, unbidden, but she let it fall away under Bradley’s renewed caresses.

  It’s okay, she thought to herself, this is what I can have right now. Vanessa closed her eyes and breathed deeply, waiting. Bradley wrapped the silk around her torso and began to rub it over her. Goosebumps of pleasure rose all over her arms and the rest of her exposed skin. Bradley was right about one thing. There was something very comforting in reuniting with an old lover, someone who knew her body’s sensitivities. She clung to him, trying to keep herself from spinning off into the abyss. Survival, not pleasure, was her aim.

  The night passed in a blur of sex. Gradually Vanessa became aware of a hunger that was at odds with the physical satisfaction they were giving each other. An ache grew deep inside her that she wanted to appease, but every time she almost felt close to filling it, she would just climax again, leaving her feeling emptier than ever. Vanessa had ten regular sized condoms in the box from Perla, and she and Bradley put them all to use. By the time they finished their last round, dawn was lighting up the bedroom window around the blinds. Vanessa felt drunk with pleasure and lack of sleep as she lay on her side in the bed with Bradley at her back. Vanessa lay there in the light of day, feeling Bradley’s body pressed against hers, and shuddered. She was anchored again, but her
body felt raw. Her arms and legs ached from all of their activity.

  “Bradley?”

  “Hmm?” he asked sleepily. “I think you ran out of rubbers, babe. Sorry.”

  “It’s not that. You performed admirably. What I want to know is, why do I never feel satisfied after?”

  “That’s what I miss about you, Nessa,” Bradley raised up on his elbow and smiled down at her. “You’re like a dude, never getting enough. Amber doesn’t get back till Friday. As far as I’m concerned, you buy the condoms, and we can continue this little reunion till they run out.”

  “I appreciate your enthusiasm, Bradley, really I do. But that’s not what I meant.”

  “Nessa, I’m not trying to fight with you, but I just want to point out that you seemed pretty satisfied to me. And we just blew through a whole box of condoms in one night. That’s a lot of satisfaction, if you ask me.”

  “The sex was great, Bradley, really. You’ve got the gift. I hope you and Amber, or you and a woman who will let you do her properly, will be very happy together someday. But I can’t do this anymore, facing the morning all sexed up but feeling empty,” Vanessa turned her head a little to meet Bradley’s smirking gaze. “And before you say it, I don’t mean in my lady parts. I mean, I think I have gotten two things confused.”

  “Okay. A deal’s a deal. We had our one night of reminiscing, and we’re done. I get it.”

  “It’s not just about us, Bradley. It’s about me.”

  Bradley sighed. Talking about feelings was not his forte. “Vanessa, I know I’m just your ex, so please take this as you see fit. But from the outside looking in, you have everything you need. That was one of the things I always liked about you. I wasn’t worried about satisfying you because you are so perfect already.”

  “Thanks, Bradley. That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me after a night of highly-proficient intercourse.”

  Vanessa got up to shower while Bradley dozed. Then Bradley had a turn in the restroom while she made breakfast. He joined her as she was setting the table.

  “Nice mugs,” he noticed, sipping from one of the blue cups Percy had found. “And hey, is that real smoked salmon? You never used to let me pick up old seafood!”

  “Well, Percy has a deal with the specialty foods counter now. We get the slightly out of date stuff every week, right from the refrigerator, so it’s safe,” Vanessa sat down catty corner to Bradley and appraised him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Bradley, but breaking up with you has brought some really great changes in my life. Percy is pretty awesome at foraging.”

  “You used to say that about me, that I could do two things well: forage and, well, you know, sex.”

  “I stand by what I said. But I’m glad we’re not together anymore, as nice as this little walk down memory lane has been.”

  Bradley chewed his bagel with smoked salmon and goat cheese, apparently lost in thought. “I guess you’re right. I’m happier with Amber, too. She doesn’t want kids, and I always knew you did. We’re thinking about getting a dog this fall.”

  “Are you sure you want to do that? Vet bills are pricey.”

  “It’s like you used to say, Nessa, some things are worth paying for.”

  Bradley left before eight in the morning, giving Vanessa time for a long nap before her evening shift. She woke up at two in the afternoon, feeling unsettled. The condom smell was overwhelming again. She gathered the sheets, her clothes from the night before, and all the towels and cloths they had touched together. Wearing a variation on the yoga pants and T-shirt outfit from last night, this time with a simple bra, Vanessa hauled the laundry downstairs to the machine. She set the load going with plain washing soda, the least expensive she could find. She was about to start up the stairs again after starting her wash when her downstairs neighbor peeked out of her front door. A surly looking, very obese woman in tight jeans and a white T-shirt, she looked more pissed off than usual today with a half-smoked cigarette hanging off her lip.

  “You wanna keep it down in the middle of the night? All that banging around up there made it damn near impossible for me to sleep.”

  “I’m sorry,” Vanessa lied. “There was a mouse, and we had a hell of a time catching him.”

  The woman grunted and slammed her door. “Just keep it down up there, wouldja?”

  Vanessa did not like the fact that her sometimes-rude neighbor knew about her all nighter. She would have to find a way to make peace. Otherwise, who knew what might happen? The woman might talk or complain to the landlord, or worse, bang on the ceiling with a broom if Vanessa ever stayed up all night with Javier.

  “Javier,” Vanessa sighed remorsefully as she opened her front door. “God, I’m an idiot.” She did not feel as though she had cheated on Javier, but she had cheated herself. Betraying herself with Bradley kept her together, but it was the kind of wholeness accomplished by captivity. She did not trust it.

  She looked at the clock. Percy’s last class let out at two thirty, but she had said she stayed after to talk with students for thirty minutes. Vanessa would call at three to see if they could meet to talk. In the meantime, all the action from the previous night had made Vanessa ravenous. She made herself a quesadilla with zucchini, onions, and three types of cheese while she waited to call Percy. Then she dug through the fridge till she found a large chunk of cheddar that had gone out of date just two days before. After eating her quesadilla, Vanessa took the cheddar cheese downstairs with her.

  She took a deep breath and knocked on the neighbor’s door.

  “Who is it? What do you want?” the woman called without opening the door.

  “It’s Vanessa, your upstairs neighbor. I wanted to apologize.”

  “Vanessa, is it?” the woman opened the door. With the cigarette gone, she looked much more approachable. “I’m Margery. We met once when you and that skinny man were moving things in.”

  “Right. Margery. Listen, I’m really sorry I woke you up last night. I wanted to make a peace offering,” Vanessa held out the cheese.

  “That real cheddar from England?” Margery accepted the gift and looked at it closely. “My old man loves that stuff, but he can’t hardly find it at the Food Lion. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Again, I’m sorry about the noise. I’ll try to keep it down in future.”

  “Way I see it, all that noise was due to you keeping it up,” Margery chuckled. “But don’t you worry none. My lips are sealed.”

  “Thank you,” Vanessa smiled.

  Margery closed her door, and Vanessa switched her wash to the dryer. Back in her apartment, Vanessa tidied up, watching the clock eagerly until she could call Percy. At three o’clock on the dot, she called.

  “Percy?” Vanessa asked eagerly when the line was answered.

  “This is Dr. Lundquist’s office. May I take a message?” a male voice replied.

  “When is Perc-Dr. Lundquist returning, do you know?” Vanessa asked, annoyed at the delay and the gate-keeping. In the background, she heard a door open and Percy’s voice greeting the young man.

  “Just a moment,” the man said, setting the phone down. “Um, who is this?”

  “Vanessa—a friend of Dr. Lundquist.” She heard the man repeat the information, followed by quick footsteps.

  “Vanessa! Hi. Sorry about the delay. I have my research assistant in today, and I was getting some paperwork to him.” Percy turned away from the phone for a moment, during which Vanessa heard her say, “Thank you, Stewart. See you Friday lunch.” Then she was back on the line. “What has you calling at this hour? Aren’t we meeting at five?”

  “Percy, I need to talk. I was wondering if we could meet sooner. No dumpsters.”

  “This sounds serious,” Percy joked, “stepping outside the confessional. Shall I bring my anointing oils and crucifix?”

  “Just your ears will be fine.”

  “I’ll be right over. Give me a few minutes to print out some papers, and I’m on my way.”

  Vane
ssa paced around the living room while she waited. Her eyes lit on the pile of condom boxes, and she growled. “You have caused me too much trouble,” she lectured the boxes sternly. “Out of sight, out of mind.” Vanessa took the boxes to her bathroom and tucked them under the sink alongside her basket of monthly cloth and piles of toilet paper and soap.

  She looked at the dining table, which still held the scrapbooks; one laid open. Vanessa touched the photo of Javier, tracing the smile lines around his gorgeous, kind eyes. She felt sad all of a sudden. He was so good, and she wanted to be with him so strongly. A lump arose in her throat, and she swallowed it down. Her head felt smudged around the edges with emotions she could not name. She closed the book and picked it up, along with the other two. She was hugging the books to her chest when there was a knock on the door.

  “Who is it?” Vanessa called, suddenly aware that she had been squeezing the scrapbooks to herself to the point of pain. She set them on the bottom shelf of her bookcase and went to the door.

  “It’s me, Percy. And I have tea,” Percy smiled as Vanessa opened the door to her. “Green tea with honey and an orange slice. The preferred drink of women who need to talk.”

  Vanessa accepted the tea. “Thanks for the tea and for coming over so quickly, Percy.”

  “Not a problem,” Percy gave Vanessa a tiny smile, followed by a look of concern as she searched her friend’s face. “Mind if we sit down? I just stood for two back-to-back lectures.”

  “Yes, please,” Vanessa gestured to the couch. She sat down in the couch corner farthest from the door, crossing her legs on the cushion and clutching the tea in front of her like a shield.