Freed by Him

by GL Chapple

  “A few weeks after I’d started at university, no…and nobody knows; well, only Paul.”

  He looked at me startled. “Paul knows?” he asked astonished. “What about Maddie? Your parents?”

  I shook my head and tears threatened again.

  “Oh, Princess.” He moved towards me and I reached out again, clinging to him, burying my head into his shoulder and chest. He pulled me up onto his lap and I couldn’t get close enough to him, holding him tightly to me as the tears came again – harsh-gut-wrenching sobs as I finally allowed myself to acknowledge what had happened, the pain it had caused me then and all these years after.

  I’d forced myself to live half a life, holding people at a distance and never allowing anyone close, but within weeks Nate had broken down every defensive barrier I’d ever put up.

  He might call me Princess, but he was my Warrior, the only person that had fought for me and for us, even as I pushed him away.

  These last few weeks had pushed me to my limit, I thought I’d made myself tougher and stronger… but there was only so much a person could take.

  It was his strength that was keeping me afloat when I felt like I was sinking.

  I was slowly starting to believe that I could rely on him, trust him and if I was honest with myself, I was falling, hard and fast.

  Nate

  I’d comforted Lena as she cried, holding her and trying to reassure her, trying desperately to stop her breaking apart completely, the whole time fighting to control the red hot ball of rage that was burning me up. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry.

  I wanted to hurt her ex, this guy, fucking hell… I couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain and suffering I wanted to inflict on him, I was going to destroy him. To know that he had hurt her like that made me want to crush him with my bare hands and tear him limb from limb, but for him to be coming back at her again, trying to cause more hurt and pain; that was a huge mistake.

  Seeing the pain in her eyes as she spoke and hearing the broken, lost tone of her voice, so completely unlike her, had cut me deeply. My jaw ached from the tension I was holding in.

  Her shoulders were slumped, her posture screaming defeat. I’d seen her upset before but not like this. I thought that seeing her collapse at the gym had been painful; at least then, after falling apart she’d swiftly pulled herself back together, sitting rigid and stiff in the car on the way home. She’d been upset then but her shoulders were squared, her expression stoic.

  Now, she looked broken, it was as if the fire that burned bright within her had been extinguished the moment she read those words.

  The change in her when she’d looked at the letters had been dramatic and I’d known it was more than just the upset at the content.

  I’d crept out of bed the night before and opened the envelope. I’d thought she might be annoyed but I’d wanted to be forewarned. I needed to know what they contained before I let her see them.

  The letters were crude, sexually explicit and littered with obscenities. It made my blood boil. They didn’t contain any specific threats to her but they didn’t make for pleasant reading. Due to the heavily sexual content, I think I too would have arranged security if it had been my daughter, to be on the safe side.

  She’d picked them up looking nervous, her features tense as her eyes had skimmed over the pages. She’d looked angry and mildly upset at first. As horrible as the letters were I didn’t think they would be enough to cause her a major upset.

  But all of a sudden the colour had drained from her face and she’d become deathly pale. Her hands had started to shake and the paper had fallen onto the bed. She’d gone completely rigid. I’d moved to go and touch her and she’d flown from the bed into the bathroom and collapsed over the toilet being sick.

  I’d been stunned. I hadn’t expected this reaction at all. Maybe she was more sensitive than I’d thought. It had been only when I’d got her back on the bed and seen the look of fear and resignation in her eyes that it had clicked with me that she knew, or at least suspected who could have written them.

  I couldn’t believe she’d kept this secret for so long. I knew that the vast majority of assaults were unreported, but to have never mentioned it to her best friend or received any sort of support or help killed me.

  I convinced her to have a shower and call Maddie. She resisted at first, saying that it would just hurt her to hear and that it was in the past, I quietly pointed out that that might be the case, and asked how she would feel if it was the other way around, she reluctantly relented and contacted her.

  Once Maddie appeared, I was able to go downstairs into my gym. I put my headphones on, music blaring and hit the treadmill, my feet pounding out my aggression. I covered ten miles before hitting the stop button and turning to the punchbag, then I finished, my body bathed in sweat and my temper only mildly subdued.

  I walked back upstairs and saw that Lena and Maddie were in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar facing each other, both with red eyes and puffy faces.

  I walked in and went to the fridge. Reaching for a bottle of water, I took a long drink before walking over and standing behind Lena.

  “Hey, Maddie,” I said, kissing Lena on the head. “I’m gonna take a shower, you ladies ok?”

  Maddie tried her best to smile at me, her eyes still watery.

  “Yeah, we’re good.” She was holding Lena’s hand and I was grateful that Lena had her.

  I went upstairs and jumped in the shower, thinking back over the previous night. I’d call Lena’s father, Michael, once I got out and would question him some more about these letters. If the incident had happened years ago, there had to be a reason why they had started up. Yes, there hadn’t been another one for a little while but that didn’t mean they’d stopped, or even if they had, that I was going to let it go.

  I called Michael before going back downstairs with the girls. As soon as we’d exchanged pleasantries he asked how Lena was, obviously concerned about his daughter.

  I reassured him and didn’t tell him the extent of her reaction. I told him that she’d been upset but was alright, before guaranteeing to him again that I would be dealing with this.

  He sounded frustrated and asked what I would be able to do differently from my colleagues.

  “I said it would be dealt with, Michael. I didn’t say if it would be in an official capacity.”

  He started to chuckle softly which developed into a proper belly laugh despite his concern over his daughter.

  “I knew I liked you, Nate.”

  I asked him about Richard, but he was evasive, reluctant to give any information. I tried to push the issue and he responded curtly, “I think it’s better that you don’t know Nate. Trust me on this; he’s been dealt with. You say you don’t love my daughter, but you care for her a lot -” He paused.

  I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. Clearing my throat I confirmed that I did, wondering where he was going with this.

  “- Well, I do love her Nate, more than life itself and have done from the moment her tiny body was put into my arms, from the very first second that she looked up at me. She’s my daughter Nate, my beautiful perfect girl; my ray of sunshine who gave me hope and laughter every day of my life. No matter what comes next or who she loves, I loved her first and I’ll love her always. The thought of someone hurting my baby girl…”

  He trailed off and I heard the anguish in his voice before he came back with the same defiance that I recognised in Lena.

  “Like fuck!” he snapped. “Man-to-Man, Nate, you just need to know and trust that he was dealt with adequately. Some things I can never protect my daughter from, there will be assholes that could hurt her, I may not always be able to stop the hurt but you can be damn sure they’ll regret it.”

  I let it go; his impassioned speech had had the desired effect. I had total confidence in whatever action he’d decided to take, and from his tone, I knew that there was no way he’d paid him off. I smiled despite catching the undert
one of warning in his words, I really liked Michael and had a lot of respect for him.

  I asked him about Lena returning home from university. I was careful not to say anything that might arouse suspicion. Personally, I thought she should tell her parents so they could offer support, and in case this should escalate or come out some other way, but it wasn’t my decision to make. I was content that she now had Maddie there for support as well as me, and that was enough for me at the moment.

  Her father wasn’t as ignorant as she’d thought, though. He confirmed to me that he’d had suspicions about her reason for returning home, but that he’d never been able to find anything out.

  He asked me straight out if I knew anything, and although I felt dreadful for lying, I told him that I was simply fishing for information. I ended the call telling him that I’d be in touch with anything to report and went back downstairs to the girls.

  Maddie stayed with us for the rest of the morning. It was nice to hear Lena laughing and joking with her as usual. The atmosphere had vastly improved from when I’d gone upstairs; obviously they’d said what they’d needed to. She left just after lunch to go to work, hugging Lena fiercely and telling her how much she loved her.

  After she’d left, Lena turned to me, asking about my plans for the day. I raised my eyebrows and jokingly licked my lips at her, she laughed, clicking her tongue and shaking her head.

  “You can forget that Masters. You might not have much to do today, but I have some things I need to take care of.”

  I felt disappointed; I’d been looking forward to spending the weekend with her. She seemed to have picked herself back up now but I felt a ridiculous urge to keep her close.

  “Anything I can help with?”

  “You certainly can, but you might regret offering!”

  Curious, I looked at her and she spread her arms wide, a huge grin on her face.

  “Shopping!”

  I groaned instantly and she burst out laughing.

  “I want to look for something for the wedding. I’ve got got much time. You’re welcome to join me.”

  I tried to stop my smile from slipping when she mentioned the wedding. She was excited and happy again and I didn’t want to burst her bubble.

  “Yeah, I guess I can be persuaded,” I said sounding downbeat and she beamed again at me.

  “Make it worth your while,” she threw over her shoulder as she slid off the stool and started to walk up the stairs.

  I was behind her in a second. “Now that makes it so much more appealing” I said grabbing her and carrying her up the stairs as she shrieked and laughed at me.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon shopping. To be fair it wasn’t as boring as I’d expected. Knowing she kept stripping down to her underwear just a curtain away from me was driving me mad though and I’m sure she knew it.

  Jesus, if Marcus could see me now he’d have a fit.

  Every dress that she tried on looked perfect as far as I was concerned. I think she could have shown up in a bin bag and she’d still have looked perfect.

  She walked out in a floor-length silver dress - which had some sort of bead design that made it sparkly and shine when it caught the light. The dress clung to her curves without being tight - classy but sexy as hell.

  “That’s it”

  She smiled happily at me. “Do you think so?”

  I looked her up and down, admiring the view and she laughed.

  “Yeah I think this one too, maybe I should look at the underwear too, see what goes best with this?” She teased as she twirled around, looked at herself in the mirror, turned and blew me a kiss before going back into the changing room. She came out minutes later and walked to the till with the dress.

  We went to a local restaurant to eat, the upset of the morning long forgotten. Lena was back to her old self, laughing, joking and teasing me.

  I steered the conversation away from the wedding, avoiding that awkward topic and the mood was light and carefree.

  I paid for the meal and she rolled her eyes at me. She’d refused to let me pay for the dress, looking aghast at the thought, making me laugh and mock her.

  We headed home and she didn’t say anything when I took us back to my house. She went upstairs to change and came back down wearing another of my tee shirts. She looked completely at home and I was surprised with how at ease I felt having her in my space.

  She caught me watching her, “Shall I find us a film?”

  I told her to go ahead then went up to change my clothes. It was only just past seven but I threw on my pyjama trousers and a tee shirt as I had no intention of going out again.

  When I got downstairs, she was sitting on the sofa.

  “Your phone beeped,” she waved her hand in the general direction of my phone, distracted by something on the TV.

  I walked over and picked it up, vaguely recognising the number as I opened the message.

  “Remember who should be important to you. You’re important to us”

  I cursed, my irritation was starting to mount now with these stupid messages. I selected to call the number and waited for the dial tone. It rang and rang but nobody picked up. I left it a moment before trying again. Lena had turned to face me and was looking at me quizzically. There was no answer again and I threw the phone down onto the sofa in annoyance.

  Lena looked concerned, “What’s up babe? Is everything ok?”

  “Somebody keeps sending stupid messages. I don’t know who it is! I’ve said it’s a wrong number but they keep coming.”

  She looked worried. “What kind of messages?” she asked slowly.

  “Nothing bad, it’s just random. I don’t think it’s meant for me, but when I message they don’t reply, and they don’t pick up if I call. It’s just frustrating me sweetheart - nothing to worry about, I need to get the number blocked. I keep meaning to do it.”

  I leaned over and kissed her nose. “I’ll go and get us a drink and some goodies for the film.”

  She called out from behind me as I walked away, “Can I?” She sounded hesitant.

  Turning I saw her reaching for my phone and looking at me.

  “The code is 2606” I answered with a smile and walked into the kitchen.

  I walked back in with drinks, a giant bag of cheese puffs that she liked so much and a tub of confectionary that had appeared in my house. For a successful, professional woman she could be such a big kid.

  She was looking down at my phone her face creased in a frown. She looked up as I walked in and her and face lit up, holding her hand out for the tub and I laughed.

  “Such a child”

  She handed my phone back to me “Weird” she muttered.

  I assumed in response to the messages and I shrugged, reaching for the remote control. I really did need to get round to blocking that stupid number.

  She flashed me a smile, the phone and its messages forgotten now that she had her sweets, and I poked fun at her.

  “My favourite, never stop chasing the rainbow” her eyes shone with delight as she popped a handful of skittles into her mouth after quoting their advertising slogan, and I laughed at her.

  We put the film on; she’d chosen an old comedy that I’d not seen in years. It wasn’t even a good film.

  “Cool Runnings… really?”

  She nodded back excitedly, “I love this film; it’s a feel-good, overcome-adversity; do-it-with-class type of film.”

  I found myself smiling at her despite my misgivings, “Your choice, I have Foxcatcher there which I was fancying…”

  “I wanted to go for a Disney classic but thought you might draw the line at animation.”

  I shook my head at her “You really are such a big kid.”

  “Next time it’s your choice”

  She made herself comfy against me as she hit the play button. She knew almost every line and I mused how many times she must have watched this awful film.

  Lena

  I’d had a really great weekend which surprised me co
nsidering how it had started. Having to tell Nate about Jason had been one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, then having to repeat it again for Maddie to hear had been awful. I’d felt completely drained, it had helped though.

  It was only now that I was back at my own house and alone that I was able to think about it again. Nate had clearly gone out of his way to keep me distracted and occupied so that my mind couldn’t wander or dwell on anything unpleasant.

  The minute I’d seen those letters and reacted so strongly, I knew that Nate would want answers. It had been hard to say the words out loud, but once I’d got them out, it was amazing how much lighter I’d felt.

  Telling Maddie had helped enormously. She’d always known that I was holding back on her and just being able to tell her the truth made me feel better despite it being difficult to say the words.

  It hurt me to see how upset she’d been, beating herself up for not pushing me harder at the time and cursing him for getting away with it.

  I’d tried to explain to her that, even if I had told her, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to know. I still didn’t. The thought of my parents finding this out was horrifying; as it was they were both devastated by Richard’s actions.

  I tried to imagine the press and media getting hold of this - they would have a field day - and I felt sick. The last thing I wanted was for this to be common knowledge.

  I knew when I thought rationally, that it hadn’t been my fault. I tried to tell myself the same things that I’d repeated endlessly to the women at the refuge. Someone else’s poor choices were not my fault. I hadn’t led him on and I was in no way to blame for his despicable actions, but trying to force myself to listen to my sensible voice was difficult.

  People’s perceptions aren’t always fair or kind either, and I didn’t want any stigma attached to me.

  Some would pity me; the rest would cast judgement on me.

  There was alcohol there, I was at a party, I was likely drinking, probably in a skimpy dress…There would be justifications made for his actions so people didn’t have to acknowledge the existence of sick and twisted individuals. More often than not, way too much scrutiny and unpleasant attention was placed on the actual victim of the crime rather than the perpetrator.