Love Unspoken

by Carole Mortimer

  He flicked on the bedside lamp. ‘You canM sleep?’

  She shrugged, her hands together awkwardly in front of her, unwittingly emphasising her condition. ‘I haven’t tried yet,’ she told him softy.

  ‘Then why—? I don’t understand,’ he frowned his puzzlement.

  ‘Zack, I get lonely too sometimes,’ her voice pleaded for his understanding. ‘And the nights can seem very long then,’ she added huskily.

  For long timeless minutes he continued to look at her, then he slowly threw back the bedclothes beside him. ‘Come and join me?’ he invited softly.

  Julie hesitated only a moment, then she turned to him as she lay on the bed, letting him tuck the bedclothes firmly about her. His arms came about her, pulling her into the hardness of his bare chest, the rest of him just as naked.

  ‘Mm, heaven!’ he breathed into her hair, reaching out to switch off the lamp.

  He was right, it was heaven. It was also torture too! It was the first time in months he had so much as touched her, so it was the first time she had realised the inconvenience of being eight months pregnant when being held in a man’s arms. It was virtually impossible to get close to him!

  Zack was aware of it too, and laughed softly. ‘Maybe you should turn the other way,’ he suggested teasingly. ‘At least that way I could cuddle you spoon-fashion.’

  ‘In a minute,’ she nodded. At the moment, she was just luxuriating in the pleasure of being held, of feeling Zack’s strength become her own. All the fears of the birth of the baby receded when she was held close to Zack like this, her natural fear of the unknown evaporating in his quiet self-confidence. Zack would take care of her, she didn’t doubt that for a moment.

  Some time in the night they did cuddle spoon-fashion. Julie was aware of Zack’s warmth as she half woke towards morning, could hear his deep even breathing and knew he slept peacefully, that there would be none of the working in the night that she had often been aware of lately. Zack’s movements downstairs had occasionally disturbed her.

  She slept soundlessly herself, waking up mid- morning to find herself alone, Zack having gone to work long ago. But she felt none of the rejection she had felt the last time they had slept together and she had woken to find him gone, feeling only a closeness towards him, a bond that the baby was forging between them without them even being aware of it.

  Her feeling of contentment took her through the day with a happy smile on her face, and she greeted Zack warmly when he arrived home early that evening. The flowers he gave her brought a glow to her cheeks, and for once their evening was spent in harmonious relaxation, the conversation spontaneous and not forced.

  As if by tacit agreement they both went to Zack’s bedroom that night. There were no questions, no answers, just mutual consent to their new sleeping arrangements.

  And so it was that when the baby decided to be born two weeks early Zack was lying in the bed beside her, his deep breathing once again telling her of his contented sleep, his arm about her thickened waistline.

  ‘Zack?’ She shook that arm gently so as not to alarm him.

  ‘Mm?’

  ‘Zack!’ she repeated sharply as he made no effort to wake up but simply cuddled more comfortably against her.

  He was instantly awake, shooting up into a sitting position. ‘I—What is it?’ he blinked dazedly.

  ‘The baby.’

  ‘The baby?’ He still looked sleep-drugged. ‘You didn’t wake me up to tell me it moved?’ He sounded incredulous.

  ‘Zack, please wake up! I—’ She gasped as a painful contraction shot through her body. ‘Time them, Zack,’ she instructed him. ‘I have to let the hospital know when we call how quickly the pains are coming.’

  He was completely awake now, falling out of bed rather than getting out, pulling clothes haphazardly out of the wardrobe.

  ‘Zack, what are you doing?’ she asked as he put on two completely different shoes.

  ‘Mm—what?’ He looked down, hastily changing the shoes for a matching pair. ‘I don’t know what the hell I am doing,’ he muttered as he had to take his shirt off, somehow having put it on inside-out. ‘What are you smiling at?’ he asked suspiciously, his movements slowing. ‘This isn’t some sort of joke, is it? A sort of dress rehearsal?’

  As a ‘dress’ rehearsal it would have been a disaster! ‘No,’ Julie giggled.

  ‘A false alarm?’ he asked hopefully.

  ‘No,’ Julie shook her head, still smiling.

  ‘You really are having the baby now?’

  ‘Yes,’ she nodded happily.

  ‘Then what are you smiling about?’

  ‘You,’ she sobered. ‘I always thought you would be calm and collected when the time came, and instead you’re acting like someone in a comedy show,’ she laughed again.

  ‘I’ve never been a father before!’ he scowled.

  ‘It shows,’ she teased him.

  ‘Julie—Another one?’ His threatening tone turned to one of concern as he saw her wince.

  ‘Yes,’ she gasped.

  ‘Five minutes,’ he murmured. ‘I’m not even going to call the hospital, I’m just taking you straight there!’

  Considering what a busy place a hospital was during the day it had a strangely eerie feeling at night. Zack’s footsteps echoed hollowly in the corridor as Julie was wheeled from Emergency to the delivery ward.

  ‘If you would like to wait outside, Mr Reedman.’

  ‘I’m staying,’ he told the nurse firmly as she tried to usher him out of the room.

  ‘But, Mr Reedman—’

  ‘Julie?’ he looked at her sharply.

  Julie saw the anxiety in his face, her heart contracting. ‘He’s staying,’ she told the nurse huskily.

  And he did stay. For the next eight and a half hours he didn’t leave her side, talking to her soothingly during the calm times, letting her squeeze the blood from his fingers during the painful ones.

  It was during that eight and a half hours that she knew the bond between them to be cemented for ever, that her life and Zack’s would always remain one, that the baby would add to, not detract from the love she felt towards him. And which he felt for her, she was sure of it.

  When their daughter was born she cried in Zack’s arms, felt his tears mingle with her own as the baby was placed in her arms seconds later, love overflowing between them as they both gazed down in awe at their beautiful daughter.

  The doctor smiled at them. ‘No problems this time, Mrs Reedman,’ he assured her. ‘Everything went normally.’

  She had known that. Everything had been different from last time; her pregnancy had been quite an easy one, any extra precautions she had taken had been because of Zack and the doctor. But little Emily was worth it, and helped banish the hurt for that other little daughter who hadn’t been allowed to live.

  Zack left a short time later, with a promise to come back later in the evening. He looked as weary as she felt, and she only hoped he managed to get some sleep this afternoon.

  Julie rested herself, and by the time she woke up she had two bouquets and some telegrams. The baby was still sleeping peacefully in her crib next to the bed, seemingly exhausted too.

  For a moment Julie gazed with wonder at the perfection of the child she had brought into the world, at the thatch of red hair so like her own, the skin a delicate pink, the little hands screwed up into fists, as if Emily would dearly love to punch the person who had dragged her out of her warm cocoon into a world that seemed to consist of bright light and loud noises.

  Feeding the baby for the first time was an awkward as well as a pleasurable experience, and she blushed scarlet as Zack entered the room in the middle of her first efforts to coax Emily into feeding.

  She quickly looked down at the baby, avoiding his suddenly fierce gaze. ‘I—She doesn’t seem to want to feed.’

  ‘She will,’ he assured her, coming to stand at the side of the bed. ‘If she has any sense,’ he added provocatively.

  Julie’
s blush deepened. ‘I think that’s enough for now.’ She cradled the baby to her as she tried to fasten her nightgown back into place.

  ‘Here, let me.’ Zack held out his arms for his daughter.

  —

  She gave Emily to him, hastily straightening her clothing, watching with pleasure the tenderness on Zack’s face as he gazed down at the baby.

  His eyes were almost black as he looked up at her. ‘You never told me you were going to feed the baby yourself.’

  ‘You never asked me.’ Her blush deepened.

  ‘No, I suppose not. Connie sends her love, she’ll be in to see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she nodded. ‘You look rested,’ she added.

  ‘I managed to get a couple of hours. I suppose I’ll have to get used to sleepless nights now.’

  ‘Yes,’ she agreed ruefully, thinking how right he looked holding Emily.

  ‘She’s beautiful, Julie,’ he told her throatily.

  She flushed her pleasure. ‘You really think so?’

  ‘Did you doubt it?’ he teased.

  ‘I—I couldn’t be sure.’

  ‘Then be sure.’ His voice was firm. ‘I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful daughter.’

  ‘She looks like me,’ Julie said shyly.

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Zack-‘

  ‘She’s beautiful, Julie,’ he repeated softly. ‘I think she just fell asleep,’ he whispered in an awed voice.

  ‘Probably,’ she nodded. ‘She’s been trying to guzzle for some time.’

  ‘So I saw,’ he drawled.

  ‘Put her in the crib, Zack!’ Her voice was sharp in her embarrassment.

  He did so, carefully, before moving to unpack the bag he had brought with him. ‘Magazines, books, chocolates, drink,’ he listed the items as he placed them on the side.

  ‘I got your flowers, Zack.’ Julie looked at the beautiful vase of red roses. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Julie, I hope you aren’t going to be annoyed,’ he avoided her gaze, ‘but as you prepared the room next to yours for the nursery, and as I like sleeping beside you, I’ve moved my things into your room.’ He looked at her almost challengingly now, as if expecting her objection.

  She met his gaze unflinchingly. ‘Did you find enough room for all your things?’ she asked calmly.

  ‘Er—yes.’ He looked startled. ‘You mean you don’t mind?’

  ‘Not in the least. I was wondering how we were going to manage once the baby had been born.’

  ‘Julie-‘

  ‘Mr Reedman,’ the doctor appeared in the doorway, ‘I can spare the time for that chat now.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ he nodded. ‘I’ll be with you in two minutes.’

  ‘Zack, what’s wrong?’ she demanded worriedly once the doctor had gone. ‘There’s nothing wrong with Emily-‘

  ‘Nothing at all,’ he soothed. ‘I just wanted a few words with the doctor to check that you’re all right. I don’t want to take any chances. I’ll be back in a moment, darling.’ He kissed her lightly on the lips.

  But he wasn’t back in a moment, or in the next hour. In fact, he didn’t come back at all.

  CHAPTER 10

  Julie’s first thought when Zack didn’t return as he had said he would was that he had been delayed by the doctor. The nurse who came in to take Emily to the nursery for her nappy change soon put paid to that idea.

  ‘Mr Reedman left the hospital about fifteen minutes ago,’ the nurse told her in a cheerful voice, wheeling Emily out of the room in her crib.

  Julie’s second thoughts were ones of bewilderment. He had only just arrived, surely he hadn’t left again so soon—and without saying goodbye to her?

  But as the minutes ticked away and visiting time came to an end she knew he had gone, that he wasn’t coming back again tonight. Her telephone call to the house was answered by Mrs Humphries.

  ‘Is Mr Reedman there?’ she asked anxiously.

  ‘Why, of course, Mrs Reedman,’ the housekeeper seemed puzzled by the question.

  ‘Could I talk to him, please?’

  ‘Of course, I’ll get him. And congratulations, Mrs Reedman,’ the woman added warmly. ‘Eight pounds is a nice healthy size.’

  ‘Yes,’ Julie answered shyly.

  ‘I’ll go and get Mr Reedman.’

  She waited impatiently for Zack to come to the telephone. At least he was all right, not hurt as she had expected in her worst fears. Although why he had left the hospital so suddenly she had no idea.

  ‘Er—Could I possibly take a message?’ The housekeeper returned to the telephone a few minutes later.

  She frowned. ‘Isn’t Zack there?’

  ‘I-Yes. But-‘

  ‘Then why hasn’t he come to the telephone?’ she asked sharply.

  ‘Because he—he—’

  ‘Mrs Humphries, is Zack ill?’

  ‘No. No, he isn’t ill. Not exactly.’ The housekeeper sounded uncomfortable.

  ‘Then what is it?’ Julie demanded to know.

  ‘He’s in the study. With the door locked,’ Mrs Humphries sounded really flustered now. ‘And he says he doesn’t want to speak to you,’ the last she added in a scandalised voice.

  ‘Not speak to me…?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mrs Reedman. I tried to reason with him,’ she explained the reason she had been gone so long. ‘But he refused to open the door. I—I think he’s been drinking,’ she added tentatively.

  Julie frowned, not understanding this at all. What on earth was wrong with Zack? ‘Thank you, Mrs Humphries.’

  She rang off, her puzzlement now a tangible thing.

  Why had Zack left like that? What had she done to make him leave without even saying goodbye? And why was he drinking? Could it be that he finally knew the truth and couldn’t forgive her?

  Her agitation must have been evident to the nurse who brought Emily in to say goodnight. The first two nights of her stay in hospital were baby-free as she got all the sleep she could after the birth.

  ‘What’s wrong, Mrs Reedman?’ the nurse asked concernedly when she came back from the nursery, eyeing Julie’s flushed cheeks worriedly.

  Julie’s movements were agitated. ‘Is Dr Bessell still on duty?’

  ‘He was in the office a moment ago—’

  ‘Could you get him for me?’

  ‘Are you feeling unwell?’

  ‘I’m feeling fine,’ she said shrilly. ‘I just have to talk to the doctor.’

  The nurse hurried away, coming back a few minutes later to shake her head. ‘I’m afraid he’s already left for the night.’

  ‘Then I have to leave.’ Julie threw back the bedclothes, swinging her legs to the floor.

  ‘Mrs Reedman!’ The nurse rushed over to stop her. ‘You mustn’t get out of bed yet.’

  In actual fact she had begun to feel dizzy as soon as her feet touched the ground, but she had to see Zack, had to find out if it was the past that had driven this wedge between them once again. ‘I have to go—’

  ‘You have to stay in bed.’

  ‘I have to see my husband.’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be in tomorrow,’ the young nurse soothed. ‘Couldn’t it wait until then?’

  Julie doubted very much that Zack would be in tomorrow or any other day, not if what she suspected were right. She might never see him again! But the nurse was right, she did have to stay in bed, the world was beginning to swing on its axis.

  ‘That’s better!’ The bedclothes were smoothed over her as she lay back among the pillows. ‘Now try and get some sleep, Mrs Reedman. The doctor will be in to see you first thing in the morning.’

  Strangely she did sleep, the disturbed night of yesterday and the birth of Emily seeming to catch up with her. She awoke with a start, finding it was the lusty sound of her daughter‘s lungs that had interrupted her sleep. The next few minutes were taken up with feeding Emily, more successfully this time, and the tiny baby fell asleep halfway through the feeding, a look of conten
tment on her face.

  Julie had just laid the baby back down when the doctor came into the room, coming straight over to sit on the side of the bed.

  ‘Nurse Grove left a message for me to come and see you immediately I got to the hospital- even before I’ve had my breakfast,’ he added teasingly. ‘What seems to be the trouble?’

  She bit her lip nervously. ‘My husband— what did you talk to him about yesterday?’

  He frowned at the question. ‘You, mostly.’

  ‘I—Could you be more specific?’

  The doctor shrugged. ‘Your husband, quite naturally, wanted to be assured as to your own health.’

  ‘Yes?’

  He raised his eyebrows in puzzlement. ‘I reassured him.’

  Julie bit her lip. ‘What else did you tell him?’

  ‘Nothing. Mrs Reedman, what’s wrong?’

  She looked at him pleadingly. ‘I have to know exactly what you said to my husband, what you told him.’

  He frowned. ‘I’m not sure I can remember.’

  ‘Please try,’ she encouraged huskily, her intent gaze never leaving his face.

  ‘Well,’ he seemed to consider, ‘I recall we talked about how well the birth went, how there should be no problem with your having other children, that the miscarriage you had last time was an accident.’

  ‘Yes?’ her voice sharpened.

  ‘That’s all,’ he shrugged.

  ‘Did you tell my husband—what sort of accident it was?’ She held her breath as she waited for his answer.

  ‘I don’t—I remember now, he asked to see the notes. Of course I refused, but I did assure him that it was very unlikely it would happen again.’

  ‘Thank you.’ A dull throbbing had begun behind her eyes. Zack knew. After all this time, he finally knew the truth. That was the reason he didn’t want to see her, the reason he found a whisky bottle better company.

  Oh God, God, what was she going to do now? Talk to Zack—she had to talk to Zack! Mrs Humphries once again answered the telephone.

  ‘Mr Reedman isn’t here,’ she told Julie.

  ‘Not—there?’

  ‘No,’ the housekeeper confirmed. ‘His room hasn’t been slept in.’

  ‘Have you looked in the study?’

  ‘Oh, Mrs Reedman,’ the housekeeper came back a few minutes later, sounding very agitated, ‘he’s in there, slumped over his desk. He—he looks awful, Mrs Reedman! And he didn’t even wake up when I shook him.’