by T. K. Chapin
“Everything is great! No offense, but it’s nice to see some faces besides those of you and your family.”
A chuckle escaped from Tyler’s lips and he shook his head. “No offense taken. You getting back into the swing of things okay?”
“Yep. I sure am! Hey, if it’s okay with you, I want to raincheck on our dinner tonight. My father invited me out for a dinner to talk. I haven’t spoken more than a few words with him since his blowup a couple of weeks ago on the phone. My mom made it sound like he wants to reconcile.”
Worry flared in Tyler’s soul as he considered the fact that she could be lying to sneak off to Champ’s house. The truths of God’s Word written upon his heart rose up, though, and put the fire out. Trust God.
“Okay. What time do you think you’ll be back at the cabin?”
She was quiet for a moment, only fanning the fire of worry. When she finally did speak, she sounded edgy and annoyed. “However long it takes. I don’t want to put a time on it. It’s my dad, you know?”
“I understand.” Tyler picked up the remainder of his sandwich and tossed it into his mouth, chewing as he did.
“Please don’t be mad, Tyler.”
“I’m not mad. I just wanted to talk about something tonight.”
“Well, I’ll stop at your house on the way to the cabin and we’ll talk then. Okay?”
Her tone was confident, and his worries settled, feeling it was a signal that she was being truthful. “That will work.”
After Tyler got off work later that day, he bought dog food on the way home for Ace and went down to the cabin to feed him. Walking inside the cabin without Olivia there brought a measure of uneasiness to him. He felt like he was invading her private space. He made his way straight through the living room and to the kitchen, where the food dish and water bowl sat for Ace. He poured the food into the dish and then put the bag away in the coat closet where they kept the dog food. As he turned to leave the kitchen, he saw a scribble of something on a sticky note on the counter. He almost went to it but stopped short of it. I can’t, he told himself and walked away. Then he leashed Ace and left.
That evening, as he waited at his house for Olivia to show, Ace stayed nestled up to his side on the couch. Tyler patted Ace’s head as he stared at the clock above the fireplace mantle in the living room as it struck nine o’clock. This is maddening, he thought, and rising up from the couch, he went into the kitchen and pulled down his box of assorted teas from the cupboard.
Snatching the bag of chamomile tea, he hoped it’d help settle him down for the night. He warmed a mug of water in the microwave and then steeped the tea in it. As he stirred the tea and sugar, his mind raced. What if she’s with Champ right now? What if she’s hurt? What if she’s high? What if I should’ve waited longer before letting her go back out into the real world? His mind halted suddenly, and he pulled the spoon out of the cup. Trust God. He took his cup of tea and went and sat down at the dining room table. The light above his head illuminated the table and parts of the room, but the shadows from the darkness outside pressed in through the windows. He opened up to God in a real and raw way with his emotions. I don’t want to trust. Trusting and patience aren’t easy, Lord. What’s easy is to worry, to be mad, and to panic. Which I’m doing a swell job of right now! Tyler swallowed a big gulp of his tea. The warmth traveled down his throat. He knew it didn’t matter how his flesh felt in this moment of weakness. The only thing that mattered was what God had to say about it, and he knew he needed to trust Him more than anything right now.
The doorbell rang.
Praise the Lord! Tyler thought as he rose from his seat, leaving his tea at the table.
Chapter 33
OLIVIA WAITED FOR TYLER TO answer the door as she stood on the snow-covered steps of his porch. She was elated by the conversation that had taken place with her father and she couldn’t wait to tell Tyler all about it. When he opened the door, she was confused by the worry she saw in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
Tyler shook his head. “Nothing now. Come in.”
Now? What did that mean? she wondered as she crossed the threshold into his house. As they walked through the foyer and into the living room, she noticed Ace curled up on the couch. Olivia turned to him. “Why’s Ace here? You went into the cabin? And what did ‘nothing now’ mean?”
He held his hands up in defense. “I bought him food. He was out, and I was worried. It was your first time out of the cabin since . . .”
“Go ahead and finish it, Tyler. Since you took me away from the drugs and Champ. Since I became a Christian. You were worried I wouldn’t survive out in the real world.” Olivia’s heart took a strong dive downward at the realization of how Tyler had been feeling. She knew the two of them couldn’t work out. She just wasn’t sure why, and now it was becoming clearer to her. He wouldn’t be able to let go of her past. Sure, she still had some strings holding onto the past, but it was her past, not his, and he’d be stuck in it until he let go. She tossed her purse on the couch and sat down. “Wow, Tyler. So you spent all day worried about me? I guess I’m not the miserable one now.”
“No, listen, I—”
“No, you listen, Tyler.” She paused as he sat down on the couch beside her, and she made sure to look him in the eyes as she continued. “I love what you did for me, for Molly, for my whole family, essentially, but I think God used you for a purpose. To bring me to Him, to the Cross. I don’t think it was for us to get a happily ever after. I just can’t see that happening. These last two weeks of living at the cabin have been wonderful, but it hasn’t been about me and you. It’s been about me and God. It’s God who holds the rank of first in my life, and when that happened two weeks ago, it honestly knocked you out of position.”
Listening quietly, Tyler’s eyes glossed over and he stood up. Walking away, he started to leave the room and Olivia got up and took a step toward him.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to grab my tea. Do you want some?”
“What? Tea? No. I want to finish our conversation. You can go get your tea.” He left the room, and Olivia was left to her own thoughts and feelings for a moment. She was upset he didn’t trust her, but she wasn’t surprised by it in the slightest. She’d had a sneaking suspicion that something like this might happen once she was out from under his watchful eye, but she’d also prayed it wouldn’t. The few moments he was out of the room gave Olivia enough time to realize that Tyler couldn’t simply forget what had happened even though she knew he had forgiven it.
He returned with his tea and sat down on the couch. “Listen, Olivia. I love you, and I want to pursue our relationship now.”
“Tyler, you’re a sweet guy, and I love you too.”
He lit up at her words and she instantly wished to take them back as he had received them incorrectly.
“No, don’t misunderstand me. I know you can’t forget what has happened in the past, and it pains me that any of it ever happened.”
Tyler shook his head, moving closer to her on the couch. “It’s forgotten. You know I forgave you or I wouldn’t ever have been able to take you in and care for you if it were untrue.”
“I know. I don’t doubt your forgiveness. I doubt your ability to trust me.”
“Trust takes time, right?” Tyler shrugged, opening his palms. “We have to give it time, Olivia.”
Olivia reached a hand out and touched the inside of his palm, lowering it. “Listen to me. I need time to love God and to seek after Him. Me and you right now?” Olivia’s lips pressed together to form a thin line and she shook her head lightly. “It can’t be.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then he agreed with a nod. “I’ll wait for you.”
She tipped a sad smile from the corner of her lips. It was a sweet gesture, but she didn’t want that. “No, Tyler. You don’t need to do that. I don’t want you to do that.”
“I know, but I’ve waited for you my whole life, and I can wait a little long
er.”
Olivia hated the hope she could see in his eyes and sense in his words. She didn’t want this to be painful, yet that’s exactly what it had become. “I can’t promise you anything at all.”
“You don’t need to. I’ll be here when you’re ready. How’d it go with your dad?” He asked, shifting the topic.
“He was forgiving and happy to discuss my newfound faith in the Lord. He also gave me this cool bookmark.” Reaching over to her purse, she pulled it close and retrieved it, handing it to Tyler to inspect. “Emergency Bible Verses. Kind of a neat little thing, isn’t it?”
“Wow, that is cool.” He handed it back. “So it went well?”
“Yes, it went better than I could’ve imagined. Honestly, I was terrified about meeting with him. I wasn’t sure if it was another lecture or a sentencing hearing to send me to Hell for my misdeeds of the past. But I guess he went to a men’s conference a few days back, and they talked about the importance of true forgiveness and how our decisions affect our families. He didn’t realize how bad he was until he heard about himself on stage from another man. Some guy talked about how he had mistreated his own daughter so badly that she’d ended up committing suicide. It really had a profound impact on him. Anyway, it was a good dinner and our relationship is on the mend now.”
“Praise the Lord! That’s great news, Olivia.”
“It gets better! Next week, starting on Sunday at their church, they want me to start going with them and I’ll be able to see Molly for a few minutes after service while we’re having coffee and donuts.”
“Wow!” Tyler’s eyes went wide.
Olivia thought of how she and Tyler had been spending every Sunday together at Crosspoint and Wednesday nights with the youth. “I hope Daisy and Carson and even you will be okay without my being there.”
“We’ll get along just fine, Olivia. Truly, everybody will be thrilled to know you’re back to seeing your daughter and taking the correct steps to move forward. I wouldn’t worry about it for a second.”
As exhaustion crept in, the pain in her hand started in again with it. Olivia took it as a cue to go home.
“I need to get to bed. I’m exhausted.”
“All right.” Tyler stood up with her and walked her to the door. They embraced in a long hug.
“Thank you for being understanding about the whole friendship thing between us.”
“You’re welcome, Olivia. I never did any of this just to make you mine. That wasn’t my intention then, and it’s not my intention now.”
She smiled and beckoned Ace to join her. He sauntered from beside Tyler to her, then she headed out to the car. Tyler shut the door as she walked away. Her heart radiated with a mixture of feelings. On one hand, she loved the man for all that he had done and she wanted to be with him forever, but on the other hand, she knew this was what was best for her.
Over the days that followed, Olivia saw very little of Tyler. He stopped coming over for dinner and his lights were out every evening when she arrived home from school. She almost sent a text or called him on several occasions but resisted the urge, knowing that he most likely needed time to process and accept the new reality that existed for the two of them. It hurt Olivia that they weren’t even on speaking terms now, but she used all her extra time and energy to pour herself into the Scriptures and her final weeks of school.
On Saturday morning, she woke to the sound of what sounded like a chainsaw outside her window. Spooked by the sound, she stood up and went to her bedroom window. She spotted Tyler sawing up a tree not more than a few feet away. Hurrying through the cabin, she put a coat and a pair of winter boots on and headed outside.
“What are you doing? It’s Saturday morning, Tyler!”
He shut off the chainsaw and stared blankly at her for a moment. “What?”
“What’s going on? What are you doing?”
“I’m cutting up a tree. Isn’t that kind of obvious?” Tyler smirked, clearly amused at how frazzled she looked.
She furrowed her eyebrows, putting her hands on her hips. “Don’t be rude to me.”
“I need more firewood for my place so I figured I’d take this tree.”
“Right by my window when I get to sleep in this one day of the week?”
He laughed. “Just a coincidence. I had no idea it’s your only day, and I’m sorry about it.”
“Just stop it, please?”
“I’m already done, so okay.”
Olivia trekked through the snow back to the front of the cabin and went in. Taking off her coat, she hung it up and returned to the warm covers on her bed. Glancing at the clock, she knew she could steal at least a couple more hours of sleep before she met up with Rachel in the city for lunch. As she drifted in and out of sleep, she could hear Tyler bring the truck around to the side of the house. Then she heard the sound of a chain jingling. She pulled a pillow over her head to block out the sound.
A couple of hours later, she woke up confused at first and then jumped out of bed and went to the window. He was gone, and she felt a twinge of dissatisfaction over that fact. It had been the first time she had seen him in days, and all she had done was yell at him for something he didn’t even know about. If she wanted a civil relationship with Tyler, she hadn’t done a very good job at making that apparent during the little interaction she had with him. Feeling awful as she got dressed, she decided to stop by his house on her way to town.
She gave the door a few solid knocks, but there was no answer. She peered in through the living room window and could see the television was on, then the channel changed. She knocked again, this time harder. Still no answer. Having had enough of his ignoring her, she grabbed the doorknob and walked inside.
“How dare you ignore me!” She headed through the foyer toward the living room as she continued, her heart beating wildly in her chest. “Here I am, coming over to apologize, and you can’t even answer the door?”
She stopped cold in her steps and speech as she came around the corner to see Tyler on the couch, sprawled out with a bloodied gash on his forehead. Her heart trembled.
“What happened?” Her voice softened as she approached him.
“Just go, Olivia. I didn’t answer because I didn’t want this to happen. I don’t want you worried about me. I’m fine.” He looked worn out, the earlier smirk gone and, in its place, sadness.
Bending her knee, she inspected it closer and saw dirt in it. “You need it cleaned out. Where do you keep the antiseptic?”
“What?” He looked at Olivia, appearing to gauge what she was getting at.
“Hydrogen peroxide, Tyler?”
“Cupboard next to the sink. You don’t have to do this.”
“Hush.” Leaving him, she went into the kitchen and pulled the bottle down from the cupboard. Then, she grabbed one over-sized bandage and took a paper towel from the roll on the counter. She went back to the living room. As she bent down and started to clean the wound, she asked again, “What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What are you hiding from me?” Olivia patted his wound with the paper towel a little firmer.
“Ouch!” He clenched his jaw, then relaxed. “Fine. I slipped on a piece of ice and overcorrected so I wouldn’t hit more ice and ended up slamming my head into a section of the tree hanging off the bed of the truck.”
She smiled. “Serves you right, coming down so early in the morning and waking me up.”
Laughing, he peered into her eyes, catching her gaze, and her heart flinched. He held her gaze with his, affection radiating in his look. “How’d I know you would say something like that?”
Olivia smiled again and finished cleaning his forehead, then she put the bandage on over it. As she rose up from the couch, she had a feeling come over her that made her want to stay. She knew that’d send him the wrong message, though, and she turned to leave, but he caught her arm, stopping her.
His eyes peered up at her, touching the very fabric of her soul
. “What if you stayed?”
Her heart pounded, and warmth radiated from the center of her chest, covering her from head to toe. She bent a knee down and peered into his eyes. “What if I did? Then what, Tyler? You’d take care me? You and I would get married and live out here on the lake? I can’t do that, and I’m sorry.”
She leaned over, kissed him gently on the lips and then rose to her feet and left.
Chapter 34
AS OLIVIA WALKED INTO THE fellowship hall the next day on Sunday to join her parents for coffee and donuts, her gaze fell on her daughter, Molly. Her heart finally felt whole again, and tears flowed down her cheeks as she stared at her little girl sitting perched on her mother’s hip. She had been waiting for this moment for months, but then again, it had been years in the making. She knew she could love her child in a new and full way, like never before, not because of her own strength, but because of the strength of God she now relied on. Molly was young enough that she’d never have to remember her mom before God saved her, and that brought Olivia a measure of comfort.
Coming closer, Olivia recognized the heartbreaking truth of how much Molly had grown since she’d seen her last, and it tore at Olivia’s heart. It wasn’t only the drugs that kept her from her daughter, but also her own decisions. She chose drugs before Champ ever jammed that needle into her arm, and worst of all, she chose to stay with him after he did. One of the biggest moments Olivia had missed was when Molly learned to crawl. Her mother had informed her almost immediately when they began speaking on the phone that Molly had crawled across the carpet to Papa. It broke her then, and it broke her now.
She fought the tears back and wiped her cheeks, then Kora turned and handed Molly to Olivia. She held Molly close to her chest, kissing her all over her face, wanting to never let go of her or that moment. As she held her baby, Molly began to cry.
Holding her out from her chest, she shook her head. “What’s wrong?”