Southern Girl

by Lukas,Renee J.

  “Hi!” she chirped, much too awake for eleven o’clock at night.

  “How did it go?” her dad asked. He was always propped up in his leather recliner when Ivy had a date and would likely do the same with Jess. He put down his handwritten notes for the next day’s sermon and removed his glasses.

  “Okay.” Jess made her way toward the stairs.

  “Wait a minute,” he called. “I like that he got you back on time. Seems like a nice boy.”

  “He is,” she answered, almost reluctantly and with a touch of guilt.

  “Do you like him?” Her mom cut right to the chase.

  Over the years her mother had mentioned the name Abilene Thornbush more than once, though usually not in a good way. She seemed especially interested in how things had gone. Jess shook her head, knowing she’d go through a similar interrogation at school on Monday, if not before. Everyone was more excited about her date than she was.

  “I don’t know.” Jess shrugged and started upstairs. She couldn’t wait to get to her room to unzip and unbutton the smell of him.

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?” her mother pressed.

  “She doesn’t know yet,” her dad said. “Let her relax.” He picked up his notebook again and resumed writing.

  When Jess reached the top of the stairs, she overheard her parents.

  “I know you’d be happy if she never dated,” her mom said. “But you can’t keep both our daughters like the Virgin Mary.”

  There was a rustling sound; he’d closed his notebook. “She’s got plenty of time. What’s the rush?”

  There was a long pause. Jess couldn’t make out her mother’s response, if there was one. She decided she probably didn’t want to know.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The highlight of Jess’s day had become seeing what new outfit Stephanie was wearing or if she seemed to be having a good day or not. She had never thought of herself as a stalker, but she was increasingly acting like one. Having discovered where Stephanie’s locker was, she monitored it regularly, moving in the shadows, always out of sight, to catch a glimpse of her whenever she was there. Waiting at the base of the stairs after third period and fifth period and then after last period. Waiting and watching.

  When Jess saw her for the first time in the morning, she felt a strange, excited quiver in her chest. She’d smile to herself as though she knew a secret no one else did, one she didn’t dare share. She’d carry it with her all day, a rush of elation that she kept to herself. She knew it was strange, this happiness, so she protected it like a treasured piece of jewelry of the kind that girls kept in special boxes with a secret key to open them. She didn’t worry about her feelings, not yet, because she could place them in this special box in her mind and no one else had to know about them.

  Sometimes just the recollection of Stephanie’s face as she turned to smile at someone, even if it was only her profile, the line of her jaw or the tumble of her hair down her shoulders—the picture in Jess’s memory could spark so much excitement she couldn’t contain it. The secret box in her mind would open, her feelings spilling out with a smile that lit up her face. If anyone asked her what she was grinning about, she’d say, “Oh, somebody just told me something. Inside joke.”

  Jess would see millions of things in her lifetime, but up to this point, none of them had held as much fascination for her as even a fleeting glimpse of this girl, of something as simple as her morning smile.

  She wasn’t prepared, though, for what she was seeing on this rainy morning. Stephanie wore her hair the same way every day, straight and resting on her shoulders. Today, though, it was resting on a green and white football jacket, and Mike Austin—a running back or wide receiver, Jess didn’t know which and didn’t care. She also didn’t care that he was a classically handsome boy with dark blond hair and a cleft in his chin. Yes, he’d have one of the better-looking yearbook pictures, but so what? He was leaning against Stephanie’s locker as if he owned it.

  Then he put his arm around her like he owned her too!

  I knew her first.

  A veil of darkness descended. Seeing Mike’s arm around Stephanie was too much for Jess to bear. It triggered her own feelings of possessiveness. And resentment, too, at the fact that she couldn’t fit into Stephanie’s life the way he could. On some level, she knew that her feelings made her different, that she didn’t make sense in Stephanie’s life. Mike Austin was a boy. Stephanie was a girl. There was no room for the girl who tried to give her flowers at the river, who couldn’t talk to Stephanie in the cafeteria like a normal person.

  The crushing embarrassment of those moments flooded back, and she headed for the doors, for fresh air, vowing not to go back to Stephanie’s locker again.

  “Hey, weirdo!” her brother’s familiar voice called behind her.

  “Not now, Danny.” She brushed her hand under her nose quickly, trying to look as though she had a slight sniffle, and turned slowly on her heel. His timing couldn’t have been worse.

  “You cryin’?”

  “No,” she barked. “It’s you. You smell like sawdust. I think I’m allergic to it.”

  Why did he have to show up today of all days? He was a senior and most of his classes were in the back of the school, in the Industrial Arts extension that smelled like wood. He was preparing for a career in woodworking, last she’d heard. He and their dad had had a big argument when the school had encouraged him to take more vocational courses. So far, this new curriculum didn’t seem to be going much better for him than the English and math classes he had been failing. His life was a constant battle between what others wanted for him and what he wanted for himself. Jess knew she should be sympathetic, but she had problems of her own. Bigger ones. Especially today.

  Before she could turn away, Danny grabbed on to her shoulder. “I don’t usually do stuff like this, but your boy Alex has got it bad.” He handed her a folded note.

  She slowly took the crinkled paper from her brother. Since she knew how rarely he washed his jeans, she didn’t much care for the idea of touching something that had been in his pocket. “All right, thanks.” She glanced around, as if they’d just made some secret exchange, and went on to her own locker to read it. Jess scanned a few lines and felt her stomach start to churn. The note was a gooey declaration of what a great time Alex had had on their date. She stuffed it into her own pocket and forgot about it.

  “Mike Austin Day”—the name which Jess eventually gave it—got no better as it went on. When she wasn’t torturing herself by recalling the vision of Mike taking ownership of Stephanie, she was trying to concentrate in classes where the teachers all sounded like the Peanuts teacher: “Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.”

  In the cafeteria, she snuck a few glances at Stephanie and the cheerleader table. She hadn’t exactly welcomed her old friend back, she realized. After that first awkward day, she’d never really spoken to her, even to say a quick hello. And she always sat with her own friends at lunch. Stephanie might have decided she was not interested in renewing their friendship—or that she was just plain rude.

  “Jess! Wake up!” Kelly slapped her on the hand. “Fran said she saw you and Alex.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Jess looked up from her corned beef and cheese sandwich and found the faces of half the basketball team staring at her.

  “You’ve got to spill it, girl,” Kelly insisted. “What was he like?”

  The cheese was so melted it was liquefied. Jess looked at her fingers, which were covered in cheesy orange residue.

  “Y’all looked sooo cute!” Fran added. Then she turned to the other girls. “His hair was parted on the side, like he was tryin’ to look extra good.”

  They swooned in unison and possibly in harmony. It wasn’t long before the whooping died down and all eyes were once again fixed on Jess. If only she had something to say. If only she cared about the topic…If only she could fully wipe the cheese off her hands.

  “That movie should’ve been X-rated,” Jess finall
y said.

  The bewilderment on Kelly’s face—on all their faces—was immediate. Jess apparently had begun speaking in tongues, and nobody could understand her.

  “You don’t go to the movies to watch the dang movie,” Kelly said.

  “Oh, I know,” Jess responded, a quick save. “It was just gross.”

  “What about Alex?” asked Lisa Kelger, another teammate.

  “He was great,” Jess answered.

  “Well, of course, but like, how great?” Lisa was the Southern Valley Girl of the group, with bleached blond hair and plenty of attitude.

  “No,” Kelly barked at Jess. “You’re not going to do your ‘I’m too good to tell y’all details’ thing. You have to dish a little.” She used a similar tone as if she were begging Jess to donate blood for her.

  Jess shrugged, amazed by their reactions. “You know.” She was embarrassed. “We kissed, you know.”

  More shrieks. Jess had become a rock star.

  “That is so freakin’ cute,” Lisa said.

  “They were real cute,” Fran confirmed importantly. After all, she was the only one to have witnessed them hanging out together outside of school.

  Next, Jess was flooded with questions.

  “Is he a good kisser?”

  If you like suction cups.

  “Are you going out again?”

  “Is it serious?”

  Jess shrugged again and again. “We’ll see. I don’t know.”

  “How do you not know?” Kelly was unrelenting.

  “He was a gentleman,” Jess said. “I liked that.” When she found some truth, she could be more honest.

  “I think y’all make the best couple at school,” Fran declared, to the immediate displeasure of Kelly, judging from the frown that flashed across her face. Kelly probably thought it was okay for Jess and Alex to be a cute couple, but not cuter than she and Bryan “Paste Eater” Preston.

  The next time Jess went to her locker she found Alex waiting there for her. Odd. She never thought of him when he wasn’t around or when her friends weren’t asking about him. She made a mental note to never, ever tell him that. He had called several times after their date, but she’d told Ivy, who usually picked up the upstairs phone, to say she was in the shower or had already gone to bed. Ivy was always running to grab the phone in the hope that it was Cobb.

  “You get my note?” Alex asked, sounding somewhat flustered.

  “Yeah.” She smiled weakly. “It was sweet.”

  He seemed relieved, though still a little off-balance. “I wasn’t sure your brother would help me out. He kinda gave me a hard time first, so…”

  “That’s Danny. I’d never give him anything personal again.” She opened her locker.

  “You don’t trust him?”

  “Hell, no,” she said. “He’s my brother.”

  Alex smiled. “Yeah, I don’t tell my little brother anything.”

  “He’s real little, though, right?” She thought he was in kindergarten or some age when he was still putting toys in his mouth.

  “He’s ten.”

  “Oh.” Jess dropped one of her books and dove down to get it before he could play the gallant gentleman. When she rose to her feet, she bumped against him. He was so close he was practically on top of her. Having him hover over her, watching everything she was doing, was annoying.

  “How you been?” Alex asked, seriously.

  “Fine.”

  “Did you have a good time the other night?”

  She thought a moment. “I thought it was kinda raunchy,” she replied, closing her locker.

  It took him a while to realize she was talking about the movie. She could see the change on his face, turning from pale to bright red, as he figured it out.

  “Oh, yeah.” He laughed. “I was thinkin’,” he said, “wonderin’ if you wanted to go out again sometime.”

  She winced as she tucked the textbook into her locker. Would going out again mean more of the suction cup?

  “I don’t know,” she said.

  “We could see a better movie.” His eyes were twinkling, his gaze so obvious, it was clear that anything less than a yes would crush him.

  Jess could be clumsy, careless. She could be accidentally insensitive. But she was never deliberately cruel. She was trying to figure out a way to let him down gently, but then the image of Stephanie wearing Mike’s green and white football jacket reared its ugly head.

  “All right.” There was a pang of guilt; of course she was leading him on. But the memory of Stephanie in that guy’s jacket…She too was a girl, Jess rationalized. Why couldn’t she go out with a boy the way Stephanie did? Why couldn’t she…

  “This Saturday?”

  She sighed. “I don’t know yet. I’ll get back to you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Jess caught glimpses of autumn through the church windows, colors dotting the hills behind the building. Every fall in Tennessee was like stepping into a painting. On the road to their house, they passed a maple tree that turned a brilliant, blazing red every year. Jess wondered, if trees had feelings, how could that tree stand to stifle its brilliant color the rest of the whole year and only get to show off once, for a brief time? Maybe that was the point. It meant more because it didn’t last as long.

  Today Jess sat scrunched between Ivy and her mother in the front row, as usual. She sulked in her nicest shirt and khaki pants, which were stiff and scratchy. It was a small victory to have gotten her parents to allow her to wear a pair of pants as long as they were “nice” ones. But gratitude wasn’t what she was feeling today. She glanced around the church, wishing everyone would hurry to their seats so everything would be over sooner.

  Just like when she was a child, Jess didn’t feel close to God in church. Or spiritual. No matter how much her father yelled about God’s love from the pulpit, she couldn’t feel it. Sometimes, though, she’d catch a glimpse of God in a sunset, in the light that trickled down through the green of the woods when she was brave enough to venture there or while she was gazing at her New England calendar with its photographs of rocky shores and lighthouses. She could imagine God was in those places.

  She couldn’t believe, though, that God was interested in watching all the people who were jousting to sit in Abilene Thornbush’s row, even though many in the congregation appeared to be doing just that. Every Sunday the matriarch of the Thornbush clan showed up cloaked in Christian Dior, dripping with diamonds and her head crowned by tightly permed white hair. She only shopped in Nashville, because Greens Fork stores were apparently not good enough for her. And yet local merchants were always falling over themselves to cozy up to her on the off chance she might set foot in one of their shops.

  Then there were her minions, the older ladies who were in Abilene’s cooking club, all trying to fit themselves into her row. They all had matching blue hair.

  “Here comes the Smurf Club,” Jess whispered to her mother, who behind her “shush” actually smiled. She hated those women too. Jess knew she did.

  The main reason she hated Abilene, of course, was because of her mother. She’d been a longtime member of the cooking club, but the crusty old goat was never nice enough to her. She also didn’t like the way Abilene could throw an insult like a dart, before you even noticed you’d been hit. One summer, when Jess got her hair cut, after church Abilene came over to her, wrinkled her nose, and said, “You do somethin’ different with your hair?”

  “Yeah,” Jess had answered. “I got it cut.”

  “Oh, that’s what it is,” the old lady smirked. “For a moment I thought you were your brother.” Then she smiled and walked away.

  Since then, whenever Jess saw Abilene, she prayed her future self wouldn’t resemble her in any way. In fact, she’d rather die young than grow up to be an old prune like her.

  As Jess scanned Abilene’s row with a disgusted, yet fascinated, sneer, her eyes suddenly met Alex’s. She almost didn’t recognize him. He looked nice in his navy suit and
tie, but his lowering eyes and lost face were those of a kicked puppy that had been tossed out into the rain. Then she remembered—she was supposed to have gotten back to him about going to the movies that weekend and she never had. She chastised herself. She had been too wrapped up in her own inner drama to remember to give him a call.

  She quickly turned back to the pulpit and hung her head in shame. It was easy to imagine that every person depicted in the stained glass windows—especially Jesus—was frowning at her, mad at the way she’d slighted Alex.

  She snuck a last glance in his direction and found him still looking at her. Staring, actually. Just beyond him, though, were gray eyes, Stephanie’s, and they were looking back at her. She was seated in the back row on the opposite side of the church. She wore a silky red shirt that Jess had never seen her wear in school, and next to her was her mother. Arlene Greer hadn’t changed much from what Jess remembered. She was a little older, a little more tired looking. Where was her dad? What were they doing here? Her family wasn’t religious, or they hadn’t been when she knew them.

  Jess’s heart began to pound. There was no longer any place in town where she was safe from potentially awkward encounters with Stephanie. The discovery left her breathless and fearful that she might pass out. She turned back to the front, her body filling with heat.

  A New England ocean in the winter—that’s what Stephanie’s eyes reminded her of. The gray and tumbling Atlantic right before a storm, so dark and deep, filled with secrets…She smiled a little to herself, wiping the grin off her face when she noticed a scowling Jesus on the window, silently admonishing her. Heat spread up to her neck and face. She was a boiling cauldron.

  Not that her sister or mother noticed. Her mother was flipping through the hymnal in search of the page that contained the opening hymn. And on the other side of Jess, Ivy was again writing her initials and those of Cobb, an activity she never seemed to grow tired of.

  Jess envied Ivy for what seemed to be the simplicity of her life—being a girl who wore dresses voluntarily, who had a crush on a boy. It would be easy to live that kind of life. There was a template for it, one that everyone accepted. She wished her life could be that straightforward. In the next instant a fleeting thought, a demon angel, passed through her body with incredible force, warning her that her life would not be uncomplicated—and that somehow she was going to have to learn to be okay with that.