“If I had a gender bias, as you’re implying, I wouldn’t have named our daughter Jesse,” he argued.
“I named her that, if you recall!”
Jess’s eyes widened as she pressed her ear to the wall. This was getting interesting…
“You said,” her mother began, “and I quote: ‘Too bad it’s a girl because I wanted to honor my granddad, but his name was Jesse.’ I convinced you it was a unisex name. I had to find you an example of a woman named Jesse. That’s the only way you agreed to name her that.”
Silence.
After a few minutes, Jess heard her father say quietly, “I’m proud of our son. No matter what he does.”
“I’m proud of him too.” There was a noticeable reserve in her mother’s voice.
“I never realized what a snob you are.”
The exchange frightened Jess, but not as much as the long silence that followed. She kept waiting to hear something else, but there was nothing. A coldness settled in the pit of her stomach. Fortunately, she wasn’t throwing up anymore, because this day of all days would have made her sick.
Minutes later, Ivy called down the hall. “Jess! Stephanie’s on the phone for you!”
“I can’t talk!” she yelled back.
A minute later, Jess’s bedroom door cracked open and Ivy poked her head in. She clearly was not going to let her have any peace. “Jess…”
Tears fell down Jess’s cheeks until Ivy realized it wasn’t a good time to talk. Jess simply shook her head.
“I can’t, okay?” Jess managed. “I’ll tell you later. But not now…”
“Okay,” Ivy said, “but I’m tired of playing your secretary on the phone!”
“Could you give it a rest?”
“Really, Jess? You know how awful it was, havin’ to sit there at supper and lie for you?”
“You didn’t have to say anything.”
“Yeah, but I know why you broke up with him.”
“Don’t you dare get all high and mighty, the way you snuck out with Cobb all summer.” Jess sat up. “Oh yeah, I knew. But I don’t care, so don’t you give me a hard time!”
“Shh!” Ivy’s face was suddenly whiter than a sheep’s. “Does anyone else know? Does Danny know?” No one trusted him to keep a secret.
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, thanks.” Ivy’s tone was much more agreeable. She backed out of the room and closed the door, leaving her sister alone.
When Jess managed to calm herself down, she wiped away her last tear and played Crystal Gayle in the dark.
Chapter Forty-Five
Jess’s father never swore when she and her siblings were small. When they got older, each of them got the “damn” adjective. With Danny, it was that “damn music” when he invited his friends to play in the garage for the first—and last—time. With Ivy, it was that “damn Wallace boy.” Their dad blamed himself for their living so far out in the country. It was the only time anyone ever heard a twinge of regret about that and the fear that Ivy wasn’t getting enough of a chance to meet different types of men.
Jess never heard what he said about her, although she imagined it was that “damn basketball.” When her mother pressed him, he couldn’t explain his less than enthusiastic reaction to the sport she loved.
Once, though, when Jess was folding laundry, one of her after-school chores, her father had come in on the pretense of asking her how her day was. Since he didn’t usually seek her out to ask about that, she knew he’d had an ulterior motive. It wasn’t long before she found out what it was. Somehow, the conversation came around to her greater purpose in life.
“You were the Miracle Baby,” he reminded her. “Surely you’ll have a higher calling than throwin’ a ball into a hoop.”
She’d cringed at the way he diminished her sport with his clumsy words. “It’s about more than that,” she said quietly, already feeling defeated and deciding there was no point in arguing with him.
“Oh, I’m sure there’s more to it,” he said as if he were on her side. “Maybe, though, you can also lecture around the country about real-life miracles, since you yourself were one. It’d be a shame in the eyes of God not to share your miracle.”
Great. He brought God into it. There’s no arguing with God…
Never mind that public speaking made her sick. He’d forget about anything that might be inconvenient for him. Whether or not he’d ever acknowledge it, she didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. He’d continued talking, but she’d stopped listening. He had a way of coaxing others into doing things they didn’t want to do and making them feel like it was their choice. If there was a fork in the road, and her dad wanted to go left while the other person wanted to go right, he would say, “I believe there’s a steep drop-off on the right, but you do what you want. It’s up to you.” His subtle manipulation fooled almost everyone, but not her. She wouldn’t let him do that to her.
Of course, if the manipulation didn’t work, it would be, “Jesus cries every time you don’t fold the towels in thirds.” It was always hard to argue with Jesus. But Jess would think of how Jesus surely had more important things to worry about than their laundry, though she wouldn’t dare say that.
The next day at breakfast, there was no resolution to the previous night’s argument with Danny. He wouldn’t sit at the table. He started out in a hurry, grabbed an energy bar and ran out of the house before their mother had a chance to talk to him. It was clear he was intent on going down his own path, whether she liked it or not.
Jess was aware of the drama going on, but she was too consumed by her own anxiety to care. She picked at her waffle, sitting alone at the table. Ivy was still upstairs, sleeping late because her classes didn’t start for a while.
When it was clear Jess wasn’t going to finish her breakfast before the bus came, her mother took her plate. “You want to tell me what’s wrong?”
Jess shook her head.
“Is it Alex?”
“No.” She started to get up, but her mother joined her at the table.
Uh-oh. She wants to have an Afterschool Special moment.
“I want you to know,” she began, “whatever is going on, it probably seems like the end of the world right now. But in the big scheme of things, it’s not as important as you think.”
“Yeah.” Jess offered a slight smile and grabbed her backpack. Her mother’s words might have been true with virtually anything else. But this…if she only knew.
Chapter Forty-Six
“I wouldn’t call it blackmail,” Kelly said, filing her nails in study hall.
Jess had decided that she had to use reason with the snake, especially after yesterday. But it became quickly apparent that Kelly was not going to be reasoned with.
“You’re not holding me hostage forever,” Jess whispered. “I’ll do one thing for you, and that’s it.”
“You’re not really in a position to be calling the shots, are you?” The snake was fully exposed with her beady eyes and sharp tongue.
“How was I ever friends with you?”
“You don’t need a friend. You need a shrink.”
Jess sneered at her and went to another table.
Shortly after, Fran sat down beside Kelly. She seemed confused. It was clear she was asking Kelly what was going on. Kelly would eventually tell her, Jess knew, but not today, not with her watching. Kelly gave Fran a short answer and her mouth didn’t fall open, so Jess assumed her secret was not yet revealed.
Minutes later, Fran came over to Jess’s table. She opened a book to pretend to be studying. Ms. Minnie Marshall, who was blind in one eye and possibly mostly in the other, couldn’t tell who was really studying or not. She had an impossible job. She sat at the desk in front and tried to keep restless teens from talking to each other. She’d been at Greens Fork High since Jesus walked the earth.
“What’s going on with you and Kelly?” Fran whispered without looking at Jess.
“Don’t ask.” Jess tried again to
scratch out a note for Stephanie. But after four drafts, nothing seemed appropriate.
“Come on,” Fran whispered. “She’s not sitting with you, you won’t sit with her…you almost killed her at practice…”
“I did not!”
“Quiet!” Ms. Marshall rose to her feet and leaned unsteadily against the desk. She scanned the class to see where the noises were coming from.
A couple of girls who were notorious for smoking in the bathroom lit a match in the back row. Ms. Marshall had expelled two of their friends—and they wanted to see how much they could get away with just for spite.
The odor of burning matches floated swiftly through the classroom. “All right, y’all. What’s that I smell? Y’all better not be smoking. Remember what I said. No smokin’, drinkin’ or drugs. They’re a path of destruction that will lead you straight to death. And hell.”
The girls in the back finally blew out the matches in response to the silent glares of peer pressure. A minute more, and the sprinklers might have gone off.
“I mean it!” Ms. Marshall roared. “I expelled two of y’all! I’ll do it again! Your future is on the line!”
“Hey, look,” Jess said quietly to Fran. “I’m sorry about the stuff the coach said, but it’s not my fault.”
“Course not,” Fran said. “You are the best player. Is that what this is about? Kelly can’t handle it? I got news for her. Whenever she gets the ball, she chokes. She freakin’ chokes!”
“Promise me you won’t listen to her,” Jess whispered. “No matter what she says.”
“Okay.” Fran seemed concerned and confused. It obviously disrupted her world to see two of her friends not speaking to each other.
“Thanks.” Jess gathered her books and waited for the bell to ring. Maybe she’d find a better friend in Fran—though, of course, that wouldn’t last after Kelly opened her mouth. Even the nicest girls in school would turn on her if word got out that she was queer, as they’d say it. And Kelly would probably find it impossible to keep her little lip-glossed trap shut.
* * *
“Can we meet in the library after fifth period? I need to talk to you. – S”
Jess made sure to rip the note into tiny shreds, not that it mattered much now. She glanced around, over her shoulder, expecting to see probing eyes. But there were none. She took a deep breath. She could only imagine what Stephanie must have thought—not to get the usual note from her today after she had written those words yesterday…she must have feared that she’d crossed some sort of line. Jess wanted so much to put her at ease, but she had to be careful. It would be disastrous if Kelly and her minions saw the two of them together, especially with the new information that had been brought to light.
* * *
Jess took a circuitous route to the library before she’d have to go to the gym for sixth period basketball practice. She kept checking over her shoulder to make sure no one was following her. Once inside, she wandered the aisles until she found a shelf across from Stephanie on the opposite side. They each pretended to be looking at books while talking in hushed tones through a space on the shelf.
“Why are we doing this?” Stephanie whispered. “Is this an undercover mission?”
“Kelly read your note,” Jess said bluntly, quietly.
“No!”
Jess inhaled painfully. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I should’ve taken it out of there.”
“I’m sorry,” Stephanie whispered. “I should never have put it in writing.”
“It’s not your fault.” Jess looked sadly at the spine of To Kill a Mockingbird. It had the typical old smell of a classic, with thick pages that showed browning corners. She moved it to the side to get a better look at Stephanie.
Her brow was lowered, her eyes filled with fear. No doubt her mind was flooded with all the worries Jess had already had time to consider and go over in great detail since last night.
“So what now?” Stephanie asked.
“She says she’ll keep quiet about our secret as long as I do something for her. But I don’t trust her. The girl’s got a mouth like a blow horn.”
Stephanie sighed. “I wish I never wrote it.”
“What?” Jess reached through the shelf to hold her hand. “I’m glad you wrote it.”
“I meant, put it in writing.”
“Oh.” Jess released her hand, looking down.
Once again, they’d been plunged into unknown territory.
Stephanie’s eyes caught the light, suddenly flashing with ideas. “You’re still goin’ out with Alex, right?”
It seemed an odd question at a time like this. “No,” Jess said. “I broke it off.”
“Get back together.”
“What?” Jess was hurt. “How can you say that? After what you wrote me? What about Mike?”
“As long as you have a boyfriend, and I’m still with Mike, no one will believe her even if she does talk.” The way Stephanie explained it, Jess could tell she thought it was a brilliant idea.
But Jess didn’t like it. It wasn’t fair to Alex. Or Mike. It was a nice bulletproof vest against Kelly, though.
“I know it seems mean,” Stephanie whispered. “But what other options do we have?”
“I guess you’re right.”
There was a pause. Then Stephanie said, “We can’t be seen talkin’ or hangin’ out together for a while.”
Jess was heartbroken. How could Stephanie be so calculating, so callous about everything? Their not seeing each other would kill her. At the very least, it should kill Stephanie too. At least.
As Jess prepared to leave the library, she heard Stephanie whisper, “Jess?”
She walked back to their bookshelf.
“What did you think?” Stephanie asked. “About what I said?”
Jess’s heart started to pound with that familiar mix of terror and exhilaration. “I’m glad you said it.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
When she got off the bus that afternoon, she saw her dad’s light blue, rusted pickup in the driveway. Danny must not have had to work today. She came inside the house and immediately heard an argument. Her father was holding a nearly empty toilet paper roll, standing at the doorway of the downstairs bathroom near the stairs, blocking her brother from going up to his room.
“I forgot, okay!” Danny was annoyed.
“You left this,” her dad told him, “not because you forgot, but because you’re too lazy to put a new one on for the next person.”
“Okay, fine.” Danny rolled his eyes.
Dan held up the roll with one square still clinging to it. “Do you think this is enough for another person?” His voice was eerily calm, so Jess could tell he was especially angry. “You see, it’s not about the toilet paper. It’s a pattern. You don’t like to do work of any kind, no matter how small.”
Danny had had enough lecturing. He tried to start for the stairs, but their father immediately grabbed him by the collar and shoved him hard against the wall.
Jess watched wide-eyed from the kitchen, hiding herself behind the frame of an arch that led to the living room. She decided not to make her presence known yet.
“As it says in Thessalonians,” Dan continued calmly while pinning her brother against the wall, “if anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.”
Danny looked like a rag doll, his body flopping against the wallpaper. It was a scene Jess would never forget. If her mother was home, she didn’t see her anywhere. She wanted to break this up, but as much as she hated to admit it, she was afraid of her father. She kept looking around for her mother or sister.
“And your room,” her father continued, “is a festering hellhole with potato chip bags and probably a million bugs that you’re too lazy to kill. So I’ll tell you what. You won’t have supper tonight, and you can feast on the chip crumbs in any of them bags you find around your room. Understood?”
Danny shrugged. Not the wisest move, but then again, he was never good at staying out of trouble.
/>
“Nothing?”
At that moment, Jess shuffled in.
“Hey,” she said, as if just walking in on them. She had to get through the living room to go upstairs, and she hoped her presence would defuse the situation.
Her father, seeing her, quickly let go of his son, who fell against the bottom stair and struggled to get his bearings.
She watched her dad go out the front door, letting it slam behind him.
She caught Danny’s eye roll on the staircase as he continued up. “What was that about?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” he said, then slammed the door to his bedroom so hard it sounded as if it would come off its hinges.
The whole thing seemed to be about so much more than toilet paper. Maybe their mother’s concerns about the company Danny had been keeping, the pointing out of sexism in the way Danny was treated…maybe it all had come to a head between their parents while the kids had been at school. There had to be something more bothering her father; Jess refused to believe this wasn’t about something bigger.
She settled into her room, sitting on her bed and unzipping her backpack. Her father’s hands gripping Danny’s shoulder kept flashing in front of her. She’d begun to see her father differently in the past year or so, and this latest scene caused some deep-rooted feelings to surface. She’d always had questions about the roles of women and men in the household, but her father’s constant need to control and the way he masqueraded as a polite minister when you could tell he was ready to blow—it was beginning to create uneasy, conflicting emotions in her.
Later that night, Jess interrupted Ivy while she was studying in her room. She filled her in on the day’s drama. “That’s why he wasn’t allowed to have dinner,” Jess explained.
“It’s about time they did something,” Ivy said.
“You agree with them?”
“Hell, yeah. He’s the laziest person in the world. Don’t you notice? He thinks he’s gonna marry some girl who’s gonna wait on him while he doesn’t have to do anything. He’s in for a rude awakening.”
Southern Girl Page 22