That was a parent’s term—“rude awakening.” Jess smiled at Ivy for saying it. She sounded like a mother.
Of course Jess wouldn’t share some of her growing questions about their father. Whenever she expressed frustration, Ivy would spout off about not “honoring thy parents,” and Jess would roll her eyes, promptly ending the conversation.
Before returning to her own room, Jess knocked on Danny’s door. She’d brought him some contraband from dinner, a half of a baked potato that she’d slipped into the napkin in her lap when nobody was looking.
“Thanks,” Danny said, taking it from her as she closed his door behind her. “Mom would’ve given in and brought me something.”
“Did you mean what you said before?” Jess asked.
“What’d I say?”
“That you don’t care about what happened with Daddy?”
“I don’t,” he said simply. “I don’t care about anything.”
“You gotta care about something,” she said, unable to comprehend this.
“Where does it say we all have to care about something?”
Jess shrugged. “Well, what’re you livin’ for?”
“Good question.” He slumped on his bed. He hadn’t been doing anything that she could tell. There were no books, nothing but him lying on his bed while Led Zeppelin spun on his turntable. He had the best stereo system of anyone in the house, even Ivy, and she was older. He said he was able to afford it from his pay at work. It was the coolest thing Jess had seen since her basketball—the turntable on top, with double cassette tape decks below and two huge speakers.
“Wait,” she said quickly. “I don’t mean you should off yourself.”
“Nah,” he laughed. “I’m too lazy for suicide. Besides, it’s a coward’s way out.”
“You think about it, though? Suicide?”
“No. But some of my friends do.”
It scared her to hear this. “You really aren’t thinkin’ about that, right?”
“No, dummy. I told you no. I just don’t care about stuff like everybody else does. Dad’s all about the church, Mama could spend hours fixin’ lasagna or some shit. And Ivy, always tryin’ to bring back animals from the dead.”
“Yeah,” she agreed. “Remember the time she nearly gave a squirrel CPR?”
“So gross,” he said.
“I thought it was rabid!” She started laughing, and each time Danny hushed her, she laughed more. “And don’t even get me started on how she talks to Radar all the time. He’s a cute dog,” Jess said. “But he can’t hold his end of a conversation.” She was pleased to see that she’d gotten Danny to smile finally. “There are people like that, though, who like dogs more than people.”
“I’m startin’ to see why.”
Jess eyed him suspiciously. Her brother was naturally funny, and he had more to offer than sitting in his room all the time. She had to believe there was more to him than that.
“Okay, well go on then,” he said. “I wanna be alone.”
Before she turned the doorknob, she said, “You care about music.”
“All right,” he said. “Got me there.”
“What do you think I care about?”
“Duh,” he said. “Basketball.”
“True.” She nodded. She didn’t dare tell him the truth—that there was someone she cared about even more than that.
“You’re all secretive now,” he continued, “kinda like Ivy was. So you’re probably into some dude.”
“Got me there.” Repeating his words with a smile, she closed the door behind her and went to her room. How funny it was that they all lived under the same roof, yet they didn’t know each other as well as they thought.
Chapter Forty-Eight
On Saturday night, The Green Machine had an exhibition game against the Chesterville Cheetahs. Jess had sized them up when they played them last year, and this year they didn’t look any more impressive. Neither did their orange and black spotted uniforms. So it came as quite a surprise that the game was as close as it was.
The score was 49 to 47, in favor of the visiting team. Kelly passed Jess the ball. She shot and made it. Tied. Back on defense, she glanced at Kelly, who seemed to have her head in the game for a change. Relieved that they could work together, Jess put her energy into trying to steal the ball.
As she dashed down the court, Jess glanced up and saw Stephanie sitting with Mike Austin in the bleachers, cheering. She was usually able to close off her emotions during games, but this shook her to the core. Her stomach was tied in knots that only came undone when a teammate stole the ball and passed it to her, reminding her that she was in the middle of a game. Jess dribbled a little, but, double-teamed, chose to throw the ball to Kelly—who missed the shot.
“Aw!” With only seconds left in the game, all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the gym.
Coach Drysdale signaled for a timeout. When the team gathered around, the coach shouted at Jess. “I don’t care how many are on you. You take the shot, got it?”
Jess nodded, glancing at the bleachers again. Then she met the coach’s eyes.
“Who’s up there?” the coach demanded.
“Nobody.”
“Go on!” the coach yelled.
They all clapped in unison and returned to the court.
Back on the floor, the opposing Cheetahs took it down the court. Kelly managed a steal and, attempting to prove her skills to the coach, ignored her instructions and tried to shoot it in herself. The ball skirted the rim and Jess, waiting there, tapped it in for the winning points right as the buzzer sounded.
The crowd rose to its feet. Jess basked in the triumph for a moment before seeking Stephanie in the crowd again. She missed her, missed seeing her face up close every day, missed her notes…
She watched sadly as Mike tightened his arm around her, leading her to the doors. With only a passing glance in Jess’s direction, Stephanie was gone. It was a tragic scene, and Jess could hardly stand it. All she could think of was the fumbling night at the movies with Alex and all of the things he’d wanted to do. Of course Mike must want to do those things with Stephanie too. How far was she letting him go to keep up pretenses? Her jealousy took hold as she ran a towel over her face. What if they weren’t pretenses? What if she enjoyed being with boys too? But then why did she tell Jess she loved her? Had she told Mike that too? Jess was confused and heartsick—and it showed all over her face.
When she glanced at Coach Drysdale, she realized she was being watched. For how long she didn’t know.
Alex paraded his new girlfriend, Jaime, down the gym floor. She was the new owner of his jacket.
“Hi, Jess,” he called.
“Hey.” She turned away and trotted toward the locker room.
It wasn’t the devastated response he’d hoped for, she knew. But sometimes so much was going on that she needed to shout at the world to stop for a moment so she could get herself together.
“Jess!” Coach Drysdale called. “I need a minute!”
Instead of Jess shouting at the world, it seemed, it would be the coach shouting at her. She turned reluctantly and followed the coach into her office. The older woman sat at her desk, rubbed her head and gestured for Jess to take a seat.
It was a small office and fairly stark, with a weird, musty smell like a basement. There weren’t a lot of fancy knickknacks on the walls, just a faded pennant that looked like it had been there since the dawn of time. Her desk held a photo of a younger version of the coach and a much older man, probably her father. A couple of trophies sat atop a small bookshelf which was filled with books that were primarily motivational in nature—how to keep your head together under pressure, how to say yes more than no or something along those lines. It looked like what Jess imagined a coach’s office would look like. She’d never been there before. Sylvia Drysdale rarely brought players into her sanctuary.
“You know,” the coach began, swiveling in her chair, resting her hand against her chin. “You�
�re good enough to get a full scholarship.”
Jess smiled. That was the best part of her night.
“But you can’t get there if you’re playin’ distracted. You wanna tell me if there’s anything goin’ on?” She leaned forward. Always cutting to the chase…
“No,” Jess replied. “Nothin’s goin’ on.”
“You wanna try that again?”
“Huh?”
“Any trouble at home?” the coach persisted.
Jess shook her head.
The coach had noticed that Jess’s mother had come to some of her games, but no one else in her family.
“Do they support you playin’?” the coach asked.
“Yeah, kinda. They’re just real busy.” Jess pretended not to be hurt that her dad never showed any interest. Beyond her birthday gift, he was mostly quiet about her playing on a team. She figured he’d hoped it was a hobby that would never go beyond the driveway. Maybe it embarrassed him because she was a girl. She thought of what her mother had told him, about his “gender bias.” Would he have felt differently if it was Danny who was playing basketball?
“I want you to play up to your potential.” Coach Drysdale chewed her lip, holding back what she really wanted to tell her. She twisted the crucifix necklace she always wore around her neck, along with her whistle. “You have any idea how good you are? And you’re not even playing up to your potential yet. I can’t imagine what you could do if you did.” She sat back, studying Jess curiously. “It’s not boy trouble, is it?”
Jess shook her head, nearly, but not quite, letting an ironic smile escape her lips.
“Believe it or not, I was once your age.”
It was hard for Jess to picture this middle-aged, hardboiled woman with leathery skin and tight, thin lips as a young, wide-eyed student. It wasn’t possible. Even the younger woman in the photo had leathery skin. I swear, the woman must be part crocodile…
Coach Drysdale leaned forward and even smiled a little. “If you need to talk, about anything, I want you to know you can always come to me. My door’s always open.” She seemed accessible tonight, even kind. Jess took note of this and filed it away in her mind.
“Thanks.” She stood up.
“Always,” the coach repeated, as Jess left.
* * *
Jess caught a ride home that night with the team’s valley girl, Lisa Kelger. She drove a Volvo with a pair of pink, fuzzy dice dangling from the rearview mirror.
“So what’s up with you and Madison?” Lisa asked, imitating the coach.
“Oh, you know how she gets.” The only unpleasant part of having to bum rides was having to talk.
“Do I turn right?” Lisa had never driven Jess home before.
“No, keep goin’ straight.” Jess was grateful for the distraction. “I’ll tell you when to turn.”
“Wow, you are so out in the boonies,” Lisa said.
“Uh-huh.”
“Well,” Lisa started as if Jess had asked, “Kelly’s bein’ all weird whenever someone brings up your name. And you know those girls who thought you knocked her down on purpose that day…I didn’t, but some of them were all like, ‘She thinks she’s hot shit,’ and I totally defended you. I said there was no way you think that. You’re all cool and you never talk about how great you play. I mean, that’s, like, obvious.”
Jess watched as her animated hands left the steering wheel occasionally. She hoped she wouldn’t drive them into a tree.
“Kelly’s jealous,” Jess said simply.
“It’s more than that,” Lisa persisted. “She’s always been a total, you know.” She made a nasty face. “But now she’s even weirder about you. Did you get a scholarship? That’s the rumor.”
“Huh?”
“Well,” Lisa said, “some of the girls think, even though you’re not a senior, that you may have gotten something from a good school and might skip out your senior year, and maybe that’s pissin’ Kelly off.”
“Turn here.” Jess leaned forward, pointing, since there were no landmarks.
As Lisa screeched onto the long, country road leading toward her house, Jess sighed. “No, I didn’t get anything like that. She’s…” She struggled to think. “You know those reptiles that change color or whatever to blend in?”
“Chameleons?”
“Whatever. She’s like a human one, changin’ her face depending on who she’s talkin’ to. A human lizard…or whatever you said.”
“A chameleon.” Lisa thought about it to make sure she was right. “Yeah, she kinda is.” She was quiet a moment. “My cousin Jack got a football scholarship to UCLA.” She glanced at her, waiting for Jess to be impressed.
“That’s cool.”
“Oh yeah,” Lisa beamed. “And you know, he’s totally gay, and none of them know it. They’d probably kick him off the team if they knew.”
Jess said nothing, but she could feel the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end.
“And that really sucks, you know?” Lisa stared at the road, looking thoughtful. “’Cause he’s an awesome guy. What do they care who he screws?” The driveway came up on the left. “Here?”
Lisa was so nonchalant about this, in her own weird, crude way. Jess was pleasantly surprised. She was the last person Jess thought would be cool about something like that.
“Here,” Jess said.
Lisa turned and stopped on the driveway.
“Thanks,” Jess said, opening the door.
“Hey, no problem. And listen, forget about Kelly. Everyone’s gettin’ tired of her bullshit.”
Jess gave a little smile and went inside.
* * *
“Coach says I could get a college scholarship,” Jess announced proudly at dinner.
“That’s all very nice,” her father said. “What about your studies?”
“They’re fine.”
“The biology grade wasn’t so fine.” He was so matter-of-fact, it was unnerving.
“We beat Chesterville tonight,” Jess said, stabbing at her pasta.
“That’s wonderful,” her mother said, avoiding Dan’s eyes. “When is the next game?”
“It’s no big deal. It wasn’t a real game anyway.” Jess kept her head down, though it would have been nice if someone had come to the game tonight.
“Yes,” her mother said. “It is a big deal.”
“Yeah,” Danny chimed in. “You got the big game against Fullerton pretty soon, right?” He gave Jess a rare supportive shoulder bump.
“I thought you didn’t care about things like that,” Jess said.
“I don’t,” Danny replied. “But everybody’s talkin’ about it at school. Since you’re my sister, I gotta pretend to care.” He gave her a teasing grin.
“It’s not for a while yet,” Jess said, trying to downplay everything in front of her father.
Something about his presence put everyone on edge. He didn’t scream and yell. He was oddly calm and measured in his disapproval or punishments. For some reason, his modulated tone and strained smile enraged Jess even more than if he were a ranting lunatic.
“Remember,” he said. “Homework comes first.”
She nodded. “Yes, sir.”
She was grateful at the show of support from her brother. She had learned, though, that happy moments in their household were almost always tempered by moments of darkness.
Tonight’s dinner would live up to Jess’s expectations. When Ivy ran in late, their dad immediately took notice. But their mother was still focused on basketball.
“The Fullerton Falcons?” her mother asked. “They always mentioned them in the cooking club.”
“Yeah.” Jess rearranged her food. “It’s in a month or two. I’ll tell you more later.” Her voice was practically at a whisper.
“What’re you doin’ out so late?” her dad asked Ivy.
“Study group ran late,” she said breathlessly, untying an overflowing scarf accessory. Jess noticed that she didn’t completely remove it.
&nbs
p; “You had to study this long?” her father pressed.
“It’s only eight,” Ivy protested. “You said Saturday we’d eat late ’cause of Jess’s game.”
“Eight is late enough for a preacher’s daughter goin’ around with a strange boy.” He ate a forkful of his pork and beans.
“I said I was in study group!” Ivy exclaimed. “You callin’ me a liar?”
“Yes.” Dan carefully wiped pork and bean sauce off his chin with a napkin. “That’s exactly what I’m sayin’.” He silently dared her to repeat the lie.
“He’s not a stranger,” Ivy argued. “You know his parents. You always act nice to them. Is all that a lie?”
“You watch your tongue, girl.” He pushed his plate away. “You’re skatin’ on thin ice.”
Ivy took a plate from the cabinet.
“No dinner,” he said. “You go straight to your room.”
“Fine!” She stomped out.
Jess was getting concerned. Her dad didn’t want anyone to eat lately. Was there a sudden food shortage?
“Dan,” her mother chided. “Was that really necessary?”
“We’ll talk about it later,” he answered, still looking in the direction of the hall with a foreboding expression.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Jess met Alex at his locker. “Where’s Jaime?” she asked.
He looked up, genuinely surprised to see her there. “We’re not together anymore,” he admitted with hurt in his eyes.
“You lovebirds have a fight?” she teased.
“What do you want?”
She took a deep breath, and nearly choked. “You.”
“What? You treated me like shit!”
“I’m…complicated.” Her lips turned upward in a slight smile, daring him to stay angry at her. She could see he was fighting between wariness and euphoria.
“You saw me with someone else and it made you jealous, right?” he asked.
She thought a moment. “Alex, women are mysterious creatures.” She slapped him on the back. Whatever other transgressions Jess believed had destined her for hell, she felt even worse about lying to Alex. He was innocent. He didn’t have anything to do with her mixed-up self. He was just someone who could conveniently provide her with cover. Only he didn’t know it.
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