Soon Jess was once more losing herself underneath Alex’s green and white football jacket and getting rides home in his Porsche, making her the envy of everyone. But every day after school, she’d stare out the car window and wonder what Stephanie was doing, if she was thinking of her, if this was as hard for her.
One afternoon Jess came home, still wearing Alex’s jacket. She had just set foot in the door when her mother approached, holding up her hands in surrender. “I know I’m not supposed to talk about this, but it looks like you and Alex made up?”
Jess could see the hopeful twinkle in her mother’s chestnut eyes. She was hanging on Jess’s every word. This was the only subject that garnered her this kind of rapt attention, Jess noted resentfully. This mattered. This and not what had happened to the friend she used to hike with every Saturday. Nobody asked about that. There was no mention of Stephanie at all.
“Yeah, we’re back together,” Jess said, noting that Ivy was listening in the kitchen, where she was fixing herself a snack. “Yeah.” Jess dug her hands into the extra-deep pockets, tugging at the oversized jacket she was practically swimming in. For her, the jacket was a shield to protect her from the world, from the speculation of people like Kelly. It had become essential to her survival, though she resented every step she took in it.
“That’s all I wanted to know.” Carolyn held up her hands again, as if the subject was closed, and scurried away.
Later that night, Ivy cornered her sister in the bathroom to get the real story. She came toward her, still wearing her green facial mask.
“Whoa!” Jess said, holding up her arms. “It’s like I’m bein’ attacked by a seaweed monster.”
Ivy’s green face frowned. “Ha ha. It has seaweed in it. Get over it. Is it true? About you and Alex?”
“It’s true,” Jess said.
“So it’s over with…” Ivy didn’t want to say her name.
“Would I be with Alex if it wasn’t?” Jess gave her a bitter smile; it was better this way, keeping her sister in the dark.
* * *
At school, Jess ignored Kelly, who always seemed to be watching her. Jess kept her distance, knowing that the more time that passed, the more the whole school saw Jess nearly wedded to the football quarterback, the harder it would be for Kelly to convince anyone of a crazy “lie.”
As cruel as it was, Stephanie seemed to have been right. But how much longer did they have to go on like this?
The only places where Jess couldn’t avoid Kelly were on the court and in the locker room. Still sweaty from practice, she was downing a bottle of water when Kelly approached the bench she used to share with her. As usual, Jess was averting her eyes from those girls who liked to strut their stuff for everyone to see.
Kelly glanced at a topless teammate who walked by Jess’s bench.
“You like that, don’t you?” Kelly said, relishing the moment.
Jess crossed her arms, pondering the question. “Well, I don’t know. Looks like you noticed her first.”
“Shut up.” Kelly’s nose wrinkled as she sat down, making herself comfortable. “I bet you’re wondering what you’re going to owe me,” she teased. “I bet you think nobody would believe me since you’re wearin’ his jacket.”
“They won’t.”
“Is that so? Well, maybe Alex would. He’d be so shocked, don’t you think?”
“What is it already?” Jess’s voice was uncharacteristically loud. She felt like she was coming apart—the anticipation, the not knowing—she just wanted to be put out of her misery. “What do you want?”
Kelly smiled. “I haven’t decided yet. But it has to be big for me to keep something like this from the entire school.”
As if you will anyway. Jess walked away, seething. She’d raised a question in her mind, though. If Alex did hear about her and Stephanie, he might actually believe Kelly. It might explain some of Jess’s distant, odd behavior, especially in the beginning. Then what? She couldn’t think about it. She had to believe that if she kept playing her part convincingly this nightmare would finally end.
Weekends were the worst. On Friday nights, she had to go to Alex’s games and be his biggest fan and at the same time be subjected to the presence of the football cheerleaders, who were different from the basketball cheerleaders and very competitive with them. On these nights she’d have to watch Stephanie as if behind a glass wall. She’d be so close, but Jess couldn’t touch her; she had to be one of many spectators in the crowd. Stephanie was clearly the standout on the squad, often the center of attention, bringing the crowd to its feet. Her contagious enthusiasm at every game, her authenticity as Mike’s girlfriend—what was real, what wasn’t?—it left questions in Jess’s mind that she tried to ignore. But at the end of the game when Mike would put his arm around her, it twisted the knife deeper inside the wound Jess felt.
And she couldn’t rely on her usually sharp instincts with Stephanie. Her feelings had muddied her ability to know for certain what was true about her.
Saturday nights were a close second when it came to agonizing experiences. Until basketball season officially began, those were often her “date nights” with Alex. He’d pick her up in his freshly waxed Porsche, revving the engine more times than necessary. Her mother and father beamed at the front windows, her mother more than her father, watching Jess run out to meet him in a flash of green and white. There wasn’t much to do in Greens Fork, but they could usually find something, a movie or going to the Slurp ’n’ Stop for a burger. Jess preferred they go there rather than the movies. At least out in public, he wouldn’t try kissing her with his tongue. And definitely not when she had a mouthful of hamburger.
When he returned her home, though, there was always that awkward moment in the car before she got out. Some nights she got away with a soft kiss on the lips. Other nights he was so eager, as if he’d been thinking about it all week, which he probably had, that he would thrust his tongue into her mouth.
One night, he wouldn’t stop.
“I gotta go,” she managed in between kisses. “Daddy will kill me if I’m out here too long.”
He hugged her tightly before she got out. “Sorry the heater’s not working,” he said, finally letting her go. Every time he did or said something thoughtful she wanted to shoot herself. She knew she didn’t deserve it.
One night, inevitably, he asked if she wanted to go up to Cutter’s Ridge. That was the usual progression. Teens would cruise each other on what passed as a “strip” in town—a few small shops, a gas station and a couple of fast-food places. Then they’d go park on the mountain. She told him she couldn’t, not because she didn’t want to, but because she was a preacher’s daughter. Alex respected, even feared, the reverend. So it was always the perfect excuse.
It was also an occasion to feel more guilt. Jess’s self-loathing was reaching new levels.
Every day that passed seemed an eternity for Jess. The only salvation was the possibility of running into Stephanie. She knew the places where she might see her, where she could catch even a slight glimpse, like stalking a celebrity. She’d never been a jealous person in her life, but seeing Stephanie talking to another girl after coming out of a class they shared, Jess would give anything to switch places with that girl. For the first time, she understood the line from Romeo and Juliet where Romeo wishes he could be the glove on Juliet’s hand. She used to roll her eyes at lines like that. Now, she was wild with anticipation for the moment when Stephanie would return her gaze, however briefly, and let her know she was still there, that they were still connected.
It wasn’t enough. With their communication severed, Jess felt lonelier than ever—even in crowds of well-meaning classmates and especially with Alex. Music became a lifeline, linking her to her deepest feelings, especially the ones she had to keep hidden from the world. She went everywhere with her Walkman, doing household chores, riding her bike or lying in bed with her headphones on.
The first time she heard “Miracles” by Jefferso
n Starship on the oldies station her mother sometimes put on, she was folding laundry. In her mind, the notes rippled across Stephanie’s face, across memories of the two of them together. She tried to recall all those little details, but it seemed like it had been forever since she’d seen her—her tense jaw in the auditorium, exciting in her intensity; a teasing expression when she made fun of Jess’s dislike of the outdoors; and her kiss…
Jess dropped the clothes and shut the laundry room door. She had to steal a few minutes of privacy, breathing in and out, her head pushed against the door. She didn’t understand all they were saying in the song, but it didn’t matter.
Jess sometimes saw Stephanie in church too. But there were Sundays when she wasn’t there and Jess would wonder what had happened. She worried that Stephanie’s mother had been drinking. There was nothing she could do about it though. She’d quickly face the front and listen to her dad’s sermon with the artificial face of a doll. It was a weird, twisted reality, pretending she didn’t feel the things she did, but it had become her normal.
During the school day, lunch was the worst part. Since Kelly had declared a “Cold War” on Jess, Jess often went to the auditorium, which was usually empty. On the rare occasion that the drama club was practicing, she enjoyed making them nervous, sitting there impassively as they tried hard to make Shakespeare sound fun for teenagers. Technically, no one was supposed to eat in the auditorium for fear of leaving crumbs, which were apparently too much for the school’s janitors to handle. Jess did anyway. She never wanted to worry about whom to sit with ever again.
Her teammates, who seemed to have no clue what was going on, apparently had decided Jess was just a lone wolf. Fran, on the other hand, spoke to her occasionally, and Jess had always felt close to her, hoping that they’d stay friends. But she had no illusions about her, either. Her loyalties still tended to go whichever way the wind was blowing.
If she hadn’t known Lisa from the basketball team, Jess would have thought she was one of the snobby girls who looked down their noses at everyone. But her comment about her cousin made Jess wonder. Lisa wasn’t necessarily cut from the same cloth as the rest of the team. But she couldn’t be too careful, not even with her.
Sometimes after Jess finished her lunch, she’d take out her notebook and try to pen a note to Stephanie, searching for a way to say everything she wanted to say to her, things that had gone unsaid—and probably should remain that way.
At the end of the school day, Jess and Stephanie often found themselves walking side by side, but apart, toward the parking lot, Stephanie in Mike’s jacket, Jess in Alex’s, holding hands or arm in arm with their “boyfriends” after they finished football practice. They played their parts well, putting on a good show for the whole school—Jess looking adoringly at Alex while Stephanie did the same with Mike. They were the perfect couples—the basketball star and the quarterback, the cheerleader and the running back. Or whatever he was. Jess had never taken note of what position Mike played, probably in an unconscious act of defiance.
Meantime, Danny would have already screeched away in the pickup truck, giving a parade of girls rides home on his way to his job. Since he was earning money, he was the only one allowed to borrow their father’s truck.
Jess preferred to take the bus anyway because none of her friends rode it. She could let her guard down and give herself over to whatever was playing on her Walkman. This afternoon it was Melissa Manchester, singing “You Should Hear How She Talks About You.” As she listened, it was easy to hear the lyrics as if the “she” they referred to was Stephanie. Then Manchester added, “She’s in love with you, boy,” jolting Jess out of her daydream. It always went that way—whenever she lost herself in a little fantasy, she would soon be reminded of what was real and what was her own wishful thinking.
Chapter Fifty
The next morning Jess came into math class a few minutes earlier than usual. No one else was there yet except Denisha Horton, one of only a couple of African-American kids in the entire school. She sat toward the front, while Jess took her regular seat at the back. Jess never talked to Denisha because they ran in different social circles.
Jess slouched in her chair, not making eye contact. She opened her notebook. It was awkward to be one of the only ones in a relatively small room and not talking to the one other person in it. This, among other things, made Jess realize just how socially awkward she was. Friends had teased her about her inability to pick up on social cues, but Jess had remained oblivious and unconcerned about it. The result, however, left her with a lot of ordinary moments that felt extraordinarily painful for her.
“Why you always comin’ in here with your nose up in the air?” Denisha had turned and was looking at her with piercing eyes.
“Huh?”
“Lookin’ like you smell something nasty on the ceiling.”
Jess’s shoulders slumped, as she instinctively tried to make herself even smaller.
“Denisha?”
“Call me Denny.” The girl had an easy smile. Jess noted her small frame and stocky body. Though she wasn’t tall, she appeared to be pure muscle, as if she could take someone out with one swing of her leg. She was the class clown, always making jokes, and for Jess a welcome distraction from talking about math in math class.
“Denny, I don’t have my nose in the air.”
Denny laughed at how serious she was. “I know who you are. You’re the big basketball star.”
Jess smiled in spite of herself. It was nice to be known as something other than Alex Thornbush’s girlfriend. She immediately ducked her head.
“See, why you always act like you’re invisible? If I were you, I’d be like, ‘Here I am!’” She made a grand gesture with her arms. “Come on, girl! You gotta strut that stuff.”
“I don’t got…stuff,” Jess said, almost alarmed.
“Sure you do,” Denny said. “What I don’t get is why y’all gotta be so tall? Seems to me, that takes the challenge out of the game. Now if y’all had to have short players…” She pointed to herself. “That would be fun to watch, to see if anyone could make a shot. Am I right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Jess smiled warmly at her. “It’s kinda not fair. I mean, if I wasn’t tall, I wouldn’t have been able to try out for the team.”
“Uh-huh.” Denny’s voice indicated that she’d wanted to be on the team.
“I didn’t make the rules,” Jess said defensively.
“Don’t mean I got to like ’em.” Denny curled up in her seat with her feet tucked underneath. She never sat with her feet on the floor like everyone else. And the teacher never said anything, so she kept doing it. She was a natural rule breaker. She whipped around to look at Jess again. “How come you sit so far in the back? You got eagle eyes too?”
Jess shook her head, smiling. “No. I suck at math. Don’t you dare repeat that.” She pointed her pencil at her.
Denny grinned; she seemed to like Jess even more now. “I won’t. Now since I know a secret about you, that means we can be friends?”
“If you knew more about me, you might not wanna be my friend.” Jess surprised herself, but staring down at her notebook, the words just came out.
“Why? You tryin’ to tell me you got a dark side?” Denny laughed. “I doubt it, girl.”
“No, not a dark…I don’t know. Maybe.” If it made her sound mysterious, she’d go with that.
“You do time in prison? Drug dealer? What?” The more Denny said, the more Jess laughed. “Hey, maybe I already know some of your friends.”
“I doubt it.” Jess realized how she may have sounded. “I mean, they aren’t all that nice. I don’t even like my friends.”
“Geez, girl, maybe you should get some new ones.” She raised a concerned eyebrow at her.
Jess figured she must have sounded like the Grim Reaper. She couldn’t keep her eyes on her notebook. She marveled at this girl a moment, then said, “Is it weird here with everyone bein’ so…”
“Whi
te?”
They laughed; Jess was relieved that it was okay to say it.
“Yeah,” Jess said. “I think I’d get sick of it.”
“It’s an education beyond school,” Denny said, suddenly sounding like a wise old grandmother. “I’ll tell you that.”
Jess straightened her posture. “Where do you live?”
“East side of town where the black folks live. I know you go to the big white Baptist church. I go to the black Baptist church down on Center Street.”
Jess shook her head. “I don’t care where anybody goes to church.”
“You believe in God?”
Just then some students shuffled in quietly.
“I don’t know anymore,” Jess said earnestly.
Denny seemed disappointed when the crowd started filing in. It was as if she’d just found something interesting to talk to someone about.
“I know he exists,” Denny said with a wink. “’Cause whenever I get too cocky, he slaps me down, says ‘Girl, don’t you be gettin’ all high and mighty.’ I was riding my bike once, showin’ off, fell off and broke my leg…oh, yeah.” She had the most contagious laugh Jess had ever heard.
“Maybe that just means you’re clumsy,” Jess said, laughing with her.
“Hey now,” Denny pointed at her with mock outrage, then flashed her a big smile before turning back around.
Chapter Fifty-One
With basketball practice ramping up, Jess had only a vague awareness of what was going on around her lately at home. For the most part, there was peace in the household, not that Jess cared much, but her dad seemed to be getting along better with her brother. Or so it appeared.
She found herself feeling angrier, even at times when there was no apparent conflict. Details of daily life had begun to fester like sores beneath her skin. She’d watch her dad seat himself at the dinner table, expectantly looking to her mom to wait on him, as she’d done for the seventeen years Jess had known them. Danny would rush to his chair, grabbing at dishes on the table and scooping large helpings of everything onto his plate, while Ivy checked for napkins to give everyone.
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