Southern Girl

by Lukas,Renee J.

  “This thing needs a damn defroster.” Danny was a world-class complainer. Jess thought he should consider that as a career. But she didn’t dare spar with him today, or he could leave her out here.

  Jess was counting on a lot of things coming together. In fact, she was counting on a miracle. First, Chip would have had to be able to reach Stephanie. And Stephanie would need to be able to get away and come here at this exact time. If she couldn’t, Jess would assume any number of things could have happened. But it was her only option since everything else had been taken away. Two weeks was too long for her to go without seeing her; it was worth all the risk.

  “You think Daddy would ever kill anyone?” she asked Danny suddenly. The absence of Stephanie and her mother in church had led her to some frightening, though wild, conclusions.

  Her question was so shocking, it made her brother laugh.

  “Why? ’Cause he’s got a shotgun?”

  “He does?” she squeaked. She didn’t know that.

  “Yeah,” Danny said. “Mama makes him keep it hidden ’cause she’s afraid there’ll be an accident.” There was a pause as Jess digested this information. “C’mon, you haven’t heard them argue about guns? I thought they’d get a divorce over it.”

  “There’s a lot of things I thought they’d divorce over,” Jess said, a thought she distractedly didn’t keep to herself. She didn’t care, though. These were obviously desperate times if she had to rely on her brother for anything.

  While Jess was pondering her father’s ownership of a shotgun, she almost missed the turn. “A left here!” she shouted, giving him no notice.

  Danny jammed on the brakes and tried to make a sharp turn. The truck skidded and swerved, finally spinning completely around and landing them into a ditch.

  “Shit!” Danny pounded the dashboard with his fists. “Why didn’t you say sooner?”

  Of course he’d make it her fault. Actually, it most likely was. Jess sat there, feeling a familiar numbness. They wouldn’t make it on time. Now if Stephanie was able to come, she wouldn’t know how hard Jess had tried.

  “Damn truck…” Danny’s words were in the background, a muffled bubble of expletives. “Have to push it out, like always…”

  “Huh?” Jess turned to him.

  “You don’t take a truck with bald tires out in winter,” Danny said. “It’s fuckin’ stupid.” After being stuck in the house for so long he had a lot of curse words stored up. It sounded like he was trying to use them all up before they went home again.

  “Did you say you’ve pushed it out before?” she asked, climbing out.

  “Yeah, if it’s not too deep.”

  She stood in the ditch. It seemed shallow to stand in, but she wasn’t sure if it was too deep for the truck. They were only one street away. If only…

  So much time had passed. Stephanie was probably already there, at their river, thinking that Jess wasn’t coming.

  Jess ran to the back of the truck and attempted to push it out herself.

  “Hey, wait!” Danny yelled, laughing at her. “Need some help?”

  “Yeah. Get off your butt and help me!”

  They rocked it upward until they got the front tires back on the road. The back tires were stubborn, and it took more time to get them up. After grunting and complaining, Danny wiped his gloved hands on his jeans and exhaled with relief when they succeeded. Jess had already jumped back in, ready to continue the outing.

  When Danny climbed in the driver’s seat, he turned the key and started to turn the truck around.

  “Wait,” Jess said. “What’re you doin’?”

  “Goin’ home.”

  “No!” She was desperate. Her eyes filled with tears.

  He looked at her strangely. “Whoa, what is it? You were just gonna give something to someone. You’ll see them at school in a few days. What’s the big deal?”

  She’d tried to downplay the reason for the secret trip. She didn’t want him to have too much information to use to blackmail her with.

  “I need to see this person. Mom and Dad don’t approve.” She wouldn’t look at him.

  “Some guy?”

  She wouldn’t answer. Then, thinking of how late it was getting…“Please, Danny. Please do it for me. I’ll owe you.”

  His favorite words. He turned the truck back toward the road, took a left and parked where she pointed. Her chest pounded with excitement at the sight of Stephanie’s silver car.

  “You wait here, okay?” Jess had to make sure.

  “Yeah, but you said it would be quick.” He glared at her, already complaining again.

  “I’ll owe you,” she repeated and got out of the truck.

  Jess took off into the woods as fast as her legs would take her.

  Chapter Seventy-One

  She first caught sight of Stephanie waiting at the mouth of the river, wearing a long black wool coat and a cream hat that contrasted sharply with her black hair. She was looking the other way, but the noise Jess made, nearly tripping over logs and branches in her haste to get to her, caught her attention, eliciting an excited smile. She ran toward her, meeting her before Jess ever made it to the frozen water. They crashed into each other, a long, tight embrace that nearly drove Jess to tears. She didn’t want to ruin everything by falling apart in front of Stephanie, but inside she was coming undone. It was overwhelming just to be so near to her again, to feel the warmth of her arms around her.

  They pulled away and held each other’s faces with gloved hands. Jess was trying to imprint every detail of her face in the few short minutes they had.

  “Look at you!” Jess said breathlessly. “I didn’t know if you’d be here.”

  Stephanie smiled broadly with rosy cheeks; she’d obviously been waiting out here for a while. “I got the weirdest call from this guy, and I thought he had the wrong number.”

  They laughed, giddy, meaningless laughter until Jess silenced her with a kiss she’d been dreaming of all Christmas break.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” Jess said.

  “Me too.” Stephanie held one of Jess’s hands against her chest, near her heart. “It’s been so long.”

  Jess could hear the honk of the truck horn in the distance. “My damn brother.”

  “Any luck changing your parents’ minds?” Stephanie asked.

  Jess shook her head.

  Stephanie lowered her eyes and nodded, feigning acceptance. “I thought about how hard the break’s been,” she said. “I can’t imagine losing you for a year.”

  “Maybe we could run away somewhere,” Jess offered.

  “Without money?”

  Jess smiled. “A minor detail.”

  Now he was holding down the horn.

  “Keep your pants on!” she shouted, though she was too far into the woods for him to hear. She looked sadly at Stephanie. “I’m sorry.”

  Stephanie took both of her hands and kissed them through her gloves. “I’m glad you did this. It scares me how much I seem to…need you.”

  Jess knew what she meant. She tried to smile back, but with her brother’s impatience and the light changing in the sky, she knew these stolen moments would never be enough for her. She quickly turned away from her and ran through the trees, trying to hold in her tears so her brother wouldn’t ask any questions.

  When she reached the parking lot she slowed down, trying not to slip on the icy pavement.

  In the truck she put on her seat belt, while quietly dying inside.

  “You sure took long enough,” he said.

  She looked straight ahead as he started the engine. She allowed one glance toward the forest and Stephanie’s car, her heart pounding.

  “Now where did we tell Mom and Dad we were goin’?” he asked.

  “Spin Shop,” she said.

  “You all right?” He leaned toward her.

  “I’m fine.” She could feel her eyes so full, a tear was soon to escape. Please don’t look at me.

  When they returned home, Danny
with his Rolling Stones album in hand, their parents didn’t seem at all interested in the day’s events. The plan had apparently worked. And it had been worth everything just to see Stephanie’s face again.

  That night, Jess squeezed her pillow tightly, imagining it was her. Whether she was a sinner or not didn’t matter. Anyone who could make her feel like this was worth everything, even going to hell for. She rolled over, closing her eyes. She saw the rosy cheeks, felt the softness of her lips…the picture in her mind soothed her to sleep.

  * * *

  Before the break was over, Jess got a strange call. It was Fran, who was usually too shy to use the phone, which was what made the call strange.

  “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you,” she said, “after that day, you know.”

  “Uh-huh.” Jess wasn’t sure what to expect, but she knew that Fran wasn’t good at being mad at someone, so everything she said came out painfully awkward.

  “It’s just…” Fran stammered. “You know, I don’t wanna believe Kelly, but she’s all like, ‘Jess quit the team ’cause she was pissed at me, and the coach is covering for her.’ And I know you wouldn’t do that. You’re not…so…petty. I mean, Kelly would do something like that, right?” She chuckled anxiously. “I want to believe you had a tendon pull, but the way you were bookin’ it up those stairs…” She drifted off, but the question, and the tension, hovered in the silence.

  Jess took a deep breath. “Kelly wishes she was that important to me or anyone.” She could almost hear the sigh of relief on Fran’s end. “You think there’s any way I would’ve missed that game if I didn’t absolutely have to?” Her voice cracked a little. There was so much she couldn’t tell her but wanted to.

  “No,” Fran answered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you. But your ankle seems okay now. Why do you have to sit out the rest of the season?”

  Jess silently cursed the coach for putting her in this ridiculous position, like a bad sitcom where she has to fake a limp for the rest of the year.

  “Like I said, it goes in and out,” she finally said, swallowing her pride.

  Though Jess knew it was a lame explanation, once again it seemed to satisfy Fran. For now.

  Chapter Seventy-Two

  When school resumed, Jess learned that there had been growing resentment toward Kelly on the team for going against the coach’s wishes and losing the Fullerton game almost single-handedly. Though she took a little satisfaction in knowing this, Jess was nervous—someone as insecure as Kelly couldn’t handle being blacklisted. She would do anything to turn things around, even if it meant going back on a promise made to someone who was no longer her “friend” anyway, especially if it meant that.

  At lunch, Jess considered extending an olive branch to Kelly to make peace, no matter how uneasy, if only to protect herself and Stephanie. But things didn’t go as she’d planned.

  The school cafeteria was where social battle lines were often drawn, where cliques of students, like soldiers on a field, teamed up against a common enemy. Apparently, Fran had shared the “truth” she’d learned from Jess, and the resentment toward Kelly had come to a head. Everyone on the team clustered around Jess the minute she sat at a table. They filled up the table quickly, and when Kelly came out, the team had their backs to her. Alarmed, Jess motioned to Kelly to come over.

  Kelly started to walk toward them.

  “There aren’t any seats left,” Lisa Kelger exclaimed in her perfectly snobby voice, and loud enough for Kelly to hear.

  “Yeah,” Fran agreed. “All full!”

  While it felt like poetic justice, Jess couldn’t let this continue. She knew she’d be thrown to the wolves. So she limped up to Kelly and told her to come over.

  “It’s fine,” Kelly said with a smile.

  It certainly was not fine. If anything, it was the final act—as in a mafia movie when someone does that one thing that results in his body washing up on some shore. Jess’s mind was wild with macabre possibilities, none of them involving death, but all carrying a similar feeling of finality.

  “Hey,” Jess said quietly. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on. I guess they’re ticked that y’all lost the game.”

  “Yeah,” Kelly snapped, setting her tray in a corner table, a place where she used to say the “rejects” sat. “They blame me for losin’ the game. But it was Lisa and Holly. They didn’t do what they were supposed to do.”

  “Did you say that?” Jess asked, thinking how Kelly had committed social suicide.

  “Yeah, I told ’em both it was their fault. What did they expect?” She started stabbing at her lettuce. “Go on back to your new homies. I don’t care.” She waved her hand as if to shoo her away.

  It wasn’t going to be okay. Jess had a sick feeling with every step back toward the lunch table. Her eyes met Stephanie’s; she was with the cheerleaders and watching the unfolding drama intently. Jess gave her a warning glare, shaking her head ever so slightly, trying to send a message to watch her back today. Jess didn’t know how or when, but this wasn’t going to go well. It was no longer a question of whether or not a storm was coming. It was only a question of when.

  Chapter Seventy-Three

  Before English class, Jess slipped into the girls’ restroom. They’d be continuing their discussion of Romeo and Juliet, a subject she hadn’t minded until lately. Star-crossed, tragic lovers…why did she have to read about it when it was her life? She rarely used the restroom at school, but when she had to, this was the only decent one in the whole building. It was understood that the other two on the second and third floors were where the denim girls with fried hair who took cosmetology hung out to smoke. Teachers were always going in, trying to break up the party, but those bathrooms still reeked.

  As Jess sat in the stall, she heard the door creak open. There had been another set of feet visible in the stall beside hers. Eventually that stall door opened, and two girls who knew each other began talking at the sinks. One voice was unmistakable.

  “Lisa!” Kelly said in her saccharine, grudge-holding sort of way.

  “Don’t start with me, Kelly.” The faucet started. “First you blow everything for us, then you make up stories about Jess, who, you know, I don’t care what your deal is with her, but she was always nice to us.”

  “Yeah? Well she’s not the girl you think she is!” Kelly’s swift retort was to be expected.

  Jess braced herself, her heart pounding out of her chest. She knew what was coming…

  “What now?” Lisa shut off the faucet. The paper towel holder thumped a few times before the swinging creak of the trash lid.

  “I was protecting her,” Kelly said in a low tone. “I blamed it on her hatin’ me ’cause I promised I’d keep her secret.”

  “Oh my God. What the hell are you talkin’—”

  “Jess is a dyke. She and that new cheerleader, Stephanie Greer, they’re a thing.”

  “No way!”

  “Uh-huh,” Kelly hissed with certain delight. “The worst part is she used Alex, that poor boy.”

  There was silence. Jess was immovable, holding her breath, waiting for her life to be over. Part of her wanted to rush out of the stall and call Kelly a liar, the other part felt an odd relief that the truth was out. Then she remembered what Lisa had said about her cousin. Maybe she wouldn’t care.

  “She and Alex were totally…” Lisa struggled. “Are you serious?”

  Kelly may have nodded, but Jess couldn’t tell.

  A heaviness overcame Jess. Everyone would demonize her for betraying Alex. There would be no understanding for her.

  “Now you can’t say a word ’cause I was sworn to secrecy,” Kelly said. “But you have to cut me some slack ’cause I had to make up something since I didn’t want, you know, the whole school knowin’ she was a queer.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “I know.”

  “Did the coach find out?” Lisa asked. “Is that why…”

  “I really don’t know.” And Kell
y hadn’t known. All she knew was that Jess had promised to quit the team and had made good on that promise.

  “This is major,” Lisa said. How quickly her loyalties flipped.

  “I know, but don’t tell a soul,” Kelly said as the door creaked shut behind them.

  Of course, Kelly’s pleas to keep quiet would ensure that the whole school would soon know. Jess’s mind raced. Stephanie was now implicated too. It would look too weird to call her down to the office again. How could she get a message to her?

  She hung her head, her hands clasped together as if in prayer. It felt like a million bricks were sitting on her chest. There really was no way out now.

  Chapter Seventy-Four

  By the next day, the entire school was buzzing about the lezzy basketball player and her cheerleader girlfriend. Since not much else was going on in town, it was the new hot topic that instantly caught fire.

  In spite of the freezing drizzle, Jess opted to eat her lunch outside on the bleachers again, something she’d been doing since returning from the Christmas break. She liked the company just fine—only her and the dormant January trees—much better friends than the students inside. She could put on her headphones and listen to her Walkman out there too, and pretend to be somewhere else.

  Keeping her distance from Stephanie wouldn’t stop the rumor mill, of course, but being seen with her might make it worse. So she was surprised to see her outside, heading down the hill toward the bleachers, this time without Mike at her side. As she climbed up to join her, Jess said, “You might think twice about that. They’ll be takin’ our pictures.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I’m so sorry.” She threw down her sandwich and cradled her aching head in her hands. Everything felt so inconsequential, so meaningless. “I heard her in the bathroom tellin’ Lisa. I wanted to come out and call her a liar to her face. Something held me back.” She gazed out at the endless gray trees across the field.

  “Maybe you were tired of keepin’ secrets,” Stephanie said.

  Jess smiled at her. Even now, there was an unspoken understanding between them. And Stephanie was right. There was a strange relief in letting go of the lies. However, since Greens Fork wasn’t a metropolis, a rumor like this could easily reach their parents. This worried Jess the most.