Southern Girl

by Lukas,Renee J.

  Ms. Greer stumbled backward but miraculously stayed on her feet. She glowered at Jess. “You…” she snarled. “It’s your fault. You did this to her.”

  “No, Mama.” Stephanie tried to appear calm, straightening her jacket.

  Ms. Greer looked a hundred years older than she was. She held up her hands, as though she were going to relent. She turned to her daughter. “I know it’s been hard without your dad,” she said. “But I won’t have you committing unnatural acts while you’re livin’ in my house!” Her face crumpled into an even deeper scowl. “It’s against nature!”

  “I don’t care what you say.” Stephanie was still breathless from moments before.

  “You don’t care,” Ms. Greer repeated. “You selfish girl. I’ve given you everything I can. Do you know what you’ve done?” She came toward her daughter again, getting right in her face. “I lost my job ’cause of you! The whole town wants us to leave ’cause of you!”

  A lump swelled in Jess’s throat. She could take anything others threw at her; she’d proven that to herself. But this…

  “You might not want a gay daughter,” Stephanie said as calmly as she could. “But I don’t want a drunk for a mother.”

  She broke away, took Jess by the hand, and they rushed upstairs as fast as they could. Stephanie slammed and locked her bedroom door. The two girls looked at each other, holding their breath, not even turning on a light, trying to pretend they weren’t there at all. Within minutes her mother was upstairs, pounding on the bedroom door.

  “Stephanie! You git your butt out here!” she hollered.

  Jess cringed at the sound.

  Stephanie covered her mouth with her finger, warning her not to make any noise.

  She banged on the door for the next several minutes. Jess felt like she was on a boat as Jaws bumped it and tossed it around, all the while wondering if the shark would eventually break through. Finally, Ms. Greer seemed to get tired. They heard her descending the stairs and then rustling around in the kitchen. Eventually, the house was quiet again.

  “We can’t come out ever,” Jess said, standing rigidly in front of the door, listening.

  Stephanie slid down to the floor, her back against the bed. “She’ll pass out in a little while.”

  Jess came over to her, joining her on the floor. “Shit, Steph. It’s all my fault.”

  “How is it your fault?”

  “If I’d never let Kelly in my locker that day…”

  Stephanie covered her mouth with her finger. “No ‘if’s.’ It’ll drive you crazy.” Her eyes glistened in the window light as she laid a soft kiss on her cheek, then another on her lips.

  Jess answered her kiss, savoring the warmth of her. There was no reason to resist anymore. If they were already going to hell…

  The whole word melted until there was nothing outside Stephanie’s bedroom walls but the two of them. Again, Jess felt a hunger she couldn’t satisfy, wanting more of her, always more.

  Before she knew it, their kiss had ended, and Stephanie was listening for her mother through the door. They could hear Ms. Greer snoring loudly downstairs.

  Stephanie pulled back, her hands between her knees. She let out a deep sigh.

  “It’s now or never,” she said. “To make a run for it.”

  Quietly, they waited and double-checked that the coast was clear for them to make their way downstairs and out of the house.

  Chapter Seventy-Eight

  As Jess waved goodbye from the porch steps, she worried about Stephanie returning to that house. She hoped she’d be safe, that Ms. Greer would sleep it off and be reasonable in the morning. She wasn’t much for praying, but she sent a silent prayer up to the stars that night.

  A hush fell on everyone when Jess came into the house. Her father was sitting on the couch in the living room with her mother in the opposite chair. Jess was exhausted from the situation at Stephanie’s house, too drained to care whether or not they saw her car in the driveway, but not too tired to notice their probing stares.

  “What?” Jess looked at them.

  “Jess,” her dad said. “There’s a lot of talk around town.”

  “We got a call from Abilene,” her mother confirmed.

  Jess swallowed and readied herself. Of course the gossip had reached her own house. Why wouldn’t it? The hell she thought she’d just witnessed at Stephanie’s was a leisure resort, she knew, compared to what was coming here.

  Danny breezed out of the kitchen, holding a compress across his cheek. He’d almost made it upstairs when Jess spotted him.

  “What happened to you?” she called.

  “Your brother got into a fight,” her mom explained.

  “Because of me?” Jess saw him pause on the lowest stair.

  He stepped down and came around the corner. “It’s okay, Jess,” he said simply. “No one’s gonna call my sister a dyke.” Then he looked at their parents. “I know it ain’t true.” He ran upstairs like it was just another day.

  “You see how your sin impacts the whole family?” her father said. “This isn’t only about you. Danny stood up for you today.” For the first time in a while, Jess noted, he had looked at his son as if he were proud of him. How sweet, she thought sarcastically. At least her fall from grace brought the two of them together.

  “We haven’t told him anything,” her father continued. “He doesn’t know.”

  She nodded, grateful that her fight today had left no visible evidence on her face. She’d kept Danny in the dark because she wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. Even Ivy, who seemed to have compassion for all of God’s creatures, had judged her when she found out. Who was to know if Danny would be any different? Jess’s mind raced to the female rockers her brother worshipped. There were a few strong women, ones he called “badass”—Pat Benatar, Stevie Nicks and his favorite, Nancy Wilson from Heart. Surely he wouldn’t be as conservative as the rest of this house…

  “I know you said you resolved everything with your friend,” her dad continued. “But we may need to do something to put these rumors to rest. You understand?”

  What more did her father want from her? Blood? She stared blankly at him, wondering where this was going.

  “Like what?” Wasn’t sending her away enough? What more could he possibly do? “You sendin’ me to Alcatraz?” She didn’t care about her tone tonight; she dropped all pretenses of the obedient daughter.

  “Things are a little more complicated since Alex’s death,” her mother explained.

  Complicated. Meaning Abilene Thornbush. Jess’s mind was reeling. Now that the secret was out at school, no doubt Abilene was enraged at the lie she believed Jess had told her grandson. Her beloved, now-dead grandson. Who had been led on by the preacher’s slutty daughter. In pain from his untimely death, she was probably taking this latest rumor as an even greater slap in the face. The Thornbushes were many things, but forgiving wasn’t one of them. They would carry a vendetta as long as was necessary. It didn’t matter if the town’s preacher was involved.

  “What did she say?” Jess exclaimed. “What did she—”

  “She doesn’t believe the rumors,” her dad said.

  “So she says,” her mother added.

  Her dad glanced at his wife with brief irritation. “She just wanted us to confirm that it wasn’t true, which of course, we did. She seemed very…upset. But we did our best to console her.”

  The truth was—and Jess knew it—that Abilene had never really cared for her mother. She didn’t approve of the preacher choosing a wife who spoke in a “funny accent,” something she’d heard the old prune tell her mother once. She only needed one more excuse to carry a grudge against her—and this was the mother of them all. Alex’s girlfriend cheating on him with another girl. It was so salacious, in fact, it might even end up in the local paper.

  The fact remained. Abilene was a scary woman. It was common knowledge that a dead body turned up in Ranford’s Lake just outside of town. Fishermen accidentally caught
something more gruesome than fish that day. It turned out, the corpse belonged to a former employee who had crossed the Thornbushes. But there was never any proof. As the richest family in town, they could just fire people who had done something they didn’t like. Come to think of it, Arlene Greer worked for their concrete paving company, which might explain what she’d said about losing her job. The question was, what would the Thornbushes be willing to do to Jess’s father, a preacher?

  She looked at her mother, who seemed suddenly fragile, as though she was depending on Jess for her own survival. Her father was most likely fighting for his position in the community as well. So much was at stake, but her happiness was clearly not one of the factors.

  Not even to herself, she realized suddenly. Not at this point. Making her parents proud had been the only thing that mattered her entire childhood. Seeing their disappointment and devastation now and knowing she was the cause of it—in spite of her conflicting feelings about her father—she’d been programmed since childhood to care what they thought of her. It was the reason she’d change her outfits on Sunday mornings or do chores she hated. Now she was trying to figure out what she could do to redeem herself in their eyes when her father spoke again.

  “We may have to do something to show the town that you’re not that kind of sinner.”

  As if there is a right kind of sinner? Suddenly she thought of a Pat Benatar song…

  His words were clear. “On Sunday, I’d like you to read this passage.” He held up the Bible to show her. “I’m the way, the truth and the light.”

  A few days ago Jess couldn’t imagine anything worse than being kicked off the basketball team, sent to a Christian academy and, of course, being barred from seeing Stephanie. But her dad had found the most humiliating thing of all.

  “Please, Daddy,” she cried. “Don’t!”

  “It’s the only way I think we can put this all behind us.”

  The only way to make Abilene happy…

  “Abilene needs to see you as the upstanding preacher’s daughter you are,” he said.

  “You know I can’t talk in public.” She started shaking, looking helplessly to her mother for a way out. But she too was unyielding.

  “It’s a skill you need to acquire in life,” her dad replied. He enjoyed offering little life lessons whenever he could. Sometimes she’d swear he thought he was Mike Brady.

  “I…can’t.” Jess froze, holding the limp Bible that was open to the page she was supposed to read in front of most of the people in town. As she ran upstairs to throw up, she could hear her parents continuing to talk downstairs.

  “You know how Abilene is,” her father said. “We need it to be public.”

  Was her mother trying to make a deal with him? If she was, she gave in quickly, because there was no more talk, nothing at least that she could hear in between stomach spasms.

  When Jess was done throwing up, her parents’ grim faces were waiting on the other side of the bathroom door. She was getting tired of seeing them this way. It made her more depressed.

  “I can’t do it,” she insisted. She tried to push her way past them.

  “Wait,” her mother called. “We’ll make a deal with you.” She looked at her husband.

  Deal? There was no deal that was good for Jess lately, and she knew it. What deal could they possibly make? Give her a million dollars to leave the country?

  “I’ll tell you what,” her dad said, as if he were a kind, magnanimous being. “If you read this in church this week, we’ll forget about the Christian academy.”

  “What?” It was that important? Jess tried to understand what it was they really wanted. If they were so concerned about her straying from “the Lord’s path,” why wouldn’t they continue to insist on the academy?

  Then it clicked. It was so obvious. Sad, really. She smiled bitterly at the irony. Despite all their pious proclamations, keeping up appearances in town, making nice with Abilene Thornbush as soon as possible, meant far more to them than her immortal soul.

  “What is it?” her mother asked.

  Jess knew that her smile would seem peculiar to them.

  “You’d rather me read this than go to another school?” Jess wanted to confirm that she’d heard them right.

  He nodded. “We think this would make amends.”

  “Uh-huh,” she mumbled. She took the Bible, already open and bookmarked to the passage he’d picked, from her father’s hands. Now she knew for sure—they were frauds. Everyone in town, except Stephanie, was a fraud. Especially her parents. They were not the people she looked up to as a child.

  She didn’t know how, but if it meant not having to leave Stephanie, she would give in to their demands. Somehow she’d find a way.

  Chapter Seventy-Nine

  Sunday morning came too soon. Jess’s stomach churned as she buttoned up her nicest, most “girly” blouse, as she called it, and looked with great disappointment at herself in the mirror. Fleeting thoughts of her parents…she wondered what it would take to erase that disillusioned feeling.

  Her mother cracked open her door. “Almost ready?”

  “Please talk to him, Mom. You know I can’t do this.” If there was another way to make amends without being sent away…anything but public speaking. Her second thoughts had risen up like monsters during the night; now she couldn’t imagine herself surviving this.

  “Yes, you can.”

  “No!” She was desperate for an argument to prove her point. “Does he really want the whole town thinkin’ that one daughter has mysteriously disappeared and the other one has been struck dumb?”

  Her mother shook her head dismissively.

  “’Cause that’s how I’ll look,” she continued. “Please?” She was pitiful.

  “You might surprise yourself. Sometimes the tests in life make us stronger.”

  Her mother’s words no longer had any credibility with Jess. She was trying to save a marriage that maybe shouldn’t be saved.

  Minutes later, her mother called from the stairs. “Hurry up, Jess. Your father’s getting the car warmed up!” The sound of her voice had started to make Jess ill lately. “We’ll be waiting for you.”

  * * *

  Carolyn steadied herself on the banister. She’d known all along. Somewhere deep inside, she knew this wasn’t a phase. She knew Jess was different. The one thing she feared most were the reactions of others—reactions that she, ironically, was contributing to. She was sending the same message to her daughter as the torch-wielding villagers. Jess would most likely never forgive her. Somehow during this whole episode, it had become very important for Carolyn to prove her loyalty to her husband, so that he would make her part of the decisions that concerned their kids. Somehow in the wave of hysteria, she’d failed to notice how her loyalty was hurting her youngest child. Every nod of agreement was twisting the knife in deeper.

  But Carolyn always had been on the outside looking in, even as a child. She didn’t want that for Jess. To her shame, she silently admitted now that she especially didn’t want it for herself. She was so tired of being an outsider, an interloper. Since she couldn’t imagine ever leaving Greens Fork as long as she was married to Dan, she was going to have to do everything she could to keep a place for herself in this town.

  * * *

  When Jess heard the front door shut, she opened the Bible to the passage her dad had marked. She’d practiced it many times the night before, but that didn’t matter. She knew that once she saw the faces of a judgmental congregation staring at her, she’d stutter and sputter, forgetting how to read or even speak. They’d be thinking how she’d paraded around with Alex, while committing unnatural acts with another girl. They’d have faces of contempt, disgust. She fell back down on the bed.

  When she pulled herself up again, she looked in the mirror. She looked like a prisoner of war, pale with dark circles under her eyes. She’d lost weight during the past month. Her pants were so loose she could have fit another person in there. Without a doubt
, recent events were taking a toll on her.

  She took a deep breath, then pulled open her nightstand drawer, seeing all of the notes from Stephanie, bundled in order like before. They gave her a certain comfort, the peace of knowing that someone like Stephanie could think she was special and not a sinner or a freak.

  Something rolled around in the back of the drawer. She reached in and pulled out the clay rock. Her mother wouldn’t have understood its meaning even if she’d found it. Jess turned it in her hands. All at once a flood of memories washed in—their rippling reflections in the river, the overcast day when Stephanie first told her she was moving, that first kiss on the rock when Jess thought she would die on the spot. As she held the rock, she saw Stephanie cheerleading, her smile like a million jewels lighting up the gym. She felt the warmth of Stephanie’s arms around her. She could feel it so real it was as if she were there in the room with her.

  “Jess! Come on!” her mother shouted from outside.

  The rushing river, their river, seemed to move her with its swift current. And like the constant, flowing water, there was only one direction to take. She grabbed the Bible, closed the nightstand drawer and ran downstairs.

  Jess envied the cows grazing in the fields as they turned onto the road leading to town. They were lucky to never have to speak publicly. Of course if they did, it would be all over the news…her thoughts wandered everywhere, especially when she was nervous.

  Another ride to church, up to the ominous steeple…how it towered and taunted her. Shut up. She cursed the steeple. And why not? If there was no saving her soul, what did it matter?

  She held the Bible in her lap with sweat-drenched palms as they pulled in. There were already a few cars in the parking lot of Greens Fork First Baptist. They belonged to the older people, the early birds who woke at five in the morning, ate breakfast and worried about getting good seats. In fact, the parking lot was very full already. The sick feeling returned. More people, even those who hadn’t gone to church in a while, were coming to watch the spectacle. Abilene, like Kelly Madison, had a mouth that made news travel fast.