Then & Now

by Karen A. Leppert

Seth followed her into the house. “Sarah, I never meant to hurt you, and I’m ashamed of what I did. I can’t take it back. God, I wish I could.” He pulled her to him.

  Perhaps out of pity, Sarah returned his embrace. “You forgave me. I forgive you. We’ve both made mistakes, and we’ve both paid the price for them.” She pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. “It’s time we move on. I’m sorry I was hard on you yesterday. I’d rehearsed that speech so many times over the past six years. I guess I got carried away.”

  “I deserved it.” He pulled her to him again.

  “Seth, I just want to move forward. You started this…you gave us another chance, and I’m grateful for that.”

  “I promise you’ll never regret letting me back into your life.”

  “I hope you can say the same for me.”

  “I do already. I just wish we could get past this. Every time we get through one crisis, another one follows.”

  “Yes, but here we are. That should say something.”

  “I hope so. How do we move on from this? It’s awkward for me, looking at you and knowing you saw me…betray you.”

  “That was over six years ago. We’re different people, in a different relationship. I don’t have to trust you in such matters so it’s not an issue anymore.”

  Her words stung. Sarah couldn’t trust him when it came to his fidelity. It might not matter now, but what if he wanted more? “There is one more thing. You said you came to the funeral parlor to see my father.”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you see your parents too? Molly and Kathy never mentioned it.”

  “No, but I did drive around town a bit. It was hard to be there again…my father’s store, the high school, and the lake.”

  Sarah had gone to the lake that night; so had he. He remembered begging her to come and find him.

  She continued. “I stopped by your house and sat outside until the lights went out. I even went out back to the hammock and fell asleep just as you and I did that night. Thank goodness, I woke before dawn and got out of there. I guess someone looked after me. I never meant to intrude in your life. I only wanted to pay my respects.”

  “Sarah, that was almost three years ago. We could have talked then, maybe worked things out. Like now.”

  “I didn’t think you wanted to work things out. I thought you hated me, and I knew you’d moved on.”

  A combination of anger and longing filled him. “I can’t believe it. You were there, so close.”

  “It seems silly now.” She smiled up at him. “I blew a kiss at your window when I walked by. I worried about you. I asked Kathy to take care of you, to be what I couldn’t be for you.”

  “I wanted you there so bad. Kathy did step up to the plate, as they say. She was incredible, and our friendship got stronger during that time. I guess it was a blessing; it kept you in my life. She’d tell me about you sometimes, when I asked. Our friendship gave me hope of seeing you again.”

  “And here we are, seeing each other.” She smiled at him.

  “Yes, seeing each other. I’m happy about that.”

  “I hope so. It sure hasn’t been easy. I’m glad you haven’t given up on me, on us.”

  “I believe we’re worth fighting for.”

  “It’s just so hard. Look at us right now. You look exhausted. We were doing fine in the beginning, but the past is haunting us again. I wish we could leave it behind; I wish we just met.”

  “I don’t,” Seth said. “My time with you, when we were together, were some of the best times of my life. You showed me what love was…how good it could feel. I know you think I didn’t embrace having you in my life, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I loved being your boyfriend, and I haven’t been able to find that with anyone else.”

  “You will, Seth. We both will.”

  “I hope so.” With you. He yawned and Sarah laughed.

  “I guess that means this fight’s over. You’re relaxed enough to be tired. Promise me you’ll go home and get some sleep. I’ll see you Tuesday.”

  “Are you kicking me out?” He didn’t want to leave.

  “Yes, I am. I promised Newton a run, and I have to go to work. I’ll call you later.” She gave him one last squeeze and then walked him to his car.

  After Sarah jogged off with Newton, Seth dialed his cell. He had called Mom while waiting on Sarah’s porch the night before. She had coached him and comforted him, even after he confessed everything. He could hear the disappointment in her voice, yet she put her feelings aside and helped him get through the night, like so many times before.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yes. Sarah and I talked.”

  “Seth, I don’t know if this is good for you and Sarah.”

  “I can’t turn back now. Sarah’s here and I want her in my life. I only wish she knew how sorry I am and that I could make her believe I loved her.”

  “These things have a way of working themselves out. Trust me on this one.”

  She sounded so sure of herself and gave Seth hope.

  THE LETTER

  SARAH

  A letter from Lily arrived one morning, mixed among junk mail and bills. Sarah ripped the envelope open to find another, older envelope inside with a note attached.

  Sarah,

  This belonged to you…then…and, I believe it belongs to you now. I’m a making a wrong right, and I hope you’ll receive this in the way it’s intended. My son is hurting because he hurt you. Seth loved you…more than you will ever know. Please, forgive him as he’s forgiven you.

  Lily Mathis

  The envelope attached to Lily’s note had Sarah’s name and Aunt CeCe’s address on it. Just as Seth had claimed, the envelope was marked RETURN TO SENDER in bold letters, but Sarah already knew this. She had confronted Aunt CeCe, who had admitted, upon learning Sarah had confronted Seth over his cheating, that she had returned his letter.

  Now, Sarah held the proof in her hand.

  Sarah,

  I’ve spent most of the night writing this letter, and I pray

  I got it right at last. It’s important that I tell you how I feel.

  I miss you, Sarah. My life has been torturous without you. Even with everything that has happened to us, I cannot bear a future without you in it.

  Although I thought the most difficult time of my life had been several weeks ago when I said goodbye to you, this is far worse. I can’t believe we find ourselves in such a desperate situation.

  Today, I found out about your baby. The pain I feel is immeasurable. I can’t understand how things went so wrong between us. We’ve made so many mistakes. I say “we” because I’ve betrayed you, too.

  I wish with all my heart that I could tell you this face-to-face, to stand in front of you and beg for your forgiveness, but I don’t know where you are, and you apparently don’t want me in your life anymore. So, I must write my confession and hope it’s conveyed with the deep regret I feel about my behavior.

  Sarah, I slept with someone while you were away at camp. I am so sorry, and I have no excuse for my actions. I was weak and selfish, and I will pay for my indiscretion for the rest of my life.

  Even if you don’t get this letter, I have to live with the shame of my actions. I not only let you down, but myself too. I cannot bear to see my reflection in the mirror…the face of someone who so easily strayed from our love. It sickens me. What makes this worse, if that’s possible, is the fact that I didn’t even know the woman I slept with…it was just sex. I’ve traded five minutes of lust for a lifetime of loving you. I’m willing to take the punishment for my behavior, but with humility I beg for your forgiveness and ask you to consider taking me back.

  I promise to spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I will dedicate myself to you wholly and completely. I ask that you consider giving us another chance.

  Now, with the news of your pregnancy, I have questions, of course. If you do not love the father of your child…if you made a mistake too, please
search your heart and see if it’s possible for us to start over again.

  Sarah, we could still have a life together. Granted, it wouldn’t be the life we envisioned, but it could still be a good one. Marry me. I love you and believe I could love your baby as my own. Please give us the chance to be together; I know it will be hard, but I want to try.

  If you feel it’s impossible for us to save this

  relationship, I ask you to consider friendship instead. I want you in my life…I want to help you through this difficult time. I could offer a shoulder for you to lean on; an ear to listen to your hopes and dreams; a father figure to your son or daughter.

  And if none of these are possible, please know that I wish you nothing but happiness and love. It would never be too late to contact me. I will always be here for you.

  I love you,

  Seth

  Sarah slumped onto the sofa and wept. Seth had loved her and had intended to confess his betrayal. Would I have taken him back? Could I have forgiven him? It didn’t matter. Too much time had passed, leaving Sarah to focus on the present, and that meant telling Seth how much his letter had touched her.

  A phone call to Jill confirmed Seth would be home later in the evening. Unfortunately, Sarah had to deliver pizza until well after midnight, so her desire to talk to him would have to wait.

  On a good note, Sarah went through her day with a contentment she hadn’t had for some time. Seth’s letter had brought them full circle. There were no other secrets to confess. Every time Sarah tried to tell him of her “pregnancy,” Seth vehemently asked that she not bring it up anymore. This left only a future with him. The past couple of months, with the revelations and turmoil, were behind them.

  With her shift at Pizza Pizza over, Sarah headed to Seth’s house.

  Lights were on inside, so she pushed the buzzer to the gate and waited to see if anyone answered.

  A woman answered. “Yes, may I help you?”

  “I hope so. This is Sarah Matthews…”

  “Oh, Sarah, come on up.”

  Serafina waited for her in the doorway. “It’s late. Is something wrong?”

  “No. I had to work. Is Seth home?”

  “He’s in the entertainment room.”

  “Is he alone?”

  “I think so.”

  Unfortunately, darkness prevented Sarah from seeing if Seth had company. She took a deep breath and walked down the steps to the sofa Seth often lay on during their “movie” nights. He lounged there alone. Wary of startling him, Sarah tapped him gently on the shoulder. Her good intentions didn’t work.

  Seth jumped. “You scared the daylights out of me.”

  “I’m sorry. I know it’s late, but your lights were on, so I thought I would see if you were home and alone.”

  “I’m alone.”

  Sarah sat beside him. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your movie.”

  Seth turned the movie off.

  “There, that’s better. I was trying to drown out Serafina and Matt.” He groaned and rolled his eyes.

  “Well, Serafina let me in the house and she was clothed, so I suppose they’re finished.”

  He crossed his fingers. “I hope so. This is an unexpected surprise.”

  “I’ve wanted to talk to you all day.”

  “That’s nice to hear for a change.” His tone had a curious lilt to it. “Here I am. Talk away.”

  Sarah inched toward him and ran her fingers along the back of his hand.

  A worried look crossed his face. “Is something wrong?”

  “Quite the opposite. I’m here to thank you. Your mother sent me the letter.”

  “What letter?” he asked, but his shaky voice led Sarah to believe he already knew.

  “The letter you wrote after we broke up.” She kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thank you, Seth.”

  Seth swallowed hard, and Sarah wondered if she’d crossed the line. “You don’t have to thank me,” he said. “I thought we’d already moved past this.”

  She gave him space. “We have, but your letter was beautiful. Don’t worry. I know it doesn’t apply anymore. Well, maybe the last part does. You offered friendship and said you’d always be there for me. You’ve certainly lived up to your promise.”

  “I guess I’m not such a bad guy after all.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Neither of us are.” Seth took her hand in his. “This is much better than fighting. Haven’t we done enough of that lately? Let’s try a little tenderness for a change.”

  “How can I argue with you?”

  “I hope you won’t. Let’s check the scores for the day’s baseball games.” He lay down and patted the cushion for her to join him.

  Sarah shrugged her shoulders in gleeful defeat and settled in to enjoy being close to him.

  SETH

  Thank goodness the lights were out. It took every ounce of Seth’s concentration to pay attention to the television and ignore the aching bulge in his pants.

  He didn’t want to blow it, this being the first time Sarah had allowed him to be so close to her. Progress!

  It didn’t take long for Sarah to fall asleep, and even less time for her to snuggle against him. The warmth of her breath on his chest made his breath falter. Her hand, resting on his stomach, made him hunger for more. Ah, the smell of her hair seduced him. He closed his eyes and got lost in the moment, smiling with contentment.

  Seth had forgotten how wonderful it felt to hold someone and feel such passion. Could this be a sign of his true feelings for Sarah or just another mixed signal he received when the past and present collided? Rita would certainly get an earful at his therapy session but, for tonight, he reveled in the feeling of having Sarah in his arms once again.

  Although she slumbered peacefully, sleep eluded him, giving him time to think undisturbed. His mind wandered to the letter. What would have happened if Sarah had received the letter when he’d originally mailed it? He hated playing the “what if” game, but couldn’t resist contemplating how different things could be. Would Sarah have accepted his marriage proposal, and would that have affected her decision concerning the baby? He didn’t feel ready for the answers to those questions and didn’t think it prudent to test their relationship any further than it had been lately.

  When sleep came, Seth enjoyed one of the most restful nights in a long time. He didn’t need to dream…his dream come true lay in his arms, at least for a while. He woke to find Sarah gone; a note lay in her place.

  Seth

  Thanks again. Had to go to work. Last night…was nice.

  Sarah

  His face broke out in a contented smile. Last night…was nice. He rolled over and fell back to sleep, ready to relive the night in a dream.

  SURPRISE

  SARAH

  Fresh from getting approval from the powers-that-be—Molly and Pat—about her plans to take Seth kayaking off Catalina Island for his birthday, Sarah called Abby to get her okay. Abby huffed and puffed, but the house still stood in the end, and Sarah made the reservations.

  They left early Saturday morning, catching the Catalina Ferry out of Long Beach. Abby acted less than excited over the day’s activities until Sarah suggested Abby and Seth take the two-person kayak while she went solo.

  After a briefing and lessons, they were on their way. Their trip included kayaking three miles along the Catalina coastline to Willow Cove, where they would picnic and snorkel.

  Seth took to kayaking immediately and seemed to do most of the work as Abby proved to be more of an observer. He looked incredibly handsome, his muscles flexing with each stroke of the paddle. Sarah delighted in being alongside him in the single kayak, gliding at a leisurely enough pace to engage in spirited conversation while they enjoyed the beautiful coastline.

  The water sparkled from the high noon sun, and seagulls flew overhead, squawking and diving into the water for fish. A gentle breeze seemed to push them along, making the trip less strenuous and enjoyable. Abby didn’t share Sa
rah’s enthusiasm and bowed out of snorkeling to tan on the beach.

  Sarah relished her time swimming side by side with Seth underwater. The sun broke through the water to light their way and revealed another world filled with schools of fish that fed on brightly colored coral, one Sarah desperately didn’t want to leave.

  “I’m glad Abby stayed behind,” Seth said when they took respite on a rock.

  “I’m not sure she’s enjoying herself,” Sarah said.

  “I am.” He lay on his back, soaking up some sun.

  “I’m glad. It was hard to find something to do for your birthday.”

  With a look of remorse, Seth said, “You know, we never got to celebrate my birthday when we were dating.”

  “I’m sorry about that. You made my birthday special.”

  “I’m glad you remember it that way.” His fingers fluttered down her arm. “We had some really good times.”

  Sarah fought the instinct to pull away and chose to enjoy the moment. “Yes, we did.” She smiled down at him. “We should head back.”

  “Can’t we stay a little while longer? I like having you all to myself.” He sat up and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. How could she refuse him? Why would she refuse him?

  “Sure we can. It’s your birthday after all.”

  Seth pulled her toward him and kissed her forehead. Sarah closed her eyes and leaned against him. It felt wonderful and familiar. This was one of the beautiful memories Sarah had of her time with him…the feeling of belonging to someone, the feeling of being secure in someone’s arms, of loving him and being loved by him. A tear ran down her cheek; she brushed it away.

  “Are you okay?” He leaned down to look at her.

  “Yes.” She smiled up at him. “I’m happy, that’s all. It’s nice being here with you.”

  “I feel the same way, Sarah.”

  “We made it, didn’t we?”

  “What do you mean?”

  She met his gaze. “We’re friends. It wasn’t easy, but we did it.”

  “Yes, we did.”

  “Do you think we got it wrong the first time, that we assumed we had to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were meant to be friends?” Every word she spoke was a lie, but she feared she’d crossed the line.