The Fear of Falling

by Amanda Cowen

  He motions down to his hardened package, a grin on his face. I roll my eyes, laughing.

  “The same rules apply to you too,” I tell him. I am not agreeing to anything unless the rules are mutual. “I will not be at your beck and call, only to be toyed with and then tossed to the side for one of your bimbo gal pals.”

  He nods. “Fine. Shake on it, though, or it’s not official.” He holds out his hand to me.

  “Fine,” I shake his hand. “Deal.”

  “You have until noon,” he tells me.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Break it off with Thor by noon, or kiss this goodbye.” He runs his hands down his chest, gesturing to his body. He is possibly the biggest tease on the planet. He places a lingering kiss on my lips, then turns away from me and pulls open the gazebo door. “See you inside.” He winks at me before disappearing into the beach house through the patio doors.

  I get fully dressed and sneak out of the gazebo, using the front entrance instead just to be safe. I make my way up the staircase and slowly pry open Liam’s bedroom door. He’s sleeping peacefully on the mattress. A wave of guilt washes over me, feeling horrible for agreeing to end things with him, because he’s really a nice guy. But he just isn’t the guy for me.

  As I step into the shower, like nothing happened, my heart grapples with worry.

  Friends with benefits is a dangerous game. I just hope I don’t end up losing everything.

  ________

  Vanilla: the only word imaginable to describe sex before Ryan. Granted, I know my experience is not extraordinary. I’ve only been with five other guys… but never have I ever been so aware of my body and what it wants than when I’m with him. I am in my own personal heaven. Every little touch he gives me nearly brings me to my knees. His sly glances when no one is watching, biting down on his bottom lip, leaning back onto a chair with his legs spread, or absentmindedly running his hands through his hair.

  Then yesterday, he causally slid his hand under the table and placed his palm on my thigh, squeezing it while we ate breakfast. No one even noticed, but my body did. Twenty minutes later, we were upstairs in our bedroom, the door locked, having rough and wild sex.

  Multiple earth-shattering orgasms do exist. How do I know this? Because I’ve been having them… a lot of them. In the past few days, we’ve had sex everywhere. Sneaking around with Ryan is exhilarating. Having sex with him is even more incredible. And having our friendship remain intact is like a dream.

  Keep this a secret from our friends is a lot easier than I thought it would be to, probably because everyone is already accustomed to us spending time together, alone and without them. If Ryan asks me to go down the beach, no one questions it. If he asks me to join him for a late-night hot-tub dip, no one thinks twice.

  Not even Liam.

  When I ended things with him, his reaction was a lot better than I expected. With only minutes until noon, I broke down. I told him I really liked him, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I just forgot to mention that I agreed to secretly have sex with Ryan instead of him. And even though I could tell he was mildly hurt, he respected my decision and assured me it would not affect the rest of our vacation. So far, it hasn’t.

  It’s our last night in Newport Beach. It’s hours from sunset, and everyone is getting ready for our last dinner together at an Italian restaurant off the boardwalk.

  I reach for my lipstick on the sink, and apply a layer of pink onto my lips. I meet Ryan’s eyes in the mirror, watching me. He’s leaning on the doorway, tanned arms crossed over his chest, his hair perfectly styled and swept to the side, a sexy smile slowly appearing on his lips. He winks at me, and I face him.

  “Ready?” he says, taking a step behind me and placing his hands on my hips. He looks so handsome right now, so drool-worthy. And if the reappearance of that nosediving feeling in my stomach is any indication, I’m in way over my head.

  What was the deal again? When one of us feels something more, we stop?

  “You look beautiful,” he says, kissing my temple. “You in these leather pants might just be my one and only weakness.”

  “Well, these pants and also the smell of raw salmon.” I smile. “That always makes your stomach turn.”

  “You do know I was trying to give you a compliment,” he tells me.

  I glance down at my outfit again. I guess I’m pretty dressy, which is unusual for me. I also contoured my makeup and applied mascara.

  “Thank you, but you don’t have to compliment me to get laid.” I brush a little more makeup on my cheekbones and face him again. His brows are narrowed, and his lips are twisted into a frown. I ignore this, not wanting to obsess any more over his sincerity. It’s just weird for me to hear him say I look beautiful, and I’m not sure if friends who have sex should really be saying stuff like that to each other.

  “I wasn’t complimenting you to fuck you,” he says. He takes my hand in his, and kisses my palm. “I meant what I said. You look beautiful, okay? Just accept the compliment.”

  I’m at a loss for words. Just when I think I have Ryan figured out, he does something like calling me beautiful to obliterate it.

  “Okay.” I quickly busy myself with smoothing out my sheer black tank. “Compliment accepted.” I give him a once-over. “you look nice too.”

  “And maybe after dinner, we can, you know…” he adds, and bites down on his bottom lip to keep from smiling.

  “Yes, Ryan, we can, you know.” I laugh and grab my purse, leading the way out of our bedroom.

  With that, we’re back to normal. Or whatever it means when you’re sleeping with your male best friend, I guess.

  Our group meets up at the boardwalk and heads west to the restaurant. When we get to our seats, Ryan orders me craft beer, and slides it across the table for me when it arrives.

  I catch Liam studying our easy interaction. The hairs on my neck stand up when his eyes meet mine. I swear my conscience hasn’t claimed me; I wasn’t dating Liam, anyway. I really don’t like how my mind is floating with unfamiliar thoughts and guilt. Which is crazy; even though I am having sex with Ryan, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not like we both feel something and want a relationship, because we don’t. If I wanted a relationship, I would have declined Ryan’s open invitation and focused my attention on Liam.

  I look away from Liam and down at the menu, momentarily wishing I can escape from our table.

  Our dinner rushes by with a lot of pasta, drinks and conversation. The waiter clears our table, and Maisie and I head to the ladies’ room to freshen up before it’s time to leave. When we return, the guys are standing by the exit waiting for us.

  “Did you already pay?” Maisie asks.

  “Yeah,” Jayce says, kissing her cheek. “Time to go.”

  “Where’s my bill?” I ask.

  “I paid for it.” Ryan gives me a proud lift of his chin. “You can thank me later,” he winks.

  I narrow my eyes at him. Of course, no one even reacts to this. Liam is already halfway out the door with Kale. And Maisie and Jayce are hand in hand, oblivious and enthralled with each other.

  It’s not strange that Ryan paid for my dinner. He’s paid for my dinner before. But for some reason, this time doesn’t feel like those other times. Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m making something out of nothing. But when I thank him and he holds the door open for me, I think my heart drops somewhere on the floor. First he tells me I’m beautiful, then he pays for my meal, then he holds the door open for me? See. This is why you don’t blur the lines of friendship.

  As we head back to the beach house, our friends walk ahead and I lag behind with Ryan. His hand grazes my butt and his fingers entwine with mine. I pull my hand from his and playfully shove him in the shoulder to put some distance between us. He laughs at how worked up I am, and clearly must appear. The last thing I want is one of our friends to catch us fooling around. Maisie glances back at us once, a curious look on her face.

  “Stop it,” I hiss at
him. “I don’t want anyone getting suspicious.”

  He puts an arm around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head once no one is looking. “Relax, Ella. No one is suspicious.”

  I successfully shrug away from him just to be safe, and pick up my walking pace to stroll alongside Maisie.

  When we are a few steps away from the beach house, Kale’s phone dings with a text-message notification. He glances down at his phone. “Anyone want to play a game of beach volleyball? Sophia and Tiffany are planning on meeting me at the beach.”

  Without hesitation, Liam says, “Yeah, I’ll come, mate.”

  “Maisie? Jayce?” Kale asks.

  Jayce shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

  Kale looks at me and Ryan. “You guys in, too?”

  Ryan shakes his head. “Nah.”

  “What? Why not?” Kale laughs. “What could you two possibly have to do that’s better than beach volleyball?”

  I swallow hard. I could think of a few things.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” he says. “Put on sweatpants and watch a movie.”

  “Pfft. You guys are boring,” Jayce adds.

  “Tiffany is going to be pissed,” Kale says. “What’s your problem, man? Why have you been avoiding her these past few days?”

  Ryan shrugs. “Been there, done that. Not interested anymore.”

  Maisie looks at the two of us. “Maybe I should stay back with Ella and Ryan, too.”

  Jayce shakes his head. “No, you’re coming. Let’s go.” He grabs her hand and drags her onto the sand.

  “But I’m not wearing sporty clothes,” she protests.

  “You’ll be fine.”

  Everyone else takes off toward the volleyball nets. Ryan leads the way up the steps of the beach house, and I follow him inside.

  Our lips collide the second the door locks behind us. Our kisses are rough and ravenous as I press my body onto him. We bump into the wall, the railing, our bedroom door, continually shifting and pulling in our desperation. I place my hand on the knob and we stumble backward, still twisted up in one another. We strip down and let our clothes crash onto the floor as Ryan guides me into the bathroom.

  He reaches behind and turns on the shower, his lips never leaving mine. We back into the shower and step under the warm water, steam filling up the room. Everything feels surreal as he grabs my ass, my thighs, and my hips, our kisses growing deeper. His smell, his taste, his feel, none of it is enough. It scares me to think I feel helpless against this; something about this time feels different than every other time before. It’s this dire need to touch him, taste him, have him inside me that makes my body ache with this insatiable throb.

  My heart speeds up at the thought that we have the entire house to ourselves. There’s no rushing this or hiding tonight; our friends could be gone for hours. Ryan cradles my face in his hands, as if he’s read my mind, and kisses me deeply, his tongue sliding against mine.

  He pushes me back against the tiled wall, his fingers slipping into my sex. The sound of the shower drowns out our moans. When he touches me I’m lost and panting, and my body is aching, building and clenching as his fingers play inside me. A visible shiver runs through me as he removes his fingers and runs them along my breasts, my collarbone, my neck and finally, my jaw. I’m panting, swelling, and aching with need. My entire body quivers from Ryan’s touch, his lips on mine, and feeling his taut and lean body pressed up against me. I am achingly close.

  My hands are running my fingers though his messy, wet strands of hair. His hips rock against mine as he runs a hand along my thighs, then he drops to his knees and kisses me between my legs. He moves his mouth against my sex, his lips and tongue against my folds.

  I can barely breathe. I am lost to him and everything in this moment. My hands are still tangled in his hair as I guide him to where I want him the most. My sighs and moans fill the tiny bathroom and mingle with his.

  “I am fucking dying to be inside you right now,” he whispers against my thigh, placing a single kiss against my wet skin. My breath catches, and a deep moan escapes my lips as he rises to his feet and kisses my neck. “Is that what you want?”

  “Yes,” I whimper, my voice almost unrecognizable.

  My hips rock forward, searching for his. He lowers his head so our foreheads touch, and he finally pushes deep inside me. We become breathless as he begins to move in and out of me. His thrusts are steady; our hands, entwined. We move together effortlessly, wet skin sliding, each thrust becoming deeper. It’s as if time has vanished. Every position, every thrust is better than the last. I can feel myself getting close, my cries becoming louder and his name leaving my lips over and over again as he pushes me to the edge.

  My breath hitches as he deepens his stroke, and that is all it takes. That slight shift in his hips and the slower and deeper movement brings me to my release. I come undone in his arms, bucking wildly on him. His eyes meet mine, burning with intensity as he watches me unravel in his arms. He places a single kiss on my lips, whispering how incredibly sexy I look when I come. And just like that, I can tell he’s unraveling, too. His thrusts are quicker, his body tighter, his kisses wilder.

  When Ryan lets go, his release consumes both of us. His face is close to mine, our noses touching, our breath coming out hard and fast.

  He runs his thumb down my cheek, his eyes still gazing into mine. Words are perched on the tip of his tongue.

  Just as he’s about to say something, the sound of heavy footsteps coming from behind the bathroom door stops him. Both our eyes widen. He places a finger on my lips, slides open the shower curtain and takes a cautious step out of the bathtub.

  “Ryan,” I hiss as he grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. “Where are you going?”

  “Don’t move.” He whispers back, taking a step toward the bathroom door.

  Except I don’t listen to him. I step out of the tub and grab a towel too, wrapping it around my body at the exact moment he pulls the bathroom door open.

  Maisie was standing outside the doorway, her arms folded across her chest, her eyebrows raised knowingly. “What the hell are you two doing in here?” she asks, her eyes moving between the two of us. A recap of our shower and what she could have heard flash through my head, and I feel a burst of heat spread along my skin. “Don’t you dare lie to me.”

  My face flushes and I scratch my head, unable to meet Maisie’s eyes. I look over at Ryan, who does the same thing. “We are just, ah- getting ready for a dip in the hot tub. You know, hang out like we always like to do. Normal shit.”

  Maisie makes a ‘mmm hmm’ sound. She isn’t buying our story for one second. “Yet somehow, you’re both already wet and naked.”

  “Stupid me, I slipped and fell into the shower while it was running,” I laugh nervously, trying to play it off, but I know the tremor in my voice gives me away. It also doesn’t help that I’m a terrible liar. “Somehow Ryan heard me and flew in here, only to fall into the shower with me,” I say, looking over at him. He winces.

  Before he can chime in with more unbelievable lies, Maisie pipes up again. “Oh, well. Call me crazy, but if falling into a shower sounds like sex, then I almost believe you,” she answers.

  “You must be crazy. Hearing sex sounds?” Ryan laughs. “Pfft. Like I’d ever have sex with Jonesy. Maybe we should have you committed,” he adds, trying to move around her.

  “I know what I heard,” she blocking his path. “Do you think I’m stupid? Ella told me you two slept together the night of her art show. So what? Are you two like secretly dating now?”

  “No!” We both yell at once, our eyes meeting for a brief moment before quickly darting away.

  “But… you’re still fucking,” she says. Neither of us can find the words to reply. “And you neglected to tell me or anyone else this, including a heartbroken Liam. You two are just lucky I’m the only one who decided to come back from the beach.” She looks at me with narrowed eyes.

  “Maisie…” I begin, shaking my head. I fee
l an unfamiliar discomfort aching in my bones. I’ve never seen her look so miffed before.

  “Ella, are you finally going to come clean? And seriously, you too, Ryan,” she says. “Explain yourself.”

  “Okay. We’ve been fucking, yes,” he answers. “But no one needs to know about this. Especially not Liam.”

  His voice cuts through my thoughts, and I look over at him in shock. His words practically knock the wind out of me. Is he embarrassed of me? Of us?

  He sighs, “We made a mistake.”

  I imagined my heart falling onto the floor after his final blow. I think I may vomit as Maisie begins to speak. “Listen, mistake or not, I love you both. You are two of my closest friends, but you need to make a decision. Either actually be together, or stop fucking around,” she exhales deeply. “Because if shit goes south between you two, it will affect our entire group. And as much as I’d like to see you two as a real couple, I know both of you well enough to know that if this doesn’t work, not only can you kiss your friendship goodbye, you can also kiss our entire friend group goodbye.”

  A wave of nausea hits me at the thought of losing Ryan and/or our entire friend group taking sides and parting ways if we were unable to make it work as more than friends. I can’t bear the thought of losing him, what we have, or our group. How could we be so selfish?

  “We’re not—“ he starts. “We’re not together, we will never be together, and you don’t have to worry about things getting messy, okay? It won’t happen again.”

  My heart slams against my rib cage. “Yeah, Maisie,” I say purposely avoiding his gaze. “Ryan’s right. We made a mistake. Imagine us, together. How gross.”

  I move past them and into our bedroom, picking my clothes up off the floor. Humiliation and hurt settled like a weight at the pit of my stomach.

  Ryan’s footsteps follow behind me, then his hand clamps around my elbow. “Ella, wait.”

  I turn around and meet his dark, conflicted eyes. I let myself look at him for a moment.