by Karen Anne
Somehow, we ended up on the bed, and Harry was beneath me. He slowly unbuttoned my shirt, and I wanted him to just tear it off. He got the last button undone and peeled it back, but the buttons at my wrists were still fastened, so my shirt became a pair of handcuffs. I was a prisoner of my own clothes.
Harry traced my neck with the pad of his fingers and wandered down over my collar bone. He was going lower, and my chest was heaving in anticipation of his touch when someone started banging on the door. Harry snapped his hand back and looked at me.
“Just ignore it,” I said and planted a kiss against his neck.
More banging. Whoever it was, they were relentless.
“I don’t think they’re going away,” he said, nuzzling his face into my neck. I moaned in response and started tearing at the fabric on my wrists until I was able to free my hands from their cotton binding.
Whoever was at the door had abandoned banging and had moved on to kicking. “Fuck!” Harry groaned, and I knew I had to answer it. I got off him and pulled the door open.
“What? What is so important?” I said to a rather pissed off looking Brit.
“You forgot your shirt.” She pointed to my burgundy bra.
I didn’t even bother to cover up. It’s not like we were naked or anything.
Brit pushed passed me and walked in.
“Uh, excuse me? What are you doing?” I couldn’t believe she was barging in on us like this. I would never do that to her and Erik.
She didn’t answer me, just turned off the music. With it gone, I realized how loud it had been on.
“We’re going to be late. Put on your shirt. Let’s go.”
“Go where?” I grabbed my shirt and hastily buttoned it back up, covering my offensive bra.
“Kris, it’s the pledges fundraiser today. We need to be there.”
“Their stupid walk-a-thon? No thanks.”
“Hey, lover boy,” she snapped at Harry. He was still stretched out on my bed, leaning on his elbows, looking incredibly sexy. “You need to go. And I really don’t think you should come back.”
“Brit! What the hell? You need to go! Now!” I grabbed her arm, but she shoved me off and took a step back.
“Kris, everyone is talking behind your back, but I’ll say it to your face. To both your faces. You’re not dealing with your shit. You’re just burying it in him.” She pointed an accusatory finger at Harry. “He may be an Archer, but he’s not David.”
“This has nothing to do with David,” I screamed.
“This has everything to do with him! You never grieved. You lost the love of your life and aside from a bad night of tears, you never mourned him. You don’t just get over someone like David overnight.”
“I think I should go after all,” Harry grumbled. Clearly, he did not enjoy being compared to his cousin.
“No, you don’t have to go anywhere,” I pleaded, but Harry jumped off the bed, running a hand through his hair. Then he leaned over and gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Call me later, baby.”
When he had left, Brit turned to me. “Baby? Seriously? What are you doing, Kristen?”
“Me? I’m living. That’s all. Jesus, Brit! I broke up with David. I’m not the Virgin Mary… I can be with another guy. The world won’t end.”
“Are you even listening to yourself? This is not about simply being with another guy. You only hang out with Harry, you’ve turned your back on this sorority, and Sky said you lost your job today.”
“Look, I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“Well, I think you need to talk about this. I know you’ve been sleeping in and missing classes. Kris, you can’t screw up your last semester. You won’t graduate if you do.”
“Who cares if I graduate or not? I literally have no plans anyway.” I laughed. Whether it was from the drugs or hearing the absurdity of the truth out loud, I couldn’t tell. Brit turned on the light and took a step closer.
“Look at me.”
I looked at her, eyes wide, giving her my best ‘I don’t give a crap’ expression. Brit’s eyes narrowed as she studied me. “Are you on something?”
“Oh, Kris made out with a boy. She must be on something,” I said sarcastically.
“I’m serious.”
“Maybe I am. Who cares? You need to leave me alone!”
“Holy shit! How could I have not seen this sooner? What did you do? Smoke some weed?”
I snorted. Weed? Like weed could ever make me feel this good.
Brit shook her head. “But… you never smoke. You’re worried about ruining your voice. You detested every time David lit up a cigarette.” She was trying so hard to figure out my secret. She wouldn’t guess, and even if she did, it’s not like it mattered. It’s not like she could stop me. What was she going to do? Call the Erik police? Have him deny me caffeine for a week? I started laughing at the thought. It was all so absurd.
“Nothing about this is funny.” Brit looked fed up. She had such a short fuse.
“That’s the thing, Brit. It’s actually pretty hysterical.”
“Well I’m not laughing.”
“Maybe you should be.”
“What? Are you even listening to yourself? Who are you?”
Suddenly, something in me snapped, and all the anger I had been holding back over her and David’s little secret exploded. “Who am I? Who are you? You pretended to be my best friend and instead you snuck around for months with my boyfriend.”
Her eyes lowered, her guilt suddenly bright and shiny like a new penny. I wanted to punch her. “Did you sleep with him?”
“Did I what?” She looked at me with revulsion. Cute trick. I wasn’t falling for it.
“You heard me. What’s the matter, Brittany, Erik not enough for you?”
Brit shook her head in shock. I could see the feelings of betrayal in her eyes that was being overshadowed by rage. I didn’t care. For all I knew, her and David had shared more than a few rehearsals.
“Everything I ever did when I was with David was for you. Because he was too afraid to disappoint you. How much pressure did you place on the guy for him to feel he couldn’t go to you? He’d rather confide in me than his own girlfriend. Think about that the next time you get high.” She pushed passed me and stormed down the hallway.
Nope, no way. I wasn’t letting her get away so easy. “All I’m saying is it wouldn’t be the first time you tried on a few guys at once to see how they fit!”
Brit turned around, her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know who this new girl is, but she needs to go. Look around you, no one wants to be near you. Your boyfriend let you go. Your own sorority impeached you. And now you don’t have a job to cover your rent. I was all you had left!”
“That’s not true. I have people!” I cried after her, my body physically shaking with rage.
“Who? Harry? A guy who’s drugging you up so he can fuck you when his cousin is overseas? Classy. Enjoy being his shiny new toy, and the next time you look in the mirror, think to yourself, I used to be David Archer’s girl, not his cousin’s whore.”
“How dare you! I am no one’s whore! I never even slept with Harry.”
“That’s only because I interrupted you. I won’t always be around to pull you back from the edge.” Her voice was starting to crack. I knew when Brit was about to cry, and I could see her bottom lip trembling. “And to think, you were the person in my life who I strived to be like. Now I wouldn’t even want to be your shadow.”
Her words were a punch to my gut. “David chose his new life. I didn’t throw him away,” I said softly, reasoning out the madness.
“No, you did. And when he’s on the cover of Rolling Stone a year from now, maybe then you’ll realize what you threw away.”
My brain had a thought, like someone had shifted gears. “Do you still talk to him?” There was a pang in my stomach, but I was curious. Did she know his new number?
“Not that it’s any business of yours, but no. Besides, I don’t thin
k he’d like to hear what I had to say.”
“Is that a threat?”
“Maybe it should be. You need a wake-up call, Kris. I don’t know what has to happen before you see that you’re in too deep. And when you do realize, I may not be there for you.”
She walked away before I could respond. Instead of cursing her out, I just screamed and walked back into my room, slamming the door with a powerful thud. I still had the sleeping pills Harry had given me. I took two and got under the covers. My high was gone, and all I had was a headache. I considered for a moment that perhaps I shouldn’t have mixed the drugs, but it was already done. Besides, maybe not waking up wouldn’t be the worst thing.
TWENTY-SIX
I did wake up, and seeing the clock, I knew I had slept through my classes again. It didn’t matter. I dragged my body to the bathroom, took a shower, and thought about the horrible things Brit had said yesterday. They were nasty, but there was truth to them. What if I had slept with Harry? As much as I had enjoyed his kisses, I don’t think I could forgive myself if we had sex. That would have been the ultimate betrayal to David… even if we were broken up.
So, everyone hated me here. I was flunking, I didn’t have a job, and I had to avoid a certain Archer boy before I committed a deadly sin.
I needed to get away. And I knew exactly the place to go. I packed a duffle bag and slipped out without telling anyone where I was going. I doubted anyone would care. They would assume I was with Harry. Well, the joke was on them. I did have one more important person left in my life. It would be a long drive, so I made sure to fill up my tank before I left.
Jogging up the stairs of the brownstone, I rang the bell, hoping Adam was home. I hadn’t called or texted. I should have. But I needed to just be out of Pennsylvania, and Boston seemed like a good choice. It was my home. And it held no traces of the damage I had done. College had become a train wreck, one that I created, and I wanted desperately to flee the scene of the crime.
There was the distinct sound of a dog barking. Cupcake. I smiled. I hadn’t seen her since Christmas. She was part Lab, part Shepard, with soft yellow and white fur. Adam ended up taking her to his apartment when mom and dad decided they wanted to sell their big house and travel since all their kids had left the nest. Cupcake was barking like crazy and jumping against the door.
“Cupcake! Back!” It was Adam, and I sighed in relief. There was the click of the lock, and the door opened. My brother looked shocked to see me. “Kris? What on earth are you doing here?” He smiled and opened his arms, and I fell against his chest, fighting back the tears.
“I needed to come home,” were the only words I could muster. This wasn’t home, it was Adam’s apartment. But Adam was home. Cupcake was home. And it was enough.
Adam pulled me into the vestibule, and Cupcake was jumping up and down. The dog was freaking huge, and when she jumped, her great big paws hit against my shoulder. I pulled away from Adam and gave her the love she needed. “Hey girl! Boy have I missed you!” An image of Beast flashed in my mind, but I shook it away. Beast was an Archer, and I needed to stay away from all Archer boys, even the seemingly harmless furry ones.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Adam said, looking me over with his dark brown eyes. Me and my brother looked a lot alike. Some people even thought we were twins, even though we were five years apart. I looked up at him from my crouched position. Cupcake was on her back now, enjoying a much anticipated belly rub.
“Krissy?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Why does something have to be wrong? I can’t just surprise you?”
“Of course you can, but you never have before.” He crouched down beside me. “So… tell me. What’s wrong?”
“Short version? Everything.”
“I think I’m going to need the long version.” He peeled my duffle bag strap off my shoulder and walked into the living room. “I want to hear everything.”
Adam listened and didn’t interrupt as I went through the past few months. I was honest. More honest than I had been with Brit or anyone else. He looked disappointed when I told him about the pills, but I also knew my brother didn’t have the cleanest slate, either. He was by no means a druggie or anything, but he had his share of experimentation.
“How do you feel now?”
“Undone. Completely undone.” I shook my head. “A few months ago, I was president of Delta Sig, I had an audition lined up at my dream school, and I was in a relationship with my soul mate. Now…now I’m just shattered. Every choice I make is the wrong one.” I took a swallow and admitted my biggest fear. “I don’t even know if I’ll graduate on time.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Adam was livid. I was hoping for a touch of sympathy, not a lecture. “Kris, you always had your shit together. All this over a guy?”
“It’s not just over a guy—It’s David!”
“I know how much you love him, but I will not allow any man to have this much power over you.”
“It’s not just the break up… Adam, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Adam grabbed my hand, pulled me off the couch, and marched me into the hallway, positioning me in front of the mirror. Messy ponytail, no make-up, and dark circles under my eyes. I looked like hell. “David did not define you. You were a beautiful, intelligent, talented woman. You still are. She’s not gone, Kris. She’s just buried a little bit. We need to dig her back out.”
“It just hurts so much.”
Adam looked at me, his brown eyes filled with empathy. “Sometimes you have to feel the hurt. You need to wrap it around you and let it in before you can heal and move on. You never let it in. You tried to make it disappear.”
“Letting it in means…it means he’s really gone.”
“David is gone. But you’re not.”
I turned and buried my face into his shoulder, sobbing like I did when I was a child and I knew my parents were going to ground me for breaking a vase or failing a test. “How do I breathe? I can’t breathe without him.”
“You can. You’re not a fish flopping around on the sand. You’re a goddam mermaid basking in the sun.”
I laughed at that. “You’re a freak.”
“You’re the one with a tail instead of legs. C’mon, let’s go out for dinner.”
I peeked back at the mirror, I was such a mess. “Can’t we just order in?”
“No. This is your first step. Go take a shower, put make-up on, and we’ll head over to the market. Beer and oysters, on me.”
“Okay,” I conceded. He was right. I needed to start over. This mermaid needed to learn how to survive on land.
Dinner with my brother was the exact medicine I needed. I missed the sound of Boston accents and the streets I grew up in. After dinner, we took Cupcake for a long walk, strolling past our old house and reminiscing about when we were kids. Then, we went home and watched Adam’s beloved DVD of when the Red Socks beat the Yankees in 2004. It was a tradition he had. Anytime he was feeling down, he popped that game in and relived the highlights. Even now, over a decade later, he still jumped on the couch at the end screaming, “The Red Socks win! The curse is over!”
“I know this is your little feel better ritual, but it doesn’t really have the same effect on me.”
“It should. Baseball is the greatest metaphor for how we should live life. Babe Ruth once said, ‘Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.’”
“You’re quoting a Yankee?”
Adam took off his navy-blue cap and smacked me playfully in the back of my head with it. “He was a Red Sock first, smart ass. The point is, you gotta persevere. Never give up. Everything that life throws your way, you study those pitches, and sooner or later, when you swing… homer.”
I looked at my brother. In his own little way, he was quite profound.
He put his arm around me. “You’re due a win. But you gotta work hard for it? Understand.”
“I do. Thanks for the pep
talk, Adam.” I kissed his cheek and got up.
“You going to bed?”
“Yeah, I just have to make a phone call first…work on gaining that win.”
“Batting practice?”
I laughed. “Batting practice. Night.”
Cupcake followed me into Adam’s bedroom. He said he’d take the couch since he liked to stay up late watching TV anyway. I sat on the edge of his bed, and Cupcake jumped beside me, licking my face for encouragement.
“Think she’ll forgive me?” I asked her. Cupcake barked in return. “All right. Here goes nothing.” I dialed the number on my cell and waited.
“Do you need me to bail you out of jail?” Brit answered the phone with prickles of ice in her voice.
“What?” I let out a nervous laugh. “No.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I’m calling to apologize.”
“I’m listening.”
I rested a hand on Cupcake’s back, and she lowered her head onto my lap. “You were right… I didn’t face my problem, I lost control.”
“And you shit on your best friend.”
“That too.”
“Who was only looking out for you.”
“Yes, I know.” She wasn’t exactly making this easy, was she?
“Kris, I would never ever go near David.”
“I know. I was just hurt, and I projected my anger at you.”
Silence. Would she forgive me? “Where are you anyway?”
“Boston. I’m staying with my brother.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.” I really didn’t. Things felt easier here.
“You have one more midterm next week.”
“I know.”
“Come home, Kris. If you come home, we can move forward. I promise.” Her voice softened, and I realized she had forgiven me.
“So you don’t hate me?”
“No, stupid. I love you.”
I smiled at that. She was the best, and I had treated her so horribly. “I’m really sorry.”