You Be Mother

by Meg Mason

  Can u . . . u know .. (!)

  Abi.Egan89

  It’s too late. Have missed cut off.

  SRKellett

  Okthen.

  Abi.Egan89

  Am really sorry.

  SRKellett

  Geuss we’ll just have to figure it out.

  After that, Stu moved through an accelerated cycle of anger, denial, grief, acceptance and logged off.

  SRKellett

  Hey. Congratualtoins

  Abi.Egan89

  Oh. thx.

  Abi.Egan89

  I miss you

  SRKellett

  Miss you aswell.

  Over the coming weeks, they put together a plan. Stu would finish the academic year in Australia, earn his ticket working split shifts at the pub until Christmas, then fly to London two weeks before her due date. As soon as possible afterwards, they would go back to Sydney and, in Stu’s words, make a go of shit.

  ‘You won’t be able to stay at mine, is all,’ Abi said, during one of their rare phone calls. ‘We’ve not got any room. I’ll be packing and my Mum’s not been specially well anyway. Do you think you can find anywhere else?’

  ‘Will I ever see your house, do you reckon?’ Stu replied. ‘I’m worried you’re cooking meth in the bath.’

  Abi laughed. ‘Of course you will. And the meth is for personal use.’ They said goodbye and hung up. The plan was made.

  * * *

  Two days before Christmas, in the nail care aisle of Superdrug, a hot rush of liquid down the inside of Abi’s leg announced Jude’s early arrival. An hour later, in the general waiting area of St George’s Hospital in Tooting, she gripped a hospital porter by his collar and bore down so hard it began to come away at the stitching. The midwife, crouching at her ankles, begged Abi to please step out of her knickers as the baby pressed headfirst into the soaking gusset.

  At the moment Abi received her son’s perfect, slippery body into her arms, the lights of a small, artificial Christmas tree beside them spontaneously flickered on. The porter straightened his collar. ‘A saviour is born, eh?’

  He laughed, but Abi knew in herself it was true. Five hours later, Jude was deemed three days and five ounces clear of official prematurity, and approved for early discharge. She phoned a minicab and that night, on her single bed, Abi taught them both to breast-feed.

  On the other side of the room was her sister’s bed, long since stripped and deputised for storage. Whenever Jude woke in the night, and Abi needed to keep herself awake while he fed, she whispered into the darkness as though Louise was lying opposite. The 4 a.m. feed was the loneliest, when all the lights were out in the tower block visible through the circle in the frost on the window, which Abi had rubbed with her hand.

  When Jude was three weeks old, Abi got them both to Heathrow – the District Line to Earl’s Court and a change – with a suitcase full of clothes that would turn out to be too warm and a library copy of First Year with Baby. She had meant to return it before they left but when she ran out of time, the only thing was to make it hers by tearing out the fly-sheet stamped ‘Property of Wandsworth Borough Library’.

  4.

  I think he likes you more than me

  All the time, a force that felt entirely outside herself compelled Abi forwards, but now she was here finally, reunited with Stu, she was not sure what she was supposed to do. They had been apart for eight months, twice as long as they were together.

  As she grew rounder and rounder, counting the days until she could take her baby to Australia, Abi had tried to imagine what it would be like. The flat his parents had offered, Stu as a father, and Sydney, which she knew then as a composite of nature documentaries, Home and Away, and a Christmas card of Bondi Beach that her mother had acquired somewhere and hung onto because the surfing Santa always gave her a laugh.

  Sydney would not have any shit bits, that Abi was sure of. Sydney would be all new and clean, and richly populated with mum friends. Not the sort of pramface girls even younger than her, who hung around outside the Centrale Shopping Centre and let their four-year-olds talk around a dummy, smacked them on the legs until they cried and bribed them to stop with a sip of Fanta. Abi would meet nice, good mothers of the kind she planned to be. In Sydney, her bad habits would be shed like an old skin. Swearing, lying, Red Bull in lieu of breakfast. Biting her nails, sucking her hair. To be sure of that, before she left Highside Circuit for the final time, Abi stood on the lavatory in the tiny bathroom and bobbed her hair with nail scissors, wrapping the uneven ends in toilet paper and flushing them away.

  * * *

  Stu had been late to meet them. He arrived, flustered, and found her waiting off to one side, beside her suitcase and the folded pram.

  ‘Wow, early again, babe! It’s a bit of a theme,’ he said, trying to hug her in a way that accommodated the carrier on her front. A second later, he stood back and rubbed his chin, as he’d only thought as far as the hug and was now at a loss.

  ‘Would you like to see him?’ Abi said, realising Stu was not about to ask, even though Arrivals Gate B adjacent to the Avis counter was now the hallowed ground of father and son’s first meeting.

  Stu stiffened as she lifted Jude out. ‘Oh right, yep.’

  He arranged his arms like a cradle and let the baby’s head loll alarmingly before it settled into the crook of his elbow. The carrier, open and undone, hung from Abi’s shoulders like an apron and she watched Stu attempt a series of tentative bounces, until Jude released a single, sharp cry.

  Stu handed him back. ‘I think he likes you more than me.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. He loves you,’ Abi said, with the familiar fizz of a lie. But it was only to spare him, to make the plain facts of their situation happier, nearly normal. ‘He’s just not used to you yet.’

  It was the first time she had let anyone else hold him, not counting a community visitor from the South London health authority. Her mother asked once if she could have ‘a love of the babbie’, offering her bony lap, but Abi heard herself explaining that the general thinking now was that no one except the mother should touch the newborn until it was one month old. When Rae did not question her, Abi wished she’d made it six months.

  In the airless taxi that carried the small, sudden family towards Cremorne Point, Stu and Abi held hands, the heat creating a mist of condensation on the vinyl seat. Abi rested her free hand lightly on Jude’s tummy, hoping that the taxi’s furry baby capsule was not crawling with bubonic plague. Her tracksuit pants had hardened in places where patches of Jude’s spit up had dried during the long journey. She could smell her own underarms, and the beef en croute and orange juice she’d consumed 40,000 feet over Tashkent were repeating on her.

  Distinctly, from the window, Abi saw stretches of inner city streetscape that could have been the rubbish part of Croydon between Tesco Metro and the Ruskin Road. Her spirits sagged. She had imagined it all wrong.

  Abi took a deep breath and turned to study Stu in profile. In their time apart, she had started to think of him as blond, but now he appeared decidedly ginger, with such a density of freckles in the same reddish tone he appeared to be all one colour. She remembered his broad back, thick arms, and short, stocky legs, neither of which were ever truly still, but jogging busily up and down.

  Sensing her gaze, Stu turned towards her. ‘Hey, I love you, eh?’

  As she’d once noticed when Stu took her to the Overseas Students farewell, his accent also tended to waver in intensity depending on who he was talking to. With Abi, he’d mostly given up speaking in a slow drawl, laughing like a drain and garnishing his speech with impenetrable Australian slang. For taxi drivers on the other hand, the accent was dialled to its highest setting.

  ‘Me too. Massively. I love you as well,’ Abi replied, as she turned to look out the window and noticed with dismay that the Opera House was tiled like a men’s toilet, not uniformly smooth and white like cake icing, the way it looked on TV.

  5.

  Basic m
eals and snacks

  They had met at the Kingston University Student Services Office, where Abi worked part-time to subsidise her fees. It was a bleak Friday in January, and the thin ribbon of sky visible from the window near her desk was a flat, unshifting white. Shortly before closing time, her supervisor, a New Zealander called Tanya Teo who had a septum piercing and calves like Christmas hams, asked if she would be all right to wait on in case the missing student for the spring term showed up. They all wanted to go to the pub, Tanya said, and she knew Abi was always up for overtime.

  She quickly agreed, for the extra £12 and the not having to go home. Also, Tanya had been acting funny around her ever since, two Friday-drinks ago, Abi downed three White Russians on an empty stomach and accidentally told Tanya she thought of them as best friends. ‘My only friend, if I think about it. Shall we get another one of these nice drinks each?’

  As the staff straggled out, buttoning coats, Abi switched off the lights and monitors at each station. She smoked a quick cigarette through a slit of open window in the kitchenette and returned to her desk to wait.

  The last Orientation Pack sat in her Pending tray. She unclipped the attached student file and leafed through it out of boredom, absent-mindedly drawing a hank of hair to her mouth and brushing it over her lips. It had dried as hard as a paintbrush, from where she’d sucked it on and off all day.

  Kellett, Stuart Roger. DOB 27.07.1990.

  School of Architecture, University of Technology, Sydney.

  B minus average.

  Shortly before seven, the outer door rattled and through the glass Abi saw Kellett, Stuart Roger, oversized hiking pack on one shoulder, no coat. She led him back to her workstation, with added briskness to offset the fact of them being alone in lamplight.

  He swung his pack off and arranged himself in a chair facing her desk. Abi waited, wondering whether her steepled fingers were a bridge too far, in terms of officialness.

  ‘Right. Sorry. Hey, Stu Kellett,’ he said, offering her one of his meaty hands which felt unexpectedly warm and rough in hers.

  ‘Yes, I know.’

  ‘Course, sorry. Hope you didn’t wait around just for me?’ he asked, realising apparently for the first time that they were alone.

  ‘No, it’s all right, I had loads to catch up on,’ she said, sliding a campus map over the copy of Jude the Obscure open on her desk. ‘Right then, well, we better get on with it.’

  As Abi leafed through each page of his packet, turning it upside down so he could read along as she circled sections of particular importance with a Kingston University: Gateway to Knowledge ballpoint, Abi sensed that Stu’s concentration had wandered off the documents. He kept leaning back in his chair, screwing his fists into each eye, yawning and saying, ‘Man, that flight is a mother . . . I didn’t know it would be so cold . . . So are you a student as well or what,’ in a broad Australian accent which Abi could not help finding desperately exotic. She tried not to be distracted, but there was something about him, an energy that made her want to return his packet to Pending and be swept up in it. She drew a lock of hair to her mouth and silently spat it out, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

  All the time, Stu’s foot bounced up and down, in a way that reverberated through the floor and up the column of Abi’s swivel chair. ‘This is our spring term,’ she said and he laughed as though she’d made a brilliant joke.

  Although privately elated, Abi pressed on. ‘There’s a map here. K-15, that’s your hall of residence. Selwyn is one of the new ones so that’s good.’

  ‘That is good,’ Stu said, reaching a hand up inside his T-shirt and lazily scratching his stomach. ‘Hey I’m so starving. Are you done after this or what’s the story?’

  Abi felt a thrill. Had he just asked her out for dinner? Sort of? She cleared her throat. ‘So then, just initial here to show you’ve read the rules of conduct and that’s it.’

  ‘Is there anything in there about not getting dinner with a girl from Student Services because I seriously need something to eat and I don’t know where the fuck I am in relation to where the fuck anything else is.’

  ‘We’re at H-8.’

  He accepted the map, and pushed it into a zippered section of his backpack without folding it. ‘I got some supremely dodgy private taxi here and the guy just dropped me at the main entrance. He’s probably busy printing copies of my parents’ credit card by now for all his cousins.’

  ‘Well I suppose I could help you find the Student Rec because it is on the way to my security bus. It’s open until eleven o’clock and does basic meals and snacks.’

  Stu stood so abruptly Abi thought he was about to storm out, insulted by the Rec’s meagre offering.

  ‘A basic meal and snack is exactly what I feel like,’ he said. ‘Get your stuff and I’ll shout you a basic meal and/or snack to say thanks for waiting.’

  As it was, Abi was ravenous. She’d only had a snacksize Hula Hoops and two hot chocolates from the free machine all day. There would be nothing at home and her lower back was already aching with hunger.

  ‘Okay then,’ she said, glancing towards Tanya’s deserted station. ‘I’m sure it is okay, because I’m a student as well anyway. Part-time,’ she added quickly. ‘Mature.’

  Stu laughed loudly, until they reached the doors. How could anyone, Abi wondered, be so nice and happy all the time.

  ‘Here give us a go,’ Stu said after watching her struggle with the outer lock for a minute. As he brushed past her, she felt the heat of his arm against hers. A second later, the door gave a loud click and, side by side, they walked through the orange sulphur light of the deserted campus towards the Rec. Abi crossed her arms and dipped her head against a sharp wind.

  ‘What course are you on again? I forgot,’ Stu said. His hands were deep in the front pockets of his jeans.

  ‘I didn’t say. Social work. But I sort of hate it.’

  ‘Shame,’ he said, as they reached the Rec.

  His response, economical as it was, gave Abi an unexpected rush of relief. Delight almost. Because it was a shame to be nearing the end of a course you had hated from the start, that would get you a job you didn’t want. It was a huge shame. Stu was the second person she’d told, after Tanya, who considered it emblematic of Abi’s tendency to rush in. She gave an example from the week before, when Abi had gone to Clare’s Accessories on her lunch break, and immediately regretted the two extra holes in her left ear. ‘You should think about things before you do them,’ Tanya said at the time, forgetting she’d been the one to suggest it as a way for Abi to look more edgy.

  Inside the warm Rec hall, Stu picked up a plastic tray from the stack and shook the water off it. ‘Whatever the lady wants,’ he said, passing it to her and waving a hand the full length of the hot food station.

  When Abi had finished her baked potato with butter and cheese, the cheapest thing on the board, she watched Stu work his way through a plate of curry and rice, buttered bread and two separate desserts in lidded plastic bowls. His appetite amazed her. She had never seen someone eat so much and so happily.

  ‘So what’s your story?’ he said, mouth full. ‘Hobbies, brothers and sisters, outstanding arrest warrants.’

  ‘Oh,’ Abi said, desperate to be interesting. ‘Well, I was born in Southfields but I live in Croydon, and I used to have a sister who was a year older than me but she died when I was nine. And I’ve never been arrested, although I did once steal some tights from Debenhams but then I felt so guilty I snuck them back into the shop.’

  ‘Far out. That’s terrible,’ Stu said. Abi readied herself for the condolences she knew to expect if ever she mentioned her sister.

  Stu shook his head slowly. ‘Tights, eh? I hope it wasn’t a three-pack.’ He reached across the table and gave her a single pat on her wrist. It was the best display of sympathy she’d ever had.

  ‘Anyway, my turn. Last year I backed my mum’s car into a skip and said I didn’t. No brothers or sisters. My growing up was probably all right com
pared to yours but I guess we both know what it’s like to be the only one, eh? I’m my mother’s golden child, which now I think about it, is probably why I’ve come here.’ He moved his tray to the side. ‘So she can’t spit on her hankie and try to wipe my face anymore.’

  At that, he dug his documents from the pocket of his pack and ran his hands over the crumpled mess. ‘Does your official orientation service extend to showing me to my dorm?’ he asked.

  Abi said it didn’t.

  ‘What about, service as a friend?’

  ‘We’re friends now, are we?’ Abi hoped it came out flirtatious, although really, she just wanted to know.

  ‘Well I did just drop two-twenty on your potato.’ He flicked to the back page. ‘But if we’re not, then one Pra-Sharnt-Nai-Doo, School of Engineering, is about to become my main man.’

  Abi checked the time on her phone. ‘Okay then, but I cannot miss my bus.’

  6.

  Comprehensively inducted

  Abi missed her bus. When they found Stu’s dorm, there was no sign of a roommate and somehow, he convinced her to keep him company while he unpacked, which turned out to mean pulling handfuls of clothing out of his pack and stuffing them unfolded into a drawer. His back was turned to Abi who perched on the edge of a metal desk. She could not stop looking at the back of his neck, so freckled and brown, and the way his shoulder blades moved under his T-shirt. She bit her thumbnail and tried to think of interesting things to tell him about campus life, but he appeared not to be listening. So when she started to tell him about the student mixers she had never personally been to, and he stood up, took a step closer and kissed her until she couldn’t breathe, she was caught quite off guard.

  She would always wonder why he did it, why he broke away for a moment, laughed, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and started again. When it was over, he stretched his arms above his head, exposing an inch of stomach, and asked if anyone had ever drawn her before.