by Ryan Michele
It feels strange how the world outside still goes on. Lives are still lived. People eat, shit, and breathe. And we’ve been encased in this room, in our own little bubble, hoping beyond comprehension that Leah will come back. Those people out there don’t know her. They don’t care about her and if she’s gone, they’ll never know. But I will, and it would gut me.
“I got it. You can go home, Jacks. Really. It’s okay.”
He slaps me on the shoulder. “I’ll be in the waiting room for a while then the hotel, but I’ll come and tell ya when I’m leavin’.”
“You can stay in here with me.”
He shrugs. “Well if you want me to, but it’s lookin’ like you want time with your girl.” It’s what he doesn’t say that sticks with me. He doesn’t say that it could be the last time I see her or that she may not come back from this. He leaves all of that out only making my heart ache more and more. Fuck, I can’t go there.
“Do whatever ya need. I’ll be here.”
He gives me a squeeze. “I’ve got your back.”
“I know.”
Jacks then disappears out the door. I sit, taking her hand again and wait.
Fucking waiting eats at me. But for Leah, I’ll wait as long as I have to. She just can’t die.
6
Leah
Someone is talking almost like they are reading something. The voice is soothing and hypnotic, but so faint it’s barely a whisper. I try to make out the words. Instead, I let the sounds lull me.
I feel like I’m in a dream, but I'm not. I feel like I’m floating, but I’m not. I feel like I’m conscious and aware, but I’m not. I can’t make heads or tails of anything.
A peacefulness entraps me, holding onto me and giving me incredible warmth, yet the air around me is chilly and doesn’t feel quite right. How can I feel this sense of peace, yet around me feels like a tangled web?
The confusion that hits me threatens to splinter the peace I’ve found, and I quickly push it away—not wanting to leave, not wanting to give up the serenity. Here, everything is happy and tranquil. No, I dig my heels in, not wanting to leave the place where no pain exists.
The paper flutters between my fingers as I lift it and inhale the faint hint of motor oil and leather invading me all the way down to my toes. Never thought those two smells together would work, but man they sure do in a big way. The scroll on the paper looks like my doctor’s when he’s writing out a prescription, but Green’s is easier to read. At least I think so.
These letters have been a lifeline for me, each one building a stronger connection between us.
With a smile on my face, I read.
Leah,
When I say you’re fucking beautiful, I mean you’re fucking beautiful. Lying and I don’t mix, get that straight right now.
You want to know something about me, huh? Already told you about the shop, and other than that there’s not much to tell. I’m a simple man. I have my club and my bike, everything else is just shit that takes up room. Some men are materialistic wanting stupid shit they don’t really need, and wanting to prove something to their idiot friends. You won’t find that here.
You come to my place, there are empty rooms because they don’t need to be filled. There aren’t stupid rugs by the couch or those goofy ass pillows some have.
Did I ever tell you I feel like a fucking ass like this? Yes, I have the last two letters. Moving on.
I want to take you on the back of my bike. You ever been on a Harley, feel it vibrating between your thighs? Best feeling in the world. The freedom, the clearing of your mind—all of it wraps together and gives off a euphoria you can’t experience without some kind of drugs.
Yeah, you need to ride with me. Sooner rather than later.
You said in your last letter that you’re feeling a little lost lately. Why? Is it because of what happened or is there something else going on? Talk to me. Better yet, fucking call me.
Write me,
Green
Lost. Yes, I’ve been feeling utterly lost lately. Between school and my parents pressuring me to stick with a major and not change my mind, I am lost. Choosing the career you’ll have the rest of your life isn’t easy.
It wouldn’t be so bad if my parents weren’t on me every time I talk to them. I know they love me, but the pressure and the we paid a lot of money for this is getting out of hand.
But Green. He is someone I really feel that I can confide in and lean on. There’s just this aura around him that begs you to tell him all your thoughts. Not sure if everyone feels that way, but I do. The calmness and reassurance in his eyes eases everything. They’re something I’ll never erase from my memory.
On that thought, the calmness takes over and pure darkness finds me once again.
7
Green
The doctor runs this spinning spike thing over the bottoms of Leah’s feet and the inside of her hands, getting no reaction from her. Thirty-six hours have passed and the sedation is fully removed from Leah. He said all he wanted was some slight sort of movement, but he’s not getting it.
“I’d like for the three of you to step out while we remove the tube in her throat. We need to get everything inside her body going again, including breathing.”
“Is that safe? Do we know if she’ll breathe on her own?” Aaron asks while Stella has tears in her eyes.
The doctor slips his hands into his pockets and sighs, “This is the same as before. We must do it and worst-case scenario we can put her back on the ventilator. She is weaned down as low as she can be. This is all that’s left before she will become too dependent on it. But I have very high hopes that this will go smoothly according to all of her tests and blood work.”
“I’m not leaving.” The doctor stares at me knowing this is going to be a battle, one that I will win.
“Sir, this is not something that you want to watch,” the doctor says, looking over to Leah’s parents for help with me. He’s out of luck there.
“Yes, it is.”
“I could have security come up here,” he threatens.
“You could. Still doesn’t mean I’ll leave.” Honest to God, one of those fuckers comes after me to leave, they’d better be prepared.
“Fine, but you must stay over by the window and no matter what you hear, you stay put. If you can’t do this, then I’ll have you removed by force if necessary.” I give no reaction as he exits the room to get the nurses to finally get this fucking tube out of her mouth. Now to just hope she breathes on her own. At least she has a shot, my mother didn’t.
Ten minutes later, it’s taking all the restraint I have to stay near the wall, out of the way as the doctor removes the breathing tube. I can hear the bile sloshing and gurgling as the tube eases from her esophagus, and with each pull the gagging noises grow louder, causing my own bile to churn. When they finally take it out, the gagging becomes worse, but it only lasts moments. The doctor stares down at her, waiting, as am I to see her breathe. Fuck, she has to breathe. Seconds feel like an eternity as both fear and hope tangle around me, trying to squeeze the life out of me.
Come on, baby. Breathe for me.
Seconds tick by, and I have no clue how many of them. All I know is my heart is thumping like I took drugs and sweat is gathering on my brow. Nerves rake through me, and pain slices through my gut every moment we stare at her body doing nothing but laying there. I can’t lose her—our time has just started.
Leah’s body jolts, arms swinging as she takes a deep intake of breath, then she exhales only to gasp repeatedly. The doctor’s shoulders instantly relax as he watches, mouthing numbers as he does. What he’s counting I have no clue.
Relief like no other hits me and finally, the air goes into my lungs. She’s breathing on her own. Thank you. Closing my eyes briefly, I look up to the heavens. Whatever is up there I’m grateful for this gift.
The doctor reaches over and grabs a tube, and I look down to see it’s attached to an oxygen machine. I can’t help myself, so I a
sk out of curiosity, “Why does she need that?” My mind instantly thinks the worst.
“Her lungs need clean oxygen so they can start to work properly again. It’s just precautionary,” he says, not looking at me, then he talks to the nurse. “Contact me immediately if the machines go off.” She nods as the doctor walks to the door. “I’m going to talk to her parents but everything looks good.” Then he leaves as the nurse pushes buttons and maneuvers different tools and tubes around.
Only then do I walk over to Leah. I’m not sure what I expected, maybe to see her gasping for breaths or choking every time she tries, but there’s nothing. Just steady even breathing. After the nurse leaves, I pull my chair back up to the side of her bed and grasp her hand gently kissing the top.
“You’re scaring the shit out of me, Leah, and I haven’t been scared in years.”
Her parents come in, and I reluctantly take a walk about the large circle that is the ICU with my hands in my pockets. If it weren’t for her parents I’d be next to her, but after the fifth lap, I head back in to see nothing has changed.
“Son, you really should go get some decent sleep,” Aaron starts on me again.
Giving my head a little shake, I argue, “I sleep just fine in the chair.”
“Stella is wiped out, and I’m taking her to get some rest. Will you call me…”
“If anything changes,” I fill in his sentence, one I’ve heard a dozen times before.
“Thanks.” Her parents leave. It’s just me, Leah, and a bunch of machines that make different noises. But I’ve learned which sounds are the bad ones and these aren’t. It’s almost like listening to my bike, knowing exactly what is wrong just by sound.
Pulling out her letters, I turn to the next one and begin to read to her.
“Hi Ty! I’m just kidding, Green.
Thank you. Again. It seems to be my motto with you. Yesterday was amazing and I’m not going to lie—I was so nervous, but you could probably tell. Thanks for not throwing that in my face. Spending time face to face was so much different than talking on the phone or writing these letters.
Not worse either. I just couldn’t settle my nerves with you. Strange because I know you better now than most people around me. It’s scary but great in the same sense. Your bike is amazing, and you are so taking me out for another ride soon. Being on the back and holding on to you was a freedom I’ve never experienced before. One that I could do over and over again until the end of time.
My lips still tingle from you. I don’t know what I was expecting because my nerves were eating away at my thought processes, but when your lips touched mine… Oh lord, I sound like a goober again. Sorry.”
“When you ended on that, I may have crinkled the paper in my hand.” A small smile tips my lip at the memories.
Folding the letter up, I grasp her hand again, clutching it and willing her to wake up, but she doesn’t. That’s how I fall asleep, hoping that when I wake up I’ll see her eyes.
My hands move and I jolt awake, lifting my head to look at Leah. Her eyes are still closed, but her hand is twitching.
“Leah, can you hear me in there? I need you to come back to me, baby. I need to see those beautiful brown eyes of yours.” She doesn’t open them, but her body gives another twitch. Remnants of the tape used to hold in the breathing tube are still on her face. I try to wipe it away, but it doesn’t budge, so I make a mental note to get some alcohol wipes to remove it.
“My bike’s just waiting for you to get on the back again. I’m waiting for you to wrap those beautiful arms around me and press your chest into my back. We can take all the backroads and pick places to stay along the way. No destination in mind, just ridin’ and feelin’ carefree.” Her hand shifts again in mine. “Yeah, I know you want that. I do too.”
This is so different than when my mom was in here. My mom never got off the tube. Her body never twitched trying to come alive again. Her coloring was pale, nothing like Leah’s. It gives me hope that this will end differently. That this will not end up like my mother. I just hope that I’m right.
Loss is always hard on you. Sometimes worse than others, but the common denominator always is the hole the person left in your soul when they go. It’s a part they take with them and you never get back. You go on living, but there will always be a part of you missing. A part of you that will grieve for as long as you live. That is what it is with my mom. Forgetting isn’t an option. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I remember the exact way she looked in that hospital bed.
The exact way that the machines beeped to keep her alive. The smell in the air never leaves either. Each day that passes, those memories remain. It never gets easier. The only thing you have is hope. It’s all you can grasp onto, and I’m giving all of mine to the woman lying in the bed.
8
Leah
Hands come around my throat growing tighter and tighter against my skin, taking the breaths away from me. The thrashing back and forth does nothing, but it’s all I can do because I’m tied up. “NO!” It doesn’t sound like me though as I scream it over and over only to have him press harder crushing me. Darkness threatens to come and just before it does, he releases me and I gasp in much needed oxygen.
Pain cuts through me repeatedly as I scream to get them to stop, but they don’t listen and continue their torture.
“Leah!” I swear I hear my father’s voice calling my name, but he’s not here. I must be hallucinating. More pain cuts through my arm, my body jolting.
“Leah!” I hear again, this time closer, so close that I grasp for it, needing help and safety away from the pain.
“Move,” a deep baritone comes. “Leah, baby. Need you to open your eyes. You’re scarin’ the shit out of everyone, including me.” Green. It’s Green. He’s here. He’ll help me. He’ll make these guys go away. He won’t leave me alone here with them.
“Come on, beautiful. Show me those eyes,” he says, now closer like he’s right in my ear. Voices and noises get louder, but I can’t shake the guy hurting me. I try to blink, but I can’t. I try to see Green, why can’t I see him?
Screams. Lots of screams echo around me. My arms and legs are restrained, and I can’t move them though I try so hard.
“Leah, you’re safe. It’s me, baby. Not gonna hurt you, but you’re movin’ so much you’re pullin’ IVs out of your arms and you’re losin’ blood. Need you to wake up and look at me, baby. Need you to calm down so we can let go.”
We? Who’s we? As much as I want them to let go, something is forcing my eyes to stay closed. It’s almost like there’s superglue on them not allowing them to budge. Please work, I will myself.
Time passes as I struggle against the man hurting me, hearing his laughs and pleasure from my pain. I don’t want to be here anymore. Everything needs to shut off. The voices, the feelings everything. Just stop!
Warmth kisses the sides of my face as something gently brushes across my forehead. It’s not painful like the others. This I could have every minute of the day.
Slowly, my eyes open. Everything is grainy, crusty, and blurry. My eyes burn, only opening into slits. More screams echo around me.
“Leah, baby. You’re safe. Need you to stop screamin’,” Green’s voice soothes and I turn my body to him. He’s so damn fuzzy, I can barely make out his blondish brown hair. It’s only then do I realize that it’s me screaming and trying to move my arms only unable to.
“Leah! Listen. You’re safe,” Green says again, and my screams turn into whimpers as tears fall from my eyes, running down the sides of my face. “Good girl,” he says calmly, stroking the side of my face that I don’t flinch away from.
“We’re gonna let go now, but you need to not move around.”
Fear grips me hard, even with Green’s voice around me. Everything is a tumbleweed of replays in my mind, including Green and then… Another whimper escapes as I blink rapidly, trying to get my eyes to work.
“Stop!” My voice is nothing like I remember because it’s laced
with so much fear it’s not me. “Green!” I call for him begging him to come help me. His shadow comes to me, and slowly Green comes into focus. Only then do the screams stop, along with my movements. Hands release me and I move them quickly, or at least as fast as I can because they feel very sluggish to cross my chest and pull my knees up. Bites of pain hit all over my body.
“Green,” I whisper, his face coming more into focus, his gorgeous smile blinding me.
“Right here, baby. Right here.”
Only then do the sobs rack my body as Green pulls me into his arms, holding me and keeping me safe.
Thousands of ants march all over my body and under my skin, all remnants of hands touching me over and over again. The hot spray of the shower does nothing to make it stop. Having begged everyone in the room repeatedly, they allowed me to take a shower, but I have to sit on this plastic bench. The doctor said it was too soon for me to be in here, but I’m dirty—so damn dirty that I need it. What’s worse is I’m taped up with saran wrap all around my body to not get the deeper cuts wet. This doesn’t help in getting the filth off of me.
“How are ya doin’?” Green’s voice comes from outside the small curtain as shame washes over me, wrapping me in a cloak of black. My body is covered with yellow, brown, and greenish color bruises, showing me every place they hit or hurt me. Slowly healing cuts mar so much of my flesh, there isn’t a spot on me untouched. Some of the smaller spots have healed over leaving scars, ones I know will be with me forever—a horrible reminder of what happened. Even taped, I can see everything through the clear plastic.