by Abi Ketner
I sprint around to the back of the house, barging in through a broken window and climbing inside.
“Cole!” I scream, choking at the same time.
“Lexi!” His shirt’s pulled over his face when he appears, but his eyes are bloodshot and sweat’s glistening on his forehead. In his arms, my mom lies—limp.
“Mom!” I shout. “Answer me.”
Cole reads my face better than anyone and answers the question in my face because he knows I’m too petrified to ask. “I don’t know.”
Bill crawls beside him with Owen tucked into his chest. They move along the floor, gasping for air. “Mom?” Bill’s face twists when he questions me, but smoke’s filling the room so fast I can barely reply to him.
“Through here,” I say.
I climb back through the window, and Cole awkwardly struggles to get my mom through it. I take hold of her and drag her over the threshold, her body nearly pulling me down on the other side. Zeus licks at her face, whimpering. Then Cole helps Bill pull Owen through next, and then we’re all lying on the ground wheezing for oxygen.
I roll over to check my mom while Cole inspects Owen. The boy sits up as he coughs, his eyes glassy and filled with fear. But my mom doesn’t move. I put my head on her chest, and it doesn’t sound like she’s breathing.
“Don’t you dare die,” I demand under my breath. “Not now.”
“Is she all right?” Bill asks.
“Why does this keep happening?” I say to myself.
“I’m here, Lexi,” Cole says, but I barely hear him over the rushing in my ears.
“Mom, wake up. Open your eyes.” My voice breaks. “Please.”
Bill pushes me aside and touches her neck. “She’s got one.”
“What?”
“Slow like a slug,” he says, and I realize he means her pulse. “But still kicking.”
Just then, Mom opens her eyes, gazing past my face at the azure sky above us. She gasps, hacks a few times, and then notices my panicked expression above her. Her hand reaches up to me, and I shriek, the sight of her shoulder assaulting my senses.
There’s a circular mark on her shoulder, probably once black, it has now faded into a grayish blue patch of skin resembling a bruise. But I know exactly what it is. I’ve seen it before, many times. My stomach plummets to the ground. Her fate has already been sealed.
“Mom.” I bend over her. “You should’ve told me!” That’s why she kept telling me we’re running out of time. I whimper, and Zeus mimics my agony and rests his chin on my leg.
But how? She didn’t show any of the symptoms! And how did she manage to make it this long?
“What on earth did you do?” she asks, wide-eyed. I follow her gaze, but nobody’s there. “A cobra? On your head? You look ridiculous.”
At first, I’m confused. What is she talking about? Then I realize exactly who she’s talking to and my hearts sinks like a rock toward the bottom of the ocean. “Keegan, wait,” I plead. “Give me a second … please.”
“Doesn’t he …” Mom tries to talk through shallow breaths. “My heavens.” Her pink lips start turning white, and my head shakes in disbelief.
“It shocked me too, Mom. But please … don’t go with him yet.” I grasp her hands, willing myself to stay calm, but my throat is tightening.
NO. NO. NO. It’s happening too fast.
“My son, how I’ve missed you,” she says.
“Mom, I …” My voice breaks, and I’m beginning to crumble. She stares straight up, but her lips pause their murmurings as if she hears me. I quickly whisper in her ear. “I forgive you, and I will always love you.” I peek at her as she smiles her beautiful smile for the last time. “I’ll be okay. You can go with Keegan, Mom …”
And when she does, I place my ear on her chest. Her heart no longer beats, and I lose all control. My entire body convulses with stockpiled grief and the realization that my mom’s gone too.
Only I remain.
As I lie limp over my mom’s body on the hard, cracked cement, with my knees bruising, time stands still. There is nothing but the sound of my angry screams and the gut-ripping pain that surges through my body like the fire that consumed the safe house. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. My entire family’s gone, dead because of the Commander, the Hole, and the virus. All that’s left to find out is which will be the cause of my death.
Cole’s hands try to pry me loose, but my arms remain locked. “I’m an orphan.” My voice breaks, and I lower my tone until I’m nothing but tears and regret.
“Lusty, we’re here,” Bill whispers into my ear. His hands wrap over mine before I realize my grip has slackened, and he’s gently guiding me away from my mom and into his embrace.
“We’re not blood, but we’re still your family” Cole says.
“Including Zeus,” Bill chimes in. “He’s part of our interesting mixture.”
“I threw away time because of my selfishness. I should’ve gotten over my pity party and spent my days with her,” I say, ignoring them. “She needed me and I pushed her away.”
Cole waves off Bill and his rambling before focusing his attention back on me. He bends down and places two fingers under my chin, lifting my face to meet his caring gaze. “Your actions were legit, Lusty. There’s no shame in that.” I whimper with his words, not wanting to accept them at first. “Loving you has changed me. Excuse me for the mushy words but when I thought there was no way out of the darkness, you showed me a way. Allow me to return the favor.” A muscle twitches in his jaw. “Let me in.”
In the midst of his hug, I watch as Bill takes my mom’s legs and drags her body away. Her arms drag lifelessly behind her, but when he stops, he folds them over her chest. He arranges her hair and clothing so it appears proper. He stacks pieces of debris on top of her, and Owen and the other man join him. Then he walks over to me and holds out a piece of cloth with one end burning.
“Your call,” Bill says. I stare at the blackened edges of the cloth where the flame sends wisps of smoke curling into the air. I’m struggling to form words and Cole notices my hesitation.
“If you don’t want to talk. Don’t,” Cole says.
“There’s nothing left to say.”
“Excuse me for intruding,” Bill says. “But she was lucky you forgave her. I wouldn’t have.”
“Bill, shut it,” Cole growls.
“She didn’t ask me to. She felt her actions were in my best interest.” I sigh, swallowing back the overwhelming guilt that threatens to swallow me whole. “But I did it anyway, not because I understood or agreed with what she did, but because she was my mom.” Cole’s shoulders sag when he hears my words. “I’ll always love her, but that’s the most I can give.”
Forgiving my mom and understanding her actions are two very different things. I knew that when we talked. Because no matter how hard I tried, her explanation changed nothing. In fact, it may have made matters worse by raising unanswered questions—followed by complete nonsense. If only she’d let it go, just let it be … but instead, she left me more confused and without the truth.
There’s no doubt I’ll miss her, the old her, but part of me is relieved she’s with Dad and Keegan. My mom from my childhood is who I mourn, not the person here. Maybe I’m a terrible person for feeling at peace with her death. But losing her wakes me up. The reality that any one of us could die at any time forces me to realize the one regret I’d never be able to live with and I’m not letting another minute pass by before I do what I should’ve done weeks ago.
“Listen to me,” I say to Cole. “It’ll just be a second, Bill.”
“By all means go right ahead,” Bill replies. I take Cole’s chin in my hand and make him focus on me like nothing else is happening around us, because it needs to be said.
“I said too much,” he begins, but I shake my head, cutting him off, and he exhales loudly.
“What happened with my dad didn’t just hurt me—it hurt you too.” He scrunches his forehead, and I bore my eyes
into his. “Words can be just words sometimes, making it difficult to know when someone’s truly sorry.” I lick my lips. “But your eyes show me everything. I see your pain, regret, hurt, disgust, disappointment, and loneliness.” His chin trembles, and he swallows with difficulty. I raise my other hand to his face, cupping his chin, and he lowers his head. “Look into my eyes and focus.”
“Lexi …”
“Come on, guys, they’re looking for us,” Bill interjects. I hold up my hand, shutting him up momentarily.
Looking into Cole’s eyes, I say, “I refuse to waste another minute distancing myself from you. I forgive you, Cole.” He stares at me, not blinking. “Did you hear me? I forgive you.”
“Please … don’t. Not because of your mom.” His face turns toward her, but I draw him back.
“It’s not because of her.” I run my thumb across his lower lip and tilt my head to the side. “It’s how I feel.”
His gaze devours mine, and he chokes out a cry while covering his face. Tears streak both our faces as we grasp each other in a hug so tight I can barely breathe.
“Great.” Bill’s voice breaks us apart. “You’ve made up. Wonderful. Now, we’ve got to get a move on.”
Stepping back, Cole and I both sigh and clean off our faces with our shirts. “I love you,” I whisper. Weights have fallen off my shoulders, and Cole can’t stop staring at me as we position a few more things around my mom’s body. The heaviness of her burial looms, but at least I know Cole and I are all right.
“Love you, too.” A smile spreads across his face before he gently kisses my lips.
“Where’s Bruno?” the other man interrupts, causing us to jump.
“With Genesis,” Cole answers.
The man nods, his face full of fear. “They’re still out there,” the man says. “I was separated from them, and thought I’d catch up but that didn’t work out.” He runs his dirt crusted hands through his floppy, brown hair.
“Genesis?” Bill interrupts. “She’s with you?” I nod. “Oy, I’ve missed a lot.” He grabs a bottle from his waist. This time, I’m half-tempted to join him. I turn back to the stranger.
“How’d you get separated?”
“Genesis said they had a change of plans,” he replies while shaking his head. “She pulled Bruno’s team and the reserve team with her to hit the training center. She said you guys were meeting there, but I got confused and came here.” He sighs. “But it’s apparent she wasn’t aware of what happened here.”
“The plan was to meet up first,” Cole says warily. “She knew that.”
Bill clears his throat. “I’m just gonna stand here. And drink. Because I’m lost like a puppy without a home.”
“They were unable to hit the convoy,” the man replies. “Genesis wouldn’t go off course unless it was her only choice. Trust me, she’s smart and won’t jeopardize lives if it’s avoidable.”
“Well, either way, it’s time to find my brother,” Cole says. He glances in my direction, and I sense he’s waiting on me.
“Not without me, you’re not,” I say.
“You sure?” he asks gently.
“Stupid question.” I straighten my shoulders but can’t help my shaking hands. “My mom’s already gone, but Bruno isn’t. There’s no other choice to make.” Bill hands me the lit cloth, and I inhale deeply before leaning in and lighting the stack of wood and debris he piled over my mom’s body. Cole’s hand rests on my shoulder, his lips pressed together as the flames reflect in his eyes. It sparks and crackles as it burns, the stench hitting my nose and forcing us all to turn away. I swallow the lump in my throat as Cole grabs my hand.
“I got this,” I say.
“One question.” Bill raises an eyebrow and then puts his bottle away. “Who’s the kid?”
Owen cowers away from him, his big eyes wide and alert. “His name’s Owen,” Cole says, just as a surge of compassion washes over me. Owen loved her too. In the little time he spent with my mom, he learned to trust her. I gather him in my arms and kiss the top of his head.
“And he’s a part of our family,” I say adamantly.
“Of course,” Cole says.
Owen whimpers. “It’s okay,” I say softly to Owen. “I’m sad too.” He squeezes my neck tighter.
As we gather up our things and move out, I silence the part of me that whispers to run back and make sure her body burns into ashes and drifts away, the part of me that wants to crumble and just give in to Wilson for all the pain he’s brought upon my family. Instead, I focus on the ones who haven’t left me. Cole, Bruno, Bill, Owen … And, soon enough, we’re going to get Sutton back, too.
One step. A cloud of numbness settles over me. Two steps. The realization she’s gone replays in my head. Three steps.
My windpipe feels strangled, as if by wire, or torn by thorns. Pain flips to anger. Wilson’s life will end with my gun boring toward his concrete heart, the barrel screaming the names of those we’ve lost. My hands will be steady, eager, and without hesitation, I’ll pull the trigger over and over, with speed, accuracy, and revenge, until my magazine’s empty.
Pretty soon, we’re four blocks away, and I can clearly make out where the convoy went through the checkpoint and into the parking lot under the hospital. Getting in there will not be a pleasant task. The hair on my arms raises just thinking about it.
“Where’ve you been, Bill?” Cole asks as we walk. He squints against the blinding sunlight, sweat dripping over the creases in his forehead.
“Out and about,” Bill says in a nonchalant way. “Searching for you.”
“We’re right where you left us,” I say with sarcasm.
“If you made it, then what about the files?” Cole asks. I pause mid-step, remembering the files that held proof of the virus that Bill and Roméo attempted to smuggle out of the Hole, but before Bill answers, Cole motions for Zeus to stop beside him as we come within one block of the towering hospital. We take cover behind another building and check for Genesis and Bruno. Still no sign of either of them or their teams. If anything happens to Bruno, I might just finish Genesis myself this time.
“Made it,” Bill says, taking me off-guard.
Our mouths drop open in unison. “How?” Cole asks. “You’re not serious?” I ask.
“Sure am.” Bill cocks his head. “Said I would, didn’t I? Just hope they made it into the right hands.”
“You have no idea?” I ask, incredulous.
“Nope. I handed them off, don’t know where they got to after.” Disappointment makes me shake my head at him. I should’ve known better than to believe it was possible that our plan would work so smoothly when nothing good has ever happened to us.
“How reassuring,” Cole retorts. “Then what? They shoved you back in the Hole and didn’t question you?”
“Where’s the faith, my man? Did you happen to forget I’m a sneaky devil?”
Cole presses himself against the wall of the building and signals with the light to show the others where we are—if they’re watching.
Finally, a light flickers back. I can’t keep track of everything around me, and Bill’s words spill through my brain like mercury. “I still can’t fathom how you made it out of the car without a scratch,” I whisper. The car blowing up and bursting into flames replays in my head.
“I’m also a ninja,” Bill says. “But in all fairness, my hair was singed off, and the back of my neck was burnt, and I felt like every damn bone in my body was broken. But not bad considering.”
“Quiet,” Cole hisses.
“What’s the matter?” I ask Cole.
“Listen.”
“I don’t hear anything.”
“Sounds like a load of guards patrolling. Probably because of the mess we created at the gate.”
“Now what?” I ask, wrapping my hand protectively over Owen’s shoulder as he leans against me.
“Follow me,” Cole says, moving away from the hospital.
“You’re spooked,” Bill says. “Not co
ol, Cole.”
“It’s called taking necessary precautions.”
“But Bruno?” I ask, failing to silence the voice in the back of my head that screams we can’t lose one more person.
“He’s a survivor,” Cole says. “He’ll find us.”
Bill reaches for his little bag, which clanks as soon as he picks it up. In the midst of everything, I didn’t notice he had it tied around his waist. I raise my eyebrows at him in a questioning stare. “What? You can’t expect me to survive without my bottles,” he says.
“Bill, it’s the noise I’m worried about, not your drinking problem. Here, hand me your bag.”
He squints at me, looking me up and down, pulling his bag into his chest. “Over my rotting corpse,” he says, hugging it tight.
“For crying out loud, I’m fixing the problem, not taking away your alcohol!”
“Oh. Well, in that case, Lusty, have at it.”
I narrowly avoid telling Bill just how much he annoys me. After all, he helped take care of my mom’s body, not to mention all the others he loved as well. Reaching into my bag, I take out extra clothes I picked up and roll Bill’s bottles up like a burrito. He watches me with amazement, but then he crinkles his nose. “Ew. Something died in there.”
“Dirty socks and rotting clothes makes a wonderful aroma,” I say with a smile.
“You planned this. To kill me, right?”
Owen watches us interact, making a funny face every time Bill speaks.
“Don’t be so dramatic. Look.” I zip his bag and push it toward him. “No clanking and no smell.”
Bill sniffs and shrugs before slipping his arms through the straps and securing the bag on his back. I do the same with mine. “Here’s to hoping the zipper doesn’t bust,” Bill murmurs. Beside him, Owen cracks a thin smile.
“We need a safe place to talk,” Cole says, interrupting our conversation.
He leads the way, and he doesn’t head straight. He turns left, but Bill keeps leaning right. So, for most of the trip, I hold on to his forearm so that he doesn’t topple over and slam into a fragile building. That’s all we need … an entire building collapsing around us.