Fifteen Going on Grown Up

by Stephanie M. Turner

  “I know Hals, we feel the same way. But, really, there was nothing any of us could do. Obviously Dana was in a very bad way, but even her own mates didn’t know anything or do anything.”

  Clia stated.

  “What a horrible life to have.”

  Corrinne said in a soft voice. This brought tears to Hally’s eyes. Tears because of the loss of such a young person; tears because of the desperation and loneliness of the girl who had treated her with such hatred and tears because she felt privileged to have a family and friends who loved her. Corrinne and Clia hugged her from either side and for some time the three sat huddled and quiet.

  “Hello!”

  A voice called from the kitchen. Hally leapt up recognising the voice as belonging to Wes. As she reached the kitchen she saw him holding the back door slightly open with his head poking through the gap.

  “I knocked a couple of times, but I don’t think you heard.”

  He told her as he came fully into the room.

  “Your mum rang me and said Corrinne and Clia were with you, but I wanted to see for myself how you were doing.”

  “My mum rang you. how?”

  Wes hugged her and laughed.

  “Uh, they call it a phone.”

  He said jokingly. Hally play thumped him on the arm and giggled.

  “I meant, how did she get your number?”

  “I gave it to her last night when you went to get changed and asked her to call me anytime, even through the night if she wanted me to come round.”

  Hally hugged him tightly, all the joking put aside.

  “That is so very lovely.”

  She whispered into his shoulder. Wes hugged her back, then with his arm around her led her back to the girls in the lounge, where Hally took her place between her friends and Wes settled on the floor resting against the sofa. They watched the film and ate chocolates and though Dana’s suicide was very much in Hally’s mind; she kept pushing it back and tried to enjoy the company of three of the most important people in her life.

  The next morning Hally walked into school with Corrinne, Clia and Wes feeling very apprehensive. She knew how quickly news got around the school and she was sure everyone would know about Dana. What she wasn’t sure about was whether anyone knew about her involvement. There was no sign of Penny or any of the other girls in Dana’s gang and the boys who usually hung out with them seemed to have drifted away to other groups.

  Registration went ahead normally but Hally could see some of the students giving her sly looks. However none dared question her with Mrs Jacobs commanding silence throughout. But, as soon as she dismissed them for their first lesson she was bombarded with questions.

  “Did you find her Hally?”

  A girl called Rachel asked.

  “Yeah, what happened?”

  Asked a boy she only knew was nicknamed Pickle. Clia and Corrinne saved her, they linked arms on either side of her and marched her through the throng calling out as they moved.

  “No she wasn’t there, and she doesn’t know anything about it, even if you have heard different.”

  It was a relief to arrive at English and settle down in the classroom. Mr Austin was there so no one had any chance to question Hally further. The lesson progressed normally, but it seemed to fly by to Hally and she was quite disappointed when the bell went indicating the end of the lesson. As she gathered up her things Mr Austin came over and said quietly.

  “Could I just have a quick word?”

  “We’ll wait outside Hals.”

  Corrinne told her. She gave her friends a thankful smile and waited whilst the remaining students left.

  “Mr Hopkins has explained what happened Hally. All I want to tell you is that I am a trained counsellor in trauma. The school believes it’s important for the students to have someone to talk to about things like this, so if anytime you feel it’s getting too much or you just need to talk about how you feel about this; well just let me know.”

  Hally was a little taken aback about this. She hadn’t thought at all about herself needing support, if anything she imagined Penny would need it. She didn’t voice this though but instead shyly thanked him and went to meet the girls outside.

  As English had been a double lesson, they went straight to break and much to Hally’s relief Wes was waiting on their bench. This completely discouraged any other students from coming over to question her. However she knew it was only a short reprieve; that she would undoubtedly have students coming up to her throughout the rest of the day wanting to know any little titbits she could impart.

  Somehow, Hally got through the rest of the day without too much trouble. She had one really uncomfortable moment when at the end of the day outside the school gates she saw a van with the local news logo on the side. Milling around was a television crew interviewing a few students, and when they saw her, a few pointed at her. The reporter immediately headed towards her. Wes who had been waiting outside her last lesson of the day tried to steer her away, and when he failed to accomplish this put his arm around her protectively instead. Corrinne and Clia closed in on either side too, so the reporter was unable to get too close. Trying to get as close as possible the reporter leaned in. He was short with thick dark curly hair, an orangey looking tan and brows that looked like caterpillars wiggling across his forehead as he raised them when he spoke.

  “Hello, my name is Daly Fesandelo. Could I ask you about Dana Edwards?”

  He thrust a large microphone towards her.

  “No, I don’t know anything.”

  Hally replied nervously. Daly tried to inch nearer and she backed away. His eyebrows really did look peculiar and she felt laughter bubbling up. Help came with the deep authoritative voice of Mr Hopkins.

  “Really. This is unacceptable. I cannot have you trying to interview my students outside the school gates.”

  As Daly Fesandelo turned to the head teacher Hally and the others made a quick escape. They knew all the cut throughs away from the school and were able to put some distance between themselves and the television crew.

  They headed for Hally’s and were all relieved to find mum already at home when they got there. Hally flopped onto a kitchen chair and miserably told her mother about the day. Mum gave them all drinks and snacks and gently massaging her daughter’s shoulders said.

  “It was bound to happen baby. But it sounds as though you all handled it well.” She turned to Wes and the girls. “And thank you for taking care of her.”

  Nobody said anything, they knew they didn’t need to.

  “Think about what Mr Austin said though darling. I know you have all of us to support you, but he has had professional training and you never know, it might help.”

  Mum told Hally. Hally swivelled in her chair to look up at her mum.

  “But I feel ok. I mean it’s really sad and it was a huge shock at first, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

  “I know baby, I know. But he’s there just in case.”

  Mum told her as she squeezed her shoulders gently. Hally nodded and left the subject there. There was a loud crash from upstairs which made them all jump and mum quickly moved towards the hallway.

  “Nathan, what have you done!”

  She called on the way. Hally and the others laughed. Hally was grateful to her little brother, the diversion was a relief, even though she knew he had probably created an enormous mess for her mum to clear up.

  After dinner Hally sat with her family watching the television. The local news was on and though she was looking at the screen, she wasn’t really concentrating on what was being said. Her mind was all over the place. Thoughts of Dana just kept invading her little daydreams about Wes and this annoyed her. Mum and dad were partly watching and partly chatting, and Nathan was playing on the floor with his cars. Suddenly her attention was brought back to the television when she heard one of the newsreaders say Dana’s name. Everyone except Nathan, went completely quiet and watched with full concentration. It wa
s a short piece, and showed the reporter Daly Fesandelo outside the school. There was a brief moment when Hally saw herself, then the report cut to Daly solemnly telling the viewers about the tragic suicide of Dana. They watched in silence, and after mum quietly came over to the chair Hally was curled up in and wrapped her arms around her.

  That night Hally had the worst nightmare of her life. She awoke sweating and frightened and lay for some time as real life replaced the horrors of the subconscious. She didn’t want to wake her parents, but wished she wasn’t alone. She looked at her clock and saw it was just after three. Debating what to do she finally reached for her mobile phone. Before she could change her mind she rang Wes. He answered quickly.

  “Hally what’s wrong?”

  The panic in his voice made her feel very guilty.

  “It’s ok. Oh I feel stupid now…sorry to wake you…”

  She stammered, her face heating up even though he couldn’t see her.

  “Hally, babe, what is it?”

  He asked quietly. There was such gentleness in his voice that tears began to flow.

  “I just had the most horrible nightmare.”

  She whispered. He sensed she was crying and replied.

  “I’m coming over. Can you wait in the kitchen? I don’t want to wake your family.”

  Hally tried to protest but he wouldn’t hear it, so she nodded then realised he couldn’t see her.

  “Ok, and thank you.”

  Then he was gone.

  As quietly as she could Hally slipped out of bed and put on her fluffy dressing gown and matching slippers. She tip toed out of her room and down stairs. She didn’t turn on any lights until she reached the kitchen, and because of this the nightmare invaded her thoughts and she began to shiver with the fear of it. She partly wished she had woken her parents instead of ringing Wes, but the thought of seeing him helped alleviate her terror.

  Much to Hally’s surprise Wes arrived in record time. He was a little breathless and felt somewhat sweaty when he pulled her into his arms.

  “I jogged most of the way.”

  He told her by way of explanation in a hushed voice. She felt exhilarated that he had gone to so much effort just because she was afraid and upset and held onto him tightly, tears beginning again.

  “I woke up and it seemed so real.”

  She mumbled into his sweatshirt. He rubbed her back gently murmuring soft words of comfort. Then he led her to a chair and turned to put the kettle on. When they were both sitting with hot chocolate, Wes asked her to tell him about the dream.

  “I was back in Dana’s house, but on my own this time. I could see my number on the calendar and it seemed to be much bigger and it was flashing red. Everything was really quiet and there didn’t seem to be anyone there, just me. Then I heard a sound from upstairs. I realised someone was calling my name. It was weird, like a radio station slightly out of tune, it seemed to come and then fade. I had to go up the stairs, yet I knew there was something up there that I didn’t want to confront. I went up and only one door was open. Dana was standing in the doorway, she was grey and was pointing at me. Then she said in that weird voice. “Hally why didn’t you help me?” then she sort of floated towards me with her hands reaching for me, and that’s when I woke up.”

  She shivered at the memory of the nightmare and Wes came around the table and put his arms around her. He whispered gently.

  “Maybe you should go and see Mr Austin.”

  Hally nodded into his forearm.

  “I think maybe I should. I’ll speak to him tomorrow. Oh cripes, it already is tomorrow, it’s gone four. Oh Wes I’m sorry, you must be shattered.”

  Laughing softly Wes kissed the top of her head.

  “I’m alright.” And at the disbelieving glance she gave him. “Really, I am, and I will stay with you as long as you want me too.”

  They were still sitting in the kitchen quietly talking when dad came down at half past six to get ready for work. He gave a startled “Oh!” as he saw them. Hally stood up and refilled the kettle for her father.

  “I had a really bad nightmare and didn’t want to wake you and mum, so I rang Wes and he came over.”

  Dad nodded, accepting the explanation, but answered with a little frown.

  “Darling, we wouldn’t have minded you waking us.”

  “Waking who? Oh, hi Wes”

  Mum said as she came into the kitchen too.

  “Have I missed something?”

  Hally made tea for them all and explained to her parents why Wes was there so early, and though it gave her more tremors, retold the nightmare to them.

  “I’ll call the school and tell them you won’t be in today.”

  Mum stated matter-of-factly. Hally quickly shook her head.

  “No it’s alright mum. I want to go in, and I will go and see Mr Austin. I’m sure the dream was just a reaction to yesterday, you know the questions and that reporter. I don’t want to sit around all day it will probably make me think about it more than I should.”

  Mum didn’t argue, instead busying herself with breakfast preparations.

  Hally saw Mr Austin before lunch. She was surprised by how comfortable she felt sitting and bearing her soul. For an hour, she talked about the bullying she had suffered and the trouble Dana had caused at the party. She talked about how her relationship with Wes had helped her become more confident; and she poured out all her fears about the guilt she felt over Dana.

  Mr Austin sat and listened, rarely commenting or questioning. By the end of the session he had made a few notes which he went through with Hally.

  “I just have to keep a brief record of this meeting, but it is all confidential and kept locked in the main office.”

  He told her as he placed the notes into a new folder with her name on the front. Hally wasn’t at all worried about this; she felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her.

  “I think you are very strong Hally. You have a supporting family and friends and having nightmares is a way of our minds dealing with our fears. By talking about it, you are helping yourself analyse it. I won’t make formal appointments for you to see me because I think you will find a way to deal with this yourself. But, I would like to stress, that you should keep talking to your family and friends, and any time you need to see me, I will be available.”

  The fact that this statement didn’t bring tears to Hally’s eyes showed her how far she had already come. She thanked him and made her way to meet Corrinne and Clia from their respective maths lessons.

  Chapter 11

  Wes and Gran

  Over the next two weeks, interest in Dana began to wane and Hally found herself being bombarded with questions less and less. Although this was a great relief, it also filled her with a deep sadness. It was like people were forgetting who Dana was. There was no one to care, she had no other family and her friends, though sometimes seen huddled together holding tissues; were more often seen causing trouble for the teachers or other students.

  Despite what Dana had put Hally through over the years, she had asked PC Duston to let her know when the funeral was. Hally’s parents expressed concern over her intention to go, but respected their daughter’s wishes and mum said she would go with her. Corrinne, Clia and Wes all said the same and so it was on a very cold, dull Friday morning late in October; that the small group made their way to the local church. The hearse was already there, the coffin still inside. Hally could see two wreaths laying on top, one she recognised, a simple arrangement of white lilies, which they had ordered; and wondered who the other was from.

  Quietly they made their way inside and pitifully saw just two people there who were not from the funeral directors. One was Reverend Hayward, and the other was Mr Hopkins. Now Hally understood the other wreath must have come from the school. There was no sign of Penny or any of the other girls Dana had been friends with, and Hally realised that friends was obviously not a word Dana knew much about. The complete loneliness and aloneness of the girl brought
tears to Hally’s eyes and she leaned into Wes and quietly let them flow as they took seats in the front pew.

  The service was short and poignant, so too was the burial. Hally was all cried out by then; and simply stood in the cold next to her mum, friends and boyfriend on one side of the grave with Mr Hopkins on the other. When it was over, Mr Hopkins spoke briefly with the Reverend, then thanked Hally and the others for coming. He told them he did not expect them to come into school for the rest of the day, then he turned and left them so that he could return to school.

  The Reverend also thanked them and left them and for a while they just stood looking into the grave. Mum put her hand on Hally’s shoulder and gently said.

  “Come on love. Let’s go.”

  Hally looked up at her mum.

  “Can I just have a minute here by myself?”

  Mum glanced worriedly at Wes and he answered.

  “Ok babe, we’ll just wait by the gate. Don’t get cold.”

  He kissed her gently on the cheek, then they all turned and slowly walked towards the arched entrance to the church.

  Hally stared into the grave at the five red roses they had dropped onto the coffin. She felt numb and not just because the day was so cold. She just could not comprehend how a mother could leave her child so alone to fend for herself. Nor could she understand how so called friends could not even come and say a last goodbye. She sighed deeply, so grateful for what she had.

  “Sorry to disturb you love, but we have to get on here.”

  Two men in work clothes with shovels stood nearby indicating the open grave. Hally gave a little start and then a shudder. She did not want to be there when they filled in the gaping hole with the heavy soil, which she only just realised was close and covered with what looked like a green grassy looking cover.

  “Oh! Um, sorry, I’m going now.”

  She mumbled, and quickly turned and walked hurriedly away from the grave. She reached the others without looking back. Wes took her hand and together they all made their way back to Hally’s home.

  Over the next two weeks Hally plunged herself into her schoolwork. Although not really behind, she felt the time she had taken away from school had impacted on her studies. Corrinne and Clia had the same attitude and the three friends spent evenings studying together, sometimes Wes joined in, but most evenings with him she spent alone. Occasionally, Hally got scared that the time she gave to Wes was time away from the girls, and during the night when she was alone in bed; she would imagine Corrinne and Clia getting closer but further away from her. In the mornings, when she was fresh and rested and they all met up for school and they were just their normal selves; she pushed these fears deep down and away.