Seconds to Snap

by Tina McGuff

  Now I applied for courses all over the world and had one earmarked at Kansas State University. I got in touch and we connected well. My fees were agreed and I was set to leave just over a year later – in January 1995. I was sad to be leaving my dad, of course, and the bar and all my friends and family, but I had a burning desire to do this and nothing was going to deter me. In the meantime, I carried on with my life at full tilt – working the bar, flying, hill walking and the TA. I had no time for anything else and I was certainly not interested in having a relationship. I was just too darn busy! And yet, on Christmas Day 1993, all that changed …

  Chapter 17

  Jock

  Christmas Day 1993 – the bar was fizzing with joy as I rushed around in my pinstripe trousers and white shirt, taking orders, serving drinks and greeting all our customers. Christmas was always the best time to work in Dad’s bar – we had a great kitchen and prided ourselves on serving good food, so it was little wonder we were usually full and mad busy. There was a buzz and hum to the restaurant that day as families toasted each other, pulled crackers and weaved tipsily through the tables to wish each other a ‘Happy Christmas’.

  By 1 p.m., service was in full swing and there were only a couple of tables yet to arrive. Just then, Ally and George, two of our regulars, came down the stairs into the dining room from the pub above, ready to take their places for lunch. I looked up briefly, checking them off against the reservations list in our book and, at that moment, I got the shock of my life. Following them down the stairs was a very tall, handsome man with dark hair and eyes. I couldn’t look away – he was gorgeous! I don’t know what happened to me then but it was like I was struck by a feeling I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t take my eyes off him for a second! Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to grab three menus and waded through the tables to greet my friends.

  ‘Ally! George! Merry Christmas!’

  ‘Merry Christmas, Tina!’ they both replied, and smiled back at me.

  ‘And who’s your friend here?’ I asked straight away, keeping my eyes locked on his. I saw then that he was grinning broadly and I couldn’t help smiling back.

  ‘Tina, meet Jock.’ I put my hand out and he took mine in a strong, firm grip. I didn’t hesitate for a second. It was as if an invisible force was drawing me towards him. Wow, this was something else! All of a sudden, it felt like the room was spinning and I could see from the look in his eye that he knew. He knew! But I had to get down to business, so I showed them to their table and went back to the bar to get their drinks order. Oh, my God, I could hardly think straight! What was happening to me? I was dizzy; I was in love! I kept stealing glances at Jock, and every time I did so, I found he was staring straight back at me; it was electric. My heart thumped crazily in my chest and my legs went to jelly.

  ‘Here, Janine!’ I caught one of the waitresses on her way back to the bar with an empty tray. ‘Can you take these drinks to table four, please?’ I nodded over at Ally’s table.

  ‘Aye, no problem!’ she replied, not even questioning why I couldn’t do it myself. I wanted to – very badly – I wanted any excuse to get back to that man again but, the fact was, I was shaking so much, I was afraid I would spill their drinks. I wanted to know Jock, I had to know Jock; I knew in my heart I was in love.

  The rest of the lunch service passed in a complete blur – we were so busy, I hardly had time to think and yet all I wanted to do was go over and speak to Jock. But what could I say? Though I had dated a couple of guys in the last few years, there had been nothing serious and I had never in my life felt so strongly before. My head and heart were all over the place. It was hard enough to keep focused on the customers.

  Eventually, and without my noticing, the clock rolled around to 4 p.m. and, before I knew it, I was staring at an empty dining room. They had left half an hour before and I was so busy, I hadn’t even got to say goodbye! Now, as the final customers moved up to the pub, I sank down onto a stool. What if I never saw him again? Had I blown this one chance? After all the adrenalin and excitement of the afternoon, I felt drained and mystified. What happened today? It just didn’t make any sense.

  The next few days dragged by as my thoughts tumbled round my head. I couldn’t get this man out of my mind and yet he was a complete stranger to me. It was such a relief when Ally came in a few days later – I was all prepared to interrogate her when she opened with: ‘Hey, Tina – Jock has been asking about you!’

  My heart nearly exploded with happiness. He had asked about me! He liked me, too!

  ‘Yeah?’ I was grinning like an idiot. ‘And what did you say?’

  ‘I said: “You’ve got no chance with Tina, Jock. She’s only interested in flying, the Army, hill climbing and reading!”’

  This was annoying – it was true I wasn’t flirtatious and had never shown the slightest bit of interest in most men, but this was different.

  ‘So what did he say to that?’ I was trying to be casual.

  ‘He just smiled! I told him, though – I said he’s too old for you! He’s thirty-five.’

  ‘Really? I thought he was very good-looking, actually.’

  Ally’s eyes widened with surprise.

  ‘Are you joking? We’ve all got a sweepstake that you would be the last person in the world to get into a serious relationship!’

  ‘Cheeky buggers!’ I laughed. ‘Well, you never know! Tell me about him.’

  ‘Aye, well, he’s a lovely guy, I’ll tell you that. Sad story, though – he’s got two boys from his marriage, which broke up just over a year ago. He caught her having an affair – with his friend and everything. Poor man! Anyway, he sees his boys at the weekend. That’s why he was with us on Christmas Day – the bairns were with their mum.

  ‘He was a well-known ice-hockey player in his day and he’s still involved with coaching, but he moved into the oil industry and now he’s an electrician.’

  I was more intrigued than ever. That evening, as I was mulling over this information, Dad came over to the bar stool where I was sitting.

  ‘A penny for them?’ he asked.

  ‘What?’

  ‘A penny for your thoughts – what’s up?’

  ‘Oh, nothing.’

  Dad’s eyebrows shot up – he clearly wasn’t about to be fobbed off.

  ‘All right, then.’ I was close to my dad now and I didn’t see why I couldn’t share this with him. ‘It’s that bloke, Jock – you know, the one who came in with Ally and George on Christmas Day?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Well, he seems like a really nice guy and, I suppose, I was thinking about him. You know?’

  Dad breathed in deeply and looked at me with a funny, lopsided smile. He knew exactly what I meant!

  ‘Jock, eh? Do you ken how auld he is?’ Dad asked. ‘And he has two bairns!’

  ‘Aye, I know that.’ I smiled at Dad then. I heard in those words the protective father in him speaking – he didn’t want me to get hurt. But I was a grown woman now and could make my own mind up.

  ‘I know that, Dad, and it doesn’t matter. Not to me, anyway.’

  The truth was, I was dying to see Jock again – I just didn’t know how that was going to happen. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to figure it out.

  Occasionally, I worked in the bar owned by Brodie’s parents and a couple of weeks after Christmas, while I was doing their books, Jock wandered in. I was shocked to see him there but delighted and very nervous. He’d not been off my mind the whole time. As soon as we looked at each other, a bolt of electricity went coursing through my body. My stomach flipped over and I broke into a wide smile. He beamed back – God, he was gorgeous!

  We exchanged ‘hello’s’ and made some small talk about Christmas and Ally and George. He asked me what I had been up to the past few weeks and, for a second, my mind went blank. Does he know? Can he tell I’m a bundle of nerves? It took all the will I had not to reply: Thinking about you! I told him about my flying and how I was learning to do a
erobatics. He seemed really interested and we would have chatted longer but I had work to be getting on with and John was behind the bar, watching me. So I said a hurried goodbye and went to the back office. I thought I’d blown it again but, a week later, Jock was back in my dad’s bar and again we fell to talking.

  Finally, after four of these supposedly coincidental meetings, Jock asked me out to see a film with him. I wanted to scream but I just replied, ‘Sure.’ It turned out that I had to take Brodie that evening but I didn’t think this was a bad thing. After all, Brodie was a huge part of my life and I knew that if he liked someone, it would be okay. So we all went to see a comedy movie together and had a ball. Brodie loved Jock straight away and Jock was really good with him – very funny and sweet. We giggled the whole way through the film. It was a perfect first date – extremely relaxed and fun. On my way home that night, I thought: I’m going to marry this man!

  The next week, we met alone and this time went for a drive. As we sat in the car, looking out onto the beach at Broughty Ferry, Jock opened up to me about his children and family situation. He explained that he had discovered his wife of seven years having an affair with his friend and boss at the gym. Jock had been an ice-hockey player and his wife, Dawn, had been a figure skater; they met at the ice rink and fell in love and had two boys, Steven and Danny, together. He had left the marital home the year before and moved in with his mum and dad. Now he was working as an electrician and saw his boys every weekend.

  I could see he wanted to be straight with me from the start and I loved that about him. There was no playing games – we both felt strongly from the word go and the way he talked was so sincere. It was clear he adored his boys and though it had obviously been a very difficult situation, he had come to terms with the breakdown of his marriage; he was ready to move on. I tried to let him know that I was fine with it, too – it didn’t put me off in the least.

  After that, Jock and I started seeing each other all the time – we connected in so many ways. I knew we were both deeply in love but he was such a gentleman that he didn’t want to rush the physical side of things. In fact, it wasn’t until months after our first date that I kissed him! I was so desperate that I just gave him a peck on the cheek and I suppose that started the ball rolling.

  A few weeks later, I opened up about my past. I told Jock everything about being anorexic, nearly dying, spending my teens in a psychiatric ward and how it had taken me years to recover. It was hard – I had never really talked to anyone about this and I felt deeply ashamed of myself but he had to know! He had been so honest with me and I didn’t want to hide anything either. Nevertheless, it was a nerve-wracking evening when it all came pouring out. I was afraid he would think I was unbalanced and unsuitable for a long-term relationship. But Jock took it all in his stride – he listened really carefully to everything and then afterwards, he said: ‘You’ve done so well, Tina. You should be proud of yourself.’ Then he pulled me into him for an enormous bear hug. It was the best reaction I could have hoped for!

  When the time came, the physical side of our relationship was easy, so natural and loving. I didn’t have any body hang-ups now and felt so comfortable with Jock. He was a devoted boyfriend. Whenever I had a TA exercise weekend, he’d collect me from the barracks, cook me a lovely meal and then drive me back home so I could get to bed for work on Monday morning. Brodie loved him and we started going out with his boys, as well as my nieces when they were free. I was always careful to give Jock as much alone time with his sons as possible but, at the same time, I loved meeting up with them – they were such good kids. Danny was only two and Steven was seven. We all went ice-skating at the weekends and Jock taught them all to ice-skate. Often, we joined Jock at ice-hockey games, too.

  In September 1994, Jock bought me a Breitling watch in my favourite colour of racing green. It was the watch that every pilot wanted and he said it was for when I left for Kansas to start training as a commercial pilot. It was beautiful and I loved it so much but, most of all, I loved Jock. I told him there and then I could never leave him. It was true – I’d been thinking about Kansas for some time and, despite all my dreams, I had found love and I wasn’t about to throw that away for anything in the world. I would have to find another way of becoming a pilot.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Jock asked me for the millionth time in bed that night.

  ‘Yes, I’m certain, Jock,’ I whispered into the darkness. ‘I won’t leave you. Don’t worry – I’ll never stop flying. I’ll just have to find another way.’

  Two weeks later, I was working in the bar when I was suddenly overcome with nausea and had to sit down. Dad asked me if I was okay.

  ‘I don’t know, Dad,’ I said, squinting up towards him, my hand on my head. ‘I haven’t been feeling all that good recently. I’m just really tired all the time.’

  ‘Aye, well, you’re looking a little peaky now. Why don’t you get yourself down the doctor’s this afternoon?’

  So that’s what I did. And when the doctor asked me if I thought I could be pregnant, I just scoffed: ‘No way! I’m on the Pill.’

  ‘Aye, well, better to be certain one way or the other. We’ll do a pregnancy test, anyway.’

  I got the shock of my life when it turned out positive! A baby! I was too young to have children. Jock and I had only been seeing each other for seven months – we had no house together, we weren’t even engaged. I was living in Brodie’s parents’ place still. This was crazy!

  I was still in a daze when Jock picked me up 20 minutes later, but I didn’t waste any time. As soon as I got into the car in the car park, I broke the news.

  Jock was as shocked as me: ‘Really? I thought you were on the Pill.’

  ‘I am, I don’t know how it’s happened but I’m pregnant.’

  There was a silence then and Jock let his hands drop from the steering wheel as he tried to get his head around this strange turn of events.

  ‘How do you feel about it?’ he asked me.

  ‘I’m shocked but, well, I suppose, we’ll just have to make this work.’

  He didn’t miss a beat: ‘That’s right, whatever you want. We love each other so we can make this work.’

  As the weeks passed, I felt more and more excited. We decided not to tell anybody until after our 12-week scan but, secretly, I was so pleased. This could be the start of a proper family for myself – something I had always wanted. All those years without a period had left a niggling uncertainty in the back of my mind: What if I couldn’t conceive? What if I’d destroyed my own fertility? Now I knew that I was able to have children and it was so lovely that I was about to fulfil my dreams of motherhood with the love of my life.

  It was mid-December 1994 and I was cleaning up the bar after a huge Christmas party the night before when, suddenly, I felt a gushing down below, then my knickers were soaked. I rushed to the toilets and, there, I saw I was bleeding heavily. After seeing a doctor, I was immediately sent to hospital, where a scan confirmed my worst fears – I was miscarrying the baby.

  It was devastating – I went home that night and cried into Jock’s arms. I was booked into hospital the next day for a DNC – a formal procedure to scrape out the lining of the uterus. Of course, it was horrible and I hated every minute. Afterwards, I felt so empty and alone. That special, secret feeling I’d been carrying around inside me was gone and in its place was desolation and despair. I had imagined our baby and our new life together – I had seen myself cradling it and felt the certainty of the bond we would share. Now all that was shattered and I was distraught. Jock tried to reassure me as best he could. It wasn’t meant to be, he said. It was Nature’s way of telling us there was something wrong with the pregnancy. He held me and stroked my hair but, in the early hours of the morning, I mourned for the little life I’d carried for such a very short time.

  Nevertheless, I had no choice. I had to pick myself up and move on. Nobody had known about the pregnancy, so I couldn’t grieve publicly – I just tried to focus on the
positives in our lives and get through the days without weeping.

  Then, just three weeks later, I was working at the bar as usual, when I got a frenzied phone call from Jock. His words froze my soul.

  ‘Tina, something terrible has happened,’ he said. ‘We need to talk. This could really affect our future together.’

  I wasted no time – I told the bar staff I had to leave and jumped in the car. At his parents’ house, I was met by a shaky and red-eyed Jock, who took me through to the kitchen to break the news. The boys were with his mum in the living room.

  ‘It’s Dawn,’ he started. ‘She’s left the country and abandoned the boys.’

  ‘What?’ I could hardly believe what he was saying.

  ‘It’s true! She took the boys to the Hilton Hotel over Christmas. While they were there, Dawn and her boyfriend arranged for all their furniture and personal belongings to be shipped abroad. We knew nothing until they dropped the boys off at my mum’s house, two hours ago. Everything was normal and then about ten minutes later, Mum got a call from Dawn, asking if they were still at home. Mum said yes, and within fifteen minutes there was a taxi at the door with two brown envelopes, one for me and one for my folks. They were letters explaining that they had left the country. In the envelope were the benefits book and the keys to the house so we could collect the boys’ stuff. That’s it! They’ve sold the house and gone.’

  It was too much – I could barely take in the enormity of what he was saying.

  ‘She’s left? Just like that?’

  ‘It wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing, Tina. They’ve been planning this for months! In the letter she wrote to me, she said she won’t be pursuing visitation rights as her life is with her boyfriend now and not with the children.’