Ember

by Rachel Van Dyken

  I was just exiting her room when Andi came around the corner, nearly colliding with me. Her hands pushed against my chest. She backed up and smiled.

  Something about her was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it, almost like a memory that I’d purposefully forgotten.

  “Sorry.” She shrugged. “I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

  “What did you say your name was again?” I knew her name; I just wanted to see how comfortable she was with using it. If she hesitated or forced it in a cheerful tone, I’d know she was lying — at least about her identity. Smith, my ass.

  “Andi,” she said slowly, her eyes narrowing. “You think it’s a stupid name, don’t you? It’s okay. My dad came up with it. He had a thing for the name Andrew and surprise! Out came a girl.”

  She blushed.

  That I could work with.

  Not that I wanted to, but I really had no other choice. With a seductive smile, I slowly reached out and cupped her face. “I kind of like it. Fits you.”

  “Th-thanks.” Her blush deepened.

  “What’s your dad do?”

  “Huh?” Her eyes glazed over.

  “Your father?”

  “Oh.” She shrugged. “He died when I was young.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” I mentally stored that tidbit and pushed further, making sure her body was stuck against the wall while I leaned almost completely against her. “That must have been so difficult for you.”

  My body reacted as if I’d just drunk poison. I hated playing the part, and that was why I kept Bee away. Because women made me want to hate; they made me want to hurt. I could act with the best of them, but being this close to her made me want to do something horrible, like puke or run in the other direction — then puke.

  “Yeah, it was.” Her shoulders slumped a bit. “But, you know what they say. Life goes on.” She licked her lips; it was a nervous gesture. Her eyes flashed, and then the innocent look was back. Someone wasn’t who she said she was.

  “It does.”

  She swallowed, her gaze falling to my lips.

  “Andi? Phoenix?” Shit, I knew that voice. It was Bee, and our current predicament looked like I was just about ready to pounce on her new friend — her only friend.

  “Nice meeting you, Andi.” I stepped back and winked at Bee, hoping it would put her at ease.

  Instead, her entire face fell; she looked down at the floor and moved out of the way while I stepped beside her.

  It was one of the first times she didn’t try to touch me.

  And I hated it.

  The next hour passed in a blur. I basically sat in a corner drinking coffee while the freshmen played games, ate dinner, and laughed way too loud. Had I ever been that stupid? They were so careless so… inexperienced. By that age I’d already killed several times.

  Life wasn’t really fair, was it?

  I’d never be able to experience the type of freedom they had, and they took it all for granted.

  It was a pity.

  And it was also making me wish my coffee was whiskey. With a wince, I rose to my knees and looked around the large rec room for Bee.

  Nowhere to be seen.

  Well shit, that’s where daydreaming got me.

  I quickly scanned the room again. When I didn’t find her, I went to her bedroom. Empty.

  “Shit!” I pounded my hand against the wall and ran outside. There were so many trails, so many possibilities it would take forever to find her. I quickly turned on my app so I could track her and saw the little red light blink about a quarter of a mile behind the lodge.

  I ran like hell.

  A bonfire blazed in the distance. I knew she was probably there, probably safe, probably acting like all teenagers should act their freshman year of college, but I had to see that to know for certain.

  When I got closer, I ducked behind the trees and waited.

  The first thing I saw…

  Beer.

  The second thing…

  Pike holding Bee’s hand.

  The third thing? Absolute red.

  I stomped into the circle took one look around and already knew. Half of them were drunk; the other half were on their way. And by the looks of Bee, she was already too far gone.

  “Bee,” I barked, halting a few feet away. “It’s time for bed.”

  “Ooo, hear that?” She cupped a hand around her ear. “You want to take me to bed.”

  Some nearby girls fell into fits of laughter.

  “Bee,” I growled, conscious that I sounded like a rabid animal. “Get up.”

  Pike held out a beer. “Hey, sit down. Stay awhile. The party’s just getting started.”

  “It’s ending. Now,” I said in a voice I didn’t recognize. “Bee, say goodnight to your new friends.”

  “Damn, he’s bossy,” said a girl to my right as she eyed me up and down. “I could use bossy.”

  “He’s not yours!” Bee shouted in a horrifyingly loud voice. Holy shit, was she jealous?

  I didn’t see Andi anywhere, which didn’t surprise me, as she didn’t seem the partying type, and I knew Pike’s only interest was in Bee.

  “Where’s your roommate?” I asked.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know!” Bee yelled in a sharp voice. “What, you wanna kiss her again? Have sex with her under the stars or something!” She threw her hands into the air, nearly sending herself off Pike’s lap.

  “That’s it.” I scooped her up into my arms and hoisted her over my shoulder.

  “Put me down!” Her tiny fists hit my back, then my shoulder, but I barely felt them.

  I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

  “I said put me down,” she just about screeched.

  “Like you could even walk.”

  “I can walk!”

  “Fine.” I dropped her to her feet and waited while she gained her bearings. “Then march.”

  “Ugh.” She pushed against my body but did a pretty good job of making straight lines toward the lodge. “You’re so stupid! I’m stupid too!”

  “Why are you insulting your own intelligence?”

  “Big word, intelligence.”

  “Remember that pledge about drugs? If I was you, I’d take it for beer too, just to be safe.”

  “Ugh! There you go again!” She threw her hands into the air, stopped walking, and turned around. “You’re so bossy! So hot and cold! One minute you’re so nice I want to cry, and the next minute you’re so mean… well… I guess that causes tears too.”

  “So, no matter what, I make you cry?” My patience was gone, absolutely gone. Mosquitos were biting me in the ass, and the most beautiful girl in the world was off limits, and I made her cry — by breathing.

  “Yeah! And you like my roommate!”

  “What?”

  “She’s pretty.” Bee glowered, kicking the dirt with her boots. “Prettier than me, huh? Because she’s blonde.”

  “Do I give you the impression I like blondes?”

  “You almost kissed her.”

  “You’re drunk.”

  “I have eyes, Phoenix!” Bee stumbled into my arms and pounded my chest. “I know you wanted to, just say it!”

  The pounding continued against my chest.

  I sighed and steadied her on her feet, willing her to calm down. Finally, she slumped against my chest and whispered, “Why won’t you kiss me?”

  Oh, hell.

  “Bee, we need to get you some water, maybe some bread.”

  “I don’t want bread. I’m gluten-free.”

  I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

  “And I hate water.”

  “You do not hate water.”

  “Do too, and to prove it, I refuse to shower for the entire year! Mark my swords!”

  “Swords?”

  “Words.” Her eyebrows pinched together. “Phoenix?”

  “Yeah, little girl?”

  “Am I pretty?”

  I sighed and leaned my forehead against hers, only al
lowing myself that much contact. “You’re gorgeous, Bee. Absolutely breathtaking.”

  She nodded.

  I thought the conversation was over.

  I thought wrong.

  In all the scenarios I’d gone through in my head, this was one I hadn’t even entertained, because there was no possible way to figure Bee out.

  With a crazy amount of strength, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me.

  Full on the mouth.

  I was too shocked to do anything.

  So many feelings roared to the surface of my mind that I thought I was going to black out. The kiss reminded me of too many I’d shared in anger, in hate, in misuse, mistrust.

  But her moan.

  The sound of her innocence brought me back to reality, and that reality was… Bee. The innocent Bee was kissing me. A killer.

  And she wasn’t crying.

  I sighed in relief that I wasn’t tempted to hurt her then gently tried to push her away. It was a mistake, that one movement, because she hoisted herself into my arms and wrapped her legs around my waist.

  And. I. Was. Gone.

  With a surge of lust, I pushed her against the tree and opened my mouth, tasting her and only her. Want poured through my limbs, pounded through my veins until I was dizzy with it. Her mouth was so soft, so perfect, so tempting.

  My hands moved to her sides, running up and down, and then I froze.

  I couldn’t.

  She was drunk.

  It was wrong.

  All wrong.

  Images flashed before my eyes.

  I released her in absolute horror.

  She blinked up at me, her swollen lips more tempting than anything I’d ever seen in my entire life. “I liked that.”

  “You won’t remember it in the morning.” Thank God for that.

  “I’m going to pray I do.” She leaned toward me. I backed away and grabbed her hand.

  “It’s time for bed, little girl.”

  “You called me pretty.”

  “I called you gorgeous.”

  “You kissed me.”

  “You kissed me, and I almost suffocated to death. Don’t read too much into it Bee, you’ll only get hurt.”

  She laughed and then put her head on my shoulder. “I liked it a lot.”

  “Yeah well, we all like playing with bombs — until they go off.”

  “Are you a bomb?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I think…” Her eyes were clearer than I’d seen them all day as we walked into the lodge. “…that you’re full of shit.”

  “Ha, that, I hope you remember tomorrow.”

  “I will!” she shouted triumphantly then almost walked into a wall trying to get into her room.

  “You were saying?” I crossed my arms.

  “Screw you. I’m tired.” She yawned and slammed the door behind her while I just stood there, horrified.

  I pulled out my cell to call Tex.

  And dialed Chase instead.

  “Problem.” My voice was hollow. “Big problem.”

  “Oh shit,” Chase mumbled. “Did you kill someone?”

  “No.”

  “The feds are there?”

  “No.”

  “Dude, I don’t see a problem.”

  “Bee got drunk.”

  Chase whistled.

  “And attacked me with her mouth.”

  He let out a low curse then started laughing hysterically. “And you wanted to gossip about it or what?”

  “Asshole. Do I call Tex?”

  “That depends. Do you want him to cut off every toe but one, paint them, and then mail them to you, just so you can see what they look like unattached to your feet?”

  I groaned. “She got drunk, and I tried to make sure she got back to her room safe. It was nothing. You know…” My voice cracked. “…you know I can’t… ever since.”

  Chase muttered a curse. “I know, man. I know. I mean, I don’t know the hell that goes through that brain of yours, but I can imagine it isn’t pretty, and I can imagine that touching a girl after… well, after all that shit isn’t the easiest thing… are you… okay?”

  For some reason, my throat felt thick. Why the hell had I called Chase of all people? “No. I don’t think so.”

  “You still get anxiety attacks?”

  “Daily.”

  “Okay, so tonight might be worse than normal. Make sure you take something to help you sleep, and I’ll monitor the cameras and watch Bee sleep. Which, by the way, sounds like the worst idea I’ve ever had since my wife just gave me bedroom eyes, but I’ll do it. Just go to sleep and maybe take a shot of whiskey.”

  “No whiskey, but sleep sounds good.”

  “I got you.”

  That damn lump in my throat reappeared. “Thanks, Chase.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  I laughed.

  “No, seriously, don’t. Sometimes Tex scares the shit out of me, and if you go down, you go down alone.”

  “Understood.”

  “Night.”

  “Good night.” I shoved my phone back in my pocket and made my way to the room I was staying in — by myself.

  I took a sleeping pill and closed my eyes.

  As expected, images of the girls I’d raped, images of Trace flooded my vision until I spent half the night puking in the bathroom.

  Funny, a part of me had expected her kiss to save me.

  Instead, it just reminded me of my past, and of my future — if I ever gave into it again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Regret always comes in the morning… always.

  Bee

  LAUGHTER WOKE ME FROM my amazing dream about Phoenix. He’d tasted like cinnamon. And I’d always been a huge fan of anything spicy.

  I tried to swallow, but my throat was so dry it was like my body had stopped producing saliva. Slowly, I rose from the bed and winced. My head was pounding like crazy too. What had I done last night?

  I shook my head. It only made the pounding worse.

  “Beer.” Andi stood to my right, holding out a bottle of water and two Tylenol. “I said no to drinking. You stayed.”

  “You’re a wiser person than me.”

  She grinned. “I know, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to have fun. I just can’t mix drugs with alcohol.”

  “Drugs?” I repeated. “You’re on drugs?”

  “The doctor kind.” She winked. “Oh, and by the way you should probably wash your face and put on two tubes of ChapStick before you go downstairs.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  She nodded. “Afraid so, but, on a brighter note, it looks like someone kissed the ever loving crap out of you last night.”

  My hand moved to my mouth. My lips were tender to the touch, and the skin around it felt numb. “Holy crap! Who did I kiss?”

  “Hey, you could have just run into a tree or something,” Andi offered with a solid nod. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “That a freshman made out with a tree after getting drunk?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  I groaned and put the pillow over my face, willing my body to remember something — anything! — about the night before. Pike had asked me if I wanted to go to the bonfire, then he’d given me beer, that I remembered. I also remembered being pissed that Phoenix had hit on the one girl who I actually liked.

  So I’d drunk.

  And I thought I saw where things had gone south. I’d drunk, even though it tasted horrible, and when Pike had given me more — I’d taken it.

  How did I get home?

  I vaguely remembered almost falling off Pike’s lap and then Phoenix yelling at me, carrying me. My shame knew no bounds. I continued to cringe as small images started to trickle back into my brain.

  I’d stumbled, poked him in the chest. He had yelled again.

  Gorgeous, he’d called me.

  I’d asked him if I was pretty. Kill me now.

  And then… I gasped alou
d and moaned.

  “What?” Andi was at my side in a heartbeat. “What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, no.” I said into the pillow. “Oh, no, no, no!” I jumped out of bed, despite my headache, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and threw on a pair of clothes with a beanie.

  “You gonna fill me in?” Andi asked from the door. She took in my outfit and winced. “Shabby chic?”

  “Ah! I need to find Phoenix.”

  “The hot bodyguard?”

  “Yes, my hot bodyguard.” I added the my in there just in case she didn’t get the picture.

  She held her hands up into the air. “Got it. He’s yours.”

  I stomped from the room, louder than necessary, and turned just in time to collide with Phoenix’s chest.

  “We’re sure chipper this morning,” he said in a monotone voice.

  I reared back and stared into his eyes, my own narrowing in suspicion. “You, you, you…”

  “Is she still drunk?” he asked over my head, apparently directing the question to Andi, even though the she to whom he was referring was standing right in front of him.

  “Don’t think so, but she did just scream into a pillow three times.”

  “Well, that explains it.” Phoenix sighed. “Andi, why don’t you go to breakfast, and I’ll take care of Bee.”

  “I’m sure you will,” she said in a saucy voice.

  I wasn’t sure how to act. Wasn’t sure if I should apologize for attacking him or thank him for not laughing in my face. Embarrassed and irritated that he was most likely going to ignore whatever it was between us even if it killed him, I stared hard at the cement floor.

  “How are you feeling, little girl?”

  “I’m not little.”

  “You want me to call you fat?”

  “No.” I lifted my head. “Call me gorgeous like you did last night.”

  “Well, shit.” Phoenix ran his hands over his face then grabbed my arm and dragged me down the hall into a darkened corner. “You remember?”

  “You kissed me.”

  “Prove it.”

  “What’s wrong with you?” I pushed against his chest. “You like me! Admit it!”

  Phoenix made a face. “You were drunk, launched yourself at me, and I caught you. Did we kiss?” His eyes went completely black. “Yeah, we did, but it meant nothing.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.” He hissed out a breath through his teeth.