Sinner: A Reed Security Romance

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  I hung my head in shame. To hear what lengths he went to defending me, only for me to kick him out and tell him he wasn’t anything more than a good fuck..

  “I don’t know if he’d take me back. Besides, he needs to work, so I’m sure he’s already found a new job.”

  “Well, you’re not going to find out sitting around here. I’ll call Sebastian and see if he’s heard from him. If not, we’ll go check out his place and see if he’s there.”

  Just like that, my big brother took control, and this time I wasn’t going to confuse someone doing something they thought was right with trying to help me.

  Sinner

  I stepped off the elevator at Reed Security, only this time I had to be granted access first. I felt a tightness in my chest knowing that this would be the last time I entered the building again. I wouldn’t have come back here, but I wanted to say goodbye to my teammates.

  “Mark, I’m so sad to see you go,” Becky said as she wrapped me in a hug. “I’m going to miss your handsome face around here.”

  “Don’t be too sad. You’ll see me in your dreams.”

  She smacked my chest and grinned. “You are so bad.”

  “Where is everyone? I want to say goodbye before I head out.”

  “Oh, um, they’re out training right now, but if you wait, I’m sure they’ll be back soon.”

  Damn. I thought I would get to say goodbye to everyone before I left.

  “It’s alright. My flight leaves soon, so just tell them I said goodbye.”

  “Maggie’s here. You know she’ll kick your ass if you don’t say goodbye to her.”

  “Damn straight I will,” Maggie said from the doorway of the conference room.

  “You know I’d never leave without saying goodbye, Freckles.”

  “I can’t believe you’re really leaving. Who’s going to take me for shooting lessons?”

  “I’m sure Cap would love to take you.”

  She cleared her throat and stepped back.

  “Still haven’t made up with him, I see.”

  “I’m still mad at him. He said some awful things to you and I don’t like the person he’s become. He’s going to have to change some things before we can fix what’s gone wrong.”

  “Just don’t wait too long. You and Cap were made for each other. It sure would be a waste to let it slip away.”

  “I’m not the one letting it slip away.”

  I raised an eyebrow at her. “Do you know how many stories I’ve heard about the way you taunt that man about our supposed relationship? You’re not totally innocent here, Freckles.”

  “Fine. I’m not innocent, but that man is so infuriating. I came back for him and look at where we are.”

  “If you want, I think we have time for one last car chase. I’ll even pack a few grenades for you.”

  “One last car chase? Sinner, do you really think this is the last time you’ll see me? Come on, I’m bound to get into trouble again at some point.”

  “That’s true. I’ll keep my phone on at all times.”

  “Take care of yourself in California and don’t be a stranger.”

  I gave her a hug just as the elevators opened and Sebastian walked out. Fuck my life.

  “See you around, Freckles.” I whispered against her ear and then kissed her forehead. I nodded to Cap and walked into the elevator. It wasn’t going anywhere without one of them joining me, so I waited. Sebastian got on grudgingly and took me down to the parking garage. He didn’t say a word as I stepped off and I couldn’t help but feel that this was all so wrong. Cap was like family to me and I hated walking away, but he obviously decided he didn’t want me around anymore. I had half expected him to call me and tell me to get my ass back to work, but that never happened, so I had to move on.

  I got in my truck and took one final look at the building before pulling out onto the road and heading for the airport.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  “I appreciate you letting me crash here while I find a place.”

  “It’s not a problem, Sinner. I’m sure I can find some way for you to repay me,” Vira smiled and batted her lashes at me. I knew from experience that she was a good time. When I’d brought her out here over a year ago, we hadn’t wasted any time getting to know each other’s bodies. I was only there for a week, so both of us got what we wanted out of it.

  Now, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go there with her. I was still holding out some ridiculous hope that Cara would call me and want to patch things up, though I wasn’t sure how that would work now that we were on opposite sides of the country. However, Vira knew all about boundaries, so there was no worry about her confusing sex for something more. Maybe a little friendly fucking was just the thing I needed to get past this thing with Cara.

  “I’m sure we could work something out.”

  “Come on. Let’s finish unloading your stuff and then we can grab a bite to eat.”

  I hadn’t brought a lot with me because I didn’t have a place of my own yet, so unloading my clothes, weapons, and other necessities took hardly any time.

  “So, are Sean and Lillian still together?”

  “Yeah, they got married not too long after you left.” I looked at her and she did her best to put on a cheery smile.

  “Well, I kind of figured that’s the way it would turn out. I still can’t believe Sean went for prim and proper Lillian. I mean, if she only knew the things he did in bed to me.”

  “You’d better not be thinking about what Sean did to you in bed while I’m fucking you.”

  “I guess you’ll just have to give me something else to think about.”

  I grabbed her around the waist and kissed her hard. Her lips weren’t quite as soft as Cara’s and her body had more curve to it, but she was here and willing. I spun her around and bent her over the kitchen table, pulling her hands behind her back.

  “Stay,” I whispered against her ear. I yanked her yoga pants off her and felt her wet for me. This was going to be fast. Quickly unbuckling my belt, the first thing I thought of was that I hadn’t worn a belt since that night with Cara. Pushing those thoughts aside, I pulled out my cock, which wasn’t as hard as it should be and shoved it inside her. Slowly, I hardened and started fucking her. My thrusts were frantic and jerky, even by my standards.

  I went through the motions of fucking her and doing things to please her. I pinched her tits and rubbed her clit, but I wasn’t there. The entire time, I was thinking how wrong this felt. When she clamped down on my cock, I tried my hardest to come, but it just wasn’t there. I could already feel myself going flaccid inside her and she knew I hadn’t come. I could see it on her face when she turned around.

  “Okay, Sinner. That was subpar even compared to the worst fuck I’ve ever had. What’s going on? Who is she?”

  I ran a hand over my face and tucked myself back in. “Cara.”

  “Cara? Sean’s sister? Oh, that’s fucking great. Just one more reason for him to hate me.”

  “We’re not together anymore.”

  “Judging by the way you just fucked me, you want her back and you’re going to be a lousy lay until you do. What happened?”

  “I blew up at Sean over the way he was talking to her. She got mad at me and said it wasn’t my place to interfere. Now she doesn’t want to see me.”

  “Wait, I thought you moved out here because you lost your job?”

  “Yeah, well it was shitty timing all around.”

  “So, you would have stayed if she hadn’t broken it off?”

  “Probably.”

  “There’s no probably, Sinner. Either you wanted it to work or you didn’t.”

  “Yeah, I wanted it to work. I tried to get her back, but she didn’t want me anymore, so here I am.”

  “Can I make a suggestion?”

  “Shoot.”

  “Don’t take that thing out in public.” She pointed at my dick. “You don’t want to ruin your reputation.”

  I laughed and pulled her in f
or a hug. “Subpar, huh?”

  “Way worse. That was one of the worst fucks I’ve ever had.”

  “You still came.”

  “Baby, I was faking it so it would end. Seriously, if I didn’t know how good you really were, I would take away your man card. As of now, I’m going to suspend it until you can prove you’re worthy.”

  “So, are you going to help me get off probation?”

  “Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t go through another fucking like that if you paid me. I won’t be tasting Sinner again until he’s fully functional.”

  “Damn, that’s harsh.”

  “It’s the truth. You can’t just go around sticking your flaccid dick in women. It’s not attractive.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Cara

  SEAN SAT NEXT to me in the waiting room, trying not to grimace as I gripped his hand with all my might. I hated being around all these people. I could feel them all staring at me. The nausea that had been slowly creeping up was threatening to make its way up to my throat.

  “Do you see that woman over there? Looks like she got carried away with the Botox,” Sean whispered in my ear. I looked in the direction he was and saw a woman with lips so large, there was no way they were all natural.

  “It’s not Botox. That’s for smoothing out wrinkles on your face,” I said around the bile churning in my stomach.

  “And look at that lady. Didn’t anyone tell her that parachute pants went out with the eighties?”

  “They’re making a comeback. All the boys are wearing them now.”

  “Seriously?” Sean looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “No self respecting man wears something like that.”

  “I’m telling you, it’s made a comeback. They’re also wearing skinny jeans.”

  “How the hell does a man get his junk inside skinny jeans?”

  I laughed at the look on Sean’s face and the tightness in my chest slowly eased.

  “Lillian’s thinking of going back to school for the next semester. She can only put it off for so long before they’ll fill her position.”

  “Really? Sarah’s thinking of staying home for another year, until Henry and Charlotte go to preschool.”

  “Wouldn’t they be in preschool now?”

  “They missed the cutoff date since they’re October babies.”

  “If she stayed home, would you still work for them?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Drew wasn’t too keen on paying a nanny if she stayed home. Maybe I would just help out a couple of days a week. It’s really a lot of work, but I can see why he doesn’t want to pay someone.”

  “What would you do for work then?”

  “That’s why I’m here. I have to see what the doctor can give me to help me be a human in public again.”

  My heart was still pounding in my chest, but Sean had successfully distracted me enough that I wasn’t on the verge of running to the bathroom.

  “Cara Donnelly?”

  I stood as the nurse called my name, still gripping Sean’s hand.

  “Do you want me to go back with you?”

  A large part of me wanted to do this on my own, but I also wanted to let Sean in.

  “Sure, but I need to do this on my own, so no interrupting.”

  “Gotcha, sis.”

  We followed the nurse back to the rooms and stopped to get my height and weight. The nurse took me back to a room where she took my blood pressure and pulse, then asked me some questions. When she was done, I had to fill out a form on how often I felt symptoms of anxiety and depression. It was depressing just to fill it out. Finally, the doctor, Martha Kurmis came in with a gentle smile. She was about my age with shoulder length brown hair and brown eyes.

  “Cara, it’s so nice to meet you. What can I help you with today?”

  I looked at my brother and took a deep breath. “I was kidnapped six years ago and held for ten days. Since then, I don’t really leave the house unless absolutely necessary. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to venture out more, but my anxiety gets so bad that I get sick or pass out. I’ve been seeing a therapist and he believes I’ve developed a social anxiety disorder.”

  She nodded, so I continued. “I can’t live like this anymore. I want to live a normal life.” Tears filled my eyes as I told her about how hard things had been for me. “I want to be able to go to a restaurant without my heart racing or needing to run to the bathroom. I want to be able to sit down with friends and not feel like I’m being judged by everyone around me.” I wiped the tears that streamed down my face and continued. “My therapist is working with me on getting out more and not letting my fears take over, but it’s not enough anymore. I need something to help jumpstart this and my therapist suggested that I try some anxiety medications.”

  Dr. Kurmis had tears in her eyes as she listened, but quickly blinked them away. “I think we can help you out with that. There are several daily anxiety medications we can try, but we won’t know what works for you until you try it. Most of these will take a few weeks to build up in your system, so it’s not necessarily something we figure out overnight. However, I can also prescribe a benzodiazepine that you can take for sudden anxiety attacks. They start working within a half hour and can last up to six hours.”

  “How do they work?” Sean asked. He gripped my hand reassuringly and I was so thankful that he was here with me. Why had I pushed him away for so long?

  “Basically, they numb your senses. It slows down your body, so you won’t feel things as strongly as you once did. Now, this can also affect your memory, so some patients have said that things that take place while they use them are a little fuzzy. I wouldn’t recommend driving while taking these until you know how they’ll affect you because they can also make you sleepy.”

  “How will this help me if it’s dulling my senses? Won’t I get attached to the feel of that instead of making progress?”

  “Well, the whole point of taking the anxiety meds is so that you can live a normal life. The benzodiazepines will help you out when you’re on the verge of a panic attack. So, let’s say you’re going out to eat. Take one a half hour before you go so that you’re fine in the restaurant. The point is that we want you to get used to the idea of going out and doing things that are normally difficult for you. These aren’t something you would take daily, but in difficult situations. If you took them every day, you would build up a tolerance to them. With therapy in combination with the meds, I think you’ll make more progress. Then, when you feel you’re ready, we’ll slowly wean you off them or lower the dosage.”

  I looked at Sean who looked slightly concerned. “I’m not sure I like the idea of her being drugged up all the time. It sounds like we’re trading one evil for another.”

  “I understand, but as I said, the benzo’s are for sudden attacks or when she knows she’ll need them. The daily meds won’t affect you as much as the benzo’s. We just have to find the right one for you. It’s all about tricking your brain into functioning the way it’s supposed to.”

  I looked back to Sean who still didn’t look convinced. “I think we should try it. If it doesn’t work or it’s not right, I can go off them.”

  “It’s up to you. I’ll support whatever you want to do.”

  The doctor asked a few more questions and then typed up a couple of prescriptions for me and sent a request over to the pharmacy. She explained how the meds would affect me and how to use them properly. By the time we were finished, I was actually excited to get them and try them out. The dailys would take a while to start working, but I could try out the benzo’s right away and see how they worked for me.

  The next day, Sean took me out to lunch to see how the benzo’s would work.

  “Are you sure you want to start with going to a restaurant? Don’t you want to just take one and see what happens?”

  “And sit around here all day? No. I need to do this. I’m scared to death, but she said it would dull the emotions. I have to believe this will help me.”


  I took the pill that she prescribed and we waited another fifteen minutes before leaving.

  “Feel anything yet?” Sean asked as we got to the diner.

  “It’s funny because it kind of feels like the room is slowly spinning. Not enough to make it unbearable, but it’s definitely different.”

  “How’s the anxiety?”

  “I don’t feel any. I think I’m okay.”

  “Alright. Let’s try this.”

  We went into the restaurant and sat down. We ordered food and I actually ate it and carried on a conversation with my brother in public for the first time years. By the time we got home, I was starting to feel really tired. He walked me inside and smiled at me.

  “I haven’t seen you that relaxed since..”

  “I know. It was awesome. I can’t believe that really worked.”

  I yawned and stretched my arms over my head. “I’m really tired now. I think I’m going to take a nap.”

  “Okay.” He stepped forward and wrapped me in a big hug, something that also hadn’t happened in a very long time. “I’m glad it worked. I’m going to hang out with you. You can go sleep, but I don’t want to leave until I know that the drugs have worn off.”

  “Thanks, Sean.” I went to my room and was asleep within minutes.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  A few weeks later, I sat in the kitchen of Sarah and Drew’s house and had my usual morning coffee with Sarah. Sarah had been acting a little off since I told her that I was taking meds for my anxiety. I wasn’t sure why, but I had a feeling she wasn’t comfortable with me being around the kids.

  “You haven’t talked about Mark in a while. Is that all over now?”

  “No, I want to go talk to him at the very least.”

  “You mean get on a plane?” Her eyes were as wide as saucers.

  “Yes, Sean said he would take me out to see him when I was ready.”