The fact was, I loved her, probably more than I ever thought I would love anyone. My ego, my masculinity, was getting in the way of taking a chance on us. It would be a huge blow to my self-esteem if I couldn’t perform the way a man was supposed to be able to. If I was honest with myself, my ego was the driving force behind my inability to return to Cara and beg for forgiveness.
I stared at the departures board and knew I had to make a decision soon. Freckles stood scowling at Cap just a few feet from me and I was tempted to follow them to Pennsylvania just to ensure she didn’t kill him.
“Time’s up, Sinner. What’s it going to be?” Cap asked.
✯✯✯✯✯
Opening the door, I was greeted by Vira getting fucked by a man over the side of the couch. She turned and smiled at me, giving me a short wave before groaning as the man thrust into her again. The old me would have gotten a woody at the sight of Vira being fucked and hearing those moans. Now? Nothing. I still couldn’t feel a thing. Sighing, I walked back to my bedroom and threw my bag on the ground. My body was sore and tired after the long flight home.
My phone rang a few minutes later, breaking me from my sleepy state.
“Yeah?”
“It’s Cash. How’s it going?”
I blew out a harsh breath. “Ready to get back in shape so I don’t feel so damn tired all the time.”
“Sebastian told me you performed just fine in New York.” It was a statement, but I could tell there was a question behind it.
“I had to follow Maggie there. She went to do her own investigation into Victor Adams.”
“How did Sebastian end up there?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“So, be straight with me here. Are you sticking around or are you headed back to Pennsylvania?”
“I’m heading back. I have a few things to take care of here and then I’ll be going back. I was actually going to come by tomorrow to talk to you.”
“Is this because of the girl, Cara?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you wouldn’t be leaving us if it weren’t for her?”
“I don’t know, Cash. My brothers are there.”
“It’s too bad. You fit in quite well with us.”
“Until I got myself taken and you had to come rescue my ass.”
“Until that. If you ever change your mind, give me a call.”
“Thanks, I appreciate the offer.”
“By the way, your hospital bills and PT are covered by OPS. When you start PT in Pennsylvania, send me the bills.”
“Will do.”
“Catch you later, Sinner.”
I hung up the phone and was just about to lay down again when Vira opened my door.
“Jesus, what does it take to get a little sleep around here?”
“Hey, when you take off and don’t tell me where you’re going, do you really think I’m going to just wait for you to come out of your room?”
“I had work.”
“Work? Why do I not believe that?”
“It was related to work.”
“Any idea when you’ll be back full time?”
“About that, I’m moving back to Pennsylvania.”
Her face fell. “Oh. So, I take it things are going well with Cara?”
“No. In fact, I haven’t talked to her, but if I’m going to get her back, I can’t have my stuff out here and still work out here. It doesn’t send the right message.”
“You know, you could just stay out here. I’m low maintenance. You don’t need to prove anything to me.”
“That’s not something I’m looking for anymore.”
She shook her head and sighed. “That’s not something I ever thought I would hear out of your mouth. I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed.”
“Having trouble finding a fuck buddy, Vira?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean they’re as good as you.”
“Me? If I recall correctly, you referred to me as your worst fuck ever.”
“I’m talking about BC.”
“BC?”
“Before Cara. She fucked you up for every single woman that was in want of a good, hard fucking. Now, that gorgeous cock belongs to one woman. Such a waste,” she tsked.
“Let’s hope so,” I muttered.
She walked up to me and ran her fingers through my hair and straddled on my lap. “Do me a favor, send a few of your friends my way every now and then. I could use a good fucking by a big, strong man.” She leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.
“And don’t worry about your cock. Even if it doesn’t get back in prime order, your fingers and your mouth are just as magical.”
She stepped off me and sauntered off to her room. The fact that Sean had held onto her for as long as he had was a miracle. That woman was a sexual beast and she took no prisoners, but she wasn’t the one I wanted.
I closed my eyes and got some shut eye. I was going to pack up and head back to Pennsylvania tomorrow and somehow win back the girl that stole my heart.
✯✯✯✯✯
I stood outside her door, nervous as hell that I was going to get it slammed back in my face. I had never been this guy before. I never had to apologize for anything because I didn’t stick around long enough to have something to be sorry for. With Cara, things were so different. Everything with her came naturally and was so easy. It didn’t seem like work to be in a relationship with her.
This was a totally different ball of wax. Now, I wasn’t just trying to make our relationship work, but opening myself up to her to tell her why I was such a pussy and pushed her away. I lifted my hand to knock as I felt sweat trickle down my spine. This was ridiculous. I was Sinner, badass warrior and slayer of women. I would knock on the fucking door and demand that she hear me out. Yeah.
She swung the door open moments after I pounded, glaring at me with her arms crossed.
“Is there something you need? A quick fuck maybe?”
Damn, now I was really sweating. She was pissed at me. I had expected sad and lonely Cara, not sassy and pissed as fuck.
“I wish.”
She raised an eyebrow at me, not understanding my statement.
“Can I come in for a minute?”
“I think where you’re standing is fine.”
“Cara, who’s at the door?”
Sarah and Drew came walking around the corner holding glasses of wine.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company.”
“There’s a lot of things you didn’t realize since you basically left me without an explanation.”
“Can we talk somewhere? Alone?”
“No. Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Drew and Sarah.”
“What I need to talk to you about is private.”
She nodded in understanding and I took a deep breath in relief. “I understand, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. For years, I have lived under the microscope of everyone knowing every detail of my anxiety issues and witnessing my humiliation. You want to talk to me? You can lay it all out for everyone to hear.”
I swallowed and tried to decide if I could get away with saying less so that I didn’t have to tell my dirty, little secret to her neighbors. Sarah and Drew stood behind her looking uncomfortable and Drew inched toward the door.
“Would you look at the time? We need to be going,” Drew said.
“No,” Cara said sternly as she held up her hand. “Neither of you are leaving until Mark says what he came to say.” Drew sent me an apologetic smile, but Sarah almost looked excited to get to hear what I would say.
“Okay.” I cleared my throat and decided to just go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? I would be humiliated and laughed at? Another man would never do that after hearing what I had to say. Just rip the bandaid off.
“My dick doesn’t work anymore,” I said a little too loudly.
Cara’s jaw dropped as did her eyes, looking straight at my crotch. Sarah stood
their bewildered and Drew cleared his throat as he turned bright red.
“Sorry, Cara. You’re on your own. This sounds like a private conversation and I’m not up for discussing another man’s dick.” He pulled Sarah behind him and stopped next to me. “No pun intended.”
Then he pulled Sarah out the door and they practically ran back to their house. Cara was alternating looking between my dick and my face. I raised an eyebrow at her, a little uneasy at her scrutiny.
“Why don’t you come in,” she finally choked out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Cara
MARK WALKED INTO my house and stood uncomfortably in my living room, hands in his pockets. I closed the door and walked over to him, then decided this was a conversation best had sitting down. Mark sat down in the chair across from me and ran a hand over the back of his neck, obviously not comfortable with having this conversation.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning,” I said nervously.
“Uh, well, you know I was tortured for information. They had me hung by my wrists and they were electrocuting me. When I wouldn’t give them answers, they got mad and then even more mad when I didn’t give in to their threats..”
I swallowed convulsively and my hands shook at hearing this. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know what he was going to say next.
“They held the prod to my dick until I passed out,” he said quickly, but he wouldn’t look at me. “I have some pretty severe burns. They’re healing and the doctor said that I should be fine, but I don’t have any feeling there. The doctor said that once the burns are healed, we’ll know more about if I’ll have any feeling.”
We sat in silence for a minute as I processed what he was telling me. “Are there any treatments?”
“There are some different things I can try, but I won’t know which ones for a few more weeks. I’m taking supplements now that are supposed to help with nerve regeneration and there are creams that can help with stimulation and herbs I can take that are supposed to help. If the nerves are damaged, they can do surgery to repair the nerves, but it’s not a guarantee. It just depends on the damage.”
“Is this why you pushed me away?”
He nodded. “It’s a lot to have to deal with.”
“But I would have been there for you. I would have helped you deal with it.”
“I know that, but do you realize what it would have meant if the surgery and all that other bullshit doesn’t work?”
I looked at him questioningly.
“It would mean no sex.”
“But there are other ways-”
“There are other ways, but I could never give you all of myself. You’d have to rely on my tongue and my hands to pleasure you. You would never feel a dick inside you again,” he sniped. He was being harsh, trying to make me understand just how bad he perceived the situation.
“I’m not saying that I wouldn’t miss your cock inside me, but your fingers and tongue more than make up for what would be lacking.”
“It’s not just that,” he said as he stood and started pacing. “When you think of your future, what do you picture? A house filled with kids? That might not happen with me. I just didn’t want to put you in the position that you would have to choose.”
“So you chose for me.”
“I did what I thought was best.”
“Why are you here now? You want to be all noble and tell me the reason you chose to leave me?”
“I came because you deserved to know the truth.”
“Well, you’ve told me. You can leave now.”
I got up and headed for the door, but when I went to open it, I looked back to see him sitting on the couch with his head hung. When he didn’t get up, I went back to the couch and sat next to him.
“Why did you really come here?”
He looked up at me with a vulnerability that I didn’t think he meant me to see.
“I came to beg for your forgiveness. To see if you could ever love me again after I told you I loved you and then kicked you out of my life. I know that I screwed up and I don’t deserve to have you back, but if you do decide that I’m worth it, I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re satisfied.”
“Is that all you think you’re worth? What your cock can do for me?”
“Are you saying you’d be fine being with a man who can’t even please a woman the way he’s supposed to?”
“I’m saying that I love you, limp dick and all. You’re the first person to ever see me and not judge me for the way I’ve become. You try to help me, but you don’t pity me or make me feel like I’m less. More than that, you’ve helped me to see who I really am. I want you and whatever you can give me, just don’t ask me to settle for less. You’re either all in or you’re not.
“As for your medical issues, we can work through them together. There are ways that we can be intimate without your dick. As for pleasuring you, I’m sure there’s a plethora of research out there that will give us plenty to work with. I just need to know that you trust me enough. I don’t want to wake up one morning with you gone because you’ve decided I need more. You have to trust that I’ll tell you what I need and be honest with you.”
He gripped my hand and looked up at me, his face like granite. “I promise, I will never hurt you like that again. I decided when I came out here that I would stay whether you took me back or not. I gave up my job and brought all my stuff back here. I’ll be working with Sebastian again once I finish my PT. I’m all in here, Lollipop. I won’t run away again and I won’t hide anything from you. I do need one thing from you, though.”
“What is it?”
He took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. “If nothing works and this is just how I’m going to be, I need you to promise me to tell me if it’s not enough. I’m not gonna lie, it would kill me to lose you, but it would be even worse it you weren’t happy but you felt you needed to stick around out of obligation.”
“Mark, I’m not promising forever. We haven’t known each other that long and we’ve had more hard times than good, but I would never leave you because of something like that.”
He shook his head at me. “No, Lollipop, that’s not what I’m saying. I know that neither of us is ready or more than what we have, but if the worst happens, I need you to be honest with yourself and me. Promise me that or this won’t go any further.”
I could see this was a promise he needed, so I nodded and gave him a kiss. “I promise. If this ever isn’t what I want, I promise to let you know.”
“Thank you.” He leaned his forehead against mine and let out a deep breath.
“What do we do now?”
“Now, I need to find a new place to live. My apartment still has my stuff, but the landlord already signed a lease with a new tenant.”
“You could stay here.”
That popped out before I had time to think about it. His face lit with surprise and a little hesitation.
“I mean, I’m not suggesting that we live together, but you could stay here until you find something more permanent.”
“That would actually be great. It’ll give me enough time to find something I really want.”
“Alright, well get your stuff and come over.”
“I came right here. All my stuff is still in my truck.”
“You came right here?” I tried to hide my grin, but it just wasn’t possible.
“I had to see you, Lollipop. I had to try to make things right before it was too late.”
He kissed me deep and wrapped me in his arms, his fingers skating down to the hem of my shirt. As he pulled it up, my nipples pebbled in anticipation. Pushing me back against the cushions, he pulled off my shirt and bit my nipple through my bra. My legs wrapped around him, pulling him closer. I noticed the lack of hardness in his pants and tried not to let it get to me, but it was difficult. This wouldn’t be the same as it usually was with us.
“Don’t think about it. This is all about you. I need to do this,” he whispered.
>
I relaxed into his touch and was soon flying high as his hands caressed my skin. His tongue wet circles on my skin until I was shivering and moaning. I needed so much more and he didn’t disappoint. My pants were off me moments later and his head was between my legs. Panting, I started pulling his hair as his tongue delved into my heat and his thumb rubbed my clit.
My breathing was harsh and intense and my body convulsed from the orgasm he pulled from me. As my fingers released his hair and my breathing slowed, he sat up and grinned, but that grinned turned somewhat maniacal when he threw me over his shoulder moments later and carried me to my bedroom.
After he made me come several more times, we laid in bed with his head resting on my chest. His fingers played with my belly button as I ran my fingertips up and down his back.
“Did you feel anything from that?” I asked hesitantly.
“It’s strange. Part of my body has the desired reaction. Like, my nipples get hard and my head wants it, but everything down south is numb. It’s still early though. I have to give it time.”
He sat up and kissed me. “Imagine all the things I can do to you in the meantime.” He grinned and then kissed me harshly as his fingers went in for another round.
✯✯✯✯✯
Over the next few weeks, I started going to Sean and Lillian’s to watch their daughter while Lillian was teaching. Mark went to PT every day and said he should be cleared in another few weeks. He was about eighty-five percent back, but Sebastian wouldn’t allow him to come back until he was cleared for duty by the doctors. Every night, Mark had dinner waiting for me when I got home and every night, he showed me how pleasurable things could be without the use of his cock.
Mark had also started taking me out again to work on getting my anxiety under control. So far I hadn’t passed out or thrown up, so I felt like that was progress. Last night, he took me to a fancy restaurant, which gave me added pressure because of the atmosphere. It was always worse when it would be seen as impolite to dash through a fancy restaurant. Mark got me through and though I had a few weak moments where I almost begged him to take me home, I felt better when I survived the night, knowing that every night out was a step in the right direction.
Sinner: A Reed Security Romance Page 26