In keeping with literary tradition, we would have liked
to dedicate this book to our moms. However, in the first section alone
are the words “nipples,” “breasts,” “balls,” “bitch,” “shit,” “nuts,”
“pussy,” “genitals,” “man-boobs,” and “go fuck yourself,”
so we decided to spare everyone the overwhelming discomfort.
SPORTS & FITNESS
Guys who insist on playing everything shirts & skins
Guys who are more comfortable nude at the gym than I am at home
Guys who verbally encourage themselves while working out
Obese guys who lose to skinny guys in eating competitions
Guys who know more about sports than we wish they did
Guys who work out with their girlfriends
Guys who know karate who've never kicked anyone's ass
Guys who still wonder how much we can bench
Guys who are way too into their company softball team
Guys in steam rooms with wandering eyes
Guy gym trainers with terrible bodies
Guys who bring their own pool sticks to bars
SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
Guys who say, “We're pregnant”
Oblivious third-wheel guys
Picky wingmen
Guys who keep reminding us of the time they had a threesome
Guys who insist a stripper was into them
Guys who propose to their girlfriends in hot air balloons
Guys who tell us how many times they beat off last night
Guys who include hookers in their lifetime tally of lays
Guys in pornos who don't wear condoms
Guys who wear T-shirts declaring their prowess with the female anatomy
Incredibly gay guys who are the last ones to know it
Guys who email us porn that haunts our dreams
GROOMING, HYGIENE & FASHION
Guys with Amish beards who aren't Amish
Guys with startling unibrows
Guys getting manicures in broad daylight
Guys with perfect perma-scruff
Guys who can't stop pitting
Guys who shave their balls
Balding guys who haven't shaved their heads yet
Guys who go to costume parties dressed as anything adorable
Guys who wear vintage clothes
Guys who wear winter hats indoors
ETIQUETTE
Guys who over-hug
Guys who won't acknowledge their lactose intolerance
Guys who strike up conversations at urinals
Practical joke guys who mistake danger for humor
Guys who try to get us to look at their giant turds
Guys who think we have a special handshake when we really don't
Guys who rub their friends’ shoulders
Old guys who fart and think we don't notice
Guys who bring more than one other guy to a party
Guys who actually think they do a good robot
Guys who try to get us to bet on everything
Guys who explode in public bathrooms
Guys who wear sunglasses during nonprofessional poker games
BARS, DRINKING & ENTERTAINMENT
Guys who try to turn every activity into a drinking activity
Guys in bars who pretend they're reading
Guys who pretend they're having a lot more fun than they really are
Guys who dodge paying for their round of drinks
Guys who impersonate Arnold Schwarzenegger
A-holes who work the doors at clubs
Guys in Vegas who insist on gambling despite being plastered
Barbacks who stand around while we need drinks
Guys who still quote The Holy Grail and/or Spinal Tap
Guys who always have a new shitty band for us to listen to
Guys who listen to Dave Matthews on purpose
Guys who dance with the girls dancing on the bar
FINAL EXAM
The Don't Be That Guy Quiz
FOREWORD
Don't Be That Guy is for anyone who's ever looked across the room and said, “Is it me, or is that guy a complete ass?” In these pages you'll find validation that he is, in fact, a complete ass, and feel justified in pointing and laughing at him.
You'll also gain a better understanding of the friends, colleagues, boyfriends, brothers, and husbands in your lives—while dramatically improving your ability to mock them.
This book is also for the guys themselves. The ones who make us shake our heads at all the annoying little things they do. To all of you, consider this book a friendly full-length mirror: an honest little reflection to help you see the bonehead we all see in you.
Now, there is one caution worth mentioning before you get started. You may find yourself reading along and chuckling at the ironic truth of these insights, when suddenly the laughter stops.
You turn the page and see something that isn't funny at all: you.
This can happen unexpectedly, and can hurt a little. But don't be alarmed, there's a whole new guy to ridicule on the next page. If, however, it's you again … well, apparently you've got some stuff to sort out.
GUYS WHO INSIST ON PLAYING EVERYTHING SHIRTS & SKINS
We get it. You're very attractive. Your chest and abs are well-defined. Your skin is tanned and, dare I say, supple.
It must be nice to live in your world, actually looking forward to opportunities to unveil your Aryan genealogy.
We, on the other hand, are pear-shaped. We have bacne, outee belly buttons, and weird nipples.
Our bodies aren't something we're eager to showcase. In fact, it wasn't long ago that we became comfortable swimming shirtless.
So let's all just take a moment to memorize our teammates’ faces. There are only five of us; it shouldn't be too hard.
GUYS WHO ARE MORE COMFORTABLE NUDE AT THE GYM THAN I AM AT HOME
Exactly how much of a hindrance would a towel around your waist be while you shave or clean your ears?
Even when you weigh yourself, couldn't you just deduct a pound to account for the extra weight?
I think you could.
It seems you've found yourself a nice little loophole in the anti-exhibitionism laws of our great country.
Good for you, nude gym guy.
And pretty freaking awful for us.
GUYS WHO VERBALLY ENCOURAGE THEMSELVES WHILE WORKING OUT
It's always great to see a guy offering up friendly encouragement at the gym.
Except when it's to himself.
An under-your-breath rep count is perfectly understandable, but here's what we don't want to hear:
“Come on Jimmy, come on buddy, pump that shit, that's it, fuckin’ pump it, bitch! You feel that burn? You feel that shit? Yeah you do Jimmy! Yeah you do!!”
The funny thing is, this self-pep talk would work just as well if you think it. …
But it's not about that, is it, Jimmy?
OBESE GUYS WHO LOSE TO SKINNY GUYS IN EATING COMPETITIONS
While there are very few benefits to being plus-sized, there are fleeting moments of grandeur.
Like when you're sitting next to an eighty-five-pound Japanese kid at a hot-dog-eating contest.
There isn't an anatomical or psychological reason for you to lose here.
You should win, then eat him—partly to send a message, and partly because you could still use a little something.
So un
less you want all those hours at Sizzler to be in vain, I suggest you start shoveling some weenies down your throat.
GUYS WHO KNOW MORE ABOUT SPORTS THAN WE WISH THEY DID
Your ability to retain such a wealth of information is truly amazing. Your inability to shut your pie-hole, however, is infuriating.
No one asked how many triple-doubles LeBron had last season.
No one asked how many touchdowns Manning threw for in 2004.
But you still tell us. And tell us.
Hey, in the spirit of sports trivia questions, here's one for you:
Who's about to get a right uppercut to the nuts?
GUYS WHO WORK OUT WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS
Aren't you just capital “A” adorable, as you struggle through the most impractical exercise partnership on the planet?
Hauling those forty-five-pound plates on and off the bar every two minutes.
Constantly readjusting each machine to account for your twelve-inch height difference.
It's a lot of work.
Not only that, but you and Cuddlebums are on a very short road to Stifleville.
Living, eating, and sleeping together are just about all most relationships can handle.
GUYS WHO KNOW KARATE WHO'VE NEVER KICKED ANYONE'S ASS
In all the years since we've known you, we haven't seen you punch a single person, let alone brush someone off with one of those roundhouse kicks we've been hearing so much about.
All we ever see you do is stretch out. And reason with people.
It's upsetting.
We'd like to believe you're bound by some ancient code of honor because of your unfair advantage over opponents. But odds are leaning toward you just being a huge pussy.
You paid good money to learn how to tear someone's larynx out of his throat. Frankly, it's troubling to watch you squander it.
At the very least, it wouldn't kill you to break a frigging board in half for us.
GUYS WHO STILL WONDER HOW MUCH WE CAN BENCH
Take a good look at my body.
I haven't picked up a free weight in about ten years, and I'm pretty sure you haven't either.
This isn't something you should be even remotely curious about anymore. But you are.
I know I'm in for it every time the topic of exercise comes up—you get that weird look in your eye, then you scan my torso, make that little head nod at me, and out it comes.
I promise if I stop doing water aerobics and start maxing out again, I'll let you know how I do.
GUYS WHO ARE WAY TOO INTO THEIR COMPANY SOFTBALL TEAM
Let me guess … you were a scouted high school player and would have gotten that scholarship if you hadn't torn your ACL in the division playoffs?
Well, a couple of things have changed since then, like you being a middle-aged accountant now.
The scouts are long gone, I'm afraid, so you can stop double-gunning the other accountants and try to enjoy your very uncompetitive game of softball.
The rest of us are here for one very specific reason: free beer at the post-game bar. And the sooner you stop arguing with the volunteer ump, the sooner we can make that happen.
GUYS IN STEAM ROOMS WITH WANDERING EYES
Besides loosening our muscles, this steam is serving another very important purpose.
It's keeping us from seeing each other's genitals.
So when the steam cloud lifts between surges, and the faint, hazy images of our wee-wees become all too clear, please keep your head down.
In a few moments, the haze will be back and order will once again be restored.
GUY GYM TRAINERS WITH TERRIBLE BODIES
You know when you're encouraging me to battle through one more crunch, and I hesitate?
It's not because I'm tired. It's because I'm staring at your enormous spare tire wondering why the hell I'm taking exercise advice from Grimace.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do the exact opposite of what you tell me.
Because as it stands now with your man-boobs dangling in my face, I'm not feeling it.
GUYS WHO BRING THEIR OWN POOL STICKS TO BARS
There's really only one thing to say here:
You better be fucking amazing at pool.
I'm not talking beat-your-friends amazing, I'm talking trick-shots-with-flaming-rings amazing.
Honestly, what do you think we're thinking while you screw that thing together and chalk up your hands?
I'll tell you: “Please, Lord, let him rip the felt on his break.”
Something possessed you to leave your house carrying a long, leather-sheathed case.
For your sake, I hope it's talent.
GUYS WHO SAY,
“WE'RE PREGNANT”
This is no different than you getting kicked in the nuts and your wife telling everyone, “We just got kicked in the nuts,” while you're curled up on the ground.
Even though you think she likes hearing you say “we,” deep down she resents it.
Why?
Maybe it's because she's the one who'll be passing a human through her tiny vagina, and you're the one who'll be standing next to her eating Twizzlers.
So remember, your wife's the one who's pregnant.
You're just the one who did it to her.
OBLIVIOUS
THIRD-WHEEL GUYS
No matter how witty and fascinating your yarns may be, the inevitable fact remains that you're not getting any tonight.
It's far too late to turn this ship around. You went from wingman to creepy guy about two hours ago.
So please, make this beer your last and let your friend get it on before the sun comes up.
In the event you're actually holding out for a threesome, the following graphic illustrates the likelihood of this occurring.
PICKY WINGMEN
By definition, a wingman is a guy who keeps another girl occupied while his friend makes his move.
Also by definition, you don't get to choose who you keep occupied.
Sometimes it works out nicely for you too, and that's a fun little bonus.
Other times, she'll have a mullet and arm hair like Robin Williams.
And that's okay, because tonight your needs are secondary. So bat those eyelashes and get to work.
GUYS WHO KEEP REMINDING US OF THE TIME THEY HAD A THREESOME
We were happy for you the first time you told us this story eight years ago, but now we want to choke you every time you find an excuse to bring it up.
The Three Amigos comes on cable and whammo, we're listening to how you couldn't tell whose legs were whose that night because it was so “crazy.”
Perhaps you don't feel like you've rubbed it in properly, but I can assure you that you have.
You crossed a line that we will never cross.
Now please let us enjoy our stupid single-partner sex in peace.
GUYS WHO INSIST A STRIPPER WAS INTO THEM
Why do you insist on putting us through the same painful speech every time we leave a strip club?
“You guys, this time was totally different, I swear, I'm telling you it was weird, this girl gave me like two free dances and was totally giving me the vibe….”
First off, everything you say until your raging hard-on disappears is in question, but let's go ahead and break this down anyway. While it was, in fact, noteworthy that she gave you two free dances, let's not forget that you paid for seventeen. That, my friend, is not the mark of someone who was into you, but that of a true professional. Of course we all dream of making free, sweet love to a stripper, but the fact remains that you were too dizzied by the haze of coconut body spray to realize she was actually just doing her job. So please stop this “connection” nonsense; let's all just hit the ATM again, get some eggs, and reminisce about the fake sex we just paid for.
GUYS WHO PROPOSE TO THEIR GIRLFRIENDS IN HOT AIR BALLOONS
Not only is this a slap in the face to those of us making ground proposals, but you've screwed yourself in the process.
; Your little aerial stunt has set the romantic-cliché bar extremely high for the remainder of your relationship.
So get ready to ride white horses on her birthday, swim with dolphins on Valentine's Day, and adopt a Laotian baby on your anniversary.
She's expecting some crazy-ass shit for the rest of your lives together, and it's all your fault.
GUYS WHO TELL US HOW MANY TIMES THEY BEAT OFF LAST NIGHT
In the spirit of confessions, here's one for you:
I don't like it when you talk to me about masturbating.
It makes me feel weird.
Honestly, what reaction do you think you're going to get out of anyone besides nausea?
We've all had our big nights, so to speak, but some personal triumphs should remain, well, personal.
GUYS WHO INCLUDE HOOKERS IN THEIR LIFETIME TALLY OF LAYS
Nope.
Inherent in the definition of “lay” is some semblance of conquest. Some effort on your part other than reaching into your wallet.
Even if you recall a particularly tender moment during a rendezvous with a pro, that still doesn't shift her into the “civilian sex” column.
It puts her into the “tender prostitute sex” column.
So the next time you're throwing your head back in search of a total, weed out the women you remember going to an ATM with afterward.
GUYS IN PORNOS WHO DON'T WEAR CONDOMS
You look pretty happy for someone who's dying soon.
I don't think I need to tell you this, but you've made a terrible decision.
I'm sure you got some pressure from the director to go bareback, but let's remember this was the same man who fed you the line:
“You want some more of this pork hammer?”
So consider the source.
And now after all your hard work, you probably won't even live to see Clit Parade 6 hit the silver screen.
Don't Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didn't Page 1