GUYS WHO WEAR T-SHIRTS DECLARING THEIR PROWESS WITH THE FEMALE ANATOMY
Wow, you must be the “Pussy Invader.” It's nice to meet you.
If only the irony of this clothing choice wasn't lost on you.
The mere fact that you wear this shirt tells us that you are an invader of nothing, least of all pussy.
Not that you should wear a “Virgin Questioning His Sexuality” shirt, but a nice blank tee from the Gap never hurt anyone.
A few more you shouldn't wear anymore:
INCREDIBLY GAY GUYS WHO ARE THE LAST ONES TO KNOW IT
You have a mustache.
You make scones.
You say, “You go, girl.”
You bang dudes.
This is the real thing, my friend. The real McCoy.
It's time to let yourself in on it, because everyone else already is.
Your wife and kids aren't throwing anyone off your scent, and neither is your deluxe ESPN package.
You're a very gay man.
So kick that closet door down and tell the world.
Just don't be upset when no one gasps.
GUYS WHO EMAIL US PORN THAT HAUNTS OUR DREAMS
Your name pops up in our inbox and it can only mean one thing: we're seconds away from watching a transvestite fuck a seal.
Of course, it's ultimately our decision to watch it or not. We're adults.
We could choose not to see German twins make number two on each other.
But when it's right there, just a click away, we must.
Over the years, you have shown me things I wish I never knew existed, and robbed me of my sweet innocence in the process.
For that, sir, I will never forgive you.
GUYS WITH AMISH BEARDS WHO AREN'T AMISH
This isn't a good look for the Amish and it certainly isn't a good look for you.
Of all the things to borrow from the residents of Lancaster County, their beard was a terrible choice.
What about their work ethic or their family values? Both admirable qualities you could have just as easily adopted.
I guess we should all be thankful you didn't go with the hats.
GUYS WITH STARTLING UNIBROWS
Your priorities are beyond mere physical appearance and I respect that. But it's time to reprioritize and get that crazy thing off your face.
This isn't a few connecting hairs you're dealing with, this is a full-blown Bert and Ernie catastrophe.
You have to be tired of people's eye contact slipping away during conversations, drifting upward, locking in on your browpillar.
The day has come, my swarthy friend, to restore that vital strip of skin real estate, and your dignity in the process.
GUYS GETTING MANICURES IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
You see me … I know you see me.
Yoo-hoo … right here in the window. Look at me.
Look up from your nail treatment and look at me.
This is bad.
What you're doing is very bad. Very shameful.
You know how I know?
Because you won't look at me.
GUYS WITH PERFECT PERMA-SCRUFF
Man, it looks like you just didn't have a chance to shave the last couple of days, huh? It's been rough with all the late nights and threesomes, right?
Wrong.
You, sir, have labored over this scruff. You have carefully sculpted it. Contoured it. Groomed it to look like you don't care, when in fact you do care.
You care very much.
You've put way more time into this Wham! look than a guy who actually shaves every morning.
So while you're looking off into space, rubbing your bristly chin, just know that we know.
GUYS WHO CAN'T STOP PITTING
There's an entire aisle in the drugstore devoted to armpits.
Surely there's some combination of products to stop those two Rorschach blots from seeping through both of your shirts.
I'm not picking on your hormones—clearly your pH balance is out of whack.
But please do us the favor of pursuing a cure.
You owe us that.
And in the meantime, we'll do our best to maintain eye contact with you when you lift up your arms.
GUYS WHO SHAVE
THEIR BALLS
There is one thing I can assure you of with the utmost confidence: your balls are not even a little bit more attractive after you shave them.
You could paint little hearts all over them and dip them in glitter and they'd still be the ugliest part of the human anatomy.
Bringing a blade near them could very well be the most pointless and hazardous expression of vanity since the Chinese invented foot binding.
Trust me, in the end no girl is going to think, “Mmm, look how smooth that guy's balls are.”
She's going to think, “Eww, balls. Eww, shaved balls.”
BALDING GUYS WHO HAVEN'T SHAVED THEIR HEADS YET
You're really missing an enormous opportunity to not look terrible anymore.
Fate is throwing you a huge bone here. For probably the first time ever, the bald look is actually in fashion, yet for some reason you insist on this clownlike homage to the 1970s.
Think about it, just five minutes with a pair of clippers could silence the laughter—and maybe even get you back into the dating pool for another go at it.
GUYS WHO GO TO COSTUME PARTIES DRESSED AS ANYTHING ADORABLE
This is very simple.
Anything with whiskers is off-limits.
Anything with big floppy ears and/or a tail is off-limits.
You might think your cuddly-wuddly stunt is going to get you laid, but think again. You are oozing with neediness.
While women can sometimes be tough to read, there's one thing you can be sure of:
None of them wants to bang a mouse.
GUYS WHO WEAR
VINTAGE CLOTHES
There were reasons Don Knotts didn't get laid, and you're wearing them.
If it were October 31, I'd say knock your socks off, but it isn't. It's just another day of us all trying to pretend you don't look dumb.
Oh, and before you go bragging about the $4 price tag on that 35-year-old pair of pants, remember it's going to cost twice that much to dry-clean the antique skidmarks from its fibers.
GUYS WHO WEAR WINTER HATS INDOORS
You must be pretty chilly, huh? Good thing you got that little wool cap to go over your head.
Quick question: if you're so cold, then why are you sweating? I can see little beads welling up under your cute furry brim.
Wait a second, you're not cold after all. You're warm. Dare I say, uncomfortably warm. You just can't bear to part with how adorable you look in that little beanie.
You will swelter through this entire day just to ensure that your pouty lips are accentuated.
Wow, that's some vain-ass shit.
GUYS WHO OVER-HUG
When I get married, feel free to throw your arms around me. When I have a child, by all means, wrap me into your chest. These are milestones that warrant such a gesture of affection. When I come over for poker, however, don't. Don't you dare.
In fact, here's a list to refer to when you're unsure:
GUYS WHO WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR LACTOSE INTOLERANCE
When you lay an egg that clears out a room right after you eat a yogurt, you're lactose intolerant and you need to take a pill to correct it.
When you grab a slice, then minutes later see us grabbing our mouths, again, you're lactose intolerant and you need to see a doctor.
You seem to have forgotten that ice cream cones aren't supposed to cause labor-like cramps and sweating. They're supposed to make you smile and giggle.
No more “Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me” crap. Because I do.
You're lactose intolerant.
So please, show some well-overdue respect for your condition and your friends and lay off the goddamned dairy.
GUYS WHO STRIKE UP CONVERSATIONS AT URINALS
&n
bsp; Would it kill you to ride out these sixty seconds in silence?
Personally, my goal in here is simple: to relieve myself and exit before the barn-like stench overcomes me.
Under different circumstances, I'd be more than happy to chat with you—like, for example, when we're not both holding our nude penises.
If the boredom is really getting to you, try playing “Chase the Pube™” around the urinal with your stream—a nice, private way to kill some time. (See illustration on the next page.)
PRACTICAL JOKE GUYS WHO MISTAKE DANGER FOR HUMOR
Would it be funny if you stuck Krazy glue all over Rick's pillow?
No, it wouldn't, because Rick would probably die.
There's a not-so-fine line between humorous and horrifying that you seem unable to distinguish, otherwise you wouldn't be asking me if you should mail that dead sheep's head to your teacher.
Yet another lighthearted prank I'm going to have to vote no on.
GUYS WHO TRY TO GET US TO LOOK AT THEIR GIANT TURDS
Look, we've all birthed a toilet child before. We've all stood back and marveled at our bovine accomplishments. But we did it alone, as the Lord intended.
You've got some gall coming out of the bathroom like that, urging a viewing as if we'd be the weird ones if we turned you down.
Fast forward to what that scene would be like if we actually followed you back in there.
You, standing over the bowl, pointing out measurements and topographical features. And us, peering over your shoulder with kerchiefs over our mouths like rookie detectives at a crime scene trying to suppress our gag reflexes.
Feel free to stay in there as long as you want—poke it, weigh it, photograph it—whatever you're into.
But this is one moment of pride you're going to have to bask in solo.
GUYS WHO THINK WE HAVE A SPECIAL HANDSHAKE WHEN WE REALLY DON'T
Don't lay some fist-finger-snap combo on me and expect me to fall in sync with you.
We've never done this before. In fact, you and I barely even shake hands. It's usually just a simple nod or “What's up?”
So what's with the five-finger dance all of a sudden?
Not to discourage your little burst of street flair, but if we're going to pull this off, you really need to walk me through it first. Just because you've been watching The Wire doesn't mean the rest of us have.
GUYS WHO RUB THEIR FRIENDS’ SHOULDERS
Let me be the first to say, this feels really nice. But let me also say, you shouldn't do it anymore.
Yes, your fingers are meaty and strong and, yes, I've been a bit tense lately, but it still doesn't make it right.
Here I am just thinking you're coming over for an innocent high-five, and then bam!
It's man-on-man shiatsu time.
While I'm 95% sure you're doing this in a friendship/uncle sort of way, it's that 5% that keeps it from being truly enjoyable …
And makes me wonder if you're sniffing my hair while you're back there.
OLD GUYS WHO FART AND THINK WE DON'T NOTICE
I believe that you can't hear yourself break wind anymore. I also buy that you've lost the ability to smell how atrocious it is. But you have to know we can see you lift your leg up every time.
All is fair in the haze of geriatric anonymity, but when people under eighty are around and you rip one, everyone knows it.
We hear it. We smell it. We taste it.
Because sadly, the years have not only dulled your senses, they've seasoned your colon to toxic levels.
GUYS WHO BRING MORE THAN ONE OTHER GUY TO A PARTY
If this had been an invitation to a pick-up football game, then you'd be a hero right now. But it wasn't, so let's use our heads here.
You've sent this nicely balanced party spiraling into a Code 5 Sausagefest just so you could have a couple of more guys to high-five during the night.
This is the logic of a crazy person.
So let's go ahead and put a two-man capper on all coed soirees from here on in. Not only will you have a better time, you'll greatly reduce your chances of waking up in the arms of another dude.
GUYS WHO ACTUALLY THINK THEY DO A GOOD ROBOT
There's a look in your eye that isn't saying, “Hey, isn't this funny?”
It's saying, “Hey, isn't this weirdly machine-like?”
You can't hide what you're feeling. You are mechanical.
Your limbs have steel joints.
Your secret talent has finally been unleashed, right here at this wedding.
Unfortunately, from where we're standing, you look less like a robot and more like an extremely uncoordinated human being.
Possibly with some sort of muscular-system disorder.
GUYS WHO TRY TO GET US TO BET ON EVERYTHING
Can you make that shot from your cubicle into the wastebasket?
Probably not.
Do we want to bet $5 on it?
No. No, we don't.
Can you get that girl's number over there?
Maybe.
Do we want to wager a cool Hamilton on it?
Again, no.
Sorry that regular life isn't giving you the rush you're after, but these aren't things we want to watch, let alone bet on.
Honestly, we're dreading the day you have to hitch a ride to work because you lost your car in a game of “guess which hand.”
GUYS WHO EXPLODE IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS
As men, we're not held to the same code of decency as women, and we should celebrate that.
But not like this.
If the human body is capable of such feats as fighting disease and creating new life, it can certainly control the force with which we poo.
Unless your last meal was at a taqueria in Guadalajara, when you explode on a toilet, it's because you want to.
And while you remain anonymous behind that stall door, I hope you still feel some shame from the fecal concerto you're subjecting us to.
GUYS WHO WEAR SUNGLASSES DURING NONPROFESSIONAL POKER GAMES
In a game where half of us can't remember if a flush beats a full house, what are the chances that your swelling corneas are giving away your bluff?
This isn't Vegas; this is my basement. Hence, the twenty-five-cent blinds and the fact that the woman you saw on your way in was my mom.
It's also kind of infuriating how you keep picking up the wrong colored chips and knocking over your beer because you can't see.
So how about you take those things off, thank my mom for the Hot Pockets she just brought downstairs, and we can all get back to winning less than a dollar off each other?
GUYS WHO TRY TO TURN EVERY ACTIVITY INTO A DRINKING ACTIVITY
Catching a buzz before we head to the museum doesn't sound like a good idea at all.
Throwing back a few before our bike ride sounds like an even worse one.
I'm not sure what added enjoyment you glean from these events by being pickled, but I am sure about one thing.
Somebody's an alcoholic.
GUYS IN BARS WHO PRETEND THEY'RE READING
The jig's up, fellas. We know you're not really reading.
You can't be; it's too dark.
It is light enough, however, to see you looking up to make sure people see you “reading.”
If you think literature is a big hook with women, then maybe you should try talking to a girl about a book instead of reading one in front of her.
Clearly, there are better ways to exude the intellectual vibe without bringing props with you, or at least places where you won't look like you're trying so hard.
Like the library. Or France.
GUYS WHO PRETEND THEY'RE HAVING A LOT MORE FUN THAN THEY REALLY ARE
So you're the fun guy.
The one everyone in your crew counts on to keep things festive.
The guy who needs no direct stimulus to warrant any number of inappropriate outbursts.
Painful classics like “Boo-yah!” and “Let's do this!”
Nothing happen
ed to justify this enthusiasm. There's no game on TV, and by the looks of things, none of your friends said anything all that exciting.
You're having a very mediocre time.
You know it and we know it.
GUYS WHO DODGE PAYING FOR THEIR ROUND OF DRINKS
We know that's not a real cell phone conversation you're having. Your phone didn't ring, vibrate, or light up.
We're also very aware of your conveniently timed trips to the bathroom and nonchalant drifts over to the jukebox when your round is up.
You're as transparent as your friends’ empty glasses.
And honestly, how many times do you think you can get away with your famous “Shit, they don't take credit cards here?” schtick.
Your pettiness is undermining the entire Round System as we know it.
So before you throw the entire thing off, why not go ahead and pony up for a round?
It's a small price to pay for friendship.
GUYS WHO IMPERSONATE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Everyone loves a good impression.
Everyone hates a guy who impersonates Arnold.
Why? Because it takes no skill.
It is hands down the easiest impression on the face of the earth.
My seven-year-old nephew does a good Arnold.
My mom does a good Arnold.
So do everyone a favor and drop the Aaanuld.
You'll be amazed at how much more everyone likes you.
A-HOLES WHO WORK THE DOORS AT CLUBS
To all you Vin Diesel-looking, fake earpiece-wearing, power-trip dickheads, shamelessly ignoring hundreds of guys every night—just know this:
Don't Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didn't Page 2