Fallen Grace

by M. Lauryl Lewis

  “I know you don’t want to talk,” he said quietly. “I know you need time. I wish I could make it all go away, Zoe. God, I wish I could take away all of your hurt.”

  I didn’t respond. Instead, I curled into the tightest ball I could and closed my eyes. It felt like a long time before Boggs left the room. He closed the door behind him. I could tell he was standing just on the other side. It was a long time before I heard his footfalls leading away from the door. I open my eyes and stared blankly at the wall on the other side of the room. I could hear the muffled voices from the other room. At one point someone sounded angry. I thought it was Nathan. Susan barked something at him in reply, followed by Abbey crying again.

  Time had little meaning. The only way I knew it was passing was by my own breathing. Susan came in to check on me once. I knew she was talking. I listened to the familiar softness of her voice and felt the warmth of her hand as she stroked my hair. My thoughts would race from the day I first met Gus to the time we first kissed to when he made love to me for the first time at the river’s edge. I pictured him as he held my lifeless baby girl in his arms so gently. When my mind fabricated an image of him holding a gun to his own head, I would begin quietly sobbing again. I prayed silently for this nightmare to end and to wake up in his arms. A piece of me was missing in his absence. A piece of myself without which I wasn’t sure I could survive.

  ***

  It was baby Emmett stirring that woke me from a troubled sleep. Someone had placed him beside me in the bed. He was beginning to fuss in earnest. I was wearing a soft flannel nightgown but had no recollection of getting dressed. Emmett was in a fleece footed sleeper that zipped up the front. He was beginning to snort and sounded stuffy in the nose. I placed my hand on his fuzzy head.

  “Shhhh,” I said quietly. “Shhhh, it’s ok.”

  I unbuttoned the top of my nightgown and sat up in bed with a pillow behind me. I gently lifted the infant and cradled him across my chest. He nursed eagerly, quickly calming down. I stroked his little cheek with my thumb and felt a wave of overwhelming grief come over me.

  “I guess you’re all I have left, little baby,” I said in a broken voice.

  I heard someone clear their throat from the doorway and I looked up. Boggs was there watching me. He quietly walked to the bed and sat down next to us.

  “Zo, you’re not alone. You still have me, whether you want me or not.”

  “I can’t believe he’s gone. How could he just walk away like that?”

  He sighed deeply. “He did it to save us all. He was sick and knew it.”

  I looked back down at the baby in my arms.

  “Where do we go from here? How do we possibly give this baby a life?”

  “We have to just keep stepping forward. Day by day. One minute at a time, if we have to. I know you feel like you want to die right now. We’ve all lost so much, Zoe, but I think you’ve lost the most.” He paused while he thought. “We have to leave here soon. Danny and I searched the neighborhood while you were sleeping and we found some supplies. We even found a car that runs. Diapers and baby clothes too. We have it all packed up and ready to go.”

  “I’m not sure I can leave. If there’s any chance…”

  Boggs sighed again. “You know there’s not.”

  I looked at baby Emmett again. He looked utterly content. I envied him. What Boggs had just said was harsh but I knew he was trying to spare me from any added heartache to which false hope may lead.

  “Where will we go?”

  “We’ve all been talking and we think Tatoosh Island is still our best hope.”

  The baby was still feeding but seemed to be falling asleep. He was making quiet little noises. At that moment he was the only thing in the world that did make any sense.

  “When do we go?”

  “First light,” he answered. “Everyone else is sleeping and we don’t want to travel in the dark.”

  “I didn’t know it was night.”

  “Sue gave you something to help you sleep. You’ve been out for hours. I need to crash for a while myself. Will you be okay with Emmett? I just changed his diaper before I brought him in. Maybe half an hour ago?”

  “Ya. He’ll be fine with me. Where will you sleep?”

  “Sue and Abbey are in the upstairs bedroom. Danny’s down here with Nate. I can grab the sofa upstairs.”

  “Can you stay here with me and Emmett?”

  “Is that what you want?”

  I nodded quietly. I already felt so alone and the thought of Boggs being a floor above me was not one I welcomed.

  “Here, let me burp him. You need to grab a drink and a snack.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I mumbled.

  “Then do it for Emmett,” he said firmly as he gently took the baby from me. “I’ll burp him while you use the bathroom. I’ll have a snack waiting.”

  I nodded and climbed out of bed. He began pacing the bedroom with Emmett over his shoulder, bouncing him gently. I quietly walked through the main part of the basement, climbed the stairs, and made my way to the restroom. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed the toilet until I was done relieving myself.

  I quietly made my way back down to the single bedroom in the basement. Boggs had opened a can of apple sauce and had it waiting for me on the bedside. There was also a snack sized baggie of Doritos. Under happier circumstances I would have been thrilled to see my favorite junk food. Boggs had wrapped Emmett in a nursery blanket and was busy laying him down in the center of the bed. He turned to me and gestured for me to sit on the edge of the bed next to the food.

  “Eat.”

  I sat down on the edge of the bed next to the night stand. I took a few bites of the applesauce, not attempting to enjoy it. It was hard to imagine enjoying anything. I could feel Boggs’ eyes watching me as he lay behind me on the bed. After eating half of the can of fruit mush, I opened the small bag of chips and idly put one in my mouth. It had been so long since I had eaten anything with that many ingredients that it tasted off. I folded the little bag closed and slid it to one side of the little table, along with the rest of the applesauce. I took a small sip of water from a glass that had been left with the food. I swung my legs up onto the bed. Boggs had left a candle burning on top of the dresser but aside from that the room was dark. I lay down on my side so that I was facing both the baby and Boggs.

  “You should eat more than that.”

  I shook my head side-to-side. “I don’t think I can. Not right now.”

  “You look tired, Zoe. Try to sleep for a while.”

  I gently rested my palm on top of the baby so that I could feel him breathing. I was suddenly afraid that he too would die while he slept, like my Molly had. Boggs placed his own hand on top of mine and hooked his fingers through mine. I looked up at him and our eyes met. It was a quiet moment, and in its own right in healing one. We stayed like that for a while. Eventually Boggs’ eyes closed. As he began falling asleep he whispered very quietly, “I’ve missed you.”

  For the few short hours that we slept I dreamt of life before death had claimed our world. I had hoped that Gus would visit me as Emilie, little Jane, and baby Molly had. He never did.

  ***

  It was Susan who woke us the next morning.

  “It’s time to go,” she said simply.

  “We’ll get ready. Shouldn’t take us long,” said Boggs.

  “You doing ok, Zoe?” she asked me with kindness in her voice.

  “Truthfully? No, not really. Kinda feeling lost right now.”

  The baby was starting to stir, so I sat up in the bed and scooted back against the headboard to get ready to feed him.

  “Zo, can I get you anything?” asked Boggs.

  Modesty being an idea from the past, I began feeding Emmett with both Susan and Boggs still in the room. I could sense that Boggs was slightly uncomfortable.

  “Maybe just a new diaper for the little guy?”

  “I’ll grab one,” offered Susan as she quietly left the roo
m.

  “We have pretty much everything we need already packed in the car. We should leave as soon as you’re done with the baby.”

  “Kay.”

  I had been watching Emmett nurse and looked up at Boggs.

  “Does it bother you?” he asked.

  I looked at him questioningly. “Does what bother me?”

  “Feeding him with me here?”

  I looked back down at the baby in my arms. “Nah. Does it bother you?” I looked back up at him.

  “No. It’s actually really beautiful.”

  I could tell by the way he said it that he meant it only as a compliment on motherhood itself. We sat in silence for several minutes while Emmett finished eating. Once Emmett was done I handed him to Boggs, who put him over his shoulder to burp him. Susan rapped gently on the door and came in carrying a small stack of clothes with my tennis shoes sitting on top in one arm and in her other she had a fresh diaper and package of wet wipes. To speed our departure I dressed quickly while Boggs changed and tended to the baby.

  Within only minutes we were ready to leave the house in search of somewhere safer to settle. There were only seven of us now, sadly. We left through the front door as a group and walked down the short driveway to where an older-model dark green Windstar sat waiting for us. Nathan hobbled to the passenger side and waited patiently while Susan opened the sliding door. Boggs was already climbing into the front seat and starting the engine. The middle seat had been removed to make it easier for Nathan; to allow him more room for his injured leg. Several blankets and pillows were stacked inside and Abbey whispered to me that once Nathan was settled we’d prop his bad leg on the pillows and she and I could sit on blankets on the floor with Emmett. Susan planned to sit in the rearmost seat with Nathan and Danny would sit up front with Boggs. Before long we were all settled in.

  The minivan had been discovered inside one of the neighboring garages. Boggs had commented that we were lucky it had been left with a half tank of gas. The engine was running on the rough side, which Nate explained was likely due to it sitting for months and the gasoline beginning to go bad. Our goal was to return to Neah Bay, which according to a map we had found should only be about twelve miles north. As long as roads were clear we should be able to arrive by noon. Danny said there were old canoes in the Tribal Center, which were cared for routinely by tribe members. He said they should be usable and last for many years to come. They seemed the logical choice for traveling the half mile to Tatoosh Island, since we knew a motor boat would simply not last for long in this world.

  Nathan and Emmett both dozed for most of the trip. Tension filled the van and time itself seemed stagnant. Boggs had to leave the highway after about two miles due to a fallen tree. He wove us through a small neighborhood. I could feel the unending hunger of dead who hadn’t fed in months as we passed a nursing home. It left my mind reeling and I felt nauseous.

  “Boggs?” I called up front.

  “Ya?”

  “Can you roll down a window?”

  “You bet.”

  As fresh air began to fill the van, I felt a bit better. The smell of spring was refreshing. In the middle of a seemingly sparse stretch of road, Boggs brought the van to a stop.

  “It’s got to be late morning. Zo, do you feel any of the dead here? I’m hoping to stop for a breather.”

  I looked inside of my mind. “No. Not here. The nursing home about a mile back was full, though. They know we passed.”

  “Ok, so we should assume they’re trying to make their way toward us. Danny, can you help Nate out?”

  “You bet,” answered Danny.

  Boggs shut the engine off and I heard the door locks disengage. Emmett woke with the car no longer in motion. He opened his eyes and looked at me, but didn’t cry.

  “Zoe, I’ll go pee and come back to watch him while you take a stretch break,” said Susan.

  “I can help too,” said Abbey with a hint of a smile. She loved getting her hands on the baby.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled.

  “I don’t need to go, if you want me to change him,” added Abbey.

  I nodded. “Keep him safe, ok?”

  “Of course.”

  I lifted the baby up to my face and planted a kiss on his soft cheek. I carefully handed him over to the teenager who was now like a little sister to me. Danny slid our door open for us from the outside and held a hand out for me. I took it gratefully and stood, glad to have a chance to stretch. I walked around to the driver’s side of the van in search of Boggs as Danny and Susan helped Nathan.

  Boggs was standing at the side of the road, looking into the distance. There were few trees or buildings here, just old farmland and swamps.

  “Boggs? What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I was just thinking about everyone we’ve lost.”

  I hung my head and kicked at the dirt with my toe. “It never gets easier,” I said. “Losing them.”

  “I miss you, Zo.”

  I finally looked up and nodded. “I know.”

  “Thank you,” he said.

  I looked at him with curiosity. “For what?”

  “Ah. I dunno. Just…for not hating me, I guess.”

  “I could thank you for the same thing.”

  I put my hands in the back pockets of the jean shorts I was wearing.

  “We should get back to the car. I feel like a sitting duck here.”

  “I’ll be right there,” I said.

  As Boggs walked toward the car, he stopped beside me. He paused as if he wanted to say something, but instead turned and placed his hands on both sides of my face. He kissed me softly on the top of my head. I closed my eyes and he kept walking.

  CHAPTER 20

  We arrived at the Cultural Center in Neah Bay later than we had hoped. The detour Boggs’ had taken had landed us farther east than we had planned. Danny had taken over behind the wheel and I had suggested that Abbey sit up front with him so that Boggs could stretch out on the floor. Nathan remained in the back seat with his foot propped and Susan continued to sit beside him, holding his hand.

  “Nathan?” I called to him as Boggs slept beside me and the baby.

  “Hmm?”

  “Something about this whole infection crap makes us heal faster. Have you thought about letting one of us…”

  “No,” he interrupted me. “I appreciate the thought, but I want to stay clean.”

  “Clean,” I answered. “That’s an interesting way to put it.”

  “No offense intended,” he said.

  “No, no…it makes sense.”

  “I just fear that it might progress in anyone who carries it.”

  His words were like a slap in the face, reminding me of Gus. I nodded quietly and we rode on in silence.

  We were all growing hungry so Susan retrieved a small bag of snacks from behind her seat that she and Abbey had packed. She handed Nathan a small can of Vienna sausages and held out a box of raisins, which she handed to me. I opened the box and took a small handful for myself before passing them up front for Danny and Abbey to share.

  “Is there any water?”

  “Sure.”

  She reached behind their seat again and handed me two bottles. I passed one up to Abbey and Danny. By now none of us minded sharing. I nudged Boggs with my toe until he woke. He seemed a bit disoriented.

  “What’s up?” he asked.

  “Lunch time,” answered Nathan, who held out the can of little sausages for him.

  “Thanks, man.” Boggs took one of them and popped it into his mouth. “I never thought I’d actually say this, but these little suckers are good.”

  Nathan held the can over to me next but I shook my head no. “I’m good with the raisins for now, thanks.”

  “Hey Abs, Dan, you guys want some canned meat up there?” Nate called up front.

  “Nah, were good,” said Danny. “That’s the cultural center up on the left.”

  “Zoe? How’s it feel?” asked Susan.

 
“Clear.”

  Danny pulled the minivan into the parking lot of the cultural center. “I’m gonna pull in around back where the loading dock is. Two summers ago I volunteered in the youth outreach program. They had trailers parked along the back fence for hauling the boats to public schools over in Port Angeles. It brought in extra funds for the tribe. Did anyone check for a trailer hitch on this rig?”

  “Yup, it has one,” said Boggs. “Danny, any idea how much the canoes weigh?”

  “I’m not sure exactly, but they’re made of red cedar, so are pretty damn heavy.”

  “I’m sure the minivan isn’t meant to haul big loads, so we’ll need to take it slow,” interjected Nathan.

  Once Danny turned the corner of the building we were all glad to see that one of the trailers was still parked there. He pulled up alongside of it and I did a final mind-check of the area. Declaring that it seemed safe everybody except for Nathan got out of the car to stretch. Boggs and Susan walked to the trailer to check its tires while Danny and Abbey sat on the hood of the car talking quietly. Baby Emmett was awake now so I changed his diaper and fit him into the homemade sling so that I could easily carry him. Nearer the water now, temperatures seemed a bit cool. I used a strip of cloth that we had packed along as a burp rag to wrap around his nearly bald head, trying to keep him warm.

  Before long, Boggs instructed me, Susan, and Abbey to wait off to one side. He took his spot behind the driver’s wheel and Danny guided him back to the trailer. It took about 10 more minutes to hitch the trailer to the van. It took less time to back up to the loading dock.

  For the sake of making the task of locating a canoe quicker, it was decided that the baby and I would wait in the car with Nathan. Susan tried to talk Abbey into staying with us, but she insisted on going with.

  It seemed an eternity before the others came back. Boggs signaled for me to come up onto the loading dock, so I left baby Emmett with Nathan. Once I climbed the steps to join Boggs and the others, Danny explained that we’d need all of us to help push the rolling door upward. Without a working motor, the door proved to be extremely heavy. Once the door was opened, I smiled when I saw a canoe waiting. It was larger than I had expected, and looked like it would be more stable in the water than I had feared.