Happier Than She's Ever Been...

by Menna Van Praag

  After thanking their host, they stepped outside into darkness, onto a street lined with trees and fairy lights. They stood for a little while outside the café, chatting under the glow of a bright full moon that hung low in the sky. When they both started to shiver in the autumn breeze, they at last hugged goodbye. Lily crossed the road to her car and May turned to walk the thirty blocks home, waving at Alice through the window and giving her the thumbs up with both hands.

  They’d decided to meet the next day at Lily’s offices, where they’d sign the contract. The book would be published in six months. Lily would advance May a few thousand dollars and apply to extend her visa under the employment programme. She had it all covered. And in six short months Men, Money and Chocolate would be in bookshops all over America, or at least parts of it. Now thousands of women would have the chance to read May’s story, to hopefully find inspiration and comfort in its twists and turns. May might lift their hearts and bring a little joy into their lives. Just the thought of it made her giddy.

  As she meandered home, gazing up at the moon through the shifting clouds May felt as though she was looking at the floor of heaven: luminous cracked marble scattered with bright pinpricks of light. And she hoped her mother was gazing down at her, grinning from ear to ear to witness the happiest day of her daughter’s life.

  WISDOM

  ‘We’ll have the book launch here,’ Ben said, ‘won’t we?’

  ‘Of course we will,’ May replied, laughing. ‘Where else could it be? This is the only place in the world I’d have it, even if they offered me the Empire State Building.’

  Ben smiled. ‘I’m not sure they hold book launches there, but I’m touched you want it here. I’ll invite every customer I’ve ever had and every single person I’ve ever met. You bake five hundred cupcakes and we’ll be set.’

  ‘I still can’t believe it.’ May beamed. ‘I still can’t quite believe it.’

  It was two months until Publication Day, and May could hardly think about anything else. Conversations about book covers, manuscript edits, reading dates, tours and publicity left little room for other topics.

  Ben was wonderful throughout it all. He listened to every concern she had, read through all the edits she wanted to make, helped to plan events, even called magazine and newspaper editors when May was too shy. For her part May continued to work in the bookshop, although she often came late and left early to do something or other connected with her book. She’d kiss Ben on the cheek as she was flying in or out and thank him yet again for everything. She still held her twice-weekly cake and inspiration evenings, but everything else they’d done together was put on hold. And he noticed, as the weeks and months went by, that she flew out faster and no longer stopped to let her lips linger for long. He began to feel himself pushed to the edge of May’s world, and the only sure-fire way he could get her attention any more was to talk about the book. But Ben understood that the realisation of a lifelong dream always needed to be honoured, and he believed the obsession would settle down into pure passion once May saw her books on shelves and knew that the dream wasn’t an illusion after all. When she had really done it. When it had come true. Then Ben imagined May would start writing again; they would go out on dates again, make love more often and even have entire conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with literature or helping the female population with their love lives or weight worries at all. And until that day he would wait. Although he had to admit that, after almost four months of this, that day couldn’t come soon enough.

  ‘Hum, it’s still not quite right,’ May mused. ‘What if we make the gold lettering shiny instead of matt?’

  It was long past midnight. Lily and May had been staring at the new book cover proofs for the last five hours, batting ideas back and forth.

  ‘I really liked the other one by that other author,’ May said, waving one hand towards the computer.

  ‘With the moon – can’t we make it more like that?’

  ‘Sure,’ Lily said sleepily, ‘sure we can. But…’

  ‘But?’ May looked up.

  ‘Why don’t we talk about it tomorrow?’

  ‘Yeah, okay, of course. I’ll study more covers, other authors’ websites, and bring you more ideas. It needs to be noticeable, so women pick it off the shelves, so they read it.’ May thought of her Tuesday and Thursday night audiences. ‘Otherwise it’ll be wasted, which would be such a shame. I really think it might touch a lot of lives, help a lot of people. I don’t mean to be arrogant, ’cause it’s not really about me; it’s about them. I never thought it possible before, but now I see how it touches the women who love it and… anyway, what time shall I come over?’

  ‘Honey.’ Lily reached across the table and placed her palm over May’s, giving it a gentle squeeze. ‘I echo your feelings for wanting to help the whole world entirely – that’s why I’m publishing your wonderful little book – but you’re in danger of having your altruistic impulses corrupted by obsessing and thinking about it all too much. Also, given the lures of any venture into fame and fortune, no matter how slight, you must be careful about not getting sucked into the wild and not-at-all-wonderful world of Comparison, Control and Crazy. I think you might want to let go a little. Stop thinking about it. Step back. Why don’t you take a few days off ?’

  ‘What?’ May frowned, nervous. ‘Why? I’m fine. Aren’t we fine? I thought we were fine.’

  Lily just looked at her with a kind smile. May bit her lip, puzzling.

  ‘What do you mean anyway?’ May asked. ‘About the not-at-all-wonderful world of Comparison, Con–’

  ‘Comparison, Control and Crazy,’ Lily finished, ‘is the world you step into whenever you leave your private comfort zone for the public arena. You stop to survey your surroundings; you take a look around to see who’s out there in the public eye with you. And if you’re not careful you lose yourself completely in comparing yourself to those materially more successful than you. Then in an attempt to gain back your sanity you lose yourself even more by desperately trying to control everything, especially those things you have absolutely no hope of controlling: like how popular you are, how many books you sell, or how many friends you have on Facebook. Just everyday ridiculous things like that. And after a few weeks is when the crazy settles in… And, sadly, by then you might have been so corrupted that you’ve forgotten all about wanting to help people, the reason you started in the first place.’

  ‘I won’t forget,’ May said. ‘I don’t even want to be famous. I can’t imagine anything more embarrassing.’

  ‘Yes, my love, I know that’s true,’ Lily said. ‘I know that’s who you really are and it’s one of the many reasons I love you. But fame is a drug that few are immune to. It’s like a daily dose of heroin and it’s nearly impossible not to get addicted.’

  ‘Well, but –’ May looked a little panicked. ‘But surely I can control those things. I can publicise my book, invite people to events, do readings, TV, magazines, and just focus on why I’m doing it and not get lost in…’

  ‘Oh, my dear, sweet May,’ Lily said, ‘I hope so, but I worry for you anyway, and I have to tell you now while you’re still innocent and uncorrupted. Because if you do become addicted to the fame drug, then you’ll stop listening to anything Ben or I might say. You’ll become a completely different person, not lovely little May any more.’

  ‘No,’ May said. ‘No, I can’t. I won’t let that happen. Never. Not in a million years.’

  ‘I’m sure you wouldn’t want it to, but such drugs can corrupt the purest of us. We can all lose our souls and our centres in the desire for things like love, popularity, wealth, chocolate…’ Lily winked. ‘Didn’t you write a book about that?’

  May managed a smile. ‘Yes, of course, I know what you mean. I just think, well, I’ve learnt my lessons there and I wouldn’t make those mistakes again.’

  ‘I know you’ll try,’ Lily said, ‘and I know you wrote the book both to do something courageous and then to help
other women in their own lives. You were doing it for self-fulfilment rather than success, which is right and wonderful. But as you carry on down the path, making choices about what to do now and next, remember always to ask yourself if it’s an impulse that springs from the purity of your heart, or from the desires and demands of your mind.’

  May sat back in her chair. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘The mind tells you what you want,’ Lily said, ‘and often those things are pieced together from what you think is wrong with you and your life. So you want to fix it. If you want fame and fortune because you don’t think your life is enough as it is, and you don’t think that you’re perfect just as you are, then it will only end in heartache. If you don’t get enough of it – and it’ll never be enough then – you’re unhappy, and if you get it you’re unhappy too. Because, as you well know, self-fulfilment might precede success, but it’s never a product of it.’

  ‘Why?’ May asked. ‘Why does it work like that?’

  ‘Because those desires go against the wisdom of the heart.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘The heart has true desires that have nothing to do with making you a better person, or your life a better life,’ Lily explained. ‘The heart only expresses itself; it doesn’t want anything more than that. Just to be heard. Just to reach out and touch others; that’s all it wants.’

  ‘Yes,’ May said, ‘that was why I wrote my book. I mean, it wasn’t even as if I wrote it but my heart. It sort of came through me…’

  ‘Well, exactly. You know, when I was a lil’ girl growing up in Austin, Texas,’ Lily said with an affected drawl, ‘the Girl Scouts had a motto they drummed into us. I learnt it by heart the first moment they told us, ’cause it was just about the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard. What you have, they said, is your gift from God. And what you do with what you have is your gift to God.’

  ‘Wow,’ May said. ‘That’s beautiful.’

  ‘Isn’t it? To me it means that we’re meant to ask what life wants from us, just as often as asking life for what we want from it. That’s the wisdom of the heart rather than the demands of the mind, and I try to live my life that way, whenever I possibly can.’ Lily smiled. ‘So what do you say we wrap this little party up and go home and get some sleep?’

  ‘Yes.’ May sighed softly. ‘I think that sounds like a very good idea.’

  That night May curled up next to Ben, squeezing him tightly.

  ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been paying you much attention,’ she whispered, kissing his cheek. Ben shifted in his sleep. ‘I’ll come back to you now. I won’t get lost in the crazy world out there. I’ll always stay true to my heart, and yours, I promise.’

  ‘What if nobody comes?’ May paced up and down the bookshop floor, wiping her sweaty hands on her soft pink silk dress. ‘What if absolutely nobody turns up and we have to eat five hundred cupcakes all by ourselves?’

  ‘Well,’ Ben said, ‘would that be such a very bad thing?’

  May smiled. ‘You jest, but that used to be about my weekly consumption when I was running the café,’ she said. ‘And now I’d rip my very beautiful but very tight little dress open, and that –’

  ‘Would be a very wonderful thing.’ Ben grinned, picking May up and twirling her round and round. She giggled while he carried her to the enormous display of cupcakes: hundreds of red, purple and gold cakes sparkling with glitter and shiny frosting. May had spent two days in the kitchen carefully creating each one, piping on the icing, sprinkling the glitter, cutting little hearts and gold coins and chocolate bars out of marzipan, decorating the cupcakes with symbols of men, money and chocolate. They were little pieces of perfection and Ben hoped, more desperately than he’d ever hoped for anything in his life, that two hundred people would show up to eat them.

  They both looked up, necks practically snapping out of their sockets, as the bell above the door tinkled and in walked Alice and her boyfriend. Ben whispered a small prayer of thanks and hoped the next time the door opened it would be twenty people walking through, not just two.

  In the end the night was a glorious success. Beyond even Ben’s wildest dreams. Well over two hundred people had shown up. All the cupcakes had been eaten, all the champagne finished, all the books signed and sold. At the end of the evening, when every guest had staggered out, full of cake, wine and words, Lily had declared it the best, by far the most beautiful and brilliant, book launch of any book she’d ever published.

  As Ben finally locked the door, and May slid to the floor with a beatific smile fixed to her face, they looked at each other.

  ‘I only wish Faith could have come,’ May said. ‘I miss her. I’d have loved her to be here. But other than that it was a most perfect night.’

  ‘I hope I can meet her one day, this wonderfully kooky cousin of yours,’ Ben said. ‘I guess we’ll have to wait a little while until we’ve got a bit more cash. When your book’s a bestseller you can fly us over to jolly old England first class and I can meet your whole family.’

  ‘I wouldn’t hold your breath.’ May laughed. ‘I think there’s about as much chance of that as Faith becoming the first millionaire astrologer-psychic-modern dancer in England.’

  Ben smiled ‘Well, we’ll see about that. But this wasn’t a bad show, was it?’

  ‘Not bad at all.’ May sighed happily. ‘Those books, all those women. I might just be able to make a difference in the world after all.’

  ‘Yes,’ Ben said, ‘that’s lovely, but don’t forget about you and me while you’re out there saving the world.’

  ‘Of course not.’ May started scattering Ben with little kisses. ‘I could never forget about you – you’re the loveliest, most special, beautiful, wonderful, most precious person in my life.’

  In that moment Ben felt such a surge of joy and love in his heart that he couldn’t contain it. At least that was the only way he could explain what happened next.

  ‘Do you want kids?’ he asked suddenly, softly, with such desire in his words it was clear that he wanted them right now this minute, if at all possible.

  ‘What?’ May stared at him, shocked.

  Ben hesitated. He stepped back. He’d been wrong. He’d misread her signals. It was too soon for this subject. He’d scared her off. He quickly wracked his brains for a seamless shift into another topic of conversation.

  ‘I, um, I… I don’t know,’ he mumbled. ‘I meant to say, I… would you like to dance?’

  May smiled and nodded, relieved, not knowing what she would have said otherwise. Ben stood, reached for May’s hand and pulled her to her feet. He held her close to his chest and stroked the silk of her dress. Slowly he started to move and hum the words of their song. She smiled up at him, happy to be in his arms, exhausted and glad he was holding her up. Ben touched his lips to the top of her head and told himself that if he just kept holding her then everything was going to be all right.

  FORGIVENESS

  ‘I’m going to be on TV, I’m going to be on TV!’ May shouted, running through the bookshop, reaching Ben, unpacking boxes of books in the back. ‘Can you believe it? I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it!’

  ‘That’s fantastic, love, really fantastic,’ Ben said, still unpacking.

  May stopped and looked at him. ‘Didn’t you hear what I said?’

  ‘I think,’ he replied, meeting her eyes, ‘everyone in a five-block radius did.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ May frowned. ‘Shouldn’t I be excited? Isn’t it amazing news? I don’t understand why you aren’t happy for me.’

  ‘It is amazing and I am happy for you,’ Ben said, though he didn’t really sound it. ‘So when’s the show?’

  ‘In two weeks. Lily called some producers ages ago and they’ve suddenly got an opening in three weeks’ time. The programme is about women who’ve followed their dreams at all costs and made them come true. Loads of people will be watching. It’s a great opportunity to get the word out, to tell so many women about the book, to h
elp give them the courage and inspiration to follow their own dreams. Just think about it; I can really do some good. It’s totally wonderful!’

  ‘Yes,’ Ben agreed. ‘It really is.’

  May frowned at him again. ‘What’s wrong?’

  But this time it was Ben who wasn’t brave enough to be honest. How could he say he was jealous? It sounded so unreasonable. He was proud of May, that she was realising her dreams, pursuing her passions. He was touched that she cared so deeply about helping other women who were going through what she’d suffered. But all that didn’t stop him wishing May would give him a little more time and attention. Since the book launch, she’d been in such demand that they’d hardly been out together in weeks. Women came looking for her at the shop, spending hours telling her their problems and seeking advice. To reach more people May had increased her evening gatherings to four nights a week. She received endless amounts of emails that she stayed up long into the night answering. They hadn’t made love in quite a while. But, feeling it was not fair of him to complain, sadly Ben decided to say nothing.

  ‘I’m fine.’ Ben smiled. ‘Really, I am. I’m very happy. It’s great.’

  May kissed him. ‘Okay, that’s good. I’m glad.’ Of course she could tell he wasn’t, not really. For a start, the smile hadn’t reached his eyes. But she didn’t know what to do about it and, truthfully, didn’t want him to bring her down. So sadly May didn’t say anything either.

  Two days later, as preparations for the TV show were fully underway, with May practising what she’d say in front of the mirror for hours on end, Ben had persuaded her to sit down for a quick dinner. And all through it he tried to suppress the knots of fear and frustration twisting inside his belly. But it was no good. He couldn’t eat and he could barely look May in the eye.

  ‘What’s going on?’ May finally sighed, unable to ignore it any longer. ‘What’s wrong? What have I done? And don’t tell me “nothing”.’