Moonlight and Ashes

by Rosie Goodwin

  The train finally lurched to a standstill, and somehow Maggie managed to roll the wheelchair along the narrow corridor to the door. The platform was misty with smoke from the engine as she clambered down, dragging their cases behind her. She then turned to lift the wheelchair with the help of a friendly porter who had seen her struggling.

  ‘Thank you very much.’ After delving into her purse, she slipped some coins into his hand, then peered along the length of the platform. It was then she heard a familiar voice and her heart began to sing.

  ‘Mammy!’

  Spinning around, she saw Lizzie pounding towards her, her beautiful hair flying behind her like a golden cloud. And then she was in her mam’s arms and they were laughing and crying all at the same time. Within seconds, she had disentangled herself from Maggie and flung herself at her brother, almost climbing into the wheelchair with him in her excitement. Maggie felt tears prick at the back of her eyes. She had wondered how Lizzie would cope with seeing her brother in a wheelchair, but she needn’t have worried. He was still her brother, and the fact that he no longer had any legs had done nothing to change that.

  ‘Hello, Maggie.’

  Turning quickly, she now found herself looking up into Eric’s face. His eye-patch was gone, and somehow the scars on his face looked nowhere near as disfiguring as she had once thought them to be.

  He touched his face self-consciously. ‘I er . . . decided not to wear the eye-patch any more,’ he told her. ‘Lizzie said it frightened her.’

  Suddenly shy, she held her hand out to him. All the way there on the train she’d rehearsed what she would say to him, but now the words died on her lips. She wanted to fling herself into his arms and tell him how much she’d missed him, but she knew that she mustn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to compromise him when he’d done so much for them all already.

  Sensing her embarrassment, he turned his attention to Danny.

  ‘So - how are we feeling then?’ His obvious delight at seeing him brought an answering smile from Danny.

  ‘I’m all right,’ he replied with a cheeky grin. ‘All ready fer me next art lesson now.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear it.’ Eric ruffled his hair affectionately before bending to lift the cases. ‘Let’s get cracking then, shall we? Lizzie and I have done you a nice dinner all ready for when we get home.’

  Lizzie grasped the handles of the wheelchair and hurried after Eric. Maggie could hardly take her eyes off the child. She’d put on a little weight and her cheeks were glowing, due to the combination of fresh air and good food she had received. Suddenly she felt guilty. Beryl and David had ensured that she left Coventry with some money in her pocket, but it wouldn’t last for long and she couldn’t expect Eric to house and feed them all for nothing. Her pride would not allow it. Perhaps there might be a part-time job she could do somewhere whilst the children were at school - when Danny was fit enough to return to school, that was.

  She promised herself that as soon as the children had settled in she would talk to Eric about it. At least then he would know that she wasn’t intending to take advantage of him just because of what had happened between them.

  Outside the station, Eric lifted Danny and gently placed him on the back seat of the car with Lizzie, then folding his wheelchair up, he put it in the back with the cases before opening the front passenger door for Maggie.

  ‘Ma’am.’ There was a twinkle in his eye as Maggie shyly squeezed past him.

  All the way back to Tremarfon the car was filled with the excited chatter of the children, which was just as well, for Maggie was struck dumb, and was already wondering if this had been such a good idea, after all. It briefly crossed her mind that she might be able to find somewhere in Wales for her and the children to live until after the war was over - if she could find a job, that was. But then, how would Danny cope with her at work? He now needed a fair amount of help with even ordinary everyday things.

  All the way back she pondered on her situation until at last, Eric drove into Sarn-Bach. Danny suddenly fell silent as they drove past the house where Sparky had lived. Maggie had been forced to tell Danny what had happened to him. Just thinking back to it now made her eyes well with tears.

  Lizzie squeezed his hand, feeling his pain as she always did. ‘Try not to get upset,’ she told him softly. ‘Sparky probably saved my life an’ Eric says he was a hero.’

  Danny nodded, but his chin sank to his chest as he thought about his little friend. At last they turned up the lane that would lead to home and Danny gazed at Derwen Deg as they passed it. He missed Soho Gus more than he could say, and yet he still felt as if he were somehow close.

  ‘He came to see me when I were lyin’ in the hospital, yer know,’ he told Lizzie. ‘I hardly knew what day it was, or where I was, fer that matter, but Gus soon put me straight. “Pull yerself together an’ get on wi’ things,” he told me. I were feelin’ really sorry fer meself ’cos me legs had gone, but it’s like he said: “Yer’ve still got yer arms, ain’t yer?” That got me to thinkin’. At least I’m still here, ain’t I? An’ then Mam came back an’ I knew things were goin’ to work out all right. When me stumps have healed a bit they reckon they can make me some pro . . . prosth . . . Oh, I can’t remember the posh name, but it means pretend legs. Yer can learn to walk again an’ everythin’ on ’em.’

  Lizzie gazed at him admiringly. In her eyes, Danny was a hero too. But then he always had been, and nothing would ever change that.

  The car slithered on up the slippery slope and then at last there was Tremarfon. Maggie experienced a strange sense of home coming as Eric drew the car to a halt and hurried around to the back of it to get Danny’s wheelchair out.

  Samson bounded out to meet them, almost knocking the small wheelchair over in his excitement when he saw Danny.

  ‘I shall have to get them legs fitted now, won’t I?’ he laughed. ‘So I can take Samson for a walk again.’

  When they entered the kitchen, Maggie gasped with surprise. Bright scatter rugs covered the floor, and pretty cushions were arranged on the chairs and the settee. There were shiny brass candlesticks on the mantelshelf and a bowl of marigolds standing in pride of place in the middle of the table.

  ‘Why, it looks lovely,’ she gasped.

  Lizzie giggled. ‘Soon as Eric knew you were coming home, he said he thought we ought to make the place a bit more homely, so we went shopping. I helped him to choose everything. Do you like it, Mam?’

  ‘I love it,’ Maggie declared, then turning to Eric she told him, ‘Thank you.’

  He shrugged as he dropped the suitcases onto the floor, and Danny wheeled himself across to stroke Hemily.

  ‘The place was overdue for a bit of refurbishment,’ he mumbled, then scurried away to put the kettle on as Maggie stood gazing around at his handiwork.

  Danny winked at Lizzie and she giggled as she too stroked the huge fat cat asleep in the armchair. From now on, things were going to get better - the twins were sure of it.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  They had been back at Tremarfon for three days and things were beginning to fall into a pattern. Lizzie had returned to the village school, but Maggie didn’t yet feel that Danny was ready for it, so he got to stay at home with her as they began to plan Christmas, which was only weeks away now.

  ‘Can we have a Christmas tree?’ Danny asked Eric one night as they all sat at the table having sausage and mash, with tapioca and homemade strawberry jam to follow.

  ‘I certainly can’t see any reason why we shouldn’t,’ Eric replied. ‘Although I have to admit I’ve never had one here before.’

  Danny smiled with satisfaction as he gazed across at his painting. He’d finished it earlier in the day, and Eric had promised to take it into a shop in Pwllheli to get it framed for him so that he could give it to his mother for Christmas.

  He loved being back at Tremarfon. The only thing he didn’t love was the way Eric and his mother were behaving towards each other - as if they were polite strange
rs. He’d remarked on it to Lizzie the night before as they were lying in bed and she’d agreed with him.

  ‘What do yer reckon is up with ’em?’

  Lizzie pursed her lips. ‘I ain’t got a clue. They seemed to get on really well when she came here the last time.’ Suddenly leaning up on her elbow, she now asked him, ‘Danny, what’s it feel like to have no legs?’

  Danny frowned as he thought how best to answer her. ‘It’s strange really,’ he told her eventually. ‘What I mean is, apart from the fact I can’t get about like I used to, it don’t feel no different now that the pain’s gone. In fact, sometimes I think they’re feelin’ itchy but when I lean down to scratch ’em they ain’t there any more.’

  Content with his explanation, Lizzie’s thoughts moved on. Smiling dreamily, she gazed beyond the window at the wind whispering through the trees. ‘Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could stay here forever?’

  ‘What . . . like a real family, do yer mean?’

  Lizzie nodded in the darkness. ‘Yes. We ain’t got nothing to go back to Coventry for now, have we? We ain’t even got a house there. An’ Gran won’t have room for us, with Jo and David living there now. An’ Jo will have a baby soon.’

  ‘I hadn’t thought of that,’ Danny sighed, but then he brightened again. ‘Let’s not worry about it fer now, eh? Yer know what Soho Gus told me. Everythin’ ’appens fer a reason.’

  Sighing with contentment, Lizzie nestled down into the warm bed, and very soon both of them were fast asleep.

  Downstairs in the kitchen, the atmosphere was nowhere near as relaxed as Maggie wondered how to approach what she wanted to say to Eric. He was sitting reading the newspaper in the chair at the side of the fire, with Hemily on his lap and Samson curled up at his feet.

  Lifting her knitting, she went and sat in the opposite chair to him, then tentatively she asked, ‘Eric, I was wondering - could I have a chat to you about something?’ The knitting needles clicked furiously as her nerves ran out of control.

  Laying the paper down he gave her his full attention. ‘Of course. What’s troubling you?’

  ‘Well, there’s nothing troubling me exactly. It’s just that I’m very aware that you’re now keeping the three of us, and it doesn’t feel right.’

  ‘Oh, I see. So what are you saying then? That you’ll soon be shooting off back to Coventry?’

  Her mouth dropped open in astonishment. ‘No, of course that’s not what I was going to say at all! I wouldn’t dream of leaving Danny as he is, or Lizzie for that matter. What I was going to say was that I’ve been thinking of getting a job and I wondered if you might know of any going?’

  She thought she detected a look of relief cross his face, but it was so fleeting that she assumed she must have imagined it.

  Steepling his fingers, he stared thoughtfully into the flames of the fire, as she rushed on, ‘I know it would mean putting a lot more work on to you, what with having to help Danny and everything. But at least I could pay our way then, and I would do my share of the work when I got home,’ she added hastily.

  ‘Don’t you think you do more than enough already?’ He was looking at her now, and her stomach was churning as it always did when she was close to him.

  ‘What you have to remember is, I already get paid a small amount for looking after evacuees. And you . . . well, just look at the difference you’ve made to this place! I’ve hardly lifted a finger since you came back. Maggie, you don’t owe me a single penny. I should be paying you actually for taking such good care of the place. Unless you need some money to get back to David in Coventry, that is?’

  So that was it. Tears of humiliation stung at the back of her eyes. He was trying to get rid of her and using David as the excuse. Well, she certainly wouldn’t enlighten him to the fact that David was now a married man. Let him stew. Why couldn’t he just be man enough to tell her that what had happened between them had been a mistake?

  ‘I have absolutely no intention of going back to Coventry until the war is over,’ she told him primly. ‘And now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll get an early night.’

  The following morning as they all sat at the table having breakfast, Eric asked Danny, ‘Do you fancy coming into Pwllheli with me for a ride today? I thought we could drop your painting off at the picture-framer and do a bit of Christmas shopping. Lizzie, you can come as well if you like.’

  Both the small heads nodded eagerly as Maggie stared fixedly at her plate. She would have liked to go too. Christmas was getting uncomfortably close and as yet she hadn’t bought so much as a single gift. She wouldn’t ask him if she could go with them, though. Instead she rose and began to clear the dirty pots from the table, letting them clatter into the sink to relieve her frustration.

  Damn and blast Eric! Why didn’t he just ask her to leave, if that was what he wanted? Perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to move back to Coventry, after all? The twins glanced at each other apprehensively as they picked up on their mam’s mood. She was slamming about with a face like a bulldog sucking on a wasp, though they had no idea why.

  Half an hour later, they were all ready to go. Maggie walked to the car with them while Eric packed Danny’s wheelchair and his painting in the back.

  ‘Have a good day then,’ she told them, forcing a smile to her face as she leaned through the car window to kiss them goodbye. ‘Eric, drive carefully, won’t you?’

  ‘Of course I will,’ he told her shortly as he clambered into the driver’s seat. He started the engine and then they were off and the children were waving furiously to Maggie as the car started the downhill slide. She watched until they were out of sight, then shuddering, she drew her cardigan more tightly about her and hurried back into the house. A few downpours of rain had shifted much of the snow that had been lying, but now it was muddy slush underfoot. Shutting the kitchen door firmly behind her, she rushed over to the fire and held her hands out to the dancing flames.

  ‘Bloody men!’ she muttered.

  The children were highly excited when they got home late that afternoon, and Lizzie shot off up the stairs with two parcels gripped under her arm.

  Danny grinned at her innocently. ‘Just a couple o’ things we picked up fer Christmas,’ he told her as he saw the question in her eyes.

  Eric winked at her as if to say, ‘Ask no questions,’ so she hurried away to put the kettle on instead.

  When Lizzie reappeared, Maggie nodded at an envelope propped up on the mantelpiece. ‘A letter came for you two today. It looks like it’s from your gran.’

  Lizzie handed it to Danny. ‘Go on, you read it out to me,’ she told him eagerly.

  Danny slit it open with his thumb, and as he withdrew the sheet of paper inside, two ten-shilling notes fluttered to the ground. Whooping with delight, Lizzie pounced on them and told him, ‘Well, go on then.’

  Slowly he began: ‘Dear Lizzie and Danny, I hope this letter finds you both well and looking forward to Christmas. I have put some money inside for both of you, as it’s unlikely that I shall see you. Buy yourselves something nice with it from me. I hope you are both settling down there and behaving yourselves for your mam. Everything is fine here. Jo is getting bigger every single day and she and your Uncle David can hardly wait for the baby to come now . . .’

  Danny continued to read the letter aloud as Maggie glanced across at Eric. He was frowning and his eyebrows had disappeared into his hairline. He looked at her as if for an explanation, but she merely looked away. Let him think what he liked. It would serve him right for jumping to conclusions.

  As she laid the tea on the table he was unnaturally quiet, though the twins more than made up for it with their excited chatter. They’d spent a wonderful day in town and then come home to a letter from their gran, which was the icing on the cake. On top of that, they now had ten whole shillings each to spend on anything at all they liked!

  The mood was light as they shot ideas as to just what they should spend it on across the table at each other.
r />   ‘Why don’t you save it?’ Eric suggested.

  Maggie laughed. ‘You must be joking. It would burn a hole in their pockets.’

  ‘We could buy a little present for the baby when it comes from both of us, with some of it,’ Danny suggested through a mouthful of homemade bread and jam.

  Lizzie pondered. ‘Wouldn’t it be better to wait till it’s born? That way we could buy it something pink or blue,’ she pointed out.

  Danny shrugged. ‘I reckon I’ll leave that to you then. I ain’t much good when it comes to baby things.’ His eyes grew dark as a picture of Lucy flashed in front of his eyes. He still missed his baby sister every single day. Maggie saw the look and her heart ached too. There was a great hole inside her that no one could fill since she had lost Lucy and her mother, but she knew that she had to go on for the twins’ sake. They’d all been through so very much, but they still had each other and that was what kept her going.

  Suddenly the mood had changed and silence hung over them.

  Sensing their sadness, Eric suddenly asked, ‘So why is your Uncle David so excited about Jo’s baby then?’ He’d been longing to ask ever since Danny had read his gran’s letter aloud. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t, but now his curiosity had got the better of him and it was too late to take the question back.

  ‘’Cos it’s their first baby, I suppose,’ Danny told him. ‘They kept talkin’ about what they might call it when it was born, after the weddin’. Didn’t they, Mam?’

  Maggie felt her cheeks burning as Eric scratched his head in confusion.

  ‘After whose wedding?’

  ‘Their weddin’, o’ course,’ Danny grinned. ‘They’re livin’ wi’ me gran fer now but once the baby’s born an’ the war’s over they’re goin’ to get somewhere of their own to live.’

  Eric looked totally shocked and stared at Maggie as if for confirmation of what Danny had said.