A Life Less Broken

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Because tomorrow morning, you’ll need me.”

  Dominic has stayed with me twice before, and right from the start it’s always felt right. I’ve never thought of him as intruding or trying to encroach on my space.

  He’s perfect, just as he is.

  “I’m going to bed then. Good night,” I say as I move around to check all the doors, windows, and the security system.

  “Good night.”

  I go upstairs and after a quick shower, I fall into bed, exhausted from the day.

  But my mind doesn’t switch off.

  Tomorrow, I’m going to face one of my colossal fears. Two of them, actually. I’m going to leave my house for the first time in nearly three years. And I’m going back to my own personal ground zero.

  I toss and turn, willing my mind to stop thinking. But it keeps going, full steam ahead.

  The seconds tick past.

  I get up and start pacing quietly around my room.

  The moments blend into each other, unnoticed.

  I try to calm my mind by looking out my window at the moonless, dark night.

  Nothing is working; nothing can ease my dread.

  “Allyn,” Dominic says quietly from the other side of the door.

  “Come in,” I call.

  He opens the door and is standing in sleep pants and a t-shirt. He must have brought clothes with him. His hair is ruffled and he looks tired.

  “Did I wake you? I’m sorry,” I say to him.

  “You didn’t wake me. I couldn’t sleep. And I heard you walking around. You need to get some sleep.”

  I look out at the blackened night sky and remain silent.

  “Allyn, what’s happening?”

  His footsteps come closer, stopping just behind me. I close my eyes, secretly willing him to fold me in his arms.

  I desperately want him to reassure me that I’ll be okay.

  I need his warmth now, stronger than any need I’ve ever known before. I want his intensity to take me over and never let me go.

  “Dominic,” I whisper, knowing he’ll hear me.

  “What can I do for you?” I feel him standing right behind me.

  “I need to feel something more than the pain.”

  His hand rests on my hip. I place my hand over his and mesh our fingers together.

  So good.

  His other hand moves across my belly, resting over my navel.

  He takes a step toward me, and I can feel his entire front pressed snugly against my back. As I lean my head back on his chest, Dominic leans his forehead down against me.

  Perfection.

  We stand, exquisitely tangled, as the night moves on.

  “I need sleep, but I don’t want to be alone,” I say in a soft voice.

  “I’ll sleep on the chair.”

  “Dominic,” I begin as I turn in his arms, “Could you please let me try sleeping with you in my bed?”

  Dominic closes his eyes and pain flickers across his face. “Come on, sweetheart.” He leads me over to the bed, slides in, and opens his arms for me. Slowly, with a racing heart, I follow him to lie in the space he’s made for me.

  He closes his arms around me and we lie facing each other, chest to chest.

  I snuggle closer and he tightens his protective circle around me.

  My mouth is at the base of his throat and I can’t help but press the smallest, lightest kiss to his smooth neck.

  “Allyn,” he says in a strangled voice.

  I don’t say anything, I imagine that he must be feeling the same as I am, or he wouldn’t be in my bed with me right now. It’s a lovely fantasy.

  Moments pass as we lie together.

  “I wasn’t very sexually active before I was raped,” I approach the subject because soon I’ll have to tell him. I had only had sex with one person before that day.

  “It doesn’t matter what you did before, it only matters who you are now.”

  Dominic strokes a hand over my hair.

  “You need to know.” I move back to look up at him.

  “No I don’t, Allyn. The woman lying in my arms is the only person I care for, not any past version of her.”

  “One day though–“ Dominic cuts me off.

  “We’ll talk about it then, but for now I want you just the way you are, here in my arms.” He leans down and presses a tender kiss on my forehead, and against my skin, he whispers, “Goodnight, Allyn.”

  “Thank you.”

  I close my eyes and calm fills me as I drift off to sleep.

  Chapter 18

  Dominic

  I wake with Allyn’s leg draped over my hip, her arm over my waist and her groin dangerously close to my morning wood.

  Damn it to hell and beyond.

  My erection isn’t going to go down with Allyn’s body so close to me. I try to get out of bed, but Allyn emits a cute moan and moves closer to me.

  Fuck.

  As much as I want her – and I do – I know I can’t have her.

  Yet.

  Today is going to be very difficult for her, and she needs me with her as her doctor, not as the horny guy thinking about all the things I want to do with her.

  “Hey,” she says as she moves her leg away, but nuzzles in closer to me.

  Damn it cock, go down! I mentally yell at myself.

  The way Allyn is lying, she can undoubtedly feel my erection against her leg. God, she feels so good. She moves her leg just a little and I close my eyes for a split second, imagining it’s her soft, small hand touching my cock. Maybe she would even grip it tight and slide her hand up and down as her tongue licks the slit, collecting the pre-cum beading at the tip.

  Fuck, she feels so good.

  “Dominic,” she says, startling me out of my damn fantasy.

  “Yeah.” I reach under the covers and pinch my stomach, focusing on the pain there and not on my hard cock.

  “Thank you for last night. I needed that.” She leans up and kisses my cheek, then leaves the bed.

  “You’re welcome.” They aren’t the words I want to say to her. I want to say, ‘Damn it, Allyn. I’ve wanted to hold you for so long, to kiss you and make love to you.’ But I can’t tell her those things, because she’s not ready to hear them.

  She leaves the room and heads downstairs, I assume to make us coffee. And I will my cock into submission.

  “Are you ready?” I ask Allyn as she nervously paces in the foyer.

  “I don’t think I can ever be ready for this, Dominic.”

  “You can do this. Just take one step.” I hold the screen door open for her as she attempts to step outside, but she quickly retracts her foot.

  “I can’t,” she says in frustration. She’s deathly pale, and I can see her hands tremble as she wrings them together.

  “Tell me about Mr. Boss. What color is he?” I ask her. I can see that the mention of the horse she rode for her tenth birthday, the one her mother said she was too small to climb up, instantly distracts her.

  “He’s dark brown, but his ears are black,” she says as she stands just inside the opened doors looking out across the street.

  “Would you ever want to ride him again?”

  Her eyes sparkle and her lips turn up at the corners as thoughts of Mr. Boss replace her fear.

  “Oh yes, I’d love to ride again,” she says as she steps toward the threshold.

  I reach for her hand and she takes mine without even thinking.

  “How about one day I take you? I’d love to meet Mr. Boss.” I close the door behind her and take the keys from her clenched hand to lock the house.

  “You want to come riding with me?” We take the two steps down off her porch.

  “Of course, Allyn. I’d love to do a lot of things with you.” We start walking toward my car.

  “I’m outside, Dominic. And I’m alright, you don’t have to keep distracting me,” she says in astonishment as we reach my car.

  I open her door and wait until she’s inside and has her seat bel
t on before closing it and jogging around to my side.

  When I get in, I look at Allyn who’s pursing her lips together and trying hard not to lose control. Her hands are still wringing together, her eyebrows are furrowed tight, and her eyes are narrowed to small slits. She’s holding on with everything she’s got, and I’m afraid it’ll only be a matter of time before she loses her grip and completely crumbles.

  But I want – no, need – to be the one who wipes her tears, who holds her hand, and who sees her through it.

  No one else, just me.

  I take her hand in mine and entangle our fingers as we drive to the pond where she was found.

  We arrive twenty minutes later.

  There are no other cars in the parking lot, so I assume we’re the only ones here.

  Allyn’s fingers tighten around mine and I can feel her hand has become clammy. She must be struggling so hard. A wave of pride swells inside me at the courage she’s showing.

  Her breathing is rapid and she’s chewing on her bottom lip with so much force I’m afraid she’s going to draw blood.

  “Are you alright?”

  She simply nods without saying a word or letting go of my hand.

  I sit in the car patiently, waiting to get my lead from her. Allyn’s wearing a gray, long-sleeved pullover falling slightly off one shoulder, exposing her perfect, broken skin. I let go of her hand, get out of the car and walk around to her side, opening the door as I extend my hand to her.

  Allyn looks at my hand and tears well up in her stormy gray eyes. She’s not coping well with this, but I can’t let her slide back into her broken life.

  She means too much to me to let her slip away.

  “Allyn, you can do this,” I say in a low, gentle voice.

  “I can, can’t I?” She looks to me for approval. The fear is clearly visible in her face.

  “Take my hand, and we’ll do it together.”

  Allyn’s hand reaches for mine, but she pulls it back to rest on her thigh. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in through her nose.

  On her second deep breath I see a small shift in her appearance. She straightens her back and lifts her shoulders, raising her head to look out the windshield in front of her.

  “I need to see it,” she says with a renewed confidence as she places her soft hand in mine.

  I assist her out of the car and close the door. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pull her in against me, and we walk slowly toward where she was found.

  “It’s really very serene. There’s not a soul in sight except for us,” she says.

  The ground is covered in tall, green plants with the most exquisite purple and yellow flowers. They spread as far as the eye can see and as we walk through them, we create a trail that leads from the small parking area to the pond.

  The area is isolated, with tall, leafy trees protecting the privacy of those who do come here.

  When we reach the pond we’re still completely alone.

  Allyn stops walking thirty feet from the water’s edge. She’s breathing even more heavily, and now her whole body is trembling.

  She drops my hand and closes her eyes, but lifts her head toward the warm sun with her arms outstretched.

  “My world could’ve ended here, but I survived.” She drops her arms and she turns her head to look at me.

  “You’re so strong.”

  “I…I…” Allyn suddenly clasps at her chest. I can see how rapidly she’s breathing. “Why?!” she yells at me. “Why?!” she screams again, this time to the universe at large.

  I move toward her, but she holds her hand up to stop me before I can reach her.

  She starts pulling at her t-shirt like it’s made of fire and it’s burning her skin.

  “Why me? Why break me?”

  She takes her shoes off and throws them to the ground.

  “I want to understand, just tell me why I was chosen,” she screams toward the sky.

  Tears roll down her cheeks and I don’t think she even notices them.

  “I didn’t give you my soul to break, you took it and ruined me.” She unfastens her jeans and slips them down her legs.

  “You killed my dreams,” she cries through agonizing sobs.

  I don’t try and stop her. She needs to release her anger as the next step in her healing.

  “You took all my choices away!” she shouts up at the sun. “I’ve died a thousand times but you can never answer.”

  She rips her t-shirt over her head and is now standing in just her panties and bra.

  “Just let me understand why you did this to me.”

  She unfastens her bra and drops it with no care to the surrounding area.

  “I can never have children because of what you did to me.” And she takes off her panties.

  She turns to face me and I see her for the truly remarkable woman she is.

  “I’m broken and scarred. I’ve got nothing to offer you.” She falls to her knees and hides her face in her hands, in a true and raw cathartic stance.

  Allyn has finally broken and although she doesn’t understand it yet, she’s ready to move on.

  I realize suddenly that she’s my everything. Allyn’s scarred beauty eclipses anything I’ve ever known.

  I scoop up a handful of wildflowers and slowly walk to her.

  I kneel in front of her and lift her chin with my fingers. I kiss her forehead and wordlessly hand her the flowers.

  “They’re beautiful,” she says as she brings them up to her nose, brushing them over her tear-stained cheek.

  “No they aren’t, Allyn. They’re breathtaking, just like the woman holding them.”

  A halo of light shines around her, as her strawberry blonde hair is enriched by the rays of the sun. God is looking at her and smiling with all His warmth.

  Allyn will heal, and I’ll be right beside her, holding her hand for the entire journey. I can’t leave her now.

  “I’m covered with scars.” She looks down at her exposed body, then back to me. My gaze doesn’t falter; I keep looking at her eyes, clouded with pain.

  “I don’t see scars. I see a beautiful, strong, courageous woman who’s lived through hell, and who’s choosing to fight back.”

  “Look at my body, Dominic. It’s not attractive.” Her head falls to her chest and her shoulders slump forward.

  “Sweetheart, look at me,” I command gently, lifting her chin up. Her eyes find mine and I smile holding her gaze. “Your mind is magical. Your soul is pure and that’s what I’ve fallen for. I don’t give a damn about your scars; I want every part of you.” I run my hand down her cheek and she turns her head to kiss my palm.

  “You want me? As I am? But I can’t give you what you want.”

  “I’ll wait. There’s time. We’ll work on everything together, Allyn, because you’re a part of me just as I’m a part of you.”

  “You want me…and you’re willing to wait?” she asks with so much hope in her voice.

  I nod and kiss her forehead.

  “Can you take me home now please?”

  “Of course.” I scoop up her underwear, jeans, and t-shirt and hand them to her. I turn my back to give her the privacy she deserves while she dresses.

  As we begin walking back to my car, Allyn reaches for my hand.

  “I feel better,” she says with a small smile as I open her door. She slides into the passenger side and fastens her seat belt.

  Closing her door, I go to the driver’s side and get in. Allyn places her hand on my thigh as I drive and she looks out the window.

  “I think I’d like to go to that small Italian restaurant you were telling me about.”

  I nearly lose control of the car, because today has been so monumental for Allyn and me.

  “I’d be happy to take you out to dinner.”

  Fuck. My feelings for her hit me so forcefully that I want to pull over and tell her right now.

  Today has been so intense for her, so liberating that I don’t want to add more inte
nsity right now.

  But in this very moment I know: I love her.

  With every fiber of my being, with everything that I am, I love her.

  When we get to her house, she continues to hold my hand as we walk up the path to her front door.

  She opens the doors and turns the alarm off as we step inside.

  But for the first time since I’ve known her, Allyn does something that positively stuns me.

  She locks the screen door, but leaves the heavy wooden door open and walks away.

  She opened the fucking door…and this time she left it open.

  Chapter 19

  “Will you stay with me tonight?” I ask Dominic as we eat dinner.

  “If that’s what you want, then of course I’ll stay.” He takes a bite of the pizza he ordered for us.

  “Today was such a challenge for me. I didn’t know how I was going to react when I got to the pond, and then there’s you,” I say shyly, not really wanting to let this subject go but not knowing how to approach it, either.

  “What about me?” Dominic puts his pizza down and takes a drink of his soda.

  “You like me the way I am, even though there are so many things wrong with me. I’m not beautiful; my body is marked and ruined. I’d never be able to give you children if you wanted any, and I don’t even know how long it will take before you and I can try to be together…that way.”

  He sits up straight and takes a deep breath. Maybe I’ve spoken too soon.

  “Allyn, I need to tell you about Chelsea. She’s my soon-to-be ex-wife,” Dominic says as he sits back in his chair. “She deceived me. Things weren’t good between us, and she knew how much I wanted a child. So she pretended to be pregnant. She even bought a fake belly, which is ridiculous. She wouldn’t let me go to the first ultrasound appointment with her. I found out later she lied to me.”

  I gasp completely horrified that someone could do something so cruel. If she didn’t want a child she should’ve told him. But I can’t really judge her; I only know what Dominic’s telling me.

  “Why would she do that?” I ask him.

  “Because I have money and she wanted it, so she pretended.”

  “How exactly did she plan on carrying on with a fake pregnancy for nine months? There would have come a time when she would have to go into labor and deliver a baby.”