Forgiven (This)

by J. B. McGee

  “Oh.” She retracts her hand and looks down.

  “I don’t want to upset you, but I have to ask. Have you called Ian?” Just the thought of him makes my blood boil. Saying his name repulses me.

  She shakes her head and says nothing.

  “I know you insist I’m the father, but I insist I’m not, which means that it would have to be him, right?”

  She looks up to me and she’s continuously shaking her head. “I don’t know. I promise, I don’t.” A tear trickles down her face. “I know you think that I’m just making this up to try to trap you or something. I know you think I’m a horrible person, but I’m not.”

  I glance away. “I don’t know what to think about you.”

  “I’ll tell you what happened, but I don’t know that you will believe a word I say at this point.”

  I pop my head up and give her an expectant look. “Yeah, I’d love to know what the hell happened.”

  She gulps. “You left to go to the wedding.”

  “Right.”

  “That weekend I wasn’t feeling well, but I went out anyway.”

  “Joe’s?”

  “Uh huh. I had too much to drink. I met Ian. He was...like I said before. He was kind, caring, compassionate...”

  “Ugh. You can spare me those details.” The less I can hear about the prick the better.

  “Anyway, we went home together. The next morning I woke up violently ill. He took care of me, took me to the doctor, and made sure I was okay afterwards.” Her eyes wander around the room and then back to mine. “I really felt bad afterwards. I was so confused. I wanted you, but I can’t describe the connection I felt towards him.”

  “Keep going, that is if you feel okay and this isn’t stressing you too much.”

  “No, I think it’s a ton of bricks being lifted off of my shoulders, honestly.”

  “Yeah, I can see where that would be true.”

  She closes her eyes and then picks up the water jug and takes a long gulp. She doesn’t put it back, but rather places it on the bed beside her. “I couldn’t get in touch with you. Ian continued to take care of me. Things were great...until I found out I was pregnant.”

  “Let me guess? The irresponsible ass suddenly wasn’t as charming as he had been?” He makes me fuming mad. I didn’t even love Veronica, but I don’t think I would care what woman it was. I know how badly he hurt Gabby and I can’t stand the thought of him doing that to other people I do care about.

  Nodding, she says, “He just flipped out and ran away.” A tear trickles down her face. “Then I was all alone. I thought for a long time I could do it by myself, but then I got scared the closer the time came.”

  “So you thought that you could just tell me it was mine and I’d believe you...that we’d just all the sudden be a happy family?” I narrow my eyes. Part of this situation infuriates me. The other part of it realizes I’m not sure I can blame her. “If you and Ian weren’t talking because he ran away, then why did he show up at Gabby’s the day you showed up at my apartment? How did you two figure this out?”

  “It’s not what you think.”

  “Then tell me what it is because you have to realize how bad this looks.”

  “I do.” She looks up at the ceiling. “When I left your apartment, he had been outside waiting on me. He’d followed me to your place. I only knew of Gabby from what I’d heard and seen around town. He wanted to know what I was doing there with her. I explained to him what was going on, and he begged me to give him another chance.”

  “And...”

  “I told him no.”

  “No because you thought you could get me back?”

  “Because I don’t know who the father is, and if I have to pick, then I pick you.”

  “I’m not available for you to pick...” Keep your cool. The last thing you need is to blow up on her and cause trouble to the baby. You’re getting answers. Keep your cool. I close my eyes and take a cleansing breath. “You don’t get to pick who is the father of your child by process of elimination. It doesn’t work that way.”

  “I know that now. I’m so sorry.”

  “You keep saying you’re sorry, but you called me and didn’t call him.”

  “Bradley, you and I have far more history. Even if we’re not together, you know me well. You are a comfort to me. I would have called you regardless.”

  “Is that so?”

  She nods. “Yes.”

  “So Ian and Gabby. Did you know he was going to her after you left my apartment?”

  “No. I swear I didn’t. He just asked me if I loved you, and I told him I did. He told me he wanted me to be happy. Promised he’d take care of everything so I could be with you.”

  “Little fucker!” I shoot out of my seat and walk to the bathroom. Calm down. Calm down. Count to ten. I flick the faucet handle and splash cool water on my face. Bracing the sink, I lean into the mirror. I look like absolute shit. I grab a paper towel and dry my face and walk back out to the room. “I’m sorry about that. So basically he thought he could have her and you could have me, and we’d all just be better off?”

  “I...yeah.” She shrugs. “I guess. He called me the next day. I didn’t answer. He left a bunch of messages on my machine saying he was sorry and how it had not worked. He said it just made him realize he wanted me even more.”

  “You know I was a dick to you, but you were never leftovers to me. That’s fucked up, Roni.”

  “He told me before I left your apartment, he loved me. I don’t think he went after Gabby because he wanted her. I think he did it because he wanted me to be happy. He has a tendency to make rash decisions, obviously.”

  “Well, I’d like to believe he has a few redeeming qualities, but from what I know of him, he’s scum of the earth.” I clench my fists.

  “I had a pregnancy test the Sunday he took me to the doctor. It was negative.”

  I sigh. Negative. “I thought you said you didn’t know who the father was?”

  “When I found out I was pregnant, I explained the situation. The doctor said there is no way to know. Just because it was negative that day, doesn’t mean it’s not yours.” She picks her jug back up and takes another sip. “I was given an antibiotic. It made my birth control not work. Sperm can live a long time. They said it’s hard to say at this point.”

  I slouch in my seat. “Unbelievable.”

  “I promise. You can ask my doctor yourself if you don’t believe me.”

  “No, I get it. You need to call Ian.” I can’t believe I am even recommending this, but she does. He deserves to know.

  “I don’t even know what to say to him. I’m so confused.” She throws her hands up in the air. “All of these pregnancy hormones. They’re driving me nuts.”

  “Do you love him?” I can tell by the way she talks about him that she at the very least cares for him.

  “I don’t know.”

  “I think you do.”

  “You think I know...” She cocks her head and squints her eyes. “Or you think I love him?”

  “I think you care about him. I think there’s a good chance you love him.”

  “I love you.”

  I look away. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For making you fall in love with me and not being able to reciprocate that.” I glance back over to her. “You need to call him.”

  “Okay. But what does that mean for you?”

  “Well, obviously I want the paternity test. That’s clearly not going to happen anytime soon. So until then, I’m just going to act as if this child is mine. I’ll come by every day and check on you. I want to be notified if something changes. I don’t want to miss my potential child’s birth. But I think Ian should be able to decide those things for himself. I don’t think it’s right to make him miss the birth of his potential child because you’re secretly hoping it’s mine.”

  “Ugh. You’re right.”

  “I wish I wasn’t. I wish this wasn’t happening, but
it is. We have to make the right decisions moving forward. It’s not just about us.”

  She nods, and a movement in the crack of the door catches my eye. There’s a small knock, and we both say to come in. I’m shocked to see it’s Gabby. I turn my head to the side. I wonder how long she’s been out there and what she’s heard. I look over to Veronica and put my pointer finger up to signal one minute. “I’ll be right back.”

  I tug Gabby back into the hall and pull her into an embrace, inhaling her scent. She freezes into place and drops the bags she’s holding. She slowly wraps her arms around my body. “Everything okay?” she whispers.

  I kiss her hair. “No. It’s an apeshit mess.”

  That makes her giggle. “I’m sorry.” She picks up the bags and hands them to me. “Your phone. It was going straight to voicemail.”

  “I should have known better than to think you’d be able to get through. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “You probably weren’t. It’s not like you have nothing on your mind.”

  I smile and chuckle. “You’re amazing. Thank you for the food.”

  “You’re welcome. Will you call me when you leave?”

  “I will. I won’t be much longer.”

  She nods. I can see disappointment in her eyes. I know she’s trying to be strong. I move the stray piece of hair to behind her ears. “Be careful on the way home.”

  She leans into my touch. “I will. UIOLYOEV.” She rattles that off so fast. It’s such a tongue teaser. I love it when she says it, though. She made it up one day as a way of telling me she loved me in public so we didn’t seem sappy and gross people out.

  I shake my head. “Ditto that.” I kiss her forehead and she turns on her heel and walks away.

  As I walk back out of the hospital, I know I can’t really blame Bradley for wanting to be there, but it was so hard to step into that building and peek into that room to see him with another woman, a pregnant woman. I’m already struggling with school. His mom is already drilling me with wedding planning. I mean, in a way I love that Holly has embraced me and we’re already so close, but on the other hand, I am so swamped with school. I’m finding it exceptionally hard to focus. To say I feel overwhelmed is putting it mildly.

  I unlock and open my car door, put my seat belt on and look over my shoulder to back up as I start the ignition and put it into gear. Time alone in the car may be just what I need to decompress my thoughts. I knew that this would be tough with Veronica, but I also thought that we’d be able to quickly check paternity and put it behind us. I briefly thought about what it would be like if the baby was really Bradley’s, but he was so sure it wasn’t that it was hard for me to consider anything other than it not being his. This entire situation seems to be unraveling and becoming more and more out of control by the day. I don’t know if it’s this, or a combination of things, but I have been really moody. I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it.

  I do love him. I can’t imagine being without him. I just wasn’t ready for all of this grown-up drama. I’m still in college, and I’m planning a wedding and dealing with a potential Baby Mama. There is just something wrong about that. I decide that now would be a good time to try to call Sam. That’s another thing. Being away from my two best friends, Sam and John, has been harder than I thought. It’s only been a week and I find that I’m almost home sick, but which home? Charleston or Columbia? And how can I be homesick when I know my home is wherever Bradley is?

  I dial Sam’s number. I need to try to talk to her if I can. Besides, she may be able to help me understand this whole placenta thing with Veronica. I press the voice command button on the touch screen of my phone. “Call Sam.”

  I am disappointed when it goes to voicemail. Even though I hate talking to machines or voicemails, I decide I’ll leave her a message. I smile as I listen to her bubbly voice saying, “Hi. It’s Sam. You know you wanna leave a message after the beep.”

  She’s been so busy with school that it’s been nearly impossible for us to find time to talk. I should have known that calling her during the day was a waste. I know that this message is directed to me. She knows I rarely leave a voicemail. “Sam. It’s me.” I pause a minute. I’m not good at talking to silence. “I was just missing my big sister. Are you going to be able to help me move this weekend?” A tear forms and escapes, falling down my cheek. “Just call me back when you get this. Love you.”

  I press the red square to end the call and swipe the tear. I don’t know why I’m so emotional all of the sudden. I reassure myself. Who wouldn’t be emotional with all of the life changes that have happened in the last week? I went from everything being peachy, to things being horrendous, back to beyond incredible, and now I feel like the rug is being slowly pulled out from underneath us again. To say it’s been a rollercoaster would be an epic understatement.

  I must have dozed off on the couch studying when I got home. When I squint my eyes open, I see my reflection through blazing blue eyes. My body is limp in the very capable arms of Bradley. He turns his head to the side a little and smiles. “Go back to sleep. Just moving you to the bed.”

  I want to talk to him. I want to look at him longer, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I nod and close them back. I’m in that awesome in between sleep. That sleep where you can hear and feel things, but you’re so tired you couldn’t care less about what they are saying or doing to you. He unbuttons my jeans and pulls them down and tosses them to the floor. Instead of taking my t-shirt off, he just simply pulls the duvet up and tucks me in while placing a soft kiss on my forehead. He grunts and whispers, “I love you so much.”

  I try to say it back, but I’m sure it comes out as a muffled mess before drifting back into a peaceful slumber.

  “Gabby.” Bradley nudges me. “Gabby, wake up.”

  I roll over into his hard body. His elbow is bent, and his head is supported in his hand. “Hmm? What are you doing awake?” He’s never awake before I leave to go to school. “I could get used to this, though.” I drink in his disheveled hair and exposed chest. I trace my finger over his sternum.

  His eyes are glittering with amusement and then he takes my finger in his hand, and I can see there’s something bothering him. “We need to talk before you go to school.”

  “‘Bout what?” I curiously ask.

  “Moving.”

  Oh. I don’t think I’m going to like this. I push myself up and lean back against the headboard. “Okay...”

  “I called Sam and John last night. They’re going to meet you at your apartment and help get everything packed into one of those Pods.”

  I narrow my eyes. “But you’re not coming, are you?”

  “I can’t leave, Gabby.” He drops his head. “I can’t be that far away if something happens.”

  I look away and bite my lip and proverbially bite my tongue. Nothing that comes out of my mouth right now will be nice, productive, or helpful to the situation. He reaches over and puts his hand on mine. “Look at me.” As much as I don’t want to do it because he’s told me to do it and for no other reason I do. I slowly turn my head and my eyes meet his. I have been so looking forward to moving this weekend. With him. “Please don’t be upset with me.”

  “I’m not upset with you. I’m disappointed.”

  “I knew you would be. It’s been killing me to know I have to tell you this.” I just sit there. I can’t say what I’m thinking. I can’t say that I feel like he’s choosing her over me because I know that is partially irrational. He’s choosing the baby over me, and I should be thankful because that shows how incredible of a father he is going to be, but a father to another woman’s child. I press my lips together and furrow my brows. Do I lie and say I understand? I don’t want to seem like I’m not being understanding or sympathetic. I don’t want to come across as crass. He moves his hand and caresses my cheek. “I’m sorry,” he gently breathes as his lips come closer to mine.

  I nod as I close my eyes. He urges me to release my lips as he brush
es his from side to side. I want to kiss him so badly, but I can’t just snap my fingers and turn my emotions off like that. My voice cracks. “This whole ordeal isn’t going to go away, is it?”

  He shakes his head and sighs. “It doesn’t appear that this is going to go away anytime soon, nor be easy or quick.” He kisses my forehead. “Please be patient with me, for me.”

  I glance up and lean into his palm. “I’m trying.”

  He pulls me forward and our foreheads are touching. “I know you are. Are we okay?”

  “We’re fine.” I give into my stubbornness and decide to kiss those delicious lips. “Mmm,” I hum. “I just was looking forward to being together this weekend.” He collapses down on the bed and raises his arm for me to snuggle into his side. “It’s funny because even though we’re living together I feel like we got to spend more quality time together before.”

  “It will get easier. This week hasn’t exactly been normal.”

  I shrug and roll my eyes. “True statement. What time is it?”

  His hands wander to the hem of my shirt and lifts it. “Time enough for us to enjoy our morning before you have to get ready.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Did I mention that I could get used to you waking up with me in the mornings?”

  He shifts onto his side and starts tracing the trail from my belly button up to my breasts with his tongue. “I think you might have.”

  “Ah.” I exhale as my eyes roll into the back of my head. “Mhmm. I did.”

  “Well if I can get to enjoy this with you every morning...”

  “What’s this?”

  He takes my bottom lip into his and sucks, then swirls his tongue around. When he releases, I peek at him. He points to me. “You.” Then he moves his finger back and forth between the space in between our bodies, which is small. “Us.”

  “Ah.” I smile. “I see.”

  “Gabby, we’re this. And it’s worth losing sleep over.”

  Gabby's been so different since the move. It's funny how I had thought that being closer would be easier, when in actuality, it has been far more difficult. I’m so frustrated with her. She's assured me it's just school and wedding stuff, but I can't shake the feeling that it's more than that.