Forgiven (This)

by J. B. McGee

  “Bradley.” She nods as she walks past me into the apartment. She’s cold. I’ve never known her to be so cold. “We’re supposed to be shopping for dresses this weekend, remember?”

  I roll my eyes and inhale deeply. No. Dress shopping hasn’t been on the top of my priority list. “Did you get my message?”

  “I did. Why do you think I’m here already? Where is she?”

  I point to the bedroom. “I think she’s still asleep, but I’m not sure.” I glance over to the mess on the couch. “I.” I point over to it. “Obviously, I didn’t sleep with her last night.”

  Sam never looks at me. She just walks right into the room. I walk behind her, but once she’s in she slams the door in my face, my bedroom door in my face. I drop my head and sulk back to the sofa and begin to fold the quilt. When I am done, I walk to the kitchen to start a large pot of coffee for all of us. I figure Sam may be awhile with Gabby, but no. I’m totally surprised when the door swings open and bounces off the door stopper. I start to say something, but then bite my tongue. I’m sure that anything I have to say will only act as fuel on the already raging fire that this situation has become.

  She takes long strides with her petite legs and makes it to the bar in front of me in mere seconds. She tosses her purse down on the stool and then comes around the side. I don’t have much time to react. She jabs her finger into my chest. “I told you not to tell her. What the hell were you thinking?” She tries to shove me and I let her as she starts to beat my chest. “I told you not to tell. I told you it would destroy her. You son of a bitch, what have you done?” She slowly collapses into my arms, and I bring them up to embrace her. She sobs into my chest. “What have you done?” She whimpers.

  “I’m sorry,” is all I can say. I rock her back and forth. “I’m so sorry.”

  She pushes off of my chest and wipes her tears as she narrows her eyes and swallows. “Call me if she starts talking again. I have to get out of here. I’ll cancel our appointment to shop for gowns.”

  I try to grab her arm. “Sam, wait.” But she wiggles loose.

  “No. I have to go,” she hisses as she walks out of the door.

  I can’t be near Bradley Banks right now. I never thought I’d see my sister in such a state again. It was far more difficult to watch than I anticipated. She wouldn’t look at me. She wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I can’t help her if she won’t let me in and know what she’s thinking.

  I try to call Ryan, but his phone goes straight to voice mail. He’s doing his surgical rotation, and it’s been impossible to get in touch with him lately. I miss him. I need him. I had planned to stay with him this weekend, but I am here earlier than we had planned. I don’t know where to go or what to do with myself. I just know that I don’t want to be alone. I need to talk to someone before these emotions and feelings cause me to explode.

  I’m just sitting in my car in the parking lot trying to think of where to go or who I can see. It’s not like I have a ton of friends in this town. I start the ignition, shift the car into drive and pull through the empty parking space in front of me. I start to drive around the city as if I’m on auto-pilot.

  It doesn’t take me long before I’m parked in front of Joe’s. It’s not like he’s here. It’s morning. It’s a weekend. I know from Ryan and Bradley that he fishes at the lake on Saturday’s. I put the car in park. Even if he’s not here, being close to this place is somehow comforting.

  I cross my hands over the steering wheel and rest my head on my hands. What a nightmare this is. I was relieved when Gabby had decided that she didn’t want to know about our childhood past. I was grateful that she seemed happy and was moving on with her life. For the first time in my life, I felt a little freedom in having to be so over protective of her.

  As much as I love her, I felt like she wasn’t my total responsibility. It’s a weight on my shoulders I’ve carried for years, and it was nice to know that I had someone to share it with. It was respite having someone else looking out for her. That I could get a break. I know Emma had been with her while she was in high school, but Emma was less than available. I still tried to come home as much as possible or have Gabby come to me because I worried about her.

  The one person I trusted and felt would do what was right by her has completely screwed up, and I’m reminded why I have always wanted to stay close. I’m reminded why I have become my sister’s keeper for all of these years. It’s because I can’t depend on others to protect her the way I would. Ultimately, there is no one on this planet that loves her more than me. It’s just not possible.

  My phone rings, and it startles me. I jump to answer it because I hope it’s Gabby. I need it to be Gabby. I need to know she’s okay. When I peek at the screen, I’m surprised. “Joe?”

  “Sam, are you sitting outside of my club?” I jerk my head from side-to-side, and I see him standing in the doorway. One hand is holding his phone and the other is holding the door open. I feel relief flood through my body, and nervous laughter erupts. Soon I’m cackling in between sobs. I never take my eyes off of him, and it’s as if I’m completely paralyzed. A smile curves onto his lips as he watches me, amused. “You okay? You wanna come in?” he quips.

  I take a deep breath and end the call as I nod my head yes, “Yes.”

  I cut the ignition off and watch him close his phone. He’s still grinning, and I can tell that he looks interested as to why I’m sitting outside of his club. I have to admit that I’m relieved he’s here. He’s so tall, and I’m so short. When I get to the door, he extends his arm and makes an opening for me to go into the club through. As he stares down at me, I glance up to him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. What’s up? You’re not just in Atlanta, but you’re outside my club in the morning.” He closes and locks the door, then he walks behind the bar. “Too early for a drink?” he asks as he picks up a glass.

  “Not today.” I shake my head. “Bradley told me you did some background work on my dad for him.”

  His smile quickly disappears. “Damn, just cut to the chase,” he says as he pours a shot. “I did.”

  “And...” I take the glass, tip it and touch his and toss it back.

  When he puts his glass down on the table, he walks away. I watch him move from behind the bar, and I think for a moment he’s coming to my side, but he’s not. He walks to the back office and calls over his shoulder. “You can see for yourself. Hold on a sec.”

  I swallow hard. I’m not sure I want to see. Hearing and seeing are two totally different things. I’m not sure I’m ready to see anything that has to do with him. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready. He’s been dead to me for so many years. I don’t get the convenience of not remembering. I know it all. I don’t want to face it any more than I already have.

  I rest my head on the bar. I can’t believe how quickly that shot has affected me. Not smart to do that on an empty stomach first thing in the morning, Samantha. Stupid. Just stupid.

  I feel heat behind me, and when I sit up, I can feel his chest on my back for a moment, and then he steps back. He tosses a manila file onto the bar in front of me. “That’s everything I have,” he breathes into my ear.

  I can’t move. I know if I move, I’m going to be face to face with him, and I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol or the myriad of emotions that I’ve felt today, but I’m in dangerous territory right now. I freeze. He stays there for a moment, and I can feel everything inside of my body heating to treacherous temperatures. The fact that he’s not moving lets me know that he feels it, too. This is wrong. I have to get out of here.

  “Well aren’t you going to open it?” he quizzes me.

  “Um.” I gulp. “I need to get outta here,” I cry as I turn to leave.

  He grabs my shoulders and turns me around. “Oh no. You can’t drive right now.” Our eyes are locked, and he reaches down to my hand, prying my fingers open to take my keys. “I’ll keep these for a little while. Sit.” He puts
his hands on my shoulders and gently nudges me down onto the stool.

  I swallow and nod my head. “I’m not sure I want to look at this.” I push the folder back to him. “Can’t you just tell me?”

  He sits next to me. “I can tell you.” Then he shrugs. “But I think you’d be better served to deal with it head on and move forward.”

  I cock my head to the side. “What makes you think you know what suits me and what doesn’t?”

  He leans forward and puts his hand on the folder. “You’re here. It was the first thing out of your mouth.”

  “Just because I’m here and want to know doesn’t mean I want to see the damn file. Curiosity killed the cat, ya know.”

  “Fine.” He starts to slide it back, but I put my hand on his and stop him. As I do, there is a bolt that streaks through my body. I don’t know if it’s a warning sign to not look in the folder, or if it’s a warning sign that Joe is trouble for me.

  “Maybe.” I pull the file back towards me. “Maybe you’re right.”

  “Oh, I know I’m right.” He grins as he pushes the file and my hand back towards me. I look into his searing brown eyes, and we simultaneously move our hands from the file. He rests his on his right, bent knee, then he nods. “Go ahead. You know you want to.”

  I glare at him as I open the file. I inhale sharply as I see a picture of my father. He’s not changed much. He looks more put together, older, but ultimately he looks like the same man that I see in my mind when I have flashbacks to that last day.

  I rest my elbow on the bar and use my hand to cover my face as tears start to stream down my cheek. I close the folder back quickly. Joe sits and watches me. He doesn’t move the file away. He doesn’t say a word. I open it back up and look one more time, except I don’t close the file. I turn the page. It has every piece of information about him I could possibly want other than his shoe size.

  He’s married. He has three children, two girls and a boy. He’s a Baptist deacon. He owns Gi Gi’s Coffee Shop. He’s also a member of AA. Sober for fifteen years. I pour through the information and everything Bradley has said is true according to these reports.

  It doesn’t make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me angrier. He got his life back together, but he didn’t come back for us. Who the hell does that? I slam the folder closed. “He’s dead to me.”

  “Sam.” Joe reaches out to turn me around. “He’s a good guy. You have a second chance.”

  “He wasn’t a good guy to us, and frankly, he still isn’t a good guy to us. If he were, he would have found us. He would have apologized. He would have tried to make things right. He’s a freakin’ coward,” I hiss.

  Joe rolls his neck from side to side, and it makes popping noises as he closes his eyes. “Okay. So why are you here?”

  “I’m here because...” I look away. “I’m here because I didn’t know where else to go. Bradley told Gabby. She’s not talking. I’m so furious with him I could spit fire.”

  He chuckles, and now’s not the time for him to laugh at me. I whip my neck back. “What’s so funny?”

  He shakes his head and tries to act serious. “Just picturing you spitting fire.” He puts his hands up to surrender. “That’s all.”

  I growl, but I can’t avoid the smile that is starting to curve on my lips. “Whatever.”

  “What are you gonna do, Sam?” He turns serious. “What do you want me to say?”

  “I don’t want you to say anything. And I don’t know what to do. Gabby and I were supposed to go dress shopping today. That’s not gonna happen. I was pretty nasty to Bradley. I don’t know what to say to him.”

  “Ha. Bradley’s a big boy. I’m sure that he understood you were upset. I wouldn’t waste much time worrying about him.”

  I nod and swallow. “My sister is a mess.”

  “Maybe you need to go back and spend some time just being with her.”

  “Because that won’t be awkward at all,” I laugh, which feels so good.

  “It will be awkward, but it may be what she needs. I’m sure she’s scared. Your familiarity may be the comfort and strength she needs.”

  I realize as those words come out of his mouth that he has been comfort and strength for me. I feel guilty, and I’m not sure why. Suddenly this is beyond awkward. “Will you call a cab for me?”

  He pulls his cell phone out and dials a number. “Sure.”

  I zone out as he talks to the cab people. I think about Gabby. I think about the things I want to say to her. I think about the apology I owe to Bradley.

  When Joe hangs up, he picks the file up from the counter. “Do you want copies?”

  I shake my head from side-to-side. “No.” My voice cracks.

  “Okay. I’m gonna go put this back in my office then while we wait for your ride.”

  I smile and close my eyes. My fatigue sets in and I just want to lay down somewhere and sleep. I want to wake up and this all be a bad dream.

  He walks back up to my side and he’s about to say something when the horn blows outside. I glance up to him. “What is it?”

  “It wasn’t important.” He holds his hand out to help me off the stool. “That’s your cab.”

  “Yeah. Thank you for everything.”

  “No problem.” He clears his throat. “Uh, anytime you need to talk. My door’s always open.”

  I smile. “Thanks.”

  When I get back to Bradley’s, I decide to take the stairs instead of the elevator. I don’t want to wait. I want to be with my sister. I want to make things right with Bradley. I’m pumped to try to fix this situation.

  As I’m about to get to the top of the stairs, I get a text. I stop for a moment to glance down, it’s Bradley. I’m horrified by what I see.

  Gabby’s gone. I took a shower and she was gone when I came out. She’s not answering her cell. Is she with you?

  I sprint the rest of the way and bang my fist on the door of his apartment. “Bradley.”

  I nearly fall into his arms haphazardly as he opens the door. “Sam. Thank God,” he says. He looks around. “She’s not with you, is she?”

  “No. I was with Joe. I was coming to apologize to you and try to get through to her.”

  “Joe?” He raises an eyebrow.

  “Different story.” Ugh, I dread having to go into that story, but I know Bradley, and he’s going to pester me like a brother until I finally spill those beans. If I don’t, I’m sure Joe will be only too happy to tell him. “Long story. Another day. Gabby. Could she be in school?”

  “No.” He shakes his head and moves out of the doorway, inviting me into the apartment. “They were off today. That’s part of the reason she scheduled dress shopping for this weekend.” He closes the door. “She was supposed to be doing wedding stuff all this weekend.”

  “Maybe I should try to call her, then?”

  “Sure. Wouldn’t hurt.”

  I dial her number, but it goes straight to voicemail. “What about the library? Would she be studying?”

  Bradley shakes his head no. “She doesn’t study at the library. She studies at Gi Gi’s.”

  Just the mention of Gi Gi’s makes my blood boil. “Do you think she went there?”

  “I don’t know. I guess we could go see.”

  “I’d offer to go and you stay, but I don’t have my car. Again, long story.” I take a deep breath. “Don’t you think one of us should stay here in case she comes back?”

  He grabs his keys. “Not a bad idea. You stay, I’ll go.”

  “Okay.” I plop down onto the couch as he walks out of the apartment. Where are you, Gabby? Where are you?

  I had to get out of the apartment. I had to get away from them. When he got in the shower, it seemed like the perfect chance to escape. I couldn’t tell him I was leaving because he wouldn’t have let me. Everyone thinks I’m so fragile, that I’m so broken.

  I’m a lot stronger than they think I am. I am in shock, yes. But more importantly, I’m beyond pissed and angry that t
hey knew about this and kept it from me. I’m so tired of secrets and revelations. It seems like as soon as Bradley and I get past one thing, something else happens to threaten our happiness.

  As if it’s not enough, my sister refuses to quit treating me like the broken, fragile five- year-old girl I used to be. She insists on protecting and sheltering me. I’m a grown woman. I wish that people would let me make my own decisions. I’ll never be able to make them if people are constantly trying to make them for me.

  I decide to walk a block or so trying to figure out what I am going to do. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I needed to see him. I need to see the creeper that’s my father. I call a cab since I’m carless and make my way to Gi Gi’s. I need to see him one more time with the knowledge that he’s my father.

  I watch from a distance when I arrive. How could I have missed this all the times I’ve been here? It’s not like we look all that much alike, though. What I should have noticed is how much he looks like Sam. I guess that’s why he’s always been so familiar.

  I decide to go inside. I walk up to the counter where he’s taking orders. He smiles like he always does. This time, it doesn’t creep me out as much. I’m curious.

  He nods. “What can I get for you today?” I notice things about him I’ve never noticed. His voice is deep. I replay what he just said and try to hear if we talk alike. “Do you want what you usually get?”

  I nod my head.

  He presses a few keys on the register. “That’ll be $2.50, then.”

  I hand him my card. When I do, I realize that he’s known who I was all this time. He’s seen my card over and over again. I look at his ring on his finger as he takes it. “You’re married?” I ask.

  He looks down at his finger. “Sure am. You’re engaged, huh.” He points to my ring.

  I nod. This is beyond weird. I want to know if he acknowledges that I’m his child. So here goes nothing. “Do you have any kids?”

  He gives me a sad smile. “I have three children. Two girls and a boy.”