Three years after their parent’s tragic death, the nightmares were lessening, and he was beginning the long difficult road towards detective work. He also continued to avoid a serious girlfriend. The only close relationships he’d maintained were with Carrie and Nathan, who he now considered to be his closest friend. He was happy with this arrangement. Solitude meant no attachment and no attachments meant not having to experience loss. As long as there were girls happy to warm his sheets, he was as content as he could be, all things considered.
Further time passed and his twentieth birthday came and went. Most of his patrol callouts were mild and caused him little grief. In the back of his mind he wondered how he would handle a messy scene, where assault or worse had occurred. This would be his first hurdle and his feelings were mixed regarding the prospect. His journal continued to be part of his routine, his companion to unload his burdens on when he needed solace.
His partner, Chuck Morrison, was ten years his senior and in Lucas’ opinion a great cop. He was medium height and brawny which meant he could intimidate with ease. What he also had in abundance was patience and self-control, which Lucas thought were amicable qualities when it came to law enforcement. Chuck rarely lost his temper and still obtained results. His arrest record was one of the best. Although an excellent cop, Chuck had no ambition to rise in the ranks. He liked to train and mould young minds such as Lucas and was proud of the success rate of his partners. Lucas couldn’t have acquired a better partner in Chuck.
If Lucas wasn’t paired with Chuck, the first murder scene he attended could have gone much worse. Still on nightshift, which suited Lucas best, they were enjoying a dinner of burgers and coke when the call came in, a domestic dispute. Neighbours had called the police after a very loud and heated argument ensued in their street. Assuming they would be merely breaking up a fight, Lucas wasn’t prepared. Chuck knew nothing of Lucas’ past and that was the way he wanted it to stay, he had told no-one about that fateful night and never planned to.
As Chuck drove, as always, he kept a monologue of conversation and this also suited Lucas perfectly. The less he had to speak the better.
“Hudson, you really should join me tomorrow night at ‘In Blue’, lots of good looking ladies, uniformed and civilian. The ones who aren’t cops are fascinated with us and are easy pickings. As you well know, this is why I’ve never married. Lots of willing girls, why settle with just one?”
Chuck was a good, honest guy but loved playing the field. He had come close to getting married once but she’d run off with his much younger partner. He never really got over it and now spread his love around, as he so eloquently put it. Lucas maintained the same credo, however Chuck didn’t know it was for a totally different reason. He simply believed that Lucas was sowing his wild oats.
“I might just do that, Chuck. I haven’t been laid for a couple of weeks.”
Lucas knew how to walk the walk and talk the talk, even though there was a tiny part of him that felt bad about using girls. Some wanted more and having to politely detach was somewhat difficult. Lucas’s outside demeanour was much different to the kind, passionate, affectionate Lucky lost inside, lying dormant.
“That’s my boy. We’ve got the night off, might as well take advantage of it.”
They’d arrived at the address and Lucas was grateful the conversation would be over. He wanted zero commitments but he didn’t want to be an asshole either.
The house seemed unnervingly quiet and he wondered if it was a false alarm. Their knocks went unanswered, so Chuck instructed him to stay put while he checked the rear entrance. Five minutes passed until he returned looking grim.
“Looks like we might be too late,” he told Lucas sadly.
He drew his weapon and indicated for Lucas to do the same. Chuck banged on the front door again before trying the handle, it was unlocked.
“Police!” he called as he entered the house. Lucas followed. “We’re here to make sure everything’s alright.”
Silence. They searched each room to find them empty. The sitting room and kitchen were void of life so they continued down the hall towards the bedrooms. As they walked past each open door they were greeted by emptiness. At the end of the hall was one final room, the door ajar. Weapons ready, they walked to the door.
Chuck nudged it open with his foot and this was where they found them. She was sprawled across the bed, her chest, arms, and face a mass of red. Her clothes soaked through, the origin of the injuries indeterminate. She was young, early twenties, though it was impossible to know for sure due to the extent of her injuries.
Lucas froze. Slumped in the corner was the second victim, a single gunshot wound to the head, weapon beside his hand. The scene was gruesome and shocking and appeared to be a murder suicide. He couldn’t draw his eyes away from the girl. The empty glaze of her eyes, the bloody mess and her lifeless body so much like … the memories came flooding back. It was no longer a young girl hacked at with thoughtless abandon, instead it was his mother. He couldn’t turn away yet didn’t want to look. He definitely wasn’t dealing with this as well as he’d intended. Sensing his discomfort or perhaps noticing his pallor, Chuck gave him a break.
“Hudson, could you call this in on the radio. We need detectives to attend the scene. I will secure the site ready for their arrival.”
“Sure,” he somehow managed to answer.
Once in the squad car he made the call, and then sat in the car as he attempted to compose his wayward emotions and clear his mind of creeping memories. He thought he could handle it and was disappointed with himself. Joining the force was going to present situations such as these and his ability to handle such incidents was paramount. If he reacted this way to every bloody scene he wasn’t going to last long. He swallowed the lump which had lodged in his throat, pushed his emotions way down and brought forth his strong resolve. He was required to do his job right now; he could deal with the rest later.
Lucas waited outside for the detectives and crime scene technicians. He lit up a smoke, a newly acquired habit formed during endless, boring hours on traffic patrol. It helped calm him somewhat. He really didn’t like the habit, the taste or the smell but it gave him something to do with his hands. The burn distracted his mind from the visions.
When the detectives arrived he advised them where the scene was located and then butt out his smoke. Several minutes later Chuck joined him outside, Lucas, composed for now, put on a stony face. He didn’t want to show weakness to his senior partner.
“Hey kid, you okay?”
“Yeah, Chuck, just my first murder scene, bit of a shock.”
“The first one always is. You handled it well, it’ll get easier.”
Lucas began to doubt it would.
Lucas arrived home as Carrie was leaving for work, his brave mask still attached to his face, or so he thought.
“Lucas,” Carrie said as she passed him at the door. “Are you okay, honey?”
“Yeah, long night.”
“Are you sure? I can open a little late if you want to talk.” He shook his head. Talking about it would not help. “Okay, well, I’ll see you later. You’re not working tonight are you?”
“No.”
“Do you want to do something? I realise I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nathan ... I can cancel my plans.”
“No, I’ll probably go out with the boys. Chuck and a few others have been urging me to join them for weeks.” He couldn’t lift his eyes to hers, knowing she would see through his facade in an instant.
“Get some rest, Lucas, you look terrible.” She kissed him on the cheek.
18th June
I thought I was ready for today. I thought this was why I joined the force, to face my demons, to help bring justice but I feel torn apart. I couldn’t handle it. How am I going to be a detective if I can’t handle a bloody scene? Maybe I should confide in Chuck but I don’t want to be personal, I want work to be my life, bringing my home life in any way into my job would be a bad i
dea. I nearly blew it today. The nightmares were fading and I felt as though my apprenticeship served was getting me closer to my goal. Not today. Despair and disappointment were not my friend today. Time to see if I can sleep dream free.
Sleep didn’t come easily. The bloody scene flashed across his mind every time he closed his eyes. Fatigue finally won out and he slept fitfully, nightmares afflicting his slumber. Waking up with a familiar start, clammy and ashen with late afternoon sun streaming through the window, Lucas attempted to slow his rampant heart. Every fibre in his body ached with weariness and despair filled his chest. How was he going to do this? How was he ever going to be a good police officer, and in turn become a detective, if he fell apart at the first sign of blood? Annoyed with himself, he reluctantly climbed out of bed and took a cold shower. The chill dulled his aches but the heartache remained. He noted the time and decided a drink with the guys may help to drown his anguish, while a sexy girl may help dull his mind.
9
Proposal
Nathan’s anxiety couldn’t be abated by pacing. However he did so, as he waited for Carrie to change for dinner. Tonight they would be dining in his new apartment as privacy would bring the intimacy he wanted. Since passing the bar and acquiring his assistant prosecuting position, he’d purchased his own place, deeming it time to move out of his parent’s house. While studying he appreciated the convenience of living rent free but law school was over now. Being almost twenty six, he determined to forge a new life for himself. The apartment was merely the first step, tonight being the second.
Much to his relief, Carrie finally appeared wearing a dark green dress that hugged her curves and flared out at the waist. To Nathan she was an absolute vision. Since their first date and night together, he knew he never wanted to be with anyone but Carrie. Her strength, beauty, compassion and vivacity had captivated him instantly. Never having been fanciful about such things as love at first sight in the past, Carrie changed everything. He couldn’t imagine ever being in love with anyone but her.
“You look beautiful,” he said as his nerves threatening to choke him.
“Thanks, handsome.” She kissed him fervently and as always she left him dizzy.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes, where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Oh, how exciting!”
Mixed with her enthusiasm was fear. She loved Nathan passionately but Lucas wasn’t the only one who was scared to love, to allow anyone in. The thought of losing Nathan or Lucas, for that matter, at times, almost consumed her. Continuously pushing the panic aside while falling in love ensured she had a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Staying with Nathan frightened her but the thought of his absence from her life scared her more, just. His thoughtfulness, empathy and solidity over the past years kept her sane and enabled her to move forward with her life. To Carrie he was everything and more.
She jiggled her legs nervously during the car ride. Nathan was up to something and her emotions were mixed. When they pulled up outside his apartment her curiosity became the overwhelming sensation.
“Did you forget something? I thought we were going out?”
Nathan smiled; he hadn’t missed her nervous habit. Would her fears outweigh her happiness?
“I’ve decided to put my culinary skills to the test.”
“You’re going to cook?”
“Yes, I’ve given it a go. I spent a good part of today preparing it.”
She smiled despite her anxiety, simply another reason to love him.
“Oh.”
He asked her to wait in the hall so he could prepare. He came to retrieve her and guided her to the sitting room. What she found took her breath away. An assortment of candles adjourned the room casting a romantic glow. There was champagne chilling in an ice bucket, and the coffee table set with cushions placed around it for sitting. Whatever he’d cooked lay beneath a silver serving dish. The aroma lingered in the room deliciously.
“Nathan,” she gasped. “This is beautiful.”
“So are you. Please come and sit down.” He urged her forward and sat her beside the table before pouring her a glass of champagne. Carrie watched with pride as he served their dinner, awestruck by the effort and thoughtfulness of the evening.
“To us,” he said before clinking their glasses together. “Please eat. I want to know what you think.”
The flavour was familiar and delicious with a slight spicy taste. Her heart swelled, chilli was her favourite.
“It’s delicious.”
“Mum’s recipe.” He shrugged nonchalant.
“I knew I recognised it. Yours is better.”
He smiled proudly. “Thanks.”
They ate in compatible silence. Once her plate was empty, he cleared it, returning with dessert, apple crumble and ice cream, her favourite again.
“Did you make this too?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, I’m impressed, sweetie.” It tasted better than it looked.
Carrie was still savouring hers when Nathan sat beside her, refilled her glass and waited patiently for her to finish.
“Honey, that was wonderful and so thoughtful, thanks.” She kissed him tenderly.
Nathan froze for a moment, now was the time. Nerves besieged his chest as did his consuming love.
Finding his voice, he began, “Carrie, I am so in with love you, words could never express how much. So instead, I’m going to show you.” He reached into his pocket. “I want to love and protect you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”
Her breath caught at the end of his words. His chest beat a fierce rhythm as he waited for her answer. The wait would kill him. Her gaze went from the velvet box in his hand to his eyes and back. The fear was there. He could see it in her rabbit in the headlight expression. All he could hope for was that love would beat fear.
The ring was one she’d admired in a window one afternoon whilst they were shopping and her heart gave out at his continued thoughtfulness. Unfortunately fear was winning the race in the emotional sprint.
“I ... Nathan ... I don’t know.”
“Baby, I know you’re scared but I can promise you one thing, I will always be here for you.” He stroked her hair with a gentle caress.
“I know you will but this won’t prevent anything from happening to you. I’ve moved on as best I can. Being with you and constantly worrying about losing you has been hard enough, if we were married ...”
“If you want to think about it, I’ll wait. I don’t care how long it takes. I want you to be my wife and that is never going to change.”
His declaration allowed love, and taking a chance to win. Tears of joy filled her eyes.
“Yes, Nathan, I’ll marry you. I love you so much.”
She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him with everything her heart possessed. Removing the ring from the box he slid it onto her finger before kissing her again. His hands became buried in her tumble of curls before he sought out her clothes and removed them with haste. His mouth never left hers as he eased her slowly down upon the cushions. With a newfound passion he trailed his kisses along her neck and down her body. Nathan took each nipple in turn into his mouth and she groaned her assent so he continued his path until he reached her inner thighs and teased her with light kisses until she cried out for more. He pleasured her with his mouth until her moans intensified and she was brought to the peak of desire. She begged for release which he gladly fulfilled.
Anxious to feel her, he plunged inside her, and she cried out his name as he tenderly yet passionately loved her. Her fingers probed his shoulders while his were buried in her fiery curls. Their mouths fused together in fervour as they reached their climax together.
“I love you,” he said as he held her close.
“I love you more,” she whispered, never wanting to be away from his loving arms.
He carried her to bed and the start of their new life.
Nathan watched her as she slep
t, her lips parted and cheeks rosy. He vowed at that moment to never allow anything to hurt her again.
10
Officer Roberts
Nursing his third whiskey, Lucas was beginning to feel quite numb when Chuck and a few other officers entered the bar.
“Hey, Hudson,” Chuck said slapping him on the back. “Glad you could make it.”
Lucas welcomed the rest of the party while Chuck ordered another round. Unaccustomed to drinking, Lucas’s world began to swirl. At least the numbness dulled the ache in his chest.
“Are you alright?” Chuck asked him.
“Yeah, no problem, Chuck, all part of the job.” He hoped he wasn’t slurring.
Being one of the boys lifted Lucas’s mood and soon he forgot his troubles. As the other officers regaled him with their first murder stories, Lucas, for the first time in three years, actually felt like he belonged, he was amongst colleagues, friends.
It was only when he went to visit the john that he realised exactly how much he’d consumed. As he goose stepped to relieve himself he began to feel green. Pride stopped him showing the affects to the boys when he joined them again.
After consuming the next round, which didn’t seem to be affecting any of their group, he began to sway. His saviour came in an unexpected form.
“Lucas?” a sweet melodic voice asked him through the fog. “Lucas Hudson?”
He turned to the voice to find a vaguely familiar pretty face. Her hair was long and dark, and her eyes the colour of toffee. Her full scarlet lips cried out to be kissed and her body, slim but athletic sent lust to his groin. In her tight jeans and plain t-shirt she looked casual but sexy.
Hudson Page 5