Hudson

by Joanne Sexton

  12

  Carrie and Nathan

  Two nights before Carrie’s wedding Lucas lay relaxed and satisfied with Olivia in her apartment. Although their relationship remained casual, he’d invited her to join him at Carrie’s wedding. Just because they were keeping things light didn’t mean she couldn’t be his date. He hadn’t told her yet about his new apartment, which he’d moved into the previous week, and didn’t intend to. It was his sanctuary and he never intended to invite her over. Staying at her house was easier.

  “Hudson,” she began. “I’ve been thinking.”

  “Hmm,” he answered, enjoying her fingers trailing over his torso, as she always did after.

  “Now that Carrie is getting married, you’ll need somewhere to live.” He didn’t answer so she continued. “I know we agreed to keep it casual but I kind of like having you around.” He waited, his breath held. Where was she going with this? “So ... I was wondering if you wanted to move in here with me.”

  He looked down at her, his body tensed. “I’ve actually bought an apartment.”

  “Oh, when do you move in?”

  “I already have.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He shrugged. “It doesn’t really concern you.”

  “Lucas, we have been seeing each other for over a year now, I thought ...”

  “You thought what? We’re in a relationship. It’s just sex, Livy, nothing more.”

  “It was for me too, in the beginning.”

  “It hasn’t changed for me. I don’t want a relationship, Olivia, and I definitely don’t want a live in girlfriend or a girlfriend at all for that matter.”

  “Why did you invite me to the wedding?”

  He groaned, he thought they were on the same page. Why was she becoming demanding all of a sudden? Now he thought about it though, perhaps it wasn’t sudden; he’d just failed to notice the signs.

  “I thought you would enjoy it and I would have someone to go home with after.”

  “Is that all I am to you?”

  “I told you from the start what I wanted. I thought you felt the same.” He scowled. The last thing he needed was complications.

  “I did, but I thought things had changed, that you want something more too.” Her face contorted as though she would cry. He’d seen the same hurt expression on Stacy’s face.

  “Well I don’t. You’re not the only woman I’m sleeping with.” He knew this was cruel but a guilty conscience he could live with, heartache and misery he couldn’t.

  “What?” Her tone became shrill, a jealous sounding tone.

  “You heard me. Look, maybe I should go.” He eased himself from under her and his heart lurched with disappointment, he was going to miss her. As he dressed to go she shot daggers at him. “I really hoped we could keep going as we were. I enjoy your company but this is all I have to give. Maybe we shouldn’t continue. We obviously want different things.” Now his conscience was burning and her pretty face was full of hurt and disappointment. “I’m sorry, Livy but I have nothing else to give. You saw ... you know. I can’t.”

  “It was over five years ago.”

  “You think that makes a difference!” He shook his head and turned away from her. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

  He left with a heavy heart. Why did she have to complicate things?

  The day of the wedding arrived and despite what had transpired with Olivia, he was excited for Carrie and Nathan. Lucas paced nervously while Carrie, aided by her attendants, prepared. Proud to be giving his sister away, he wished with all his heart he wasn’t the one doing the job. It shouldn’t have been this way.

  Carrie glided gracefully to meet him and his pacing stopped instantly, she was a vision. Pride swelled and a lump rose in his throat, his emotion almost overcame him.

  “You look beautiful, Carrie, I ... wish …”

  “I know, honey, me too.”

  On the way to the ceremony, Lucas couldn’t draw his eyes away from one of Carrie’s bridesmaids. He recalled meeting her on a previous occasion and thought her pretty at the time, however today, she looked exceptionally lovely. Although twisted up today, her chestnut brown hair he remembered to be thick and straight. Her eyes a pretty blue green colour and large on a small face, which also contained small full lips. Her skin honey coloured and smooth. Her petite, short figure was enticing. The sudden urge to kiss her surprised him. When her eyes shyly met his, he grinned at her and she blushed before lowering her eyes. His desire for her intensified and before the night was out he vowed to enjoy kissing those full pert lips.

  As he walked Carrie up the aisle towards her new life with Nathan, the familiar lump of emotion rose swiftly into his throat and it took all his self-control to maintain a stoic expression. He missed his parents with a vengeance. He felt Carrie squeeze his hand and discovered she was barely keeping it together. He needed to be strong for her; it would be much more difficult for her today. He squeezed back and grinned at her. Her excited expression returned. Being gloomy was definitely the wrong emotion to be had today.

  Lucas glanced toward Nathan to discover his face full of mixed emotion. Unrestrained happiness combined with nerves, a little desire and a lot of pride. Lucas couldn’t have been more pleased. Carrie would be safe, happy and cherished, one less thing for him to worry about.

  After doing his part of the ceremony, he took his seat on the front pew next to one of his aunts. She held his hand for comfort as tears streamed down her face. Aunt Courtney missed her older sister and besides the siblings, had taken her death the hardest. He rarely saw his mother’s sisters and relatives. His father had been an only child whose parents had passed when they had been small children. Knowing they probably missed seeing him, he still purposely kept his distance from family, apart from Carrie of course.

  The reception was in full swing when he seized the opportunity to speak with Carrie’s delectable bridesmaid. As he’d been watching her intermittently he noticed she’d consumed a few glasses of champagne which he hoped had lowered her inhibitions. Without further thought he crossed the room and came to stand in front of where she sat at the bridal table.

  “Hey,” he said. “I’m Lucas.”

  “I know. I’m Leah.”

  “Do you want to dance?”

  “Yes.” She gazed up at him. How long could he hold out, he wanted her now. She was simply delicious. “Wow, you’re tall. I suppose I’m short though.” She giggled. Definitely tipsy. “How tall are you?”

  “About six three.”

  Taking her hand he guided her onto the dance floor and pulled her close. She smelt like spring flowers and her skin felt as smooth as it looked.

  “How do you know Carrie?” he asked.

  “She used to go out with my brother years ago. When she bought the shop she hired me as her apprentice.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Twenty.” Perfect

  She gazed up at him again, so he gently kissed her enticing lips.

  “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

  Large eyes blinked up at him. “You think so?”

  “Absolutely. I want to kiss you again but the way I want to, shouldn’t be done in public.”

  She giggled again. “I’ve had a crush on you since I saw you at the salon a few months ago,” she admitted, which brought the rose to her cheeks again.

  “I thought I’d seen you before. You’re hard to forget.” Another giggle. He could barely contain his desire. “Come with me,” he whispered and took her hand.

  Lucas led her towards the hall and located a cloak room. After checking for company, he pulled her along behind him into the room and shut the door. The light was dim and cast a golden glow upon her hair. His lips sought hers immediately while his hands roamed over her bare shoulders and back. When her tongue pressed urgently against his, he sought out the zip on her dress and freed her ample breasts. Their silky honey colour begged to be tasted. He trailed his kisses down her neck as he kneaded their f
ullness, before taking each one in turn into his mouth. She moaned raucously so he captured her mouth again.

  Tugging at his pants, Lucas lowered them. Then as he always did, he pulled protection from his pocket and put it on. He then slid off her underwear. Her dress he left on, wanting to be inside her while wrapped in its full skirt. Returning his hands to her face as he deepened his kiss, almost devouring her and she moaned into his mouth. Bringing one hand down between her legs he discovered she was ready for him. He massaged her for a few moments before easing her onto a bench behind her, which conveniently was the perfect height. As he held her to him he plunged inside her and she arched her back so he tasted her nipples again.

  She leaned back now, hands on the bench and hips pushed forward. He rode her hard and fast, she moaned with each thrust, driving him crazy with desire. The shine of the overhead lights highlighted her pretty face and it was full of her desire for him, full of her pleasure. In the back of his mind he knew they could get caught but he didn’t care and prolonged the moment, changing his pace from fast to slow so he could saviour her.

  “Oh, Lucas,” she moaned and he increased his pace as she met his thrusts. Her body racked in climax and as he increased the pace again to join her, the door opened.

  “Oh, excuse me,” said a familiar voice as Lucas reached his climax and their combined groans almost drowned out their visitor. “Lucas?”

  Lucas turned to find Nathan with his back to them. With haste, Lucas pulled out and heaved up his pants. Leah had flushed scarlet and frantically sought out her underwear as she tried to zip her dress.

  “Yeah, Nath, it’s me.”

  “I’m not going to ask what you’re doing because I can see. You’re lucky it’s me and not Carrie. She wanted her shawl and I offered to get it.”

  “You can turn around, Nathan.”

  He did and there was a mixture of amusement and disdain in his eyes. Guilt instantaneously raked Lucas’s body. What if it had been Carrie? What an awful thing for her to witness on her wedding day and with her friend no less. All he could do was avert his eyes, ashamed of himself.

  “Leah, Carrie’s looking for you.”

  With her cheeks still scarlet, she left without saying a word.

  “Lucas, I’m all for sowing the wild oats and all that, but man, you stooped too low.”

  “I’m sorry, she ... I ... something came over me.”

  “This could end badly.”

  “Why? We don’t have to tell Carrie.”

  “I might have to.”

  “Why?”

  “You don’t think Leah might happen to mention it to her.”

  “Not if she is as embarrassed as me.”

  “Lucas, man, some girls get attached. She might want to see you again. She’s young and naive and might think this is the beginning of something.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “I know. This is why it could end badly.”

  End it did and badly. Lucas managed to avoid her for the much of the evening and she shot hurt glances across the room at him. She cornered him as he exited the men’s room when the night was drawing to a close.

  “I’ve been trying to get your attention,” she whispered.

  “I know but after ... I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

  “I want to see you again. That was unbelievable.”

  “I don’t know about that, Leah, after Nathan caught us, it’s kind of embarrassing.”

  “Nobody has to know.”

  Her face flushed and his chest constricted. Guilt poured through his veins.

  “Nathan knows and he’ll tell Carrie. I don’t want to think about what she’s going to say.”

  “So you don’t want to see me again?” A hurt expression filled her face.

  “It would be great to ... because wow, but not in the way you want to.”

  “What? Is that all this was? Screwing the bridesmaid at the wedding thing?” Her cheeks darkened but it would be due to scorn and temper now.

  “Something like that. I’m sorry, I got carried away. You’re really pretty and I wanted you so bad.”

  Her breath caught and he waited for the reaction he expected. She slapped him, hard. His conscience weighed a ton now.

  “I really thought you were nice. Carrie talks about you all the time and I couldn’t wait to meet you. I can’t believe you used me like that.”

  She turned on her heel and stormed off. He lifted his sheepish gaze to watch her walk away. This was when his eyes met Carrie’s. She knew him so well. Read his expression so well.

  She didn’t talk to him for weeks.

  13

  Three Years Later

  Lucas paced anxiously in the hallway, waiting for the results to be posted. Two weeks following his twenty fifth birthday, after weeks of cramming, years of patrol, working his way through the ranks, he’d finally sat his detective exams. Tired of relentless pacing he sat on one of the hard plastic chairs in the hallway and thought back over the past three years and what had brought him to this point.

  He’d learnt his lesson the hard way after Carrie’s wedding and his encounter with Leah. Lucas avoided any contact with women who knew Carrie or Nathan from that point onwards. When Carrie talked to him again it started as a tirade. He’d wished she still wasn’t talking to him as opposed to this. Leah had quit her job at Carrie’s salon and cut off all contact with her. Try as she might, she couldn’t get Leah to change her mind. She claimed she was humiliated and couldn’t work with Carrie without thinking about Lucas and the way he’d treated her. Since those guilt laden weeks he’d learnt how to push aside his conscience.

  Now he simply picked up nameless, faceless girls in bars, at work, or wherever they took his fancy. He never saw the same girl twice. Sometimes their agenda was the same and he was thankful when it was, however, sometimes they wanted a repeat performance and he’d learned to decline with politeness and tact. Discovering the easiest way to let them down was gently, to see them nicely on their way, take their number without giving out his and never calling. He avoided unwanted scenes this way.

  He avoided a re-run for the same reason he always had, the attachment factor. As it had always been, he never wanted to fall in love or be with anyone long term and have them form an attachment. Even Olivia had and he’d thought she had wanted the same things as he did. After he broke off their arrangement, he heard she was seeing another detective and in fact he remembered hearing that they were getting married. He’d dodged that bullet. It seemed all women, even if they said otherwise, wanted the same thing ultimately. As time wore on his heart grew colder and lonelier.

  His new disposition also pushed along his career. He became a senior officer, with a younger partner, in his second year. Having a stony, hard, tough approach to life was getting him closer to his goal of detective. He also secured himself a day shift which was a bonus, more nights free to spend with his conquests.

  Carrie continuously advised him to change his ways, find some happiness, move on and find love. Being scared of what could happen was a pointless exercise. Her words fell on deaf ears, he didn’t care anymore and his heart was black now. Too many nightmares, isolation and horrific crime scenes had seen to that. Lucas could never see the irony. His career and lifestyle only darkened his heart and instead of finding the peace he sought through justice and the force, he travelled further from it each day. Every hollow encounter, every bloody scene and his thirst for vengeance were slowly destroying his soul. Carrie could see it and with a heavy heart knew he couldn’t go on this way. She prayed her little brother, the sweet, passionate, loving child, had not been destroyed forever. Her constant worry about him and his choices were voiced, but his mantra became I’m fine.

  The amber glow had long gone from his eyes and his work, besides the women warming the sheets, continued to be his only purpose in life. Time hadn’t healed his wounds, only deepened the scars. Thankfully his nightmares had abated some and only occurred every so often, but this did little to li
ghten his heart. Closing himself off to the world, at least on the outside, just fed the solitude and the pain in his heart never faded, merely lingered. His other constant companion and solace was his journal. Page after page of his thoughts helped take the edge off of life but it wasn’t enough to bring him from the darkness.

  There had been one shining light in this otherwise dark existence, Carrie’s impending new arrival. The thought of a niece or nephew lightened his heart ever so slightly.

  The call came from Nathan, as he drove his wife to the hospital, in the early hours one morning. Lucas politely ushered out the blonde he had in his apartment and raced to the hospital. He paced anxiously waiting for the news. Hours later, Nathan appeared, ecstatically announcing it was a girl. Carrie wanted to see him.

  “Hey, Carrie,” he said as he came to sit beside her bed. He gazed at the bundle she was cuddling and fell instantly in love. She was the most exquisite thing he’d ever seen. “She’s beautiful.”

  “I know.” She grinned. “I wanted to ask you something before we named her.”

  “Why do you need to ask me?”

  “We want to name her Mabel.”

  He stared at his beautiful family for a moment until the stabbing pains of longing subsided.

  “I think Mum would have been honoured.”

  “Are you okay with it?”

  “Yes, I think it’s great.”

  Deep down, he actually did, regardless of the memories that came with it.

  “Do you want to hold her?”

  “I wouldn’t know how.”

  “Just support her head, everything else comes naturally.”

  Lucas cradled the tiny bundle and as he ever so gently ran a finger over her face, she gripped his finger and his heart swelled. Life would be a little better now Mabel was in it.

  Two wonderful, niece filled years passed and Lucas spent most of his spare time being an uncle, studying for his detective exams or at the gym. It paid to stay in shape and the physical pain reminded him he was still alive, well that and Mabel. He limited his other activities to once a month, wanting to be a better role model these days but still needed the distraction now and again. A man had his needs and as a relationship was out of the question, hollow one night stands would have to do. Lucas now only found solace in two places, at work, where he could hide his true feelings and strengthen his indifference, and with the Montgomery’s, where he didn’t have to hide as much.