My Life as a Bigfoot Breath Mint

by Bill Myers

  I threw a look over to Dad, then back to my uncle. And then, for the very first time, I saw it: the emptiness of Uncle Max’s life. I saw his selfishness and shallowness.

  For the briefest second his smile drooped. It was almost like he could see what I was thinking. He knew I finally saw how hollow he really was. Once you got past all his flash, there was . . . well, there was nothing.

  “Excuse me, excuse us please.” A couple of guys with a video camera and microphone were shoving their way through the crowd. “Excuse us. Is this the kid?” they asked, pointing at me and pushing in closer. “Are you Molly McDoogle?”

  “Uh, no,” Uncle Max said, cranking his smile back up to its megabrightness. He tousled my hair, “This is Wally McDoogle. And I’m his Uncle Max.”

  “Great,” they said, turning on their camera and shoving a microphone into his face. “So you’re the boy’s uncle, the stunt man who saved his life.”

  Uncle Max chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far . . . though I am the featured star in this stunt show.”

  The rest was kind of a blur. Though I remember being amazed at how Uncle Max took every question and kind of turned it on himself. Of course I tried to explain what actually happened, but it didn’t seem to do any good. The reporter already had his story: “Stunt Man Saves Nephew.” And there didn’t seem to be anything I could do to change it.

  I remember looking over at Dad, who was now standing with the rest of the crowd watching. He wasn’t mad. In fact he just stood there kind of beaming at me. Funny. The guy was so proud that I would be on the evening news. It didn’t even dawn on him that he should step in and take some of the glory for himself.

  But it really wasn’t that odd. After all, that’s the kind of stuff Dad has been doing for me and my sister and brothers all our lives.

  The next morning our suitcases were packed, and we began the journey home. Uncle Max said he couldn’t take us to the airport because he had to film another dangerous stunt for Arnold Swizzlenoggin. So he hired a fancy stretch limo to take us there instead.

  Of course everyone was all hugs, kisses, and “come back again real soon”s. But I could tell Uncle Max couldn’t wait for us to get out of his hair. The reason was pretty clear. . . . Some of us had finally figured out who he really was.

  Riding inside the limo was pretty cool. But you can only play with the TV remote or the CD player or open the refrigerator and spill Diet Dr. Pepper all over yourself so many times before you get a little bored.

  So, after wringing out my clothes, I reached down for ol’ Betsy, turned her on, and checked out how Floss Man and Haircube were doing.

  When we last left our anorexically thin thread, he was inside a giant soap bubble, floating up, up, and away. No doubt, being the intelligent reader you are (hey, you figured out what anorexically meant, didn’t you?——or did you just fake it and move on? Anyway...), you’re probably wondering why our hero didn’t just pop the bubble with his finger and get out. But fingers require hands, which require arms, which are a bit on the rare side for dental floss.

  So now Floss Man is standing inside the bubble, desperately trying to think of some way out. But since brains are even rarer than hands for him, the thinking does him little good. Sadly, he plops down. But as luck would have it, the comb in his back pocket sticks through the bubble and bursts it.

  Gently, he flutters back to earth. But instead of joining the horrendously hateful and hacking Haircube, he lands atop the giant Toxic Gas Maker.

  As he tries to climb down, our long, stringy hero accidentally gets himself tangled in all the wheels and gears and stuff. (Talk about being tied up in knots.) In a matter of seconds, the giant machine is so bound up that it begins to groan and moan under the strain.

  “What are you doing?” Haircube cries. “What are you hack hack doing?”

  At last the Toxic Gas Maker grinds to a halt. The ghastly gas is no longer gassing.

  “Unfair!” Haircube screams. “Unfair!”

  “Au contraire,” Floss Man answers. (That’s French for “on the contrary” in case you have to write a book report telling what you’ve learned from this masterpiece.) “It is you who is unfair.”

  “What do you cough cough mean?”

  “Not everyone likes corners as much as you do. Who are you to tell people that they can’t have round?”

  “I’m the bad guy, remember?”

  “Oh yeah.” (More dental floss genius.) He tries another angle. “But, tell me, why did you do this dastardly deed in the first place?”

  “Why?” Haircube cries, “I’ll tell you why. All of my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be a hero.”

  “And you thought ridding the planet of everything round would do it?”

  “It sure beats raising pet rocks.”

  “But you don’t have to be noticed and famous to be a hero.”

  “I don’t?”

  “No way. Look at me. I’m just a flimsy piece of waxed string. All I do is quietly clean people’s teeth and make their lives a little bit better.”

  “Except when you make their gums bleed.”

  Floss Man nods but will not be dissuaded (oh, another cool word to look up) from continuing his wrap-up. “You don’t have to be famous or special to be a hero. You can be a hero by just quietly helping other people.”

  “You mean by helping cats and dogs.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “Hairballs don’t help people. We’re more of a cats and dogs thing.”

  “I see. Well, the point is, heroes are really just people who go about quietly helping others.”

  “But I’ll never get to star in the movies that way,” Haircube complains.

  “True, but you’ll touch people’s lives in ways they will never forget.”

  “Wow,” Haircube exclaims as he hears the wrap-up music start to play, “that would be just nifty cool. So tell me, how can I be this quiet hero you’re talking about?”

  “Let’s begin by reversing the effects of this toxic gas and making things round again, shall we?”

  “What a super swell idea.”

  “What?” Floss Man shouts over the music (which is even cornier than this ending).

  “Never mind,” Haircube calls, “let’s get started before they start rolling credits.”

  And so, having learned his lesson, Harry the Hairball joins Floss Man in rebuilding the Toxic Gas Maker to reverse its effects. Soon the world will be a safer place for frisbees, wheels, and basketball stars, who have been losing their minds trying to dribble basketcubes.

  I stared at the screen. It was definitely a three cavity ending. (Translation: It was so sweet it made my teeth hurt.) But, thanks to Dad, I was feeling a bit on the sentimental side, so it was okay. I reached over and shut ol’ Betsy down just as we pulled up to the curb at the airport terminal.

  Yes sir, visiting Los Angeles had been quite an eye-opener. Not only did it help me see what was real, but it also helped me understand what was important. Oh sure, it would be cool to have a famous dad, with the big bucks, fancy cars, and an ultracool lifestyle. But I had something even more valuable. I had a dad who cared. Maybe he’s not a flashy, look-at-me kind of guy. But he’s someone who, every day, gives up just a little bit of his life so that mine can be just a little bit better.

  As I was stepping out of the limo, Burt began to shout from inside. “Hey, check it out. Everybody!”

  I stuck my head back into the car just in time to see the interview they had taped of Uncle Max and me. Well, the interview they had taped of Uncle Max. Somehow they had managed to edit most of me out.

  “They got Uncle Max on the news,” Burt shouted. “They’re making him out to be a real hero.”

  Carrie and Brock scrambled back inside to watch, but I decided to go around and help Mom and Dad unload the trunk.

  “What’s the matter?” Dad asked as I joined him. “Don’t you want to see your Uncle Max on the news?”

  “Nah,”
I said, struggling to pull a suitcase twice my size out of the trunk. “I already know what he looks like.”

  Dad said nothing.

  “Besides,” I turned to him and grinned, “I know who the real heroes are.”

  Dad stopped and looked at me, kind of puzzled. He obviously didn’t get it. But that was okay. I did. And from the grin on Mom’s face, I knew she did too.

  I pulled out the suitcase and immediately began to stagger under its weight.

  “Oooo . . .”

  “Ahhh . . .”

  “Eeee . . .”

  SCREECH . . .

  CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!

  The “Oooos,” “Ahhhs,” and “Eeees” were me stumbling out onto the road under the weight of the suitcase.

  The SCREECH was a car slamming on its brakes, trying not to turn me into road kill.

  And the CRASHes were that car’s rear end being slammed into by another, which was slammed into by another, which was . . . well, I’m sure you get the picture.

  “Wally . . .”

  I turned to see Dad groaning and shaking his head.

  Yes sir, it was great to be heading back home. It was even better to know that things were already starting to get back to normal.

  You’ll want to read them all.

  THE INCREDIBLE WORLDS OF

  WALLY MCDOOGLE

  #1—My Life As a Smashed Burrito with Extra Hot Sauce

  Twelve-year-old Wally—“The walking disaster area”—is forced to stand up to Camp Wahkah Wahkah’s number one all-American bad guy. One hilarious mishap follows another until, fighting together for their very lives, Wally learns the need for even his worst enemy to receive Jesus Christ. (ISBN 0-8499-3402-8)

  #2—My Life As Alien Monster Bait

  “Hollyweird” comes to Middletown! Wally’s a superstar! A movie company has chosen our hero to be eaten by their mechanical “Mutant from Mars!” It’s a close race as to which will consume Wally first—the disaster-plagued special effects “monster” or his own out-of-control pride . . . until he learns the cost of true friendship and of God’s command for humility. (ISBN 0-8499-3403-6)

  #3—My Life As a Broken Bungee Cord

  A hot-air balloon race! What could be more fun? Then again, we’re talking about Wally McDoogle, the “Human Catastrophe.” Calamity builds on calamity until, with his life on the line, Wally learns what it means to FULLY put his trust in God. (ISBN 0-8499-3404-4)

  #4—My Life As Crocodile Junk Food

  Wally visits missionary friends in the South American rain forest. Here he stumbles onto a whole new set of impossible predicaments . . . until he understands the need and joy of sharing Jesus Christ with others.

  (ISBN 0-8499-3405-2)

  #5—My Life As Dinosaur Dental Floss

  It starts with a practical joke that snowballs into near disaster. Risking his life to protect his country, Wally is pursued by a SWAT team, bungling terrorists, photo-snapping tourists, Gary the Gorilla, and a TV news reporter. After prehistoric-size mishaps and a talk with the President, Wally learns that maybe honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-3537-7)

  #6—My Life As a Torpedo Test Target

  Wally uncovers the mysterious secrets of a sunken submarine. As dreams of fame and glory increase, so do the famous McDoogle mishaps. Besides hostile sea creatures, hostile pirates, and hostile Wally McDoogle clumsiness, there is the war against his own greed and selfishness. It isn’t until Wally finds himself on a wild ride atop a misguided torpedo that he realizes the source of true greatness. (ISBN 0-8499-3538-5)

  #7—My Life As a Human Hockey Puck

  Look out . . . Wally McDoogle turns athlete! Jealousy and envy drive Wally from one hilarious calamity to another until, as the team’s mascot, he learns humility while suddenly being thrown in to play goalie for the Middletown Super Chickens! (ISBN 0-8499-3601-2)

  #8—My Life As an Afterthought Astronaut

  “Just cause I didn’t follow the rules doesn’t make it my fault that the Space Shuttle almost crashed. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of my fault. But not the part when Pilot O’Brien was spacewalking and I accidently knocked him halfway to Jupiter. . . .” So begins another hilarious Wally McDoogle MISadventure as our boy blunder stows aboard the Space Shuttle and learns the importance of: Obeying the Rules!

  (ISBN 0-8499-3602-0)

  #9—My Life As Reindeer Road Kill

  Santa on an out-of-control four wheeler? Electrical Rudolph on the rampage? Nothing unusual, just Wally McDoogle doing some last-minute Christmas shopping . . . FOR GOD! Our boy blunder dreams that an angel has invited him to a birthday party for Jesus. Chaos and comedy follow as he turns the town upside down looking for the perfect gift, until he finally bumbles his way into the real reason for the Season. (ISBN 0-8499-3866-x)

  #10—My Life As a Toasted Time Traveler

  Wally travels back from the future to warn himself of an upcoming accident. But before he knows it, there are more Wallys running around than even Wally himself can handle. Catastrophes reach an all-time high as Wally tries to outthink God and re-write history. (ISBN 0-8499-3867-8)

  #11—My Life As Polluted Pond Scum

  This laugh-filled Wally disaster includes: a monster lurking in the depths of a mysterious lake . . . a glowing figure with powers to summon the creature to the shore . . . and one Wally McDoogle, who reluctantly stumbles upon the truth.Wally’s entire town is in danger.He must race against the clock, his own fears, and learn to trust God before he has any chance of saving the day. (ISBN 0-8499-3875-9)

  #12—My Life As a Bigfoot Breath Mint

  Wally gets his big break to star with his uncle Max in the famous Fantasmo World stunt show. Unlike his father, whom Wally secretly suspects to be a major loser, Uncle Max is everything Wally longs to be . . . or so it appears. But Wally soon discovers the truth and learns who the real hero is in his life. (ISBN 0-8499-3876-7)

  #13—My Life As a Blundering Ballerina

  Wally agrees to switch places with Wall Street. Everyone is in on the act as the two try to survive seventy-two hours in each other’s shoes and learn the importance of respecting other people. (ISBN 0-8499-4022-2)

  #14—My Life As a Screaming Skydiver

  Master of mayhem Wally turns a game of laser tag into international espionage. From the Swiss Alps to the African plains, Agent 001.7th bumblingly employs such top-secret gizmos as rocket-powered toilet paper, exploding dental floss, and the ever-popular transformer tacos to stop the dreaded and super secret . . . Giggle Gun. (ISBN 0-8499-4023-0)

  #15—My Life As a Human Hairball

  When Wally and Wall Street visit a local laboratory, they are accidentally miniaturized and swallowed by some unknown stranger. It is a race against the clock as they fly through various parts of the body in a desperate search for a way out while learning how wonderfully we’re made. (ISBN 0-8499-4024-9)

  #16—My Life As a Walrus Whoopee Cushion

  Wally and his buddies, Opera and Wall Street, win the Gazillion Dollar Lotto! Everything is great, until they realize they lost the ticket at the zoo! Add some bungling bad guys, a zoo break-in, the release of all the animals, a SWAT team or two . . . and you have the usual McDoogle mayhem as Wally learns the dangers of greed.

  (ISBN 0-8499-4025-7)

  #17—My Life As a Mixed-Up Millennium Bug

  When Wally accidently fries the circuits of Ol’ Betsy, his beloved laptop computer, suddenly whatever he types turns into reality! At 11:59, New Year’s Eve, Wally tries retyping the truth into his computer—which shorts out every other computer in the world. By midnight, the entire universe has credited Wally’s mishap to the MILLENNIUM BUG! Panic, chaos, and hilarity start the new century, thanks to our beloved boy blunder.

  (ISBN 0-8499-4026-5)

  #18—My Life As a Beat-Up Basketball Backboard

  Ricko Slicko’s Advertising Agency claims that they can turn the dorkiest human in the world into the most popular. And who better to prove this than our boy blu
nder, Wally McDoogle! Soon he has his own TV series and fans wearing glasses just like his. But when he tries to be a star athlete for his school basketball team, Wally finally learns that being popular isn’t all it’s cut out to be.

  (ISBN 0-8499-4027-3)

  #19—My Life As a Cowboy Cowpie

  Once again our part-time hero and full-time walking disaster finds himself smack dab in another misadventure. This time it’s full of dude-ranch disasters, bungling broncobusters, and the world’s biggest cow—well let’s just say it’s not a pretty picture (or a pleasant smelling one). Through it all, Wally learns the dangers of seeking revenge.

  (ISBN 0-8499-5990-X)