Tears welled to her eyes. She couldn’t bear to imagine his reaction if he found out he was wrong.
* * *
It was late afternoon before there was any real change in Bebe’s condition. Jude checked her chart, relieved to see that there was a definite improvement in her obs. He had to admit that he had been extremely concerned about having to delay the operation to remove her appendix. Although the circumstances were very different, he couldn’t help thinking about Maddie and how delaying her surgery had had such disastrous consequences. However, it appeared that the broad-spec antibiotics he had prescribed were doing their job.
‘Definitely an improvement, although it will be at least another day before I can risk operating.’ He handed the chart to Claire, automatically batting it down when his pulse gave a familiar leap as their hands touched. He had done his best to avoid her, needing a break from all the soul-searching he had been doing lately. Maybe that was the key, he had decided: steer clear of her. From the moment he had arrived in Mwuranda they had been thrust together, but if he kept out of her way then surely he would get back on track.
In truth, he had never spent so much time with any woman before. Dates were usually confined to dinner and possibly a show beforehand. If he and his date ended up in bed then it was always at the woman’s home too. It meant he could leave afterwards and not have to spend the night with her. He had never lived with anyone, never been tempted to forfeit his single life...
Up till now.
Jude’s heart plummeted. It plunged right down to his boots then surged back up again so fast that he felt light-headed. Love. Marriage. Home. Family. They were mere words to him, words other people used and ones he avoided. He had no interest in exploring any of those options, had no desire to be a husband or a father or anything else that involved commitment. Oh, he had nothing against marriage per se but it wasn’t for him. He had seen too many marriages end in disaster to go down that route, starting with his own parents.
A shudder ran through him as he recalled when his parents had split up. Although he had been only seven when they had divorced, he had recognised the hatred in their voices whenever they had spoken to each other. It had been a relief when he was sent away to boarding school, in fact. Unlike the other new boys he hadn’t been homesick. He had been glad to be there, well away from those hate-filled voices. Although he had spent holidays with both his mother and his father after the divorce, he had never missed them when it had been time to return to school. School had had rules and regulations—he had felt safe there well away from all the emotional turmoil.
It was only after he had qualified that he had started to feel anything. Helping the people who had come to him had unlocked his emotions; he had found himself empathising with them. It had been Maddie’s death that had made him see how stupid he was. Allowing himself to care about other people always ended in heartache—his parents, Maddie, Claire.
Panic ripped through him and he turned away, afraid that Claire would pick up on his mood. ‘We’ll continue with the antibiotics,’ he said brusquely. ‘We may need to change them but I’ll decide that when the cultures come back.’
‘Should we continue with twenty-minute obs?’ Claire asked and the very coolness of her tone told him that she had recognised his change of mood even if she didn’t understand the reason for it.
‘Of course.’ He stared aloofly back at her, opting for a technique he employed whenever he was dealing with a particularly obtuse colleague. Maybe it was unfair to use it now but it was better than letting her know how he really felt, how afraid he was. ‘As I said, Sister, it could be another twenty-four hours before I can risk operating. None of us can afford to be less than vigilant during that time, including you.’
‘Of course.’
Her tone was just as cool but he could tell that his sharp reply had hurt her. Jude felt like the lowest form of life as he left the room. The urge to go back and apologise was overwhelming but he forced himself to carry on, making his way to the office to sign out. He had to be strong. He couldn’t allow his emotions to get the better of him. Even if he had been thinking about making a commitment, it wouldn’t be to Claire. Her future was mapped out and, oddly enough, it was very similar to his own.
Like him, Claire wouldn’t fall in love, she wouldn’t get married, she wouldn’t have children. She would dedicate her life to following her vocation. Even though Jude knew that she was doing exactly what she wanted, he couldn’t help feeling wretched at the thought of everything she was giving up. Someone as sweet and as gentle, as kind and as beautiful as Claire deserved so much more.
CHAPTER TEN
CLAIRE DECIDED TO stay the night at the hospital so she would be on hand if there was a deterioration in Bebe’s condition. Although she knew the night staff would take good care of the little girl, she wanted to be there in case anything happened. Jude’s parting comment had stung and she had no intention of giving him another opportunity to take her to task. Bill Arnold was duty doctor that night and he helped her move a chair into the side room.
‘Are you sure about this?’ he asked, his kindly face mirroring concern as they placed the chair beside the bed. ‘I mean, you were working all day and it seems a bit much to expect you to work through the night as well.’
‘I don’t mind.’ Claire summoned a smile, not wanting the older man to guess why she felt it necessary to stay. Admitting that it had been Jude’s wholly unjustified rebuke that had made her decide not to leave would be tantamount to admitting that she cared what he thought. And that was the last thing she intended to do.
‘Well, make sure you get some sleep. You’ll be neither use nor ornament tomorrow if you’re tired out.’
Bill patted her hand and left. Claire busied herself with Bebe’s obs, noting them down on the chart with even more care than usual. No way was Jude going to find anything to complain about!
She sighed as she hung the chart on the end of the bed. She knew she was overreacting but she couldn’t help it. It was as though every fibre of her being was attuned to his mood. If he was happy, she felt happy, and if he was annoyed, she felt unsettled too. Bearing in mind that they had met only days ago, it was hard to believe that he could have this effect on her, but there was no point pretending. Jude made her feel things she had never expected to feel. The key now was to learn how to moderate her response before it caused a problem—if it hadn’t already done so.
Heat rushed through her as she recalled what had happened the day before. She had never expected to feel desire again after what had happened to her, but that was what she had felt, an all-encompassing need to touch Jude and have him touch her. Even now she could feel the echo of it resonating deep inside her and it scared her. How could she risk giving herself to a man again? How could she be sure that he wouldn’t hurt her? The old fear might have faded but it hadn’t gone away; it was still there, a dark shadow at the back of her mind.
She took a deep breath but the facts had to be faced. She couldn’t be sure that it wouldn’t rear up and destroy her life all over again.
* * *
Jude was first in the dining room for breakfast the following morning. Another restless night had left him feeling drained. He had kept harking back to how Claire had sounded when he had left her the previous day. He knew he had upset her and he felt guilty about it too. Just because he was worried about getting involved, it wasn’t an excuse to speak to her the way he had done and as soon as he saw her, he would apologise. Even if he did intend to steer clear of her in the future, it was the very least he could do.
His heart was heavy as he went to the buffet. When Moses offered him some of his specially brewed coffee, he accepted that too. Not quite the traditional hair shirt worn by the penitent but it would have much the same effect! He had just sat down when Bill Arnold appeared.
‘Another early bird,’ the older man observed
as he loaded a plate with fruit. He added a hunk of bread and carried the whole lot over to the table and sat down. ‘I don’t know how you young ’uns do it. Matt turned up way before he was supposed to do, which is why I finished early. And Claire couldn’t have had more than an hour’s sleep last night, but there she was this morning, rushing around all over the place.’
‘Claire’s already at the hospital!’ Jude exclaimed in surprise.
‘She stayed the night there.’ Bill broke off a chunk of bread and smothered it in some of the locally produced jam. Jude waited impatiently while he chewed it. ‘I assumed you knew she was staying over.’
‘No. I had no idea,’ Jude replied, frowning. ‘Did she say why she had decided to stay?’
‘No. But she was with Bebe all night, so I assume she wanted to keep an eye on her. Typical of Claire. She always puts everyone else before herself.’
Bill carried on eating, obviously keen to get finished so that he could take himself off to bed. No wonder, Jude thought as the older man departed a few minutes later. Working twelve-hour shifts was exhausting enough and doubly so under these conditions. It made Claire’s decision to work a double shift all the more difficult to understand—unless it was his comments that had spurred her into it.
The thought that he was responsible hit him hard. Jude stood up and carried his tray over to the rack even though he had barely touched his breakfast. Leaving the dining room, he hurried outside and made his way round to the rear of the building. One of the drivers had recovered the motorbike Claire had used to collect him from the airport and it was stored in the shed back there.
Jude wheeled it out, relieved to find that the key was in the ignition. He fired up the engine, grimacing as ancient pistons struggled to find some kind of rhythm. It was years since he had ridden a motorbike and it had been a modern version too, nothing like this heap of old junk, but he had no intention of letting that deter him. He needed to apologise to Claire and he needed to do it soon.
* * *
Claire had just finished sponging Bebe’s face when the door opened. She glanced round, expecting it to be one of the local nurses coming to see if she needed help. The polite refusal was already hovering on her lips when she discovered that it was Jude.
‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded, unable to hide her dismay. ‘The day staff isn’t due for another half hour at least.’
‘I wanted a word with you, so I came on ahead.’
He came into the room and closed the door. Claire shivered when she saw how grim he looked. Surely he didn’t still believe that she was incapable of looking after Bebe properly, did he? The thought was like the proverbial red rag and Claire rounded on him, her grey eyes spitting sparks. Maybe she wouldn’t have reacted so forcefully if she hadn’t been so tired after working a double shift, but any thoughts of moderating her response flew straight out of the window as she let rip.
‘Oh, did you? And what exactly did you want a word with me about? Or do I really need to ask that question?’ She laughed bitterly. ‘You made your feelings about my competence perfectly clear, Dr Slater, so I can only assume that you wish to take me to task once more. So come along, then. How have I failed to meet your exacting standards this time?’
‘I haven’t come here to take you to task,’ he replied harshly. ‘If you want the truth then I came to apologise, but obviously it would be a waste of my time as well as yours.’
He went to leave but there was no way that Claire was prepared to let him off so lightly. His scathing comment had hurt and she wasn’t going to let him brush it aside with some trumped-up claim about apologising. From what she had learned, Jude Slater didn’t go in for apologies. For any reason. To anyone!
She caught hold of his arm as he went to open the door. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and his flesh felt warm to her touch, warm and wonderfully vital. Claire had the craziest feeling that she could actually feel his life force pulsating beneath her fingers and it shook her. She had never felt this connection to anyone before, never experienced this feeling that she was within a hair’s breadth of touching the very essence of another human being. It was a moment of such profundity that it cut right through her anger. Now all she felt was a deep sense of hurt. How could Jude believe that she wasn’t up to doing her job? Even if he knew nothing else about her, surely he could tell how much her work meant to her, that it was the one thing that had given her life any meaning?
Tears blurred her vision and she let her hand fall from his arm. She’d had years of practice at containing her emotions yet she couldn’t seem to contain them any longer. It was as though all the pain and heartache that had built up inside her was gushing out in an unstoppable tide.
‘Here. Sit down.’
Jude’s touch was infinitely gentle as he led her to the chair, his voice filled with compassion, and it just made everything worse. Anger would have been better, she thought wretchedly as she sank down onto the cushion. She could have coped with his anger; it would have firmed her resolve and helped her pull herself together. However, gentleness and compassion were very different emotions. They slid past her defences and found all the vulnerable places that she kept hidden.
‘Don’t cry, Claire. Please!’ He knelt in front of her and she couldn’t fail to see the anguish on his face. ‘I can’t bear to know you’re so unhappy and that it’s all my fault. I never meant to upset you. Truly I didn’t. I don’t have any doubts whatsoever about your competence.’
‘Then why did you say what you did?’ she said brokenly.
‘Because I was upset.’
‘Upset!’ she exclaimed in surprise. She took a shuddery breath as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Upset because of something I’d done, you mean?’
‘No.’ He hesitated, giving her the distinct impression that he was reluctant to explain. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough with emotion. ‘I had a patient once, a young girl several years older than Bebe, who died after I had to delay operating on her. I...well, I couldn’t help thinking about her and that’s why I spoke to you so sharply. But you must believe me when I say that I have every confidence in you. You are a superb nurse.’
There was no doubt in her mind that he was telling her the truth and Claire felt her eyes fill with tears once more. The fact that he cared enough to talk about something that obviously distressed him touched her deeply. It was so long since anyone had considered her feelings that she was overwhelmed. Tears began to stream down her face again and she heard him sigh.
‘I’m so sorry, Claire. You’re the last person I wanted to hurt. Please forgive me.’ Leaning forward, he gathered her into his arms. His body felt warm and hard as she rested against him, indubitably male too, but oddly that didn’t worry her as she might have expected. Jude wouldn’t hurt her. She could trust him.
Whether it was that thought which destroyed the final line of her defence, she wasn’t sure, but she nestled against him, letting his strength fill her with an inner peace she hadn’t felt in a very long time. Ever since the night she had been raped she had been running: away from Andrew; away from what had happened; away from herself. Far too often she had found herself wondering if she could have done something to prevent the attack, but not any longer. Now she could see that she wasn’t to blame, that she had done nothing wrong, that she was the victim. And knowing it set her free.
* * *
Jude could sense a shift in the mood even though he didn’t understand what had caused it. Claire didn’t say anything but he felt the tension start to ease from her body. His breath caught when she settled against him so trustingly. He had wanted only to comfort her, yet all of a sudden he was filled with a sense of wonder. Holding her in his arms, feeling her heart beating in time with his, felt so right!
‘Claire.’ Her name was the faintest murmur, barely disturbing the air between them as he bent towards her.
His mind was awash with so many emotions that he couldn’t have put a name to even half of them. All he knew was that everything he felt seemed to be condensed into this single moment...
‘I think Claire’s in here. I’ll go and see.’ The sound of voices in the corridor broke the spell. Jude shot to his feet just a second before the door opened and Matt appeared.
‘There’s a phone call for you, Claire,’ he announced cheerfully. ‘Oh, hi, Jude. I didn’t know you were in here. Anyway, it’s Sister Julie. She wants to know how Bebe’s doing.’
‘I... I’ll be right there.’
Claire stood up as Matt disappeared and Jude could see that she was trembling. She didn’t look at him as she went to the door but there was no way that he could let her leave like this, he realised sickly. He had come so close to compromising her beliefs and making a mockery of everything she stood for. Apologising couldn’t begin to make up for what he had done, but it was the only option open to him.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just wanted to...well, comfort you.’
‘I know.’ She gave him a tight little smile and left.
Jude followed her from the room and made his way outside. He stood on the steps, feeling his insides quivering as reaction set in. He felt guilty as hell about what he had done, but underneath it there was a deep sense of sadness, of loss. He would never make love to Claire, never experience the joy and fulfilment of their bodies becoming one. Sex had been little more than a mechanical process for him up till now, enjoyable enough but not exactly meaningful. However, he realised that it would have been far more than that with Claire. His mind as well as his body would have been engaged if he’d had the chance to love her, as he would never do. Tears suddenly blurred his vision. The future had never seemed bleaker.
Reawakened by the Surgeon's Touch Page 10