Broken Lives

by Brenda Kennedy

  Alec stands and walks towards the living room to take the call. Raelynn, James, and I stay at the table and finish coloring. I often do arts and crafts with the kids. I tear the pages out of the coloring books and tape them on the refrigerator when Alec comes in behind me and says, “That was Mason.”

  “Is everything all right with the babies? It isn’t Angel, is it?” I turn around and give him my undivided attention.

  “No, they are all fine. He called to offer me a job — well, more like a partnership. He said his practice is too busy for just one doctor, and he wants us to meet him and Angel for dinner next week to talk about me joining his practice.”

  “That is wonderful news. Congratulations,” I say, as I reach up to hug him.

  “Do you know what this means?” he asks as he smiles at me. Before I have a chance to answer, he says, “It means for the most part I’ll be working dayshift. I’ll still have to work a few nights, weekends, and holidays when a patient is admitted in the hospital.”

  “That works out perfectly for us.”

  “He could have chosen any doctor. I’m humbled he’s chosen me.”

  “He’s a smart man, and he knows who he can count on. If anyone is deserving of this opportunity, it’s you.”

  “Thank you. You always have so much faith in me.” He bends down to kiss me, and I wrap my arms around his neck.

  The next day at work, he calls me and tells me they rejected his bid on the house, but he offered a counter bid. He also tells me if they don’t accept this one, we’ll need to look for another house. I try not to sound disappointed although I am. I didn’t want to get my hopes up with the house, but I couldn’t help it. It is everything I have ever dreamed of.

  Bobby

  Molly is out running around, and I haven’t been able to take my mind off of Jamie, my little princess, Jamie Sue Grether. I drink to forget and damn if the hauntings of that day aren’t still vivid in my mind. I drink some more to try to quiet the voices.

  I remember:

  “Daddy, this is the best surprise ever.” I look back in the rearview mirror at my little girl in her car seat. Jamie is three years old and has on a bright yellow checkered sundress and white sandals with little yellow flowers glued to them. Her brown hair is in pigtails, and she is holding her favorite stuffed animal.

  “It’s just the zoo, Jamie. You act like we are going to Disney World.” I smile at her in the mirror before turning my attention back to the driving.

  “What’s Disney World?” she asked, innocently.

  “Jamie, you’ll find out all about that soon enough,” my wife says from the passenger seat.

  I look over at her and smile. She reaches for my hand and I swear she has the softest skin I have ever touched.

  “Daddy and Mommy, I love you both the mostest.”

  I look back at her in the rearview mirror and she is playing with her stuffed rabbit, which she named Jack. Jack Rabbit. I smile just thinking about it. “Jamie, I do believe I love you the most.”

  We drive to the zoo and she tells me all the animals she plans on seeing and I tell her the ones she can feed. I explain about the train they have that takes you to see the animals in their own habitat. I can see the excitement on her sweet little face.

  I drink some more and pop a few pain pills to try to numb the pain. I try to forget. God, I don’t want to remember. I cover my ears with my hands and rock back and forth to try to quiet the voices.

  “We are almost there, Jamie,” my wife, Leah, announces.

  “Yay, I can’t wait. This is the bestest day ever.”

  I look in my rearview mirror to see the excitement on Jamie’s little face. When I look up at the road, I see a car out of the corner of my eye. It hits us with such impact the car flips over several times, skids on the roof, and comes to a stop after it hits several other cars and a tree.

  I drink some more, but it does not stop the memory.

  The screaming coming from Jamie and Leah gets louder. I hear sirens, cutting metal, and people screaming, but it’s not coming from my Jamie or Leah. I hear someone say, “There’s no pulse.” I hear a helicopter and more sirens, and I hear the sound of a zipper.

  I drink some more and cover my hands over my ears to quiet the memory. I wipe the tears with my sleeves and continue to rock back and forth.

  “Daddy, I have to go.”

  “Jamie, stay, I need to make sure you are all right. We had an accident.”

  “Daddy, I need to go. I love you and mommy so much.”

  “Where are you going?” I try to open my eyes, but they refuse to open.

  “I need to go with grandma. Daddy, it is so pretty, and you should see all the pretty flowers.”

  “Jamie, don’t leave me, I love you,” I cry.

  “I love you, too, daddy. Grandma is waiting for me. Take care of Jack for me.”

  I feel something warm and wet on my face. I taste something metallic in my mouth. “We need a body bag,” someone yells, and the sound of that zipper echoes in my head.

  “SHUT THE HELL UP!” I yell. I stand up and crush some pills up in a bowl. I wipe the tears away and pace the room as I crush my next fix into a bowl. I have to silent the voices.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Grether, your daughter didn’t make it and your wife is still in a coma.”

  I cry and ask, “When is her funeral?”

  “It was a month ago. You have been in a coma for 32 days. I’m sorry.” I look at the doctor and can’t believe what he just said.

  I drink some more and stumble around the room. I sit down and keep crushing the pills. The tears are blurring my vision; I can’t see. I empty all the pills from the pill bottle into the bowl, and I continue to crush them into a fine powder.

  I get dressed and find out what room my wife, Leah, is in, in the hospital. I wait until everyone leaves her room before I go in. I remember Leah is in bed unconscious. She looks so peaceful lying there. No bruises, swelling, or casts. How can she be in a coma? I bend down and move her hair from her face and kiss her on her soft lips. I killed our daughter and I will never be able to look at Leah in the face again. She will hate me and she will certainly blame me because our daughter is gone. I walk out the door and don’t look back. I leave my life, as I once knew it, and try to move on without them.

  Molly finally comes home, and I know she is scared. She has never seen me cry before.

  “Bobby, what happened?”

  I wipe the sleeve of my shirt across my face and dry the tears. I don’t look at her, but continue to crush the pills.

  She sits down next to me and says, “Bobby, what is it? What happened? You are scaring me.”

  I finally look at her and I can see the fear in her eyes.

  “Doll, you should go.”

  “Bobby, what is it? What happened to you?”

  I look over at her as I continue to crush the pills into powder. I watch her scratch her arms vigorously and I look away. “I killed my daughter. I killed my baby girl.” I get two syringes and mix the pills with water to make it liquid.

  “What are you talking about?”

  I look at her and I see fear, sorrow, sympathy, I can’t tell. “The cemetery the other day. I went to see my daughter. She is lying in that cold, dark hole in the ground — because of me. I killed her.” I get the syringe ready, tie a belt around my arm, and shoot the contents into my arm.

  Molly’s words become mumbled. I can’t understand what she is saying. I sit on the bed and wait for the full effect of the pills to kick in.

  Molly

  “Bobby, what are you talking about,” I cry. “How did you kill your daughter?”

  I watch him shoot up and I scratch my arms vigorously. God, I hate this feeling. I know Bobby won’t be talking to me anytime soon. My legs and stomach begin to cramp, and I run to the restroom to throw up. I look in the mirror and I have dark circles under my eyes, my face is broken out, and my hair is stringy. I am skinny, too skinny. A tear slides down my cheek, and I look away.<
br />
  I go out and sit on the bed next to Bobby. He is passed out and his cheeks are still wet from tears. I unloosen the belt around his arm and look at the contents in the bowl. Who am I kidding? I’ll never get my life together. I rub my arms and try to stop the creepy-crawlies. I hate the side effects.

  I killed my daughter. What is he talking about? I double over to try to stop the abdominal cramps. I rock side to side and it doesn’t stop. I think about my own daughter and the disappointment I am to her. I am such a disgrace that Alec had to tell her I was sick.

  I drink the rest from the almost empty bottle of Scotch sitting on the nightstand. Looking over at Bobby, I see he finally looks peaceful. I want that peaceful feeling. Every day of my life is a fight, and the only time I feel at peace is when I can’t feel anything.

  I fill the syringe almost full, tie my arm off with the belt, and wait for oblivion to claim me.

  Alec

  Emma and I walk hand in hand into the country club to meet Mason and Angel. Emma smoothes her dress and I look down at her and smile. “Stop worrying, you look stunning tonight.”

  “This is a big night. We are having dinner with your business partner, and I want to make a good impression.”

  “Emma, you already have made an impression.”

  “Thank you, then I need to continue to impress Mason.”

  “Baby, the only one you need to impress is me.”

  We walk to the hostess station and are greeted warmly by the hostess. “Welcome, your name please?”

  “Collins, table for four.” I smile.

  “Your table is ready, and it looks like you are the first in your party to arrive. Please follow me, Doctor and Mrs. Collins.”

  We follow the hostess towards the back of the restaurant, and I lean down to Emma and whisper, “Mrs. Collins, I like that way that sounds.”

  “Me, too, should I correct her?”

  “No, I don’t see any reason to.”

  “Your waitress will be right with you. Here is the wine list for you to look over.”

  “Thank you.” I pull Emma’s chair out for her and she sits down gingerly. Taking the seat beside her, I smile at her. “Why are you so fidgety this evening? You look beautiful.”

  “This is a big night. Tonight you become business partners with Mason. I want to be someone you can be proud of.”

  “Baby, I am always proud of you.”

  “May I get you something to drink while you wait for the rest of your party?” our waitress asks.

  “A bottle of champagne, four glasses, and a bottle of sparkling water.”

  “Very well, sir.”

  I look at Emma, who is smoothing her dress again. She is wearing her hair down in big loose curls, and she has on a black knee-length dress and black heels. Her makeup is applied to perfection. I adjust my tie and unbutton my suit jacket. “There is another reason why tonight is special.”

  She looks up from the table and smiles. “I wasn’t aware of anything else. I’m not sure I can take any more good news.”

  “Tonight, we are also celebrating being home owners together.” I smile and look at her.

  She stares at me and asks, “We got the house?”

  I smile, “We got the house.”

  She smiles and her whole face is filled with excitement. “Are you serious? Alec, it’s not nice to play games with me.”

  “Baby, I’m not playing games. Madison called when you were getting ready.”

  The waitress shows up, opens the champagne, and pours it into two glasses.

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “Would you like to order appetizers now?”

  “I think we’ll wait for the others.”

  “Very well, I’ll check back.”

  “Thank you,” I say, and she leaves.

  I look at Emma and smile. I hand her a champagne glass before reaching for mine. She is all smiles and she looks happy. “A toast?”

  She raises her glass. “To a life filled with happiness.”

  “To a life filled with happiness,” I repeat.

  We take a sip of the champagne and Emma says, “When can we close?”

  “I’m not sure, yet. Madison just called to tell me they accepted the offer.”

  “I can’t believe how everything is falling in place for us. I also can’t remember being this happy.”

  I lean down and kiss her sweetly. “I can’t either,” I admit. My phone vibrates, and I answer it without looking at the caller ID.

  “Are you running late?” I joke.

  My smile soon falls and the color drains from my face.

  “When?”

  Emma holds my hand and watches me intently. I don’t look at her, I stare straight ahead.

  “All right, we’ll be there as soon as we can.” I end the call and try to make sense of what I just heard.

  “Alec? Is it the kids? Are the kids all right?” Emma asks, and when I look at her I can see the fear in her eyes.

  I look at her sadly and say, “It’s not the kids, it’s Molly. Mason was seeing one of his patients in the E.R. when they brought in two people who overdosed on drugs and one of them was Molly.” I raise my hand to get the attention of the waitress.

  The waitress comes over, and I say, “There has been an emergency, can we get our check, and can you have the valet bring our car around, please?”

  “Of course, doctor.”

  Emma stands and reaches for her clutch. “How bad is it?”

  “Emma, it’s bad. He thinks it’s a good idea to bring Raelynn to the hospital so she can say her goodbyes.”

  “Oh, Alec!”

  I sign off on the credit card receipt and take Emma by the hand. “Mason said that Molly coded during transport and the paramedics were giving her C.P.R. when they arrived at the hospital.”

  I call my parents to tell them to get Raelynn ready, and I briefly tell them what Mason told me. The hospital will call Molly’s parents.

  When we arrive at the house, I ask, “Mom, can you keep James for us?”

  “Yes, of course. He’s already asleep in the spare room,” my mom says without hesitation.

  “Alec, I think I should stay here with James. I don’t think I should be at the hospital. It’s a very private and emotional time for everyone.”

  “Emma, I would like for you to be there. You’re no stranger to the family, and Raelynn loves you.”

  “All right, but I hope that Molly’s parents aren’t uncomfortable with me being there.”

  I watch as my mother hugs Emma and whispers something in her ear.

  “I’ll get Raelynn for you. She’s gathering some toys. I didn’t tell her anything,” my mother says as she walks out of the room.

  “Thank you.”

  In the car ride to the hospital, I try to think of the best way to tell Raelynn that her mother is really sick. I look in the rearview mirror and see Raelynn playing with her Barbie doll.

  “Raelynn?”

  “Yes, daddy?”

  “Do you remember when I told you your mother was very sick?”

  “Yes, it was on my birthday. I made her a get-well card.”

  “That’s right, honey. It was on your birthday. I got a call tonight and your mommy is in the hospital.”

  “Daddy, can we go and visit her? I think I can make her feel better.”

  I look over at Emma, who is wiping the tears from her cheeks. I also look in the rearview mirror at Raelynn.

  “We are going to the hospital. Grandma Bridget and Grandpa Sam will also be there. Your mommy may not be awake when we get there.” I look straight ahead and don’t give her any more information.

  “I can make her another card while she sleeps.”

  “That’s a good idea, Raelynn,” Emma says softly.

  When we get to the hospital, Mason greets us in the E.R. He tells us she is in the back and they are still working on her. Bridget and Sam are sitting in the waiting area. We walk over to them. Bridget is crying. Sam stands and shakes my ha
nds.

  “Raelynn and I are going to the dollar store across the street to get some art supplies while you three talk,” Emma says, softly.

  “I’m gonna make mommy the best card ever,” Raelynn says.

  Bridget leans in and hugs her granddaughter. “Your mother will like that, honey.”

  “Come on, Rae, let’s get you some art supplies. We’ll be back shortly.”

  I smile and mouth, “Thank you,” before they turn to leave.

  Emma

  “Do you think you have everything you need, Rae?”

  “Do you think I need some glitter?”

  “I most definitely think you need glitter,” I say, smiling.

  I pay for the bag of craft items, and I also get a few snacks and drinks. This could be a long night for her, and for us. We walk slowly back to the emergency room. I want to give them enough time to say what they need to say without Raelynn there.

  When we return, Alec is gone but Bridget walks up to us. “Thank you, Emma.” I look at her and I can see the puffiness in her eyes.

  “You’re welcome. Raelynn wants to make her a get-well card,” I say, but the words get caught in my throat.

  Bridget kneels down and hugs Raelynn. “Your mother will love the card.”

  “Thank you, grandma. She is very sick.”

  “Yes, Rae, she is.”

  Bridget stands and cries into her tissue as she takes her seat beside Sam. I clear off the coffee table and open all the art supplies and spread them out for Raelynn. Raelynn sits down and begins cutting at the colored construction paper. I sit with her and help to keep her occupied.

  Alec and Mason both come through the double doors, and we all stand. I hold Raelynn’s hand tightly.

  “They have her stabilized and are moving her to I.C.U. She is still critical; because of her condition, they will allow us to stay with her,” Alec says, while talking mostly to Bridget and Sam.

  Mason adds, “All we can do is wait and pray.”

  Bridget cries softly and Sam holds her close.

  Alec walks over to Raelynn, kneels down to her, and says, “They are taking your mommy upstairs. We can see her in just a little bit.”

  “Ok, daddy, I’m making her a card to help make her feel better.”

  Alec looks behind her at the scattered art supplies on the table and smiles weakly. “Raelynn, when we see her, remember she is very sick. She will be sleeping, and she won’t know we are there,” he says, and he never looks away from her.