Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  Slinkie extracted herself from the Governor and stepped a bit closer to the military stuffed shirt. “Bryant, how wonderful to see you here.” Her voice was a purr. I wondered how many years I’d get for killing Bryant right here. Probably so many that sex with Slinkie would never again enter the realm of possibility. Better to let him live and just catch him in some compromising position, preferably with a holocam on hand.

  “Did we hear right? You were attacked?” He sounded concerned and ready to go off and slay space dragons for her.

  “Yes. Captain Outland was able to get us to safety.” Slinkie turned to me and gave me a smile I knew meant play along or die. “Captain, I’d like to introduce you to Major Bryant Lionside. Bryant, Captain Alexander Napoleon Outland.”

  Lionside offered his hand. I took it. His grip was painful, to the point where I wanted to cry like a little girl. I didn’t, but I sure as hell wanted to. “Interesting middle name, Captain.”

  “It’s traditional in my family. For some reason.” I happened to love my middle name, though Great-Aunt Clara had never shared why every Outland had to be named either Napoleon or Alexander, or both, even the girls. Alexandria’s a great name. I felt for whoever got stuck being named Napoliana, though. Not that I actually knew any of my family other than Great-Aunt Clara. She was more than enough. “Lionside. That’s an interesting name.”

  “Name of kings. In Herion’s older times. I wouldn’t expect an off-worlder to understand.” I managed not to share that I was named for not one but two kings, though it took serious effort on my part. He looked at Slinkie. “I thought he was the ship’s cabin boy.” He sounded serious.

  Slinkie didn’t miss a beat. “Oh, Bryant, you’re so funny.” She trilled a laugh. I considered barfing. “Captain Outland is quite experienced.”

  “He looks like he’s maybe sixteen.” Bryant clearly didn’t like young boys. Dammit. One potential compromising position out.

  “I’m thirty. Almost thirty-one.” I got this out through gritted teeth. He still had my hand in his rock-crushing grip.

  “Captain Outland, why is that man holding your hand?” The Governor’s voice was both quavering and very, very loud. It carried to the other men in Lionside’s unit. They all looked a tad concerned. Lionside dropped my hand. I remembered why I kept the Governor around.

  “Just saying hello the Herion Military way, Governor.” I put both hands behind my back so I could massage feeling into my right without looking pathetically obvious.

  “Huh. Interesting ways they have here.” The Governor sounded unimpressed and a little grossed out. Extra brew for the Governor, that was today’s motto as far as I was concerned.

  Lionside did his best to recover. “We’d like to get a debrief from all of you. You’re the only ones who have survived the attacks, at least as far as we know.”

  “Happy to help. We want to be able to leave and live longer than five minutes.”

  “You don’t need all of us for the debrief, do you, Captain Outland?” Randolph knew how to sound official when he needed to. And on Herion, you always needed to.

  “I don’t see why, Mister Billur. He’s our Chief Mechanic, Major. Not involved in any of the, ah, excitement. Same with former Governor Murgat here.” I wanted to suggest that Slinkie wasn’t necessary either, but since she was Security Chief and Weapons Controller, I knew that idea wouldn’t fly.

  Lionside nodded. “Agreed. Gentlemen, please be sure to follow Herion’s visitor’s policies. To the letter.”

  “Yes, sir, Major.” Randolph pulled off a decent salute. I was almost impressed. He took the Governor and they moved off, slowly, because the Governor didn’t move quickly as a rule. I wondered if they’d get to a bar before we were done and ready to leave. Decided that was a no bet, could go either way.

  Lionside and the rest of his unit surrounded me and Slinkie and escorted us to a briefing room. I was relieved to note it was a real briefing room, not a cell. I never took the “not a cell” idea for granted.

  We were seated around a large oval table, beverages were provided, as well as a fruit plate. They did it up nice here when you’d survived the invisible pirate attacks, I had to give them that.

  Of course, I also had to make sure none of this stuff was drugged. Conveniently, Randolph was good with any and all things mechanical, including tiny things. Every one of our crew had a sensor in a ring. Each ring was different, so they didn’t look obvious, just like jewelry. My sensor showed everything as clean. I could tell Slinkie’s was the same, since she took a drink. I decided to follow suit.

  “Herion Bitterroot. Excellent. And my favorite. I haven’t had this since, well, the last time I was on Herion.” This was a lie, but Herion Bitterroot was smuggler’s gold. I knew, I’d smuggled a lot of it all over the galaxy. I figured they weren’t drugging us, just testing us.

  “You’re sure?” Lionside asked me pleasantly. “Because we understand there’s a lot of Herion Bitterroot out on the black market.”

  I shrugged. “Sure there is. I don’t drink it illegally. I figure it would be an insult to your planet.” The Governor tended to prove his worth when it came to what we should and shouldn’t say on certain planets. He’d spent a lot of time discussing Herion’s little quirks with us. Herion was a scary planet, run by scary people. And I’d had to run here for help. The thought that we’d leaped out of the firing range and right in front of the firing squad leapt to mind.

  “Bryant, I thought you wanted to get our information.” Slinkie sounded sweet and confused. I had to control myself from making the gagging sound—she clearly had the hots for this guy.

  “True.” He gave her a beaming smile. “Such a relief you’re safe.”

  “Yes.” Slinkie looked at me. “Captain, I counted a dozen ships. You as well?”

  “That’s right.”

  “You saw them?” There was something about the way Lionside asked this. All the warning bells went off in my head.

  “Yes, of course. A dozen ships. We couldn’t recognize their markings, though.”

  “How did you know they were unfriendlies?” Lionside was giving me a stare worthy of a robot—intense and unblinking.

  “They tried to attach us and fired on us. They jammed our communications and didn’t respond to our requests to cease and desist.” I hoped Slinkie was picking up how I was answering and would follow suit.

  “They also tried to net us,” she added.

  “How did you escape?” one of the other military gang asked.

  “Captain Outland was able to hyper-jump us to Herion.” Slinkie gave them all a relieved, girlish smile. “I was never so scared. Or so happy to see a planet.”

  Good, she’d picked it up. “So, we understand you’ve had problems in your vicinity recently. We’d hoped to avoid it, we didn’t. Any suggestions for how we avoid it when we leave?”

  Lionside shrugged. “You could just stay on Herion.”

  CHAPTER 8

  I let that one sit for a moment and used said moment to take a quick look at the expressions in the room. They didn’t seem overly threatening, but then again, this was Herion, where the military tended to assume their way was the only way to go.

  “As great an idea as that sounds, we do have a job we were hired for.”

  “Just what would that be?” Lionside sounded curious in the way of all law enforcement through recorded history.

  “We have an order for magma,” Slinkie answered. “For the Ipsita Company.”

  “What do they need magma for?” Lionside didn’t sound like he believed us.

  “New production. They’re doing something called the ‘Fall of Pompeii’. No idea what it’s about, but the Props Master said it was historical. You know Ipsita—they try to be authentic.”

  The only other one from this unit chatting it up spoke again. “Then why not film on Thurge or another volcanic planet?” I took a closer look. He wasn’t quite as big as Lionside, all the way around. He was fairer, too, though I got the impres
sion Slinkie thought Lionside was better looking. No matter, all women loved a man in uniform—I had no trouble hating this guy, too. He was young, younger than me I was pretty sure. So, why was he the one backing Lionside?

  “Ismaliz and Thurge aren’t on close terms right now. Besides, I don’t ask clients why they want something. I just make sure we obtain it for them legally and at our agreed upon price.”

  “Aren’t you a saint?” This guy didn’t like me. Okay, I could abide by that. Made hating him easier.

  “Excuse me, but who are you?” Slinkie’s voice was back to bewildered. “I thought Bryant… excuse me, Major Lionside, was in charge.” She flashed Lionside a gooey smile. She batted her eyelashes, for good measure. I had to work hard to control my nausea.

  Lionside smiled, but it looked forced to me. “Major Nitin has been recently assigned to us. He likes to help out.” He turned to Nitin. “Don’t you, Nigel?”

  Nigel Nitin? Herion ran to stupid names.

  Nitin nodded. “I’d like an answer, Captain Outland.”

  “I’m not a saint. You have to be martyred to be a saint, at least as it’s been explained to me. I’d like my question answered, too. Which was, how do we leave Herion safely in order to go about our legitimate business? I thought Herion Military was in charge of protecting this solar system.”

  Lionside sighed. “Yes, we are. I’d like to ask you to delay leaving, Captain Outland. You’re the only ship to survive a run-in with… whoever they are. That you’ve seen the attackers is wonderful in that we can, hopefully, gain some clues as to who’s been destroying ships in our solar space and perhaps ways to stop them.”

  “We have no magma on Herion, of course,” Nitin said. He looked supremely smug, like he’d trapped me into a corner.

  “So very true. We weren’t headed to Herion, we were going to Runilio.”

  “Why not Thurge? So much closer to Ismaliz.”

  “And, as I mentioned, those two planets aren’t getting along right now. We thought it would be more diplomatic to get the magma from Runilio. If that’s all right with you, Major.”

  “So, why come to Herion, Captain Outland?” Nitin still seemed to think he had me over some imaginary barrel.

  “Well, it could have been because we were being attacked by a dozen nasty ships and wanted to head to the planet that supposedly was here to protect us.”

  Lionside nodded. “Nigel, really. Captain Outland did the right thing.” I wondered at this positive statement being sent my way, then realized Lionside was smiling back at Slinkie. Oh well, take the good whenever it hits you, as Great-Aunt Clara used to say, even if it hits you in the stomach.

  “Happy to help Herion Military out, but we also have to make money. Don’t get paid until we deliver, sort of thing.”

  Lionside nodded. “I’m sure you’d all like to rest and recoup. As long as we can call on you for more details, why don’t you join the rest of your crew and relax a bit.”

  “I didn’t see much of a crew,” Nitin said quietly.

  I stood and gave him a wide smile. “We like to travel light.” I helped Slinkie up. “I think it’s time for the Governor’s medicine.”

  “Yes. Bryant, see you later?”

  Lionside stood and gave her that little bow of his. “I’ll make it a priority.” He led us out. “Where will you be staying, Captain?”

  “I planned to sleep on the ship.”

  “Oh, no. New laws. I understand why you wouldn’t know them. Had to be put in place once these mystery attacks started. All visitors must sleep at an official Herion hotel of some kind.”

  “Convenient for the merchants.”

  Lionside shrugged. “It’s a bad business out there right now, Captain. Our trade’s been badly affected. I think you’ll find the prices very competitive now.”

  This was news. “How long have these attacks been going on?”

  “Six months. Long months, too, believe me.”

  “We just saw you at Io Station not two weeks ago.”

  “Yes. Military are having no issues getting in or out of the solar system. Only military can say this, however.” Lionside looked worried. “I know you have an order you want to fill, Captain, but I can’t offer you escort. Which means, as soon as you leave Herion, you’re fair game for whatever’s out there. You were lucky once. Do you feel that you’ll be lucky twice?”

  “If you do something right more than twice, it’s skill, Major, not luck.”

  He chuckled. “True enough. But, truly, consider staying on Herion longer than planned. Maybe with what information you have, we’ll be able to stop the threat quickly and you’ll be able to leave safely.”

  “We’ll think about it.”

  Lionside gave us, well, Slinkie, the bow, then he turned on his heel and strode off. She stared after him. I kept on hoping he’d trip, but no such luck. He was a skilled strider.

  “So, how soon are you going to jump him?”

  “Nap, you’re such a moron. We need to find the Governor, fast.”

  “Why?”

  There’s a look that all men have seen from a woman, at least once in their life, and all women seem to come out of the womb able to do—the “you’re such an idiot” look. Slinkie was giving me that look, big time. “Because I think we’re in trouble.”

  “Oh. Right. I knew that. Why do we need the Governor?”

  She rolled her eyes, grabbed my arm, and dragged me off. “Because more than just us are in trouble.”

  CHAPTER 9

  We found Randolph and the Governor at one of the nicer spaceport hotels, in the bar, at a table for four. This would normally have been somewhere we’d have entered only if we were meeting someone for a job. It was designed along the overstuffed old money decorative theme, a place determined to make anyone who didn’t own half of their own planet feel like the hired help.

  “You two have any idea how much this place costs?”

  “Not as much as it used to, Alexander.” The Governor handed me a menu. “We took rooms here as well. A suite. We felt you’d want us to remain together.”

  “True enough.” I scanned the menu. Prices were down a good sixty percent from the last time we’d been through. Things were as bad as Lionside had insinuated. Thank whichever god Herion currently believed in—we shouldn’t have to sell our internal organs in order to square our tab. “How’d you know to take rooms?”

  Randolph sighed and pointed to the small placard on the table. “We can read.”

  The placard mentioned the new “no sleeping on your ship” laws. It also mentioned a few others. “Interesting. Did you see that no one’s allowed to stay in any one transient housing unit for more than fourteen days?”

  “Maybe it’s so they can spread the wealth.” Slinkie looked around.

  “Then again, what wealth? It’s pretty uncrowded in here.”

  “According to the bartender, we’re the first ship from outside the solar system to make it here in months.” Randolph sounded just this side of freaked out. “Nap, I have no idea how we’re going to leave.”

  “Leaving, no issues. Living? That’s the issue.”

  Slinkie fidgeted with her necklace. “Okay, room’s not bugged. But I still think we want to talk about this somewhere more private.”

  I looked around. In addition to us and the bartender, there were two waitresses. I checked them out. Nope, not worth letting Slinkie out of my sight. Well, maybe both of them at the same time could be worth the risk. But not worth it separately. I didn’t want Lionside getting a chance to make time with her. I figured I might have to tie her down to keep him from getting that chance. I thought about tying Slinkie down and my mind wandered off to its happy place.

  “Nap!” Slinkie hit my arm, hard.

  “Ow! What?”

  “I’ve been talking to you for five minutes. Did you hear a word I said?”

  Sure, I’d heard words. In my mind. They’d all involved me not stopping what I was doing and doing it to her some more, along wit
h other words like longer, harder, faster, and sexual god. What I hadn’t heard was anything Slinkie had said aloud, right here at the table.

  “Ah, refresh my memory.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Why do I bother? I think I need to spend time with Bryant and see what he knows that he didn’t tell us in that formal setting.”

  I didn’t like where this was headed. “I don’t agree.”

  “Why not? Do you have a better idea?”

  I didn’t, but saw no reason to say so aloud. “Yes.” The others looked at me expectantly. Suggesting Slinkie and I spend the next two weeks in bed together and then worry about leaving was probably not going to go over well. I looked at Randolph. “What does Audrey think?”

  Randolph sat up straight and gave me a shocked look. “You… you really want to know?”

  “Yes.” I was all over the idea of stalling.

  Randolph looked like he was going to cry. “Nap, I can’t tell you how much that means to me, and to Audrey.” He stood up. “I’ll be right back!” He ran, literally ran, out of the bar.

  I looked at Slinkie and the Governor. “What did I miss? I mean, I must have missed something, because I’ve never seen Randolph that happy about anything.”

  Slinkie shook her head. “I have no idea.”

  The Governor coughed, hemmed and hawed. He liked to be sure everyone was paying attention. “Randolph has been working on… something special.”

  “For himself, us, the ship, or what?”

  The Governor actually looked embarrassed. I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Ah… I think it would be… safe… to say that it’s all of the above.”

  “Please, Governor, just tell me this one thing—is whatever ‘it’ is going to break or even bend any Herion laws?”

  “Only if they’re new laws since our last visit.” The Governor grabbed the placard. “No non-speaking, non-sentient, non-taxpaying creatures allowed out of quarantine… no imports not listed on the Herion Exchange… no removal of any Herion natural resources, including anything made with at least one Herion natural resource, other than those approved by the Herion council….” He kept on reading. “No, Alexander. I only see new laws pertaining to trade, tariffs and other economic issues. None having to do with, ah, Randolph’s, erm, creation.”