Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Makes sense, Alexander. However, it doesn’t help us if we don’t survive.”

  “Good point, Governor.” I considered my options. As my Great-Aunt Clara always said, he who fights and runs away can usually live to fight another day, but he who runs without fighting gets farther and faster, and sometimes can’t be caught. She was a nasty biddy, but she did occasionally have a point.

  I made the calculations. “Captain, what are you doing?” Audrey asked this very quietly. I saw her turn the ship’s intercom off.

  “What, off the group com, do you think I’m doing, Audrey?”

  “An interesting gambit. You did make some promises.”

  “The people I made those promises to are either dead, on this ship, or so far away that the situation will be handled by the time they find out.”

  “Good point.”

  “Any argument?”

  “Honestly? No. I enjoy being alive, just like you do. I’m not alive in the same way, but I can die and I don’t want to. And I don’t want Randolph or the rest of you to die, either.”

  “You know, Audrey? I think this could be the start of a beautiful flying relationship. Hulky, your thoughts?” I already knew what the Sixty-Nine thought about the idea. A girl tended to get mussed up when she was attacked by a dozen big, nasty bullies. She was all for choosing where and when we fought, and doing our best to stack the odds in our favor.

  Hulky formed into his box and saluted. Then he shifted and showed me a different solar system. It had no space traffic, only that was normal. “Good man. Audrey? Let’s turn the com back on, please.” She did. “Okay, gang, I want everyone strapped in. It’s going to get bumpy and uncomfortable fast.”

  There were some questions and grumbling, but they did as they were told, per Audrey’s monitors. I could tell the last couple of days had taken a lot out of them—my usual crew never complied easily unless we were in the thick of battle and the short experience with Tanner and Lionside indicated they’d fit right in with everyone else without missing a beat.

  Everyone was locked in, calculations were made, all was in readiness. “The armada is twenty minutes from us, Captain.”

  I considered. If we left now, that gave them that much more time to figure out where we’d gone. If I waited, something could go wrong. In fact, so many things could go wrong that I could spend the next twenty minutes listing them.

  I hit the hyper-drive button.

  CHAPTER 68

  Against most of my initial expectations, we actually took off.

  Happily, it was impossible to talk or move much during a jump, so I had plenty of time to consider what I was going to say when the shouting started in nine minutes.

  Among my possible answers was the simple fact that picking where we fought was a huge incentive. That Lucky Pierre was going to follow us was now a given. He wanted me and the Sixty-Nine—Nitin’s little charade had proved that.

  Any time we could buy would be good. It would give Tanner and the Governor time to work on the code. It would give us all time to rest. And it would give me an opportunity to get Slinkie to rest with me.

  Reality intruded and mentioned there was no way Slinkie and I were going to have time for a decent tumble. Probably not even a quickie. And it was Slinkie. And would be our first time. I didn’t want to rush it. Honestly, I wanted it to be perfect. So perfect she’d never consider the idea that anyone else could ever match up. That kind of perfection took time and a reasonably relaxed atmosphere.

  There was nothing for it. I was going to have to defeat this intrusive pirate armada so I could get my girl. Life, truly, wasn’t fair.

  We came out of the jump. Trennile Main was an Earth-like planet, only double the size. Lots of water and foliage, so it sparkled green and blue in the light of its sun. I checked the grids—true to expectations, we were the only ship in the system.

  I’d ensured we exited our jump far enough away that Trennile Mission Control would be unlikely to monitor. It was a seven planet system, with Trennile Main being planet number four. We were on the back side of planet number seven.

  “Audrey, are you able to monitor to see if we’re being picked up by Trennile Main?”

  “Yes, Captain. So far, we are undetected. Or they are pretending.”

  “Figure they don’t know they’d need to pretend. Keep monitoring, however.”

  There was a pounding of feet and, shockingly, the crew were all back in the cockpit. They couldn’t seem to handle long separations from me.

  “Outland, where the hell are we and why?”

  “Trennile solar,” Tanner answered after a look at Hulky’s latest schematic. “But I’m with Lionside—why?”

  “I thought we promised to take care of Lucky Pierre and his boys. You told Janz the Butcher you’d do that.” Randolph sounded just this side of panicked.

  “I tell Janz a lot of things. He tells me a lot of things, too. What he doesn’t tell me is how to go about doing what I do best.”

  “Get us into trouble?” Slinkie sounded like she was only half-joking.

  “And out of it.” I sighed. “Look. I’m sure you can all think of some good reasons why I took us here. But while we have the element of surprise on our side—for the first time since this whole ordeal started, I might add—I’d like to take advantage of it.”

  “Are you thinking this is the last place Lucky Pierre would think we’d go, Alexander?” The Governor, unlike everyone else, didn’t seem upset by the fact we were here. Of course, he was the one with the most experience.

  “No. I think he’ll figure out we’re here.”

  “Fighting on his home turf might not be in our best interests.”

  “Fighting him on Herion’s turf wasn’t in our best interests, either.”

  “You did gain some valuable personnel,” Lionside said. Hulky went large and flashy. He coughed. “And, ah, sentient electronics.”

  “Aw, don’t sell it short. Hulky’s been worth his weight in Herion Bitterroot. Tanner’s working out, too, I must admit. Your jury, Lionside, is still out.”

  “Universal communicator.”

  “I’ll bet Randolph or Audrey could both work said communicator and fix it as well.”

  “Intricate knowledge of the military mind and protocols.”

  “The Governor’s probably got that covered.”

  “Weapons expert.”

  “I point you to Slinkie, who you are not allowed to touch.” She laughed softly and looked flattered. She liked me possessive. That was good. Because I was.

  Lionside sighed. “Biggest guy on your crew, and fully capable of cracking a human skull in either hand.”

  “I knew I brought you along for something.”

  “Oh, good. I ask again, why are we here? If you were jumping us, why not take us to where we could get some support?”

  “Just where would that be?” I shook my head. “See, this is why you’re still at the worth-proving stage. No one’s going to help us. I know that. So I’m not wasting time trying to get help. I’m spending time trying to get into a position of strength.”

  “Why wouldn’t some other planetary system’s military help? We’re fighting a dangerous pirate armada. Surely you have contacts who would support you.”

  I snorted. I couldn’t help it. “Look, think. The only group willing to work with us on this was Herion Military, and only barely. Frankly, you all wanted me to solve your problem while you hid out. Right now, the problem is limited to your solar system, and people are self-centered twits with short memories. Until it’s not a Herion-only problem, they won’t want to get involved. And the moment it becomes a bigger-than-Herion problem it’ll be too late. That’s why the Butcher wants them stopped now.”

  “He’s right,” Tanner sad. “Aviatus wouldn’t be willing to help, and they’re the next most likely system for Lucky Pierre to target. Earth won’t help—too far away to care, and they’re too old, fat and protected. By the time Lucky Pierre would really make Earth’s radars, it’
ll be too late for the entire galaxy. I could go on naming systems, it’s all the same. The only military with chips in this game is Herion’s. And your system’s been shut down, and the only person in Herion Military who has both the understanding of the situation and the correct belief about what to do is you.”

  I took the opportunity to circle the planet. It wasn’t habited or even habitable, but it wasn’t like some, where you couldn’t get within its atmosphere without having your ship destroyed. Trennile’s system was notable in that all of the uninhabited planets were decent places to be, with breathable air. That no one had tried to terraform or pioneer was considered one of those quirks of fate. Now I wondered if we were going to find out that the quirk was named de Chance and the fate was that he and his people ran off anyone who expressed an interest in moving into the neighborhood.

  “Why is the biggest crime lord in the history of the galaxy the only one who wants this armada stopped?” Lionside sounded both frustrated and interested. I really hoped he wasn’t going to try to play hero by arresting us. He did have some skills it would be a shame to lose.

  “Because it’s bad for business.” The Governor chuckled. “Your ability to think like a military man is a great help, Major. But you also need to start thinking like a businessman. Because that’s what most successful criminals, pirates included, truly are, at their cores. They’re in business. And there’s nothing worse for business than a market that isn’t free.”

  The planet still seemed completely uninhabited. This was good. Air was still breathable. Also good, not that I planned to go for a hike.

  “It’s fine if you have the monopoly.” Lionside truly was from Herion. They were big on monopolies on Herion.

  “Not really. Monopolies, like dictatorships and kingdoms, get toppled because they’re restrictive. Free trade allows the most forms of individual success—and the galaxy is made up of trillions of individuals, after all.” The Governor sighed. “Major, think of all the problems you just had within your own military organization, and then accept that they exist on every civilized planet. If you want to stop these pirates and save your solar system, then you’re going to have to do it our way.”

  “But first, we’re going to set down on Trennile Main’s little brother and see if anyone notices.”

  “Why?” This was chorused. Even Audrey joined in. I resisted the urge to shout out “Percy Almondinger” and see if that created the group silence again.

  “I would think that’s the last thing we’d want to do,” Lionside said. “We just escaped from the armada. How will we escape if we’re on a planet?”

  “Exactly.”

  CHAPTER 69

  Sensors found a good area to land. Hulky altered and now we could see the terrain. All clear.

  I set us down, my usual perfect landing. Not even a bump. The Sixty-Nine didn’t like to be jostled and I couldn’t blame her.

  “Outland, really, why are we here, specifically, and on the ground?”

  “Audrey, all systems off other than sensors, both short and long range.” I turned around. “Because we don’t have any allies to run to. So we have limited resources and they have to be conserved.”

  “I echo Bryant. Why are we setting down? We can run on low in space, too.”

  “Why are all of you so dead-set against it?”

  “Because it’s stupid,” Tanner answered. “It leaves us sitting ducks.”

  “Do you think Nitin, or Lucky Pierre, or anyone thinks I’m stupid?”

  Lionside answered slowly. “I believe Nigel did indeed think you were stupid. But I’m sure he no longer does. And, if you’re right, Lucky Pierre no longer does, either.”

  Randolph shook his head. “Nap got us away from the full armada. They knew he wasn’t stupid before we landed on Herion.”

  I glanced at the Governor. He looked pleased. “It’s so nice to see you learning, Alexander.”

  “Learning what? How to live dangerously?” Slinkie shook her head. “Nap, this is stupid and reckless, even for you.” She jerked. I loved it when she did that. “Oh. Um, sorry. It makes sense now.”

  “How so?” Randolph was, as always when intrigue reared its head, slow to catch on.

  Tanner laughed. “Oh, damn. Okay, yeah, good plan.”

  Lionside shook his head. “Not if they’ve figured out how to think like you.”

  “Tanner’s guess is that our current Lucky Pierre does think like me. However, I’m not really thinking like me, so much.”

  “Who are you thinking like?”

  “My Great-Aunt Clara. And Janz the Butcher. They have a lot of similarities.” I avoided catching the Governor’s eye, somewhat to ensure no one made the connection but more because he knew how I felt about Great-Aunt Clara and rarely enjoyed my making a positive comparison.

  “The Butcher is hidden away,” Lionside said, eyes narrowed in, I had to admit, thought. “Some say hiding in plain sight, where no one would suspect him. Others say he’s on a planet like Trennile Main, safe and hidden, but where he can get wherever he needs to, whenever. You’re hiding us in plain sight, if you will, but where no one who has the slightest experience with you would think. You’re a pilot—pilots feel safest when they’re flying. And we’re running away—and you’d normally just focus on getting away. But you’ve been told you can’t do that, but the only people who know that for sure, and who also know you’d actually turn and fight when you weren’t cornered are all on this ship.”

  Slinkie was right—he’d been playing dumb, possibly for most of his life. But he wasn’t. The feeling in my gut that had mentioned Tanner wasn’t going to be getting off-ship on Runilio churned up and said that, in all likelihood, I’d better start getting used to Communications Chief Lionside pronto.

  “I don’t get why we’re not running and not hiding where we can escape, Janz the Butcher’s orders or not.” Randolph was still trying to catch up. I wondered if it bothered Audrey, who was, if my guess was right, well ahead of the others now in terms of my overall plan.

  “Randolph, the Captain has us on-planet because it’s the last thing anyone would expect him to do. He assumes Lucky Pierre will figure this out, but it gives us time to regroup and determine a plan of attack, while conserving our resources.” Audrey sounded cheerful, but then, Randolph hadn’t had any time to alter that programming.

  Speaking of which. “Randolph, first thing, please fix it so that Audrey can sound upset or cranky if she wants to. The constant cheerfulness is going to cause me to kill something, and you’ll be the most likely choice.”

  He shrugged. “If you want. I think her voice is soothing and uplifting.”

  “I think I want to help Nap kill something,” Slinkie said.

  “It does tend to lessen the impact of urgent orders such as ‘duck’ or ‘run’, Mister Billur.”

  “Oh, Major, really, call me Randolph. We only use formality when we’re trying to impress pompous, rigid gasbags that we’re law-abiding and live to follow rules to the letter.” Randolph said this to Lionside’s face without a trace of sarcasm or irony. I was pretty sure there was a ton of sarcasm and irony intended. I was impressed with his self-control.

  “So we only refer to each other formally when meeting with Herion Military and its equivalent? I can abide by that. And, it’s Bryant, Randolph. As the captain said, I’ve retired from active duty.”

  “Thanks, Bryant, I appreciate that.” Again, no sarcasm or irony showing. Maybe I was assuming too much—it was Randolph, after all.

  “So, Not-Really-Almondinger, what’s your pleasure?”

  “Never hearing the words ‘Percy’ or ‘Almondinger’ again, for starters. Tanner works just fine, Major.”

  “Ah?”

  “Fine, Bryant.” Tanner sounded flattered and a bit embarrassed. We’d gotten him out of Herion Military just in time, it seemed.

  “I’d prefer you stick with Governor, Major. And, if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue to refer to you by your rank. It was honorably re
ceived and dishonorably taken from you, much like my own title. So, humor an old man and allow me to keep both my and your former glories intact.”

  “As you wish, sir, I shall take it as a great compliment, coming from you. And your preference, Miss Slinkie?”

  “Just plain Slinkie, Bryant. Only the Governor calls me Miss Slinkie. And, really, only the Governor is allowed to get away with it on a regular basis.”

  “With pleasure.”

  The love in the cockpit was getting nauseating. “Yes, wonderful, we’re all pals. Randolph, Audrey’s vocal programming? Let’s get that fixed, shall we? Tanner, I think a decent meal would do everyone some good. Governor, while Tanner’s cooking, please continue to look at the papers I took from Nitin. Slink and Lionside, let’s make sure this ship is set to fight and run away. I want all weapons ready, locked and loaded, the universal communicator not only up and running but, if possible, linked into the Sixty-Nine’s systems so we don’t lose it in case we lose the original communicator. Randolph and Audrey, once the programming fix is done, I want another full schematic run on the Sixty-Nine. Have Hulky help with that, just in case.”

  “What are you going to be doing, Nap?” Slinkie asked as everyone started to go take care of their assignments.

  “I’m going to be sifting through everything I took from Nitin, to see what other information about the Family de Chance I can determine.”

  CHAPTER 70

  Everyone went off to do their assigned tasks. I went to the dining area. I had a feeling I’d want the Governor’s input, possibly Tanner’s too. Hopefully the kid could cook and decipher at the same time.

  Tanner bustled about, looking happier than I’d seen him so far, including when he was in the bathhouse. Then again, I hadn’t looked at him overlong while he was occupied with the girls. He was efficient—I could smell food cooking already. My stomach reminded me that we hadn’t had any food since breakfast at Jabbob’s.

  The Governor was at one end of our dining table. He had the papers spread out, but I wasn’t concerned. Like most spaceships, the table had a small GravCreate that ran separately from the ship’s larger, internal gravity creator. Food and drink floating through the air were not positives, and the less said about floating cutlery the better.