Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “That would be very bad.”

  “Thank you for stating the obvious, Lionside. Don’t you have a job to do?”

  “You put me in charge of communications. No one to communicate with at the moment, other than you and the rest of the crew. I’d be happy to discuss Aviatian politics with Slinkie.”

  I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. Baiting me, for sure. But willing, should I be stupid. “No, feel free to stay here and annoy me.”

  He grinned. “Thought so.”

  “Flattering as this is, what’s the rest of your plan, Nap? I don’t like the idea of cowering, and you know it.”

  “I don’t want you cowering. I want you monitoring. I’m sure something’s going to go wrong and I’m going to be screaming for you. I just want you to be sure when it’s real screaming versus when it’s fake screaming.”

  “You can fake scream?” Lionside asked.

  “Women do it all the time,” Slinkie said with far too much laughter in her tone.

  “Never to me, Slink. Never to me.”

  CHAPTER 76

  Found the hiding spot Hulky had picked out. Had to give the program credit—no one was going to spot us visually.

  We were at the bottom of a deep canyon, under a huge overhang of solid rock, with a variety of jutting rocks and stones piled randomly in front of the entrance. They still left enough room to maneuver, but no one would think this was a landing area under a normal visual scan.

  The overhang and cave area had some kind of natural metal in it. Once hidden, the Sixty-Nine’s scanners reacted as if we were in a bizarre electromagnetic field, so we felt confident the metal would confuse other scanners enough that we could hide here and not be detected by the majority of electronics. Hulky’s scanning, however, had no issues with the area, which was why we found the cave and could see what was around us.

  According to both the Governor and Lionside, the Hulkinator had been the only Herion ship equipped with this kind of scanning system. It was antiquated and the consensus was if Nitin was going to steal Herion military secrets, he’d have chosen something flashier, newer and a whole lot more impressive sounding. They always sold me short, too. My affection for Hulky and his talents grew.

  Randolph’s voice came through the com. “Nap, I think we can replicate it. The metals in the rocks where we are happen to be very rare, and they’re what’s used in this matter-shifter.”

  “Good. How fast?”

  “Because Audrey’s fully functional, very fast.” His voice vibrated with possessive pride. I really hoped he’d made her susceptible to flattery, because there were times I was with Slinkie and didn’t buy Audrey’s protestations that she would never look to trade up.

  “Make it so. How do we safely test it?”

  “Needs a human test, Nap. Non-organic and non-sentient matter can be moved with them, but in order to work them properly, it needs someone to set coordinates and such. It doesn’t respond to Audrey like it responds to me, so she can’t be the tester.”

  “No problem. Lionside’s volunteered. Good man.”

  “Thanks, Outland,” Lionside said. “But, realistically, I’m the best choice for the job.”

  I looked. Nope, he wasn’t being sarcastic. “Want to explain your thinking?”

  He shrugged. “You’re the captain and the crux of the plan and the pirate’s focus. Can’t risk something going wrong with you. Randolph and Audrey are too vital to the ship’s functioning. The Governor’s too old. Young Tanner has important skills that shouldn’t be risked. Slinkie has both necessary skills and is also the last person in the galaxy you, personally, want to risk, a sentiment I agree with. That pretty much leaves me. I also happen to be military, well, former military now. I’m trained to handle things when they go wrong. I’m big, I’m strong, and I’m willing to kill someone if I have to.”

  “You know, I hate to say this, but I like how you think. Tell me—were you at all happy in Herion Military?”

  He was quiet for a few long moments. “No. Not so much.”

  I knew it. He wasn’t getting off-ship once we defeated the armada. Oh well, I’d adjust once I knew if we were going to live longer than tomorrow. “Randolph, how long before we have a test model?”

  “Ready now, Captain.” Audrey shoved into the cockpit, what looked like the necklace I’d taken from Nitin in her hand. “While it looks like one ring of metal around the milky stone, there are really five rings. You manipulate them to move where you want and with whatever you want going along with you.”

  She described what went where and why. Seemed easy enough. “So it’s somewhat thought-based?”

  “Yes. The stone pulls your thoughts in and then the metal components shift your matter to your desired location.”

  “You don’t find that fuzzy or funny?”

  “No, Captain. There are many things that work like this. You just don’t realize it.”

  “Take your word on it, Audrey. I don’t want the rundown now.” Lionside took the matter-shifter and put it around his neck. As he did, I noticed something. “Where did we get another leather strap?”

  Audrey cleared her throat. I didn’t know Sexbots could do that. Randolph did engineer well. “It was easier to, ah, clone a duplicate than build from scratch.”

  That sat on the air for a few long moments. “We can clone things?”

  “I can clone things, yes.” She seemed embarrassed. “It’s how I would… create progeny.”

  “Randolph set you up so that you can have children?” I was back to adding into the Book of Randolph.

  “Yes, Captain. I look forward to it.”

  “They’ll come out little or big?” I didn’t know why I was asking. I truly didn’t want to know—the images in my mind were somewhat horrifying.

  “I can adjust the cloning process. For children, little. For something like this, fully formed and ready to go.”

  I looked at Lionside. He nodded. “No wonder Nitin wanted Audrey.”

  “How did he know, though? Randolph, how did you come up with all of Audrey’s many bells and whistles?”

  “Oh, well, some of them I did myself, Nap. But there’s an underground manual from a couple of centuries ago, and I have a copy. There are only three in existence. It takes a strong engineering aptitude to be able to understand, let alone create, from it.”

  “A manual? What’s the title and who’s the author? And how did you get one of the only copies available?”

  “It’s Build a Better Robot by Larry Isaacs. Most of the copies were destroyed during the Omnimus Overthrow of twenty-two-twenty-five. The legend has it that three Athriall monks took one copy each and hid them in the far reaches of the galaxy, so the Omnimuns couldn’t stomp out all cloning.”

  Interesting theory. Not sure I bought into it, especially since something like this would be hugely valuable and, therefore, I’d think as a pirate I’d have heard of it. “How’d you get one of the three copies?”

  “I won it during a poker game.”

  “I beat you at poker. All the time.”

  “Yeah, but you’re the best player around. I’ve been playing against you a long time. I’ve managed to pick something up.” He sounded both insulted and accusatory.

  “Fine, whatever. Who’d you win it from?”

  “Some guy named Peter Chance.”

  CHAPTER 77

  The silence was awe-inspiring. I tried to think of what to say.

  “You’re an idiot” seemed so right and yet so likely to cause an argument we didn’t have time for. “Do you know how to translate names at all?” was another one, probable same outcome. “Why me, oh Active Gods, why me?” seemed to cover it.

  Slinkie recovered faster than me. “Randolph, how long ago and how old was this Peter Chance?”

  “A few years ago. I think you’d just joined up with us, Slinkie, might have even been before.”

  “You won one of the most rare books in the galaxy and you don’t remember when it happened?” Lions
ide sounded like he was channeling every prisoner interrogation he’d ever done.

  “I’ve had it a while. So what?”

  “This Chance guy, how old was he?”

  “Older than me. Not old enough to be my father, but close.”

  “So, Junior had it on him and lost it. No wonder the second generation didn’t do anything—they were led by an idiot.” Anyone who put up a rarity of this magnitude as a poker stake was, in my book, automatically a moron.

  “What do you mean?” Randolph sounded confused. Of course. We were talking about the obvious, politics, and familial succession. Naturally he was floating in space without a lifeline.

  “I mean you won this from Lucky Pierre’s son. Audrey will explain it to you later. Right now, we have bigger problems.”

  “So, they want the ship, they want Audrey, they want the guy who can make more Audreys, they want the manual.” Slinkie sounded ill.

  “And, the moment they see you, they’ll want you too, Slink. Probably Tanner, if they figure out he’s got telepathic skills. Hell, why not take Mister Name of Kings? For all we know, they’ll see a way to use you, too, Lionside.”

  “Potentially.” He sighed. “We still need to test this.” He pointed to the matter-shifter around his neck.

  I opened my mouth but shut it again. Hulky was flashing a picture of the Trennile solar system. And there were a dozen little dots flying around it. I thought fast. “Lionside, give me that necklace for a moment. Audrey, how many clones have you made?”

  “Just the one so far, Captain.”

  “And, how many people can this one transport, besides the wearer?”

  “Without testing it, I’d say no more than one. The range could be better, but we haven’t had time to verify.”

  “Uh huh.” Not a surprise. I knew how my luck ran. “Show me again how I would work this to get onto the flagship of the oncoming fleet.”

  She fiddled with it. “It’s set now, Captain. You’d put it to your forehead and focus on your destination.”

  Hulky flashed a dot at me urgently. I marked where it was in relation to the planets and other vessels. “Thanks, big guy. How would I get back?”

  “Same thing, Captain. It’s set for a round trip, if you will.”

  “Seems so easy.” I doubted it would be in reality. I got up, put the necklace on, and wandered out of the cockpit. The others trailed after me. “Governor, need you for a moment.”

  He looked up. “Yes?”

  “I need you to stand up and come over to me. Just for a minute.”

  Got the martyred sigh, but he did as I asked. “What’s this about, Alexander? Tanner and I were about to start the cross-referencing.”

  “It’ll wait.” I put my arm around his shoulders. “Slink, you’re in charge. Get us when you should get us—you’ll know when.” I slapped the pendant to my forehead and thought about heading to the last place I really wanted to go. I heard a variety of shouts and protests from the crew, but the shifter worked quickly and they faded from view fast.

  It seemed to work. The positive was that I still had the Governor with me and I managed to slide the matter-shifter under my shirt while we were moving. The negative was that no one had mentioned that matter-shifting was hard on the body, the mind, and most importantly, the stomach.

  Managed not to toss my comets and asteroids, but it was a near thing. Of course, looking around at where we’d ended up, vomiting might have been an improvement.

  We were on the command deck of the main vessel in the armada. It was big enough to warrant a command deck, versus a cockpit. It was manned with a lot of people who all looked vaguely familiar, as if I’d just seen their photos flashed over and over again against the walls of the Sixty-Nine’s dining area.

  And they were all, to a person, pointing guns at us. Situations like these demanded a great opening line. The line I wanted didn’t come to me, but one that pretty much summed up the entire trip so far did.

  “Wow, Governor, I guess we’re not on Knaboor any more.”

  CHAPTER 78

  A leggy blonde who looked familiar stalked over to us. She was dressed like a fantasy woman pirate—tight blouse, tight leather pants, bandoliers crossed over her impressive planetary simulations, knee-high leather boots, laser pistol on one hip, what looked like an Omnimun saber hanging off the other.

  I couldn’t imagine what the bandoliers were for, other than to keep her rack in place—lasers and sabers didn’t need bullets and she didn’t have knives or explosives hooked in them. They did show off her assets impressively, so I went with them being a decorative touch and nod to the ancient past when no self-respecting pirate would have let a woman on board unless she was flat on her back.

  On the Slinkie Scale, she wasn’t at the top, but she was close, bandoliers or no bandoliers. I was also pretty sure she was Nitin’s sister. I wondered where her Ebegorn tattoo was. I hoped it was in the same spot as Nitin’s. Or on her butt. Lower back would be acceptable as well. Forced my mind back to the matter at hand.

  She glared at me. “Who are you and what are you doing on my ship?”

  I figured I had nothing to lose with honesty. “Looking for Pierre de Chance.”

  Her mouth quirked. “Why?”

  “Have something for him. Possibly, anyway.” I still had my arm around the Governor, who was looking particularly frail. I figured it was his act, but the possibility that the shift had caused him problems was there. Decided him collapsing on the floor wasn’t in my best interests at the moment. Kept my arm around him. “Where is he?”

  “He’s been dead for fifty years.” Her voice was both icy and amused.

  “Oh, I know that.” Nice to know I’d figured the Governor’s time fudging correctly. “I know who killed him. And I’m not interested in Petey, Junior, either. I want to talk to this generation’s top bird.”

  She smirked at me. “Why should we take you to our, ah, top bird?”

  “Oh, give it a rest. You know who I am.”

  “True. And who you’re hugging.”

  “We believe in revering the elderly on my planet.” I hoped she thought the Governor was Murgat, not the Butcher. Figured we’d find out fast, one way or the other.

  She snorted. “Right. So, what information do you have for our top bird?”

  “I like to give top information to the top directly. Saves time, saves confusion. Sure, it cuts out the middleman, but that way, you get your information wholesale.”

  She gave me a wide, slow smile. “Feel free to spit it out.”

  “Like to know who I’m talking to, first.”

  She shrugged. Not up to Slinkie’s standards but still worthwhile to watch. “I’m Charmaine de Chance. And my eyes are up here.”

  Unlike Randolph, I could translate names. “Lucky Charm?” Truly, who named these people, and could I find and hurt them, even retroactively? Forced my eyes back up. Not as hard as leaving Slinkie’s rack, but I did find myself glad I’d left her on the Sixty-Nine —I didn’t need to deal with the vulture-glare right now.

  She grinned. “So to speak.”

  “So, Captain Charm, I presume?”

  “Feel free to call me Commander de Chance. Since we have a fleet, I outrank you. And, since you supposedly have information I’m eager for, please tell me what it is before I have you killed.”

  “Always with your family it’s the killing.”

  Charmaine raised her eyebrow. Nice arch. “Who else from my family do you know?”

  “I’ve become close enemies with your brother recently.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Oh, really? How’s the little weasel doing?”

  “Nice try. He’s handling your operations on the ground.”

  Charmaine’s eyes were still narrowed. “No, he’s not. The traitor went planetside and hasn’t done one thing he was supposed to.”

  “Oh, don’t sell him short. He tried to kill me.”

  “Yet, you’re here, alive and well.”

  “Aren’t you
lucky? Well, considering, I guess you are. Always. In that sense.”

  “I’m lucky, you’re not.”

  “Oh? I was lucky enough to get away from you on our way into Herion’s solarspace.”

  She shook her head. “I’d assume that was skill. So, what is it you wanted to offer me? Your ship? I’ll find it and take it. Your crew? Got a crew, would never be able to trust yours. You? You’re not bad to look at, and your reputation precedes you, but I need a pilot I can’t trust less than I need crew I can’t trust.”

  “Hmmm. So it’s in my best interests to hang onto my information a while longer and see if I can charm you into adding me and my crew on as the lucky thirteen in your fleet.”

  “It’s in your best interests to pray to your gods for safe passage to the next world.”

  “Oh, come on. If you kill me right now, you won’t know what it is I’m here to offer, you won’t know what all your brother’s been up to, and you won’t get to find out if my reputation’s true or not.” I winked. “It’s true.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I did hear that you didn’t have any problems with a small ego.”

  “Let me reassure you—nothing’s small on the Outland.”

  “You actually refer to yourself as ‘the Outland’?”

  “Amazing, isn’t it?” the Governor said.

  Charmaine gave him a long look. “So, what’s a deposed, washed-up politician doing with the most overrated pirate in the galaxy?”

  The Governor and I looked at each other. “I beg your pardon, young lady. Washed up?” He sounded just this side of furious.

  “Yeah, and overrated? Hardly, babe. If I were overrated, you’d have caught me before we ever made Herion.”

  “I’ve caught you now.” Charmaine looked smug.

  “Well, see, here’s the thing. I got onto your ship without your consent. And I can get off it without your consent, too. Whether or not you’ll be around to know about it is the issue.”