The No-Kids Club

by Talli Roland

  Clare couldn’t help a smile as she hit “Call” on the phone. ‘Just think of what you’ll get at the end.’ She patted her own belly, picturing her tiny baby nestled inside. Ever since realising it wasn’t motherhood that scared her, she was becoming more and more excited to be a parent—even if she had to do it alone. The urge to call Edward flashed into her mind, and uncertainty flooded through her. Sighing, she pushed away the thought. She’d deal with it later.

  ‘Hi, babes.’ Graham came on the line and Clare nearly collapsed with relief.

  ‘Graham, it’s Clare.’

  ‘Clare! Is everything okay? Where’s Ellie?’ Concern tinged his voice.

  ‘She’s right beside me.’ Clare nodded to Ellie, who could only puff in return. ‘Everything’s fine,’ she said quickly, not wanting to leave him hanging. ‘But guess what—you’re going to have a baby soon!’ Very soon, if Ellie’s contractions kept progressing so quickly.

  ‘Tell him to get his arse here right now,’ Ellie managed between pants.

  ‘Oh my God.’ Clare could hear the panic in his voice. ‘Holy fuck. Please say you’re joking.’

  ‘Um, no. Why?’ Clare kept smiling not to worry Ellie.

  Graham let out a string of expletives. ‘You’ll never believe it, but I’m bloody stranded in the middle of nowhere waiting for my idiot workmate to come back with a can of petrol. He forgot to fill up his tank and we’re stuck in the countryside outside London somewhere. God knows how long he’ll be.’

  Clare’s eyes widened, and her mind spun to find a response that would transmit the urgency of the situation to Graham and not worry her friend at the same time.

  ‘Well, the sooner you get here, the better,’ she said finally, trying to keep her voice calm.

  ‘Is Ellie all right? How far along is she? God, I can’t believe I’m not there.’

  ‘She’s fine.’ Clare gave Ellie’s arm a squeeze. ‘We’re on our way to the hospital right now.’ She glanced over at her friend, whose face had returned to normal. ‘Do you want to talk to her? She’s between contractions.’ She handed over the mobile, then turned towards the window to watch the London night flash by.

  ‘You get here as soon as you can,’ she heard Ellie say as the cab pulled up to the hospital. ‘And tell Pete I’m going to kill him when I see him next. What kind of moron runs out of petrol?’

  Graham must have told her why he was stuck, Clare thought. Brave man.

  ‘We’re here, ladies,’ the cabbie called back, just in case the glowing light of the hospital wasn’t evident. Obviously he’d been serious about getting them out of the cab before they could think of sullying it.

  Clare passed through a twenty-pound note, then scurried around the other side to open the door for Ellie. God, it was weird arriving here as a friend and not attending doctor. In her job, she was the one in control, the one with all the answers. Now, although she was trying hard to stay calm for Ellie’s sake, adrenaline and fear raced through her.

  ‘Let’s get you up to the maternity ward and then you can relax,’ she said, guiding Ellie over to the bank of lifts that led to the maternity ward. As they hobbled down the long corridor, Clare wondered what idiot architect had decided to put the ward so far away! It was like trying to get an elephant with PMS through a maze.

  Finally, they reached the reception and checked in Ellie. A midwife guided them over to the triage unit, where they’d assess how far along she was.

  ‘Just lie down on that bed and someone will be by shortly,’ the woman said as Ellie gingerly lowered her bulk onto the bed, rocking forwards and backwards. Another contraction hit, and Ellie got to her feet, leaning against the wall and releasing a terrible cry. Clare cringed, watching her friend’s face contort like something from The Exorcist.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Clare said, hoping Ellie could hear her through the pain. ‘As soon as they see how dilated you are, I’m sure you can get an epidural. Or did you want to do it naturally?’ she asked, realising how little she actually knew about Ellie’s birth plan.

  ‘Amanda gave birth to hers naturally,’ Ellie huffed. ‘She said it’s the best way to do it and that anything else sullies the birthing process.’

  Clare rolled her eyes. ‘Sod Amanda. What do you want?’

  Another contraction hit, and Ellie let out a low moan which was definitely ‘epidural’. She repeated the word until the pain eased.

  ‘Hello, there.’ A smiling midwife pulled back the curtain. ‘It says here your waters broke a few hours ago, is that right?’

  Ellie nodded.

  ‘All right. Just relax on the bed. I’ll have a quick check to see how many centimetres dilated you are, and we’ll go from there.’

  Clare helped her friend clamber onto the bed, then swung Ellie’s legs around and scooted back to hold her hand.

  The midwife raised an eyebrow as she conducted her examination. ‘My goodness, you’re already seven centimetres. Let’s get you assigned to a birthing room.’

  Ellie turned a worried face to Clare before looking back to the midwife. ‘What does that mean, seven centimetres?’

  The midwife smiled. ‘It means your baby should arrive fairly soon. You’re well into established labour.’

  ‘No!’ Ellie howled. ‘I have to wait until my husband arrives!’

  The midwife shook her head. ‘I’m afraid this baby isn’t going to wait, dear. They come when they’re ready, regardless if we are or not.’

  Ellie’s eyes filled with tears, and she swallowed hard. ‘I want an epidural.’

  The midwife squeezed Ellie’s knee. ‘We can give you one if you really can’t cope, but you’ll be able to start pushing soon. Why don’t you see how far you can go under your own steam? In the meantime, I’ll try to track down the anaesthesiologist and let him know you might want one—it’s been a very busy night here so far.’ She hurried off before Ellie could respond.

  ‘This was not how it was supposed to be,’ Ellie said, struggling to sit up. ‘I’m so glad you’re here, but Graham—’ She caught her breath. ‘Oh my God, here comes another one. I can’t do this, Clare. I can’t!’

  Clare took her hand. ‘You can, Els, and you will. You’re doing great.’

  The midwife was right, Clare thought as she watched Ellie’s face close up with pain again. Ideal scenario or not, that baby was coming.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  ‘Come on, Ellie. You can do it.’ Clare crouched beside her friend as the midwife shouted encouragement. Ellie’s face turned puce as she strained and strained. It was a wonder she could still muster any energy after the last couple of hours. As soon as they’d moved to the birthing suite—a room with dim lights and lots of contraptions designed to make labour easier (as if that were possible!)—the midwife had given Ellie the go-ahead to start pushing. And for the past hour, that’s all she’d been doing.

  Clare glanced at the clock on the wall. Just after midnight, and still no sign of Graham. He’d called almost every ten minutes or so, desperate for an update. The last they’d heard, he was coming down the M4 into the city and would be there in a matter of minutes. Clare bit her lip as her friend started to bear down again. He’d better get here soon if he wanted to see his child born, because—

  ‘It’s coming. I can see the head!’ The midwife’s excited voice broke into her thoughts. ‘Okay, Ellie, I need you to give me one big push this time. Can you do that?’

  Ellie nodded.

  ‘On the count of three . . . ’ The midwife counted and Ellie drew in a breath, then strained with all her might. The veins on her neck popped out, and Clare thought she might explode, too.

  ‘Did I miss it?’ The door burst open and in dashed Graham, his eyes wild and face panicked.

  Ellie’s eyes swung over towards him. Clare slid her fingers from Ellie’s grip and gave her friend’s hand to Graham. He clasped it like he’d ne
ver let go—not that he could, given the strength of her grasp—and brushed back a lock of sweaty hair from her face. The look of love that passed between them made Clare’s breath catch.

  ‘The shoulders are coming.’ The midwife nodded, then glanced up at Ellie. ‘Come on, now, one more big push.’

  Ellie continued to strain, and then Clare heard a wail.

  ‘You did it! Well done!’ Grinning, the midwife gave the baby a quick wipe, then placed it on Ellie’s chest. ‘You have a beautiful boy.’

  ‘A boy!’ Graham looked so proud and excited that Clare’s eyes welled up. ‘Well done, Els. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here sooner.’

  Ellie smiled over at Clare, her calm demeanour a sharp contrast to the past few hours. ‘That’s all right. Clare was amazing.’

  Graham slung an arm around Clare’s waist. ‘I can’t thank you enough for being here.’

  ‘I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be.’ Clare had seen many babies come into the world, but Ellie’s baby was something she’d never forget.

  Ellie gazed down at her son, her face filled with wonder. ‘I can hardly believe it,’ she said, running a finger across his cheek. ‘I’m a mother.’ She met Graham’s eyes. ‘We have a son!’

  Graham leaned over to kiss her, then reached down and kissed the baby’s cheek. ‘I love you both so much.’

  Clare backed away from the tableaux, closing the door behind her and leaning against the wall. Ellie had a family now; a tiny, tight unit. The love between them was so palpable she could almost see it hanging in the air. A feeling stirred inside, something so deep that at first, she couldn’t identify it. The family tree flashed into her mind again, and Clare knew in a heartbeat what that feeling was: she wanted a family, too—to fill in all the blanks on that tree. The emotion grew so quickly it almost took away her breath with its intensity.

  She closed her eyes and Edward’s face swam into her head for the millionth time this week. She’d told herself over and over it was ridiculous to think they could overcome everything and be together—life didn’t work like that. But now, with the euphoria of the past few hours, all the doubts and uncertainty faded. Edward might say she was crazy, but she had to try. This was her chance for happiness, and Clare wasn’t going to let it slip away.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Clare’s heart pounded as she dodged bleary-eyed commuters in Liverpool Street station the next evening. Despite the lack of sleep from last night’s events and the long day shift, she’d never felt more clear-headed or alive. A huge smile lifted her lips, growing bigger until her cheeks hurt. She couldn’t wait to see Edward and start sorting out their future together—if he wanted.

  It would be a shock, she told herself, trying to keep her feet planted on the ground even as her mind filled with images of happy families. It was one thing to say you wanted a child, and another to be presented with one that was imminent! And after all this time apart, it wasn’t a given he’d want to be with her, either, especially after she hadn’t even responded to his email. Perhaps she should have called before coming? But no, this wasn’t something that could be said on the phone. Fingers crossed he was in. Unless his schedule had changed, he usually returned from work by now.

  She hurried past the restaurant where Edward had first taken her, unable to resist looking inside for old times’ sake. God, that date seemed ages ago, and yet it was only a few months. So much had changed since then, including her own perspective on what she wanted from life. Clare watched the diners laughing and chatting, and her smile grew even wider. She couldn’t wait to come here again with Edward.

  A familiar face swam into focus, and she caught her breath. Well, that was a perfect timing—he was here now! Her heart beat faster as she took in Edward’s short dark hair, olive skin, and the usual stubble she kept telling him to shave. A laugh escaped at the memory of how she’d once given him money for a haircut and professional shave, so she could have one razor-burn-free night. He’d taken her cash, got a haircut, and kept the stubble. Desire flooded in as she remembered the feeling of his face against hers, and how he always smelled just perfect: a mix of citrusy cologne and soap.

  Trying to steady her nerves, she took a deep breath and quickly checked her reflection in the glass. She’d made sure to wear the turquoise coat he liked along with the earrings he’d given her for Christmas. Shame about the bags under her eyes, though. When the hell did that pregnant glow kick in? She looked more corpse than blooming with life.

  Clare tugged open the door, adrenaline rushing through her body. With her eyes locked on Edward’s solid back, she nodded to the maître d’ before threading between the tables towards him. She couldn’t wait to put her arms around those wide shoulders again . . . oh.

  Clare stopped stock-still as she rounded a pillar that had partially blocked her view of his table. Edward wasn’t dining alone, like she’d thought. Across from him sat a petite blonde woman, the very personification of cute. Were they together? Maybe she was just a friend and they were out for a drink. But in the next second, Edward teasingly offered the woman a morsel of food before reaching out to squeeze her hand, and Clare’s heart dropped. There could be no doubt: he’d found someone else. In a second, her hopeful image of the future shattered.

  Before the couple could spot her hovering mid-restaurant, Clare turned and forced herself to walk slowly towards the door so they wouldn’t notice her. Tears blurred her vision, making everything soft and fuzzy. If only it could soften the ache inside, too.

  Outside, Clare retraced her route back to Liverpool Street station, the sharp click of her heels echoing off the stone buildings lining the street. She walked faster and faster, as if the quicker she could get away from the restaurant, the quicker she’d escape the vision of Edward with another woman.

  Breathless now, she entered the station and rushed onto the escalator, gripping the side as it transported her back down to the Underground. Despite the hurt piercing her heart, Clare didn’t regret coming to find Edward. She’d have wondered forever if she didn’t try to talk to him. They’d always be connected through the baby inside her, and Clare would get in touch eventually to let him know. She’d never deny her child access to a parent—she knew that feeling all too well. Edward would play a part in her life, although it wasn’t the role she’d been hoping.

  The carriage clattered into the platform, and Clare collapsed onto the seat, head throbbing and heart aching. She’d endured losing Edward once already, she reminded herself as the train left behind East London. She could endure this time as well.

  Besides, she had more than herself to think about now. She had their baby, too.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  ‘Here you go.’ Ellie handed the baby to Clare, who held her breath as she awkwardly shifted the newborn in her arms. Jonas was so tiny she almost felt like one false move would break him. She stared down at the rosebud mouth and the squish of a nose, his soft eyelashes brushing chubby cheeks. ‘He’s perfect,’ she said, smiling over at Ellie’s expectant face.

  ‘He is, isn’t he?’ Ellie grinned. ‘I mean, I know I’m biased and everything, but he’s bloody gorgeous.’ Jonas let out a wail, and Clare turned a worried face towards Ellie.

  ‘Don’t look so terrified!’ Ellie lifted the baby from her friend’s arms. ‘He’s just hungry.’ Clare tried not to stare as Ellie raised her top and expertly attached the baby to her breast. He slurped away with abandon. ‘You’ll have to get used to all this if you go through with the baby.’ She stroked Jonas’s downy head, then met Clare’s eyes. ‘Have you decided anything yet?’

  Clare nodded slowly. Ellie was the first to learn she was pregnant, so it made sense that she’d be the first to know Clare was going to have the baby. ‘Yes, I have.’ She swallowed, the words forming in her head before releasing them into the world. Once they were out there, there’d be no turning back. Funnily enough, though, she didn’t want to tu
rn back. Fear wouldn’t rule her actions any more.

  ‘Well?’ Ellie raised an eyebrow. ‘Come on, then. Don’t leave me hanging! My post-partum hormones are driving me crazy enough as it is.’

  ‘Well . . . ’ Clare smiled, enjoying the suspense. ‘I’m going to have it.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Ellie shrieked, cringing as baby Jonas came off her breast and started wailing again. ‘Sorry, baby, sorry!’ She hurriedly shushed him and latched him back on. ‘Oh my God,’ she repeated in a softer voice. ‘Clare, that’s amazing. I’m so glad. I mean, it’s hard—it’s bloody hard—but’—she stroked Jonas’s head again, a tender look sliding over her face—‘it’s so worth it.’ She grimaced. ‘I know everyone says that, but it really is true.’ She paused to lift up Jonas and switch him to the other side. ‘What changed your mind?’

  Clare toyed with the velvety ears of a soft toy rabbit. ‘Well, I finally talked to my mother,’ she said, watching Ellie’s eyes widen at the news. ‘Meeting her helped me see it wasn’t being a mother that scared me. I just didn’t want to cause the same hurt and pain, or feel that again myself. But we’re two different people, with very different lives.’

  Ellie nodded, then grinned. ‘Wow! I’d never have imagined we’d be mothers together. It’ll be great.’ She reached out and gripped Clare’s hand. ‘I can’t wait to share all this with you.’

  Clare squeezed back. She was lucky to have a friend like Ellie.

  ‘So . . . ’ Ellie’s voice trailed off and she tilted her head. ‘You are going to tell Edward now, right? You have to. Straight away!’ She gestured towards Clare’s phone resting on the bed beside them.

  Clare shook her head. ‘I will once I have my first scan and make sure everything is fine. But, well . . . ’ She pushed back the rising sadness. ‘I did go to see him last week. I wanted to tell him about the baby, and to see if we could start over.’

  ‘And?’ Ellie was practically in her lap.