by Box Set
The only thing he can think about is
You.”
* * *
Jacey’s words thaw a cold spot in my heart,
The one I’ve kept frozen for so long,
The piece of myself I’d given to Trevor a long time ago.
* * *
“If he wanted a girlfriend,
He could have one,” Jacey continues.
“I’ve seen the guy when he looks at you,
When he talks about you.
Trust me when I say he likes you.”
* * *
“But am I likeable?”
I meet her eye,
Feeling naked,
Exposed,
Without a lens to hide behind.
* * *
Jacey draws me into a hug.
“Of course you are, Livvy.”
* * *
“Then why did my mom leave?”
* * *
Jacey releases me,
Her eyes filled with compassion.
“Because she’s selfish, which
Has nothing to do with you.
Remember how you brought me my homework when
I had pneumonia?
Or when you made breakfast in bed for Rose when
She turned nine?
Or that you used to decorate Trevor’s locker on
Game days?”
* * *
She glances away,
Focuses on something else in the outdoor mall.
“You’ve just…lost your way.
It’s okay;
You’ve had a rough year.”
She pins me with a look.
“We’re just waiting for you to come back.
We know you will,
Eventually.”
* * *
I nod,
The only thing I’m able to do unless
I want to start crying right here in the mall.
* * *
Jacey stands up, like
It’s time to leave—
This conversation or
The mall,
I’m not sure which.
“Just because you can’t trust your mom
Doesn’t mean you can’t trust Trevor.”
108
I’M SORRY,
I text Trevor when I get home from the mall
* * *
Him: Why?
* * *
Me: You know, for being lost.
* * *
Him: Wanna shoot tonight?
* * *
I love that he doesn’t make me explain more,
That he doesn’t need further explanation.
* * *
Me: It’s too late.
Tomorrow?
* * *
Him: Tomorrow works.
* * *
Him, a few minutes later: I will find you.
109
“DAD, I’M GOING OUT WITH TREVOR.”
I stop short when I realize what I’ve said.
Dad’s eyebrows go up.
“Wow, that didn’t come out right,” I say.
“I’m shooting him.”
I close my eyes and
Breathe deep.
“That sounds bad too.
I’m taking his picture.”
I hold up my photography pack and
Flash kit.
“Be back in a bit.”
110
“IT’S REALLY DARK OUT HERE,”
Trevor comments as he
Pulls his jacket tighter.
He peers toward the highway behind us, where
There are very few cars.
* * *
I continue fiddling with the umbrella so
It won’t blow away in this wicked wind,
Hoping I can pull off this technique before we
Freeze to death.
* * *
Twenty minutes later,
I think I’ve got the shot I want, and
Trevor and I are huddled in my car.
He was the perfect model this time,
Doing exactly what I said with his hands and
Feet and
Body.
* * *
I put the flash behind him, so
His facial expression didn’t matter.
* * *
He’s blowing on his hands;
I’m sitting on mine;
The heater is taking forever to warm up.
* * *
The radio is on low, and
We’re done shooting, but
I don’t want to go home yet.
Trevor doesn’t seem to be in a hurry either.
* * *
“How were midterms?” I ask.
* * *
“Fine,” he says.
He lowers his hands and
Sits so still.
The air is charged with tension.
* * *
I recognize this feeling,
This awkward anticipation.
I’ve felt it before with Trevor.
Before he asked me out.
Before he kissed me.
Before I found out Harris had defaced my locker.
* * *
I’ve felt a lot of things with Trevor, and
I’ve been brushing them away for months—
Eighteen of them.
* * *
But now, I hold onto my feelings,
Acknowledge them,
Embrace the spontaneity of them.
* * *
Don’t think, just react.
* * *
“What’s wrong?”
I turn toward him, finally relaxing as
I feel the first inklings of heat from the vents.
I pull my hands from under my legs and
Rest them in my lap.
* * *
“Nothing.”
He shifts toward me too, and
The heat I feel is suddenly coming from him.
* * *
It’s dark, but
I can see the outline of his face.
I can see his hand as he moves it toward me.
He fumbles a little bit but
Manages to wrap his hand around mine.
* * *
My first reaction is to sigh and
Close my eyes,
Enjoy the warmth of his skin and
The firmness of his fingers around mine.
* * *
Don’t think, just react,
Jacey had said.
* * *
I squeeze his hand—
My next reaction.
* * *
He squeezes back.
111
WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?
My midnight text gets sent late so
Trevor might not see it until morning.
* * *
My heart jumps when my phone vibrates.
I smile, though
I try to hold it back.
* * *
Him: Do I need a reason?
* * *
Me: Yes.
I mean, I’m not very nice to you.
I’ve told you no.
And—
* * *
Him: You don’t act like I’m king of the world.
* * *
I stop typing, reading and
Re-reading his words.
* * *
Me: And
So you like me because I don’t act like
You’re the hottest boy ever born?
* * *
Him: Are you saying I’m the hottest boy ever born?
* * *
Me: Haha
* * *
Him: Seriously, Wings.
I like you.
I don’t really want to qualify it against
Someone else’s reasons for why.
* * *
Me:
* * *
Him, only seconds later: I want to be waiting for you when
You find your way back.
* * *
I brush away the tears threatening to
Spill out.
* * *
Him: That’s why I’ve put up with your attitude.
;)
* * *
Me: I’m sorry.
* * *
Him: Don’t be.
When I get lost,
I’ll be counting on you
To find me.
112
“OLIVIA, DARLING, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.”
Mom’s voice on the message sounds pleasant,
Unrushed.
“Trevor is staying at the house again this weekend.
His mom got a new job, and
She’s traveling more than she used to.
I hope that’s okay.
Your dad mentioned that you don’t like it when he’s here, and
I want you to be comfortable.
Call me, okay?”
* * *
I delete the message,
Marveling that Mom called because
She…
Cares how I feel?
* * *
I call her back, and
Tell her it’s fine if Trevor’s there, and
Ask her what she has planned for the weekend.
* * *
She sounds surprised that I’ve asked, and
A twinge of guilt stabs through me.
* * *
“Maybe we could go shopping?” she asks.
* * *
I wrinkle my nose and
Suggest, “Movie instead?
Maybe pizza after?
Rose will beg for ice cream too.”
* * *
Mom laughs, and
I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard her do that,
Especially not because of something I’ve done.
My chest feels so tight,
So tight.
* * *
“Mom—” I start and
Find I can’t finish.
Tears prick behind my eyes and
I suddenly hate this wall between us.
* * *
Mom doesn’t seem to notice that
I’m on the verge of a break-down, because
She says, “See you tonight.
Movie date on Saturday!” and
Hangs up.
* * *
“HEY, WINGS,”
Trevor says when
Rose and I arrive at the Youngbloods
On Friday night.
* * *
He’s lounging in the kitchen,
A plate of food in front of him.
“My mom sent dinner tonight since
Our parents have that country club thing.
You guys hungry?”
* * *
Rose looks at me before
Bounding over to Trevor.
They’re not best friends or
Anything, but
He’s always been nice to her and
That’s all Rose cares about.
* * *
“Mmm, spaghetti,” she says.
“Does your mom cook every night?
Livvy cooks for us.”
* * *
“I know,” Trevor says.
“Remember I ate with you guys a couple of weeks ago?”
He places a piece of garlic bread in front of her and
Turns to heat up her spaghetti in the microwave.
* * *
I lean against the doorway,
Watching them.
* * *
“And my mom hardly ever cooks,” he continues.
“I’m really good at ordering pizza and
Going to a drive-through.”
* * *
Rose smiles at him and
Then at me.
“Come eat, Livvy.”
* * *
So I do.
113
“BUT MOM IS TAKING US TO A MOVIE TOMORROW,”
I protest when Rose wants to do
Movie night tonight.
* * *
“I like the stay-home movie night,” she insists.
“There’s popcorn in the cupboard, and
I brought a box of hot chocolate from Dad’s.”
* * *
I sigh,
Knowing I won’t win against my sister.
I can’t stand to see her unhappy, and
She wants a stay-home movie night complete with
Popcorn and hot chocolate.
* * *
“Fine,” I concede. “What movie?”
* * *
“Something we all like,”
Trevor says as he enters the family room with
A huge bowl of popcorn.
He’s carrying two additional bowls and
A stack of napkins.
* * *
“You’re staying here?”
This night is moving toward something
I’m not sure I’m ready for.
* * *
“I have no other plans.”
He sets the popcorn down and
Turns back to the kitchen.
“Milk or water for your hot chocolate, Rose?”
* * *
“Milk,” she says,
Still searching for the right movie.
* * *
Ten minutes later,
I’ve strategically positioned myself in
The recliner instead of on
The sectional with
Rose and Trevor.
* * *
She’s happily slurping her hot chocolate and
Crunching on popcorn,
The beginnings of Bridge to Terabithia
Pouring from the huge TV.
* * *
Trevor seems content with his snacks and
The choice of movie.
He hasn’t looked at me once,
Hasn’t acted like he’s anything more than
My friend.
* * *
I clench my fingers around my mug of hot chocolate and
Try to focus on the movie.
114
“LOOKS LIKE SHE’S OUT FOR GOOD.”
Trevor’s voice interrupts my intense focus on
The tree house on the TV.
* * *
“What?”
I turn toward him and
Find Rose fast asleep on the couch.
My heart simultaneously drops and
Leaps.
* * *
I remember the way Trevor’s hand felt in mine,
I remember how I slowly drove him home after the shoot,
Holding his hand for a good fifteen minutes.
I remember how he’d whispered, “See you later, Wings,” and
Gotten out of the car without
Trying anything else, or
Asking me to go out with him, or
Anything.
* * *
He gets up and
Gathers his mug and Rose’s.
“You done?”
* * *
“Yeah, sure.”
I hand him my empty mug and
Half-empty bowl.
* * *
He leaves, and
I can’t stop the thoughts
Parading through my head.
* * *
I want to sit next to him on the couch.
I want to hold his hand again.
* * *
I jump from the recliner and
Listen for him to approach.
When I hear his footsteps,
I hurry to the built-in closet behind the couch.
* * *
“What are you looking for?” he asks.
* * *
“A blanket,” I say.
“I’m cold.”
* * *
He opens the door two down from me and
Pulls out a huge quilt.
He takes it with him as he moves back to his spot
On the couch.
* * *
<
br /> I close the closet door slowly,
Watching him.
Is his inviting me to sit next to him?
Share the blanket with him?
* * *
I go to the cabinet where he got the blanket,
Not sure how to get what I want without
Admitting
How I feel.