by Box Set
* * *
“We can share,” he says.
“I don’t mind.”
115
“I DON’T MIND EITHER.”
I can’t believe I said that,
I think after
I’m settled next to Trevor on the couch.
* * *
I’m not touching him, but
I desperately want to hold his hand.
* * *
I can’t believe he didn’t say something like,
“Are you saying you like me?
Want to sit next to me?
Hold my hand?”
* * *
But he’d simply held the blanket aside until
I sat next to him.
Then he tossed it over my legs and
Let me take as much as I wanted.
* * *
I’m calculating how much time we have to be alone when
He leans toward me.
“This movie always makes me cry,” he whispers.
* * *
“I know,” I say without turning.
“I’ve watched this with you before.”
* * *
“Really?” he asks.
“I don’t remember.”
* * *
“Yeah.”
I turn toward him.
“Remember we watched it after—”
* * *
He raises his arm and
Gently pulls me forward him until
I’m cradled against his chest.
“Ah, now I remember.
We used to watch a lot of movies like this.”
* * *
His heartbeat is galloping,
A gentle bumping against my cheek.
* * *
Don’t think, just react.
I smile and
Slide my arm around his waist.
* * *
“I don’t know what’s changed with you,” he says real quiet so
He won’t wake Rose, or
Maybe so he won’t scare me away.
“But I’m not complaining.”
* * *
“I’m trying to find my way back.”
* * *
“I know, but
What’s changed?
Two weeks ago,
You said I had no chance with you, and
Now you’re letting me hold your hand and
I’m thinking I could probably kiss you and
You’d let me do that too.”
* * *
My lips tingle just thinking about kissing him.
“Um,” I say.
“I’m working through some stuff, and
Jacey said I should just react and
Stop thinking so much.”
* * *
“Jacey is so smart,” he says with a chuckle.
116
I HAD A FUN TIME AT THE MOVIES WITH MY MOM.
I stare at the fresh journal page,
Completely shocked that I’m writing again.
I haven’t written in a journal since
Trevor and I broke up.
* * *
But I did have a good time at the movies with
Mom and
Rose.
* * *
We got popcorn and
Sodas.
After, Rose got her way, and
Mom bought ice cream.
* * *
Mom laughed,
Hugged Rose, and
Smiled at me like she used to before
I discovered her affair with Darren Youngblood.
* * *
I still blame her for leaving us and
Going off to live with Darren, but
I’m starting to realize now that
She didn’t replace us with a new family,
That she isn’t perfect, but
That she…loves us.
* * *
That she loves me.
117
TREVOR IS UNREASONABLY HAPPY TODAY,
Jacey texts on Monday during her lunch.
* * *
Me: So?
* * *
Jacey: You better tell me everything.
Right now.
I know you’re hiding something.
* * *
I’ve been holding onto the secret of
Trevor, of
Holding his hand, of
Listening to the beat of his heart instead of
Listening to the movie.
I hadn’t even cried like I usually do, because
I’d been so happy with Trevor.
* * *
Me: Okay, fine.
I may have held his hand last weekend, and
We may have watched a movie together on Friday.
* * *
Jacey: !!!
Gotta go,
Come get me after school.
* * *
Me: Don’t make a big deal out of this.
I’m just reacting,
Like you suggested.
* * *
Jacey doesn’t answer, because
She’s in class.
* * *
I flip my phone over,
Thinking about everything’s that changed since
I started shooting him.
* * *
Because of him,
I’m taking pictures again, and
I love it.
* * *
Because of him,
I’ve forgiven my mom—
Just a little bit—
But still.
* * *
Because of him,
I’m contemplating taking a picture of myself so
I can see who I really am,
How I really feel.
* * *
I thumb the camera on and
See myself staring at the screen.
* * *
I quickly tap the shutter button, and
The camera clicks.
118
“I HATE MY HAIR,”
I mutter.
* * *
I’ve never realized it until now,
Staring at myself on
The screen of my phone.
* * *
I see myself in the mirror all the time, and
I’ve cut my hair this way on purpose.
* * *
But looking at myself in this cheap,
Phone-taken
Picture,
I realize
I hate my hair.
119
“LET’S TRY AGAIN.”
I navigate back to the camera, and
This time,
I try to smile.
120
“I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.”
I can’t smile right.
It feels wrong,
Like I’ve forgotten how to do it because
It’s been so long since I’ve tried—or
Had a reason to smile.
* * *
I touch the shutter anyway and
Analyze the picture.
* * *
I see nothing in my eyes.
None of the happiness, or
Joy, or
Amusement
You’d expect to see in a picture of someone smiling.
* * *
I don’t look annoyed either, or
Like the photographer has coaxed this smile from
Me by proclaiming, “Smile!”
* * *
I simply look…dead inside,
Like a girl who’s trying to smile because
A boy challenged her to take a selfie and
See what it said about her.
* * *
But this photo says nothing about me,
And yet,
It says everything.
* * *
It says how unhappy I’ve allowed myself to become, and
How far I’ve removed myself from living, and
How by trying to smile, I’ve made myself
Failing.
* * *
I think I feel happier, but
I’m an expert at analyzing pictures, and
This one says I’m not there yet.
* * *
This one says I still hurt,
Still need to heal,
Still need to
Forgive.
121
WANNA HANG OUT TONIGHT?
Trevor’s text interrupts my third attempt at
Taking a self-portrait.
* * *
I feel something shrink in my chest at
The thought of simply hanging out with Trevor.
* * *
Hang out? I text back.
Or go out?
* * *
Whichever makes you most comfortable, he replies.
Friends hang out.
* * *
But boyfriends take their girlfriends out, I tell him.
* * *
Are you saying I’m your boyfriend?
* * *
I don’t think;
I press the call button.
122
“ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND?”
I ask him when he picks up.
“And don’t you have class right now?”
* * *
“Yes,” he says, his voice real low,
Like he’s answered his phone in the middle of calculus.
“And yes.”
* * *
It’s all I can do not to drop my phone,
Surprised at what I’ve done,
The line I’ve crossed.
This whole reactionary lifestyle is
Something I could get used to, because
It’s helped me do things,
Say things, that…
Feel right.
* * *
I take a deep breath,
Determined to just keep reacting.
“So we’ll go out tonight,” I say.
“You can take me to one of those famous
Drive-through places
You were bragging about over the weekend.”
* * *
“Deal,” he says. “Gotta go.”
He hangs up before I can respond, and
I hope he doesn’t get in trouble for talking on the phone
During class.
* * *
6:30, okay? comes a text from Trevor.
* * *
I smile and
Quickly open the camera app and
Take my picture.
123
“DAD,”
I say,
Entering his office after dinner.
* * *
“Yep.”
He looks up from his paperwork.
* * *
“Dad, I—”
I close eyes to make this easier.
“I’m going out with Trevor tonight.”
* * *
Dad shifts in his chair, which
Emits a high-pitched squeal.
“Oh.”
* * *
I keep my eyes pressed closed,
Seeing a bright red light behind my eyelids.
“See, I was sort of dating him when I found out about Mom, and
We broke up then, but
I still like him, and
He still likes me, and
We’re going to dinner tonight.”
* * *
I pull my eyes open.
“If that’s okay.”
* * *
Dad studies me for a few moments.
I can’t keep my feet still, and
My fingers keep twisting around each other.
My throat feels dry, and
I’m blinking way too much.
* * *
“You were dating Trevor Youngblood when Mom…”
Dad’s shoulders slump, and
He places both hands on his desk.
“No wonder you were so angry,
So withdrawn.”
* * *
“I wasn’t—”
* * *
“You lost more than a mother.”
He stands and
Moves around the desk to
Wrap me in a hug.
“I’m sorry, Livvy, and
Yes, you should go have a good time with
Trevor.”
* * *
I stand stiffly for only a moment before
I hug my father tightly.
“You don’t think it’s weird?
I mean, he’s my step-brother now.”
* * *
“Barely,” Dad says.
“He’s never there when you are.
It’s not like you guys are living in the same house.”
* * *
Remembering the bands on my toes,
The one that reminds me to be honest,
I open my mouth again.
“Well, he’s been there twice in
The past couple of months.
He was there over the weekend.”
* * *
Dad pulls back and
Looks at me.
His eyes show
The questions running through his mind.
* * *
“Nothing’s happened,” I tell him.
“But he’s asked me out again, and
I…I want to go.”
* * *
Dad nods.
“I’ve seen you change this past little bit,
Since you’ve been homeschooled.
I thought it was because of the photography, or
Gramma-Linda, but
Maybe…”
He doesn’t finish, but
I know what he means.
* * *
Maybe it’s because of Trevor.
124
“CALM DOWN,”
I coach myself as
I wait for Trevor to arrive.
“You’ve been out with him before.”
* * *
I still feel jittery and scared,
My insides quivering beneath
My skin.
* * *
Finally, a knock lands on the door.
I whip it open to
Find Trevor standing there.
“You ready?”
His voice is steady and calm.
* * *
He’s wearing jeans and
A jacket,
Normal attire for February.
* * *
He’s freshly showered, and
He smells like mint and pinecones.
* * *
“Ready,” I say,
Glancing over my shoulder to find
Dad standing in the doorway to the kitchen.
* * *
“Have fun,” he says,
Smiling.
“Drive safe, Trevor.”
* * *
Once in the safety of his car,
I finally release the breath I’ve been holding.
When he joins me,
I start laughing and
Can’t stop.
* * *
Trevor backs out of my driveway,
Letting me go through my mania.
When he reaches over and
Takes my hand in his,
I settle into silence.
* * *
“Okay?” he asks, and
All I can say is, “Okay.”
125
“YOUR HOUSE?”
I ask when Trevor pulls into his driveway.
“What are we doing at your house?
Is your mom home?”
I feel sandbagged in my seat,
Weighed down and
Unable to move.
* * *
“She’ll be home soon,” he says,
“We’re eating dinner here.”
He gets out and crosses in front of the car to
Open my door.
I still haven’t moved.
Try anything, I swear.”
* * *
I take his hand and
Let him lead me into his house.
I’ve been here so many times I can’t count them, but
This feels somehow different.